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Original poster

Told me he loved me after 3 months - I don’t yet. Help!

74 replies

Lifegoalsneeded · 25/06/2022 00:53

Been dating an amazing guy for 3 months. He is smitten with me, affectionate and his actions match his words. Tonight he was drunk and was texting me. He told me he loved me. I really like him, but not there yet. I could be, but he is a few steps in front.

I hesitated for a few minutes in responding and he texts again to jokingly say guy you are ghosting is going home. Then asked if I love him too. I responded with hearts and then was honest.

Said I really liked him, and getting there but not there yet. I really want to see how things develop and see me getting there soon. But not yet. I want to mean it when I say it. Asked him not to rush it.

he then tells me he understands but is emotionally attached and loves every bit of me. He has never fallen this hard for anyone and I am his everything. tells me he loves me again and I am not to say it until I mean it. On Facebook he has now commented life ruined. He is not normally one for dramatics.

I like him, but he is rushing it. I can’t say something I don’t mean. He is drunk, and seems to be upset I don’t feel the sand. I have told him I really like him and care for him. What more can I say?

i think he is gutted, but it’s been 3 months of seeing each other 2 times a week. I want to naturally let things develop, but I feel he is pushing it by asking if I felt the same or will end it as I dont love him yet.

it’s kind of put me off him. What do I say to sober boyfriend tomorrow? I want to be kind and understand he was drunk. But it’s a bit full on. He even said he will abstain from sex to prove he loves me and is not just after sex - not that sex prices love!!!

no other red flags. I do miss him when not around and get butterflies when I see him. I have been hurt in the past so have my guard up, which is lowering quicker than most guys. I am just a bit slower in saying it and will not say it until I mean it

tips anyone on navigating this? Can it continue with uneven love?

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 26/06/2022 07:47

Pinkbonbon · 26/06/2022 07:29

Agree with @CheekyHobson apart from one thing - it wouldn't be insecurity, it would be control.

This is true too… the attempts to control are born from both insecurity and a feeling that he should be entitled to have what he wants (your unreserved affection) when he wants it.

MissMaple82 · 26/06/2022 07:47

He sounds like a nut job

Veol · 26/06/2022 07:48

It was a drunken declaration of love that just needed a response such as ‘you are drunk. I’ll speak to you in the morning’. I wouldn’t take it too seriously or over analyse it. If he is like this when sober, it is a different matter.

MissMaple82 · 26/06/2022 07:49

2pinkginsplease · 25/06/2022 07:42

i Think we all at one time have been drunk , declared our love and got emotional and been dejected when it’s not been returned!

IMO, if you don’t love him after 3 months then there is something wrong with the relationship.

do you find him attractive? Does he make your heart race, are you excited to see him?

Who the fuck loves someone after 3 months! I wouldn't even consider them a boyfriend after 3 months, twice weekly interactions. If you think that's normal then you have issues too

Cherry35 · 26/06/2022 07:52

Perfectly normal to fall in love within 3 months, I think that you know soon enough if a person is for you.

Do you usually take long to fall for someone? Or maybe is it a sign that you won't fall for him ever? I don't like to waste time in a relationship where I know won't lead to marriage.

I don't think he's withholding sex per se, but since many man say I love you soon in the relationship to have sex it's his way of proving you he's really in love and not just playing you for sex.

I think that he's more expressive and affectionate than you therefore trying to recreate ghost. Take it easy and don't judge him so harshly for a drunken night. If I were you, I'd put a timeline and if you don't love him still in a few months, maybe you won't love him ever and it's not for you.

Ladybug14 · 26/06/2022 07:53

Is he 16 ? 🤣

Dery · 26/06/2022 07:53

“Perfectly normal to fall in love within 3 months, I think that you know soon enough if a person is for you.

Do you usually take long to fall for someone? Or maybe is it a sign that you won't fall for him ever?”

This.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 26/06/2022 08:30

polkadotpixie · 25/06/2022 05:22

I must be the only one who thinks it's quite sweet! Surely we've all got a bit over emotional when drunk and made a bit of an arse of ourselves? I'd cut him some slack and probably gently take the piss, not be horrified and dump him

I also don't think it's unusual to tell someone you love them after 3 months, DH said it to me after about 3 weeks and we'd moved in together before we'd been together 3 months. Still together 10 years later so I don't see it as a red flag. In fact, we've said I love you in 3 of my LTR before 3 months and none of them were love bombers/abusive etc, it sounds totally normal to me and I think MN often tends to jump to the worst conclusion

I agree, Polkadot. Can’t actually remember if DH and I said we loved each other within three months, but we were certainly feeling it, and still feel the same 20 years on. Similar in a previous, very happy long-term relationship. In fact I think three months is quite a reasonable time to know if your feelings are real and likely to last.

It’s equally reasonable to take longer, as OP is. No reason for either of them to give up.

Some very grim and gloomy advice on this thread. I’ve had some disastrous relationships and encounters in my life, but I didn’t lose the ability to love and trust, as some PPs seem to. I wouldn’t have got together with DH if I had become so cynical.

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 26/06/2022 09:00

Thanks again. I dint necessarily think it’s a red flag. He is more affectionate towards me than me him.

chatted to good friends last night and they said I needed to let my guard down and enjoy. They said I look for the red flags and never the good points. They said they understood as they know the last guy I went out with was the opposite of this guy as he made me insecure with his flakinesss.

so far this guys action match words and I feel secure. It’s my internal radar that won’t let me relax and believe him or fall for him. I told him last night it’s me, my heart says yes my head is saying protect yourself.

OP posts:
FriedTomatoe · 26/06/2022 09:21

I don't necessarily think it's a red flag but it depends on the relationship and the context in which it's said. If someone says it when they're drunk, it's okay and quite sweet. What's not okay is posting on FB that his life is ruined when you say you're not there yet.

I agree that 3 months is long enough to know whether someone isn't for you.

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 26/06/2022 09:28

@FriedTomatoe he did delete and said he was an idiot. Said it was only up there for a short while

OP posts:
FitFat · 26/06/2022 09:37

You dont know him. Masks start slipping about 6 to 9 months in. Dont commit to him and stay cool. I personally couldnt date a drama llama like this but its up to you. Just be alert for issues and dont make excuses for him. Also, can he not control his drinking habits?

FriedTomatoe · 26/06/2022 11:59

Lifegoalsneeded · 26/06/2022 09:28

@FriedTomatoe he did delete and said he was an idiot. Said it was only up there for a short while

In your situation, I would probably continue seeing him but with my guard still up. I still think it's a little odd. If your friends are anything like mine, they want you to be happy and in a nice relationship. Even when I've been with real knobs they've said they liked them because they know I put a lot of value on their judgement and am really cynical. Just make sure you listen to your gut and not your friends.

wellhelloitsme · 26/06/2022 12:07

CheekyHobson · 26/06/2022 02:14

Okay, so alcohol can cause people to act embarrassingly over-emotional, but there are a number of red flags here that he struggles to manage/express emotions in a mature way.

  • telling you in advance he might text you stupid things - it's like he was giving himself permission in advance to cut loose "under the influence"
  • texting to say he loves you rather than saying it in person - emotional avoidance
  • almost immediately 'jokingly' accusing you of ghosting - applying guilt and urgency
  • then asking if you love him - applying pressure
  • calling you "his everything" - way way too much pressure
  • 'life ruined' dramatics on Facebook where everyone can see it - more guilt
  • saying he will 'stop sex' to 'prove his love' - bizarre and unnecessary thing to do, putting you on edge and increasing pressure to 'decide' you do love him in order to return the relationship to the same level of intimacy
  • saying he "can't help himself" with the amateur movie dramatics - invalidating your boundaries
If you were having a conversation with him, I would say that while you feel flattered that he has strong feelings for you, you have to let your feelings develop at your own pace. You don't want to stop having sex but you also don't want to be pressured to 'make a decision' about when you're ready to say 'I love you'. You could also say that the posting on Facebook and attempts to create what you feel is a sense of urgency on his part for you to feel the same way makes you uncomfortable.

Then just watch and see how he responds or behaves over the next few days and weeks. If he starts applying pressure again in short order, making passive-aggressive 'jokes' about how you're an ice queen or 'not there yet' and/or complaining that he feels like you're not really into him, you're wasting his time, etc it's probably a bad sign that he is insecure and is trying to rush you into a commitment.

Well said! All of this.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 26/06/2022 12:07

chatted to good friends last night and they said I needed to let my guard down and enjoy. They said I look for the red flags and never the good points.

I'm pleased to hear this, OP. Your friends, who know you more than mumsnetters do, are giving you good advice. You've described an "amazing guy" who is very affectionate (which to me is important in a relationship). Don't write him off for being a bit soppy after a few drinks!

He loves you already, you're being cautious and taking a bit longer. Nothing wrong with either approach, as long as you don't hesitate till he gives up.

Watchkeys · 26/06/2022 12:31

polkadotpixie · 25/06/2022 05:22

I must be the only one who thinks it's quite sweet! Surely we've all got a bit over emotional when drunk and made a bit of an arse of ourselves? I'd cut him some slack and probably gently take the piss, not be horrified and dump him

I also don't think it's unusual to tell someone you love them after 3 months, DH said it to me after about 3 weeks and we'd moved in together before we'd been together 3 months. Still together 10 years later so I don't see it as a red flag. In fact, we've said I love you in 3 of my LTR before 3 months and none of them were love bombers/abusive etc, it sounds totally normal to me and I think MN often tends to jump to the worst conclusion

You think it's sweet that he's posted on facebook that his life is ruined because OP won't say she loves him? Jeez. Come on.

Posting on facebook about anything personal is surely a turnoff and intrusive, and if his life can feel ruined after this, he's not got much going on, has he?

wellhelloitsme · 26/06/2022 13:00

You think it's sweet that he's posted on facebook that his life is ruined because OP won't say she loves him? Jeez. Come on.

This! A drunken 'I bloody love you' etc doesn't need to be a massive deal.

But an attention seeking Facebook post reflecting how entitled he feels to the response he wants from OP and his drama llama reaction to not getting it is fucking mental.

Public declaration that is life is ruined?! Red. Flag.

I bet his Facebook friends are no stranger to cryptic statuses designed to generate 'you ok hun?' replies.

Watchkeys · 26/06/2022 13:20

They said I look for the red flags and never the good points

If you can find any red flags, the good points don't matter. Hitler had good points. You have to look at how if feels and how they behave when things go wrong. This guy sulks and wants all his friends to give him sympathy.

A red flag is like a red traffic light. You don't see one, and ignore it because you can't see any others. You stop, immediately, instinctively. If you're seeing a red flag and thinking that's ok because you can't see any others, have a look at your own processes rather than pondering his behaviour.

Musttryharder2021 · 26/06/2022 13:37

I think most people (women) fall for men 'hard' and 'fast' when they're at the point in their life where they want to settle down, get married and have children combined with raging hormones in that age (20s/early 30s) or so. I've hardly ever come across menopausal women behaving like this.

BigFatLiar · 27/06/2022 08:16

Posting on facebook about anything personal is surely a turnoff and intrusive, and if his life can feel ruined after this, he's not got much going on, has he?

Indeed. We have FB accounts but its only for family and a few close friends, OH isn't even keen on that level.

I get that we're old but posting on SM is wierd.

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 27/06/2022 08:43

Thanks.

went round to his last night. All was ok. Asked why he was quiet and he said I was busy with friends so didn’t want to disturb me.

we booked our September holiday to visit my parents so he felt a bit more secure I can see into the future. He thought in his drunken mind as I didn’t reciprocate that I didn’t see a future. he was very embarrassed.

Explained takes me a while and if not pressured will get there. Very happy with him and how things are progressing. He understood.

I also stayed and did my first work commute. He lives a good 30 mins in normal traffic away from me. Previously I was selfish with this - horrific traffic home so not doing it often.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 27/06/2022 09:17

Lifegoalsneeded · 27/06/2022 08:43

Thanks.

went round to his last night. All was ok. Asked why he was quiet and he said I was busy with friends so didn’t want to disturb me.

we booked our September holiday to visit my parents so he felt a bit more secure I can see into the future. He thought in his drunken mind as I didn’t reciprocate that I didn’t see a future. he was very embarrassed.

Explained takes me a while and if not pressured will get there. Very happy with him and how things are progressing. He understood.

I also stayed and did my first work commute. He lives a good 30 mins in normal traffic away from me. Previously I was selfish with this - horrific traffic home so not doing it often.

Glad it's all right. Try and avoid MN for relationship advice, it's generally awful.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 27/06/2022 09:51

BigFatLiar · 27/06/2022 09:17

Glad it's all right. Try and avoid MN for relationship advice, it's generally awful.

Show quote history

I'm glad you didn't ditch him because of one silly Facebook post, OP. I hope all continues to go well.

I'm starting to agree about awful relationship advice, Big! I haven't often had time to venture beyond the Feminism boards. But reading some Relationship threads recently, I was startled by the low level of tolerance for what seem to me like minor flaws.

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 27/06/2022 10:45

@BigFatLiar @ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus

i agree. It’s good to get thoughts but that’s all. We all do stupid drunken things. My friend reminded me yesterday of drunken things I have said. Friend said first and only time they saw me really drunk I was not on best form. Friend said they forgave me.

OP posts:
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