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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told me he loved me after 3 months - I don’t yet. Help!

74 replies

Lifegoalsneeded · 25/06/2022 00:53

Been dating an amazing guy for 3 months. He is smitten with me, affectionate and his actions match his words. Tonight he was drunk and was texting me. He told me he loved me. I really like him, but not there yet. I could be, but he is a few steps in front.

I hesitated for a few minutes in responding and he texts again to jokingly say guy you are ghosting is going home. Then asked if I love him too. I responded with hearts and then was honest.

Said I really liked him, and getting there but not there yet. I really want to see how things develop and see me getting there soon. But not yet. I want to mean it when I say it. Asked him not to rush it.

he then tells me he understands but is emotionally attached and loves every bit of me. He has never fallen this hard for anyone and I am his everything. tells me he loves me again and I am not to say it until I mean it. On Facebook he has now commented life ruined. He is not normally one for dramatics.

I like him, but he is rushing it. I can’t say something I don’t mean. He is drunk, and seems to be upset I don’t feel the sand. I have told him I really like him and care for him. What more can I say?

i think he is gutted, but it’s been 3 months of seeing each other 2 times a week. I want to naturally let things develop, but I feel he is pushing it by asking if I felt the same or will end it as I dont love him yet.

it’s kind of put me off him. What do I say to sober boyfriend tomorrow? I want to be kind and understand he was drunk. But it’s a bit full on. He even said he will abstain from sex to prove he loves me and is not just after sex - not that sex prices love!!!

no other red flags. I do miss him when not around and get butterflies when I see him. I have been hurt in the past so have my guard up, which is lowering quicker than most guys. I am just a bit slower in saying it and will not say it until I mean it

tips anyone on navigating this? Can it continue with uneven love?

OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 25/06/2022 07:49

Oh wow, he's quite the lovebomber!
Look into lovebombing OP, as it's a red flag. Men who fall hard quickly - or at least claim to - are rarely able to sustain it. They also tend to latch on to women, as falling hard and quickly is who they are. This means that they're likely to do it with just about anyone (sorry).

MaJoady · 25/06/2022 08:12

Wtf is the withholding sex about?!

It feels like it's either very manipulative or he thinks women only have sex to please their male partners. I can't help thinking it's pretty misogynistic

See what he is like tomorrow. But hum avoiding or just mumbling "I was drunk" isn't good enough. He needs to apologise sincerely for being a duck and you need to decide whether it's good enough

Pinkbonbon · 25/06/2022 08:19

Seems pretty much textbook lovebombing to me. Plus throwing a strop and emotional manipulation.

Yes he could be really into you, love bombers usually do think they are really into you. Until you put one foot out of line from the fantasy ideal they have of you in your head and suddenly fall if the pedestal they had you on.

Be careful. I'd at least slow things down for myself with him after that. Take a step back and observe. See if he puts more pressure on you or starts to act huffy ect... start setting some boundaries and see if he respects them. Eg, list one certain night per week where you will not be available. See if he tries to turn up that night anyway. And observe whether or not he tries to talk you out of any plans that dot involve him.

Just be vigalent.

Musttryharder2021 · 25/06/2022 09:52

slowcookerforone · 25/06/2022 01:03

Not one for dramatics?
I think he is love.

I guess it all depends on his reaction/behaviour tomorrow, if he can handle that he's messed up with grace and not try and blame you or be angry then that's a great start.

There will be posters who will come along and say they knew they were in love with their partner/spouse the second they laid eyes on them and they were engaged by the second course, happily together for 20 years with 2 sets of twins.
But most of us know most relationships end, and when we look back on most of them we know we weren't really in love even if we thought so or wanted to believe it at the time, so being cautious is the sensible thing.

Which he has completely blown out the water.
Only you can know if he's a love-bombing freak.

@slowcookerforone

Really well put!

Bananalanacake · 25/06/2022 10:56

Is he angling to move in with you? don't let him.

layladomino · 25/06/2022 11:17

If this all happened while he was drunk, and once he was sober he was mortified with his childish and embarassing facebook comment, I think I could accept it.

If he often gets drunk that would be a deadlbreaker for me. And if he gets stupid when drunk that's just ick. And if he updates his facebook with relationship updates - double ick.

My (now) DH declared love quite a while before I did. And he acted like an adult when I explained I wasn't there yet. I wasn't put under any pressure, wasn't guilted about it, wasn't made to feel I'd ruined his life.

So for me, if this is truly a one-off and he's mortified (and perhaps avoids getting stupid drunk in future if that's a weakness of his) then I'd be OK with it. If there was any suggestion that any of that stuff he said or did remained once he was sober, I'd be off.

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 25/06/2022 11:21

Thanks guys. I am taking it slow. We had a few texts this morning that where benign. Noticed he has deleted his Facebook post.

not brought it up yet as he said he didn’t sleep well. How do I bring it up? It’s one of those relationships that you feel like you know each other for ages. Been no other love bombing - been there many times from OLD and like to think I know the signs.

I weirdly didn’t feel uncomfortable him telling me and normally I would run. I am bit of a commitment phobic.

no danger of moving in. He has a lovely house and I have a 1 bed hovel. I have moved toiletries in. But that’s for ease.

now for tips on navigating the conversation

OP posts:
Fuzzyhippo · 25/06/2022 11:32

3 months would be very early for me to feel any "love" yet so I understand. Usually takes me a few years to know if I love someone or not. But the withholding thing is a massive red flag

Matrons · 25/06/2022 11:37

Sounds like a classic case of having 1 too many....I wouldn't worry too much about it if everything else is good. Getting soppy when drunk is not the worst thing.

Cmit08 · 25/06/2022 11:46

@Lifegoalsneeded honestly sounds like the guy I’ve just finished with..
Its not ended well..he was clearly a step ahead of me and didn’t like I didn’t reciprocate..

Original poster
Lifegoalsneeded · 25/06/2022 12:37

@Matrons It’s not the worse thing. At least I know where I stand.

@Cmit08 i don’t want to end it. I like him and it’s not put me off. It’s how he deals with it that will tell. Asked if he was ok after last night and he said yes. It’s fine all is good and he shouldn’t be texting me drunk as feelings slip out. Said he understands it’s early days, but he can’t help how he feels.

OP posts:
Moodycow78 · 25/06/2022 14:06

Well it could be a red flag but you know we all occasionally get drunk and make a tit of ourselves and he'll be mortified tomorrow so I'd forgive this time if all else has been ok till now

MultiBird · 25/06/2022 14:12

I think you can forgive a bit of over sentimentality when drunk.

I'm not really sure it gets better than 3 months in though.

Catlover1970 · 25/06/2022 23:06

polkadotpixie · 25/06/2022 05:22

I must be the only one who thinks it's quite sweet! Surely we've all got a bit over emotional when drunk and made a bit of an arse of ourselves? I'd cut him some slack and probably gently take the piss, not be horrified and dump him

I also don't think it's unusual to tell someone you love them after 3 months, DH said it to me after about 3 weeks and we'd moved in together before we'd been together 3 months. Still together 10 years later so I don't see it as a red flag. In fact, we've said I love you in 3 of my LTR before 3 months and none of them were love bombers/abusive etc, it sounds totally normal to me and I think MN often tends to jump to the worst conclusion

No I feel the same. I fell hard and fast for my husband and we’ve been together 14 years

Catlover1970 · 25/06/2022 23:06

Lifegoalsneeded · 25/06/2022 12:37

@Matrons It’s not the worse thing. At least I know where I stand.

@Cmit08 i don’t want to end it. I like him and it’s not put me off. It’s how he deals with it that will tell. Asked if he was ok after last night and he said yes. It’s fine all is good and he shouldn’t be texting me drunk as feelings slip out. Said he understands it’s early days, but he can’t help how he feels.

He sounds lovely

wellhelloitsme · 25/06/2022 23:15

On Facebook he has now commented life ruined. He is not normally one for dramatics.

You've only known him 12 weeks, this may be normal for him!

Cryptic statuses are such a turn off aren't they?

I personally think this level of intensity and entitlement to a response they want from you and making you responsible for their happiness ("life ruined" if you don't say what they want) are all massive red flags.

Like, really massive ones!

CheekyHobson · 26/06/2022 02:14

Okay, so alcohol can cause people to act embarrassingly over-emotional, but there are a number of red flags here that he struggles to manage/express emotions in a mature way.

  • telling you in advance he might text you stupid things - it's like he was giving himself permission in advance to cut loose "under the influence"
  • texting to say he loves you rather than saying it in person - emotional avoidance
  • almost immediately 'jokingly' accusing you of ghosting - applying guilt and urgency
  • then asking if you love him - applying pressure
  • calling you "his everything" - way way too much pressure
  • 'life ruined' dramatics on Facebook where everyone can see it - more guilt
  • saying he will 'stop sex' to 'prove his love' - bizarre and unnecessary thing to do, putting you on edge and increasing pressure to 'decide' you do love him in order to return the relationship to the same level of intimacy
  • saying he "can't help himself" with the amateur movie dramatics - invalidating your boundaries
If you were having a conversation with him, I would say that while you feel flattered that he has strong feelings for you, you have to let your feelings develop at your own pace. You don't want to stop having sex but you also don't want to be pressured to 'make a decision' about when you're ready to say 'I love you'. You could also say that the posting on Facebook and attempts to create what you feel is a sense of urgency on his part for you to feel the same way makes you uncomfortable.

Then just watch and see how he responds or behaves over the next few days and weeks. If he starts applying pressure again in short order, making passive-aggressive 'jokes' about how you're an ice queen or 'not there yet' and/or complaining that he feels like you're not really into him, you're wasting his time, etc it's probably a bad sign that he is insecure and is trying to rush you into a commitment.

CousinKrispy · 26/06/2022 06:47

Agree with CherkyHobson.

CousinKrispy · 26/06/2022 06:48

*cheeky

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 26/06/2022 07:07

trying to recreate ghost when I was cooking. Not so easy with a knife in hand.

Big ick.

Not my kind of guy. But if he is yours then you need to talk to him when he's sober to see how you feel.

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 26/06/2022 07:27

Lifegoalsneeded · 25/06/2022 12:37

@Matrons It’s not the worse thing. At least I know where I stand.

@Cmit08 i don’t want to end it. I like him and it’s not put me off. It’s how he deals with it that will tell. Asked if he was ok after last night and he said yes. It’s fine all is good and he shouldn’t be texting me drunk as feelings slip out. Said he understands it’s early days, but he can’t help how he feels.

Did he ask you how you felt though? Or was it all about him?

I hope he was mortified and promised not to get in that state again. Someone who gets too drunk (on their own?!) Only 12 weeks into the relationship won't get better. It's a massive turn off to me. I'd want reassurances, off his back without me asking, that he won't get too emotionally driven when drunk and also won't get that drunk too regularly. He sounds like hard work.

Pinkbonbon · 26/06/2022 07:29

Agree with @CheekyHobson apart from one thing - it wouldn't be insecurity, it would be control.

OverTheRubicon · 26/06/2022 07:31

Also agree with @CheekyHobson . Saying he loves you early - ok. Expecting a return - not cool, but he was drunk.

Posting on Facebook? 🤮 Withholding sex? All way too much.

Kately · 26/06/2022 07:34

CheekyHobson · 26/06/2022 02:14

Okay, so alcohol can cause people to act embarrassingly over-emotional, but there are a number of red flags here that he struggles to manage/express emotions in a mature way.

  • telling you in advance he might text you stupid things - it's like he was giving himself permission in advance to cut loose "under the influence"
  • texting to say he loves you rather than saying it in person - emotional avoidance
  • almost immediately 'jokingly' accusing you of ghosting - applying guilt and urgency
  • then asking if you love him - applying pressure
  • calling you "his everything" - way way too much pressure
  • 'life ruined' dramatics on Facebook where everyone can see it - more guilt
  • saying he will 'stop sex' to 'prove his love' - bizarre and unnecessary thing to do, putting you on edge and increasing pressure to 'decide' you do love him in order to return the relationship to the same level of intimacy
  • saying he "can't help himself" with the amateur movie dramatics - invalidating your boundaries
If you were having a conversation with him, I would say that while you feel flattered that he has strong feelings for you, you have to let your feelings develop at your own pace. You don't want to stop having sex but you also don't want to be pressured to 'make a decision' about when you're ready to say 'I love you'. You could also say that the posting on Facebook and attempts to create what you feel is a sense of urgency on his part for you to feel the same way makes you uncomfortable.

Then just watch and see how he responds or behaves over the next few days and weeks. If he starts applying pressure again in short order, making passive-aggressive 'jokes' about how you're an ice queen or 'not there yet' and/or complaining that he feels like you're not really into him, you're wasting his time, etc it's probably a bad sign that he is insecure and is trying to rush you into a commitment.

Perfect suggestions 👍

PremiumTonic · 26/06/2022 07:40

I fell hard and fast for my dh too - we’re now on our 23rd year. Had never heard of love bombing - but I’m sure if I’d posted on here - you guys would have told me to run a mile! By 3 months we were inseparable, and the intensity of our live at the beginning is what carries us through rough patches- not that there’s been many. Good luck op!

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