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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my mother unreasonable?

45 replies

Bumblebee30 · 24/06/2022 20:19

Hello everyone,
My and my partner are eloping and getting married in US just two of us in couple weeks time as we don’t have any family apart my mother and we want to rest and make celebration for ourselves.We live in UK for the past 10 years so my mother gets to see our kids couple times a year as she is living in our origin country. We made our mind to elope couple months ago , called my mother and asked is she available to have kids for couple weeks she said no problem ,but wants to take kids to holiday town and we should pay for their hotel as she doesn’t have enough money ect . So we booked her and the kids nice hotel to stay for a week everything was ok she was happy with everything. Fast forward to today when couple weeks left till our trip my mother called me and said how hurt and disrespected she is that she is not included in my marriage , that she gave birth to me and I’m disrespecting her and everyone around her is so surprised that I’m doing this ect . I’m so so hurt and stressed keep thinking I am really doing something horrible am I bad daughter?I never got along with my mother she constantly guilt trip me about something. But I do respect her and love her despite everything . She really knocked down any excitement I had for our special trip now . What is your thoughts ? Would you be hurt if your daughter eloped and get married without you? Please any advice I’m so stressed.

OP posts:
MintyCedricRidesAgain · 24/06/2022 20:21

I think your perfectly entitled to get married however you choose, but expecting your mum to have your kids for 2 week even though you say you never gotten on with her so you can do so is a bit of a piss take tbh.

I can see why she's not happy.

PuffinMcStuffin · 24/06/2022 20:24

I can understand why she's pissy with you - she's good enough for childcare but not good enough to be involved in your wedding. Does she feel like you will just pick her up and put her down as you need her?

Spanielsarepainless · 24/06/2022 20:28

You aren't eloping as you told your mother you were getting married. You are getting married abroad. I agree with PPs that you think she is good enough to look after your children but not good enough to come to your wedding. And what is 'ect'?

FawnFrenchieMum · 24/06/2022 20:31

Honestly, I’d be gutted if my DD didn’t want me at her wedding but then equally couldn’t imagine not having my children then if they had have been born before we married.

junebirthdaygirl · 24/06/2022 20:32

I think most mom's would be upset if they weren't there to see their dd marry. You have dc. Picture that in a few years time. You surely must have known she wouldn't be excited about it..As a mum l would be gutted not to see my dd on her wedding day but l wouldn't fall out with her over it. But l wold hope she wouldn't be cheeky enough to ask me to stay home and mind her children...that would be a step too far

TheArtfulScreamer1 · 24/06/2022 20:32

If my daughter wanted to elope and get married I'd smile and wish her the best and say if that's what she wants I'm happy for her but truth be told I'd be devastated and would break my heart to DH.
So to answer your question I don't think your mum is unreasonable but nor do I think you are to have the wedding you want. Did your mum know from the start that she was having the kids so that you could go and get married?

Original poster
Bumblebee30 · 24/06/2022 20:33

she Is very happy to see her grandchildren and stay with them she is very devoted grandma and she doesn’t see them often just couple times a year . It’s not like she is not good enough to come to our wedding money is the problem we cannot afford another accommodation and another 3 flights in US and I always had a dream to get married in that location that’s why We decided to go just two of us .

OP posts:
passport123 · 24/06/2022 20:35

Bumblebee30 · 24/06/2022 20:33

she Is very happy to see her grandchildren and stay with them she is very devoted grandma and she doesn’t see them often just couple times a year . It’s not like she is not good enough to come to our wedding money is the problem we cannot afford another accommodation and another 3 flights in US and I always had a dream to get married in that location that’s why We decided to go just two of us .

How would you feel if your daughter valued the location of her wedding more than having you there?

RandomMess · 24/06/2022 20:36

She's not unreasonable to be upset, she's unreasonable to tell you now and make a drama out of it.

Personally I'd be very upset to be excluded but I would just accept that it's what my DC wanted.

Original poster
Bumblebee30 · 24/06/2022 20:38

I thought about that before planning and to be honest as long my kids are happy I would be happy with their choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bumblebee30 · 24/06/2022 20:42

when I called her to discuss our plans she was very happy with everything, she really wanted to stay with kids and was excited . I asked her thoughts and did asked would she be ok to stay with kids I didn’t simply announced her that she is staying with kids and I’m leaving to get married. She was happy with everything till today

OP posts:
MissyCooperismyShero · 24/06/2022 20:48

Even though loads of people are telling you they can quite understand your Mum being upset, you don't seem to be taking that onboard. Could you be generally quite self centred? I mean we all are really, but most of us at least try to fight it.

Rinatinabina · 24/06/2022 20:53

Can’t imagine getting married without my kids tbh.

Original poster
Bumblebee30 · 24/06/2022 20:57

Yes I do take it on board all opinions that’s why I posted here and I do understand why she is upset . I would of changed my plans if my mother said something couple months ago. I’m not arguing and saying she is unreasonable

OP posts:
GreatStuff67 · 24/06/2022 20:58

Honestly, I'm baffled that you chose a location over your Mum (and kids). I completely get why she's upset. That's pretty cold 😬

GreatStuff67 · 24/06/2022 21:00

Bumblebee30 · 24/06/2022 20:57

Yes I do take it on board all opinions that’s why I posted here and I do understand why she is upset . I would of changed my plans if my mother said something couple months ago. I’m not arguing and saying she is unreasonable

Eh.... The title of the thread is 'Is my mother unreasonable?'....

Original poster
Bumblebee30 · 24/06/2022 21:02

English is not my first language so maybe I express myself not the way I mean it:)

OP posts:
OompaLoompaa · 24/06/2022 21:06

You are the U one OP.

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 24/06/2022 21:11

I’d be devastated if I was your mum. She should have told you earlier so that you could make more reasonable plans, but to be honest you should never have suggested it on the first place.

Ponderingwindow · 24/06/2022 21:16

I’d be very upset if my child got married without me. She gets to make her own decisions and I would try to keep my feelings to myself, but it would be difficult to pretend to be ok with it. I don’t think I’m that good of an actress.

RandomMess · 24/06/2022 21:23

So she was completely on board and now she's changed her mind.

She's being unreasonable and I wonder if friends have being saying things that she's suddenly being angry and unkind?

Sapphirensteel · 24/06/2022 21:29

I wouldn’t have been at all offended if either of my daughters had married abroad, or indeed had decided to have a just the two of them wedding in the UK, it’s their choice. As you’re intending just the two of you travel to the States to marry it would be a bit weird taking your mother with you.
But I’m not your mother and she’s entitled to her feelings and opinions.
Is she still going to look after your dc or do you need to arrange alternative care for them?

Original poster
Bumblebee30 · 24/06/2022 21:31

Yes, I think it’s one of her closest friends have made some comments. My mom always cared very much what she is thinking as her kids are very successful and I’m not I have simple life and simple job so I’m constantly being compared with them by my mother.

OP posts:
GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 24/06/2022 21:35

Based on her being absolutely fine with it originally, and looking forward to having the kids with her - I would put money on her friends telling her that it's awful you've not invited her to her wedding.

She was probably all excited about her holiday with her grandkids and telling her friends, and they've shit all over it and made her feel crap, so she's now taking that out on you.

Is your husband to be the same nationality as you? Wondering if that's adding to people thinking you should have gone 'home' to get married.

I'd ask her what's really going on, I think, and why it's suddenly a problem.

Original poster
Bumblebee30 · 24/06/2022 21:35

Oh yes she loves her grandkids very very much she gets to see them only couple weeks a year and she is really happy to have them. We booked her a very nice Vila near beach so she could rest as well.

OP posts: