Is my mother unreasonable?

[Bumblebee30]

Hello everyone,
My and my partner are eloping and getting married in US just two of us in couple weeks time as we don’t have any family apart my mother and we want to rest and make celebration for ourselves.We live in UK for the past 10 years so my mother gets to see our kids couple times a year as she is living in our origin country. We made our mind to elope couple months ago , called my mother and asked is she available to have kids for couple weeks she said no problem ,but wants to take kids to holiday town and we should pay for their hotel as she doesn’t have enough money ect . So we booked her and the kids nice hotel to stay for a week everything was ok she was happy with everything. Fast forward to today when couple weeks left till our trip my mother called me and said how hurt and disrespected she is that she is not included in my marriage , that she gave birth to me and I’m disrespecting her and everyone around her is so surprised that I’m doing this ect . I’m so so hurt and stressed keep thinking I am really doing something horrible am I bad daughter?I never got along with my mother she constantly guilt trip me about something. But I do respect her and love her despite everything . She really knocked down any excitement I had for our special trip now . What is your thoughts ? Would you be hurt if your daughter eloped and get married without you? Please any advice I’m so stressed.

I can see why she is upset - but I think it’s unreasonable for her to tell you now, and not a few months earlier when you originally asked. Because now you’ve presumably booked travel and accommodation which is not refundable.

I don’t think she is unreasonable to feel upset, but yes her timing is unreasonable.

Ultimately though it’s your wedding - and you don’t owe her a wedding just because she is your mother, however hurt she may feel. Some people just want to get married completely privately and that’s absolutely fine.

I get the feeling that your mother is very hurt and feeling humiliated and I can see why, given the fact that she is expected to do childcare while you have your "dream wedding", however much she loves her grandchildren. Perhaps the opinion of her friends has made things worse, hence humiliation.

Clearly she is not so awful that you have any issue leaving them with her while you are away for 2 weeks. Could you do something special with her when you get back, so she feels more involved? A special family dinner?

I'd be pissed off too! Why don't you want your children at your wedding let alone your mother!you are the unreasonable one.

It definitely sounds as if someone has been winding her up.

I have never said that my mom is awful, we just don’t get along sometimes .I never expected her to do childcare I asked her if she wanted and if it would be ok for her , everything was discussed. We do have a special dinner as well with her .

Yes my partner is the same nationality as myself. Problem is that in my country wedding expectations are very high and it’s very very expensive we couldn’t afford 2 day all inclusive wedding with all extended family as you have to invite everyone.

I would then suggest that you explain to her, really tactfully and carefully, why you are doing this, make it clear that it is what you and your husband to be really want and that it is not because you don't value her. The fact no one else will be there should help as she is not being excluded as such.

Speaking as one who had 2 random witnesses at my first wedding and a close friend and husbands nearest relative at my second, I totally get doing your own thing. I think here though a lot of diplomacy is needed, because I think she feels bruised and inadequate due to her friends comments.

I’m more surprised that you’re not involving your kids in your wedding. At all!
I feel sorry for your mum. She has no other family, this is the one family celebration that she will ever have and you’ve excluded her from it. It’s a shame.

I'm more surprised that you're not including your DC in your wedding. How old are they?

I would accept that as my adult child's choice.

Is this real?
You are eloping but told your mother so you are not eloping
You have dc but don't want them at the wedding how do you think they will feel
Jeez you are beyond selfish no wonder your mum is upset

I can’t understand your approach at all. Why is a place more important than having your kids at your wedding?

They only see her a couple of times a year and you’re dumping them on her for two weeks. You keep saying she was okay with it but how about them? You don’t say how old they are but are you really going to feel good telling them they weren’t wanted at their mum and dad’s wedding, that the venue was the most important thing and that you couldn’t afford to take them but that’s okay? That they were left with their grandma they rarely see for two weeks.

None of its okay.

If you don't have any other family, then neither does she really, and you've deliberately not included her in the most important event of your life.

If I was her I'd be heartbroken.

Our kids are absolutely happy with the arrangements we spoke with them before we made our decision they are very excited for us . They are 13 and 7 . They have very close relationships with their grandma. They stay with her for 2 weeks every summer it’s not like she is a stranger to them and we are dumping our kids to a stranger . We have special celebration holiday booked as well with kids and my mom.

You mentioned that the reason for not inviting your mother or your children is the cost of the extra flights....but you've booked and paid for a villa on the beach?!?!
Admit it OP, you just don't want them there (and in my opinion the kids are just telling you what you want to hear, most 13 year olds especially are old enough to feel left out of their own mothers wedding, even the 7 year old probably wonders why you don't want them there)
You have given plenty of reasons (excuses) for them not to go but I think it has just dawned on your mother that she is good enough for child care but not good enough to enjoy special events in your life, whether friends pointed it out to her or she realised by herself I'm not surprised she feels hurt.

You've made your choice, and seemed to have covered all the bases.

Your claim that finances were a consideration just doesn't stack up though. You're having a 2 week wedding/honeymoon. Hiring a beachfront villa. Then having a celebration Holliday with family. Surely all of this could have been done in a week for the same cost? Then you'd have been able to marry in front of the people who love you most.

It wouldn't be a choice I would make. Nor most other posters either, by the looks of things.

So it can't be surprising to you that your mum thinks it's not the choice she would have preferred.

In answer to your original question, no your mum isn't being unreasonable. Her raising it so close to your wedding may be tactless of her though.

Enjoy your day and your 2 week holiday. And then your celebration holiday with your kids and mum.

I would be devastated if my children didn't want me at their wedding
Especially as we are so close I am ok to have their children for two weeks......

You sat your kids, including a 7 year old, down and asked if they’d like to come to be with mum and dad while they get married in the US or if they’d rather miss it and they said they’d rather miss it?

I don't think your mum is unreasonable. I think she's understandably upset. And I'm a little confused you can't see why.

She's from a culture where weddings are a big family occasion spread over two days. To find out she's not even invited is quite a kick in the teeth.

You don't have enough money is an excuse. You don't need two weeks. Plus you've just paid for a villa on a beach for your kids.

It's obviously your wedding and do what you want. But it's really hard to see why you wouldn't want your kids there let alone your mum. Yes she shouldn't have raised this now. But frankly I'm a little shocked at his self absorbed you are.

It would have been better if she told you all this when the plans were being made but she’s probably digested it all now and thought if she doesn’t give express her opinion she’ll regret it.
You aren’t eloping and the semi involving your mum by asking her to babysit for two weeks is off I think.