I really need this thread to het me through!

[imsuchawally]

Changed my username many times, I'm sure the admin on here must think Ive well and truly lost the plot...and I have!

I left my abusive exH last year. He ended up going into therapy, he's still there and I really thought he might do been changing. He has in some ways.

Therapy isn't enough to change some people js it? I haven't gone back to him by the way.

There was no violence involved. He's just a completely messed up person.

He was taking accountability for everything he's done to me but now it's

'I don't understand how someone (meaning me) could leave their husband they loved and adored so much, I would never do that'

I left because I was feeling so so low and I tried to talk to him....he told me I had annoyed him and he didn't need it, as well as many other things.

Why do you want from this thread ?

You can be pleased for him to get help for his sake and any future girlfriends and forgive him if you feel ready or want to but you don't have to go back to him. Why are you even still in contact with him? You need better boundaries with him if you have children and if you have no children together tying you up then block him everywhere.

Just for someone to help me realise that people don't change. They can in some ways but maybe not always in the way you expect it too. Sorry I know I'm not making much sense, it's like I'm addicted to this man that just causes me constant pain.

I am in therapy also, I'm doing so well in many ways! But I just need to be a bit stronger when it comes to him.

No he won’t change.
He may pretend to change if he wants you back, but then he will revert to type.
Do you have kids together ? If not, just block him and move on .

Yes we have a dc together. And yes I totally agree. I haven't gone back to him but I was seeing massive changes in him which I thought were real. It was messing with my head slightly but I am away from him. I just felt I was at a point where I could of easily let him back in.

Just checking in
I'm in a similar situation
I don't want him back and I don't believe his claims he has changed but it doesn't stop you from feeling very sad at the loss of your marriage and what should have been op so I understand how you are feeling

The comment that (I presume) he's made says it all - he's trying to guilt and manipulate you into believing that YOU are in the wrong here

He hasn't changed and very possibly, won't.

He was pretending to take accountability. Your next setence is him trying to manipulate you.

No, he won't change. If you do give him another inch he'll drag you, whilst telling you how little you mean to him, up that mile and further. And he'll enjoy it so much more because he's won that little battle.

Build up your life without him, go and re-arrange the cushions the way you want them, have something for dinner he doesn't like. You can do this

It's so hard isn't it. I saw some changes. Many of them good. I haven't gone back to playing happy families or anything but I've certainly seen him in a different light. So much better to be around when I am around him - it's not often but enough for me to see.

But DS was poorly the other night and asking for his daddy so he came over and put him to bed etc. He then started talking and I saw the old him again. It made me sad.

One thing he said was 'I am the nicest person you could ever wish to meet'.....he put me through hell on earth for months. Stalking me, accusing me of things, turning his older dc against me, sleeping with another woman and rubbing it in my face.

I just saw the real him again.

He then started talking and I saw the old him again

The old him? Or just the real him?
This is who he is. No amount of wishing that he was something else will make it so.

Yeah i stopped spending 'family' time with him at weekends with ds where he'd be on his best behaviour as I couldn't stand the fact that this is how it should have been
I'm also glad I didn't due to the fact it's now come out he has been seeing someone else so I would have felt like a tit
He's still saying he'd rather be with me but I know he hasn't actually changed as he slips up occasionally and I see the old him is still there
Part of me keeps thinking he must have for someone else to put up with it but I know that's just bitterness on my part and he hasn't , he will just be hiding it from her for now

Its really helping to talk to ppl in similar situations about it though so thanks for starting the thread

Of course he's not changed, he may have had therapy, but he's already using that therapy to blame you again! 'How could you leave someone you loved' that's such a loaded statement, designed to make him the victim - he's not changed

People can change. It doesn't happen overnight. It's a slow thing with hard work and commitment. Do you think you could change whatever flaws you have? I suspect you do believe that otherwise life would be without hope and so so bleak. If change isn't possible then people wouldn't be able to over come alcohol misuse, depression, anxiety, etc

It doesn't mean you shouldn't be wary. Not at all. He's having therapy and probably having some lightbulb moments. I guess it depends on how long you want to give up to seeing how he gets on in the long term and if you want to risk that time being for nothing, if he stays essentially the same.

You saw the old him because he's still in the process of change.

One thing he said was 'I am the nicest person you could ever wish to meet'.

My abusive ex came out with "I am the only person you can talk to about this" and similar such gems to try and stop me from talking to and trusting other people.

All the 'nice' stuff is an illusion, OP, don't be fooled by any of it

The real him. I get it x

It's all so toxic isn't it. I had messages from the OW claiming he was telling her I was crazy. Yet she had also convinced him that the reason I left him was because I had someone else - I hadn't.

It's just so very damaging and so hard to deal with. He can be the loveliest, kindest person when he wants to be. But now I see that's only to get me to go back.

I'm sorry you are going through this too. Just think of it as 'he is her problem now, not yours. It won't be long until she sees the real him too

Yea I can't imagine what he's told ow as he damned as hell hasn't told her the truth that's for sure
I think we're both mourning what should and could have been but can't be
I was nc with my mother when she died and again I think I mourned the relationship we SHOULD have had

Real, sustainable change takes a long, long time. Especially if those behaviours are deeply entrenched. I think I remember you posting under a different username the other day when you were upset about a comment he made about Tinder? And that you'd left him due to the abuse from his MH issues, but was hoping with time and therapy it would work out?

If so, ditch this guy right now. He hasn't changed, or if he has, it's so peripheral that it's not enough to be worth getting back with someone who has treated you so terribly. I imagine you are stuck in what is known as the "trauma bond" where you have had years of him treating you like shit at various junctures, and then pulling out the stops just at the point where you are going to leave or make a decision. This is called intermittent reinforcement, and deludes you into thinking the changes he professes to make are long standing and will make a difference - they won't. If you are the OP from the thread the other day, his mental health problems are far too pervasive to just be resolved within a matter of months.

Put it this way - I left my ex DP (who I have a DS with) last year. He got very swiftly into a new relationship where he is now living with new girlfriend (of 5 months, with her two kids) and has accelerated their relationship at the speed of light. I spent many hours/days/weeks crying - surely he must have changed, I was the problem all along (like he constantly told me), he's going to be wonderfully happy etc - nobody would go out with a man as shitty as the one I saw, right? Guess what - my ex is still, despite being happy and content, abusing me, intimidating me, threatening me via email (the only place he can contact me) because I'm trying to make a very simple, reasonable change to something regarding our DS. All my emails have been polite, informative, factual - I grey rock him, and show absolutely no emotion whatsoever. But he continues to try and control me, all the while accusing me of being controlling, abusive, manipulative, threatening social services and the police etc. The things that I disliked enough about him to leave, the temper and anger and disrespect - I can still see them all.

I just want to give you a big virtual hug Babe xx

Yes it's me. I must sound like such an idiot. I feel pathetic that I just cannot get over him x

Thank you so much, I could do with one! I always worry about posting because I know I don't sound great. I sound weak and just as bad as him in some ways as I am allowing him to treat me this way

I feel pathetic too op
I know I have major issues too and the reality is that I'm not in love with him I'm just scared of being on my own forever while he goes off and lives the life we should have had
There's a lot of stuff I need to work on myself but there is no quick fix.

You absolutely do not sound like an idiot, at all.

Traumatic, and toxic relationships have incredibly complicated and difficult emotions to separate from, and it does sound very much like you are probably trauma bonded to your ex - read up about it, learn about the coping strategies (you almost have a chemical addiction to them, after the years of toxicity) and remember that this is normal in these situations. Once I read about trauma bonds and the legacy of abusive relationships, I was so much kinder to myself.

It's not easy, and the more he moves on the worse you will feel initially, but then you will realise a sense of freedom you didn't knew existed.

Something I found really helpful when I was really doubting myself and my decision was to write down a list of all the shitty things my ex had done to me/made me do/said to me/accused me of. It ran on for two A4 pages, and I kept it next to me at all times in the initial weeks. Every time I doubted myself, or wondered whether I'd made the right decision, I went and reflected back on those words I'd written. I blocked out a lot of the emotional turmoil of being with him, so it was good to have a physical copy of the factual, undisputed logs of the shitty things he had done.

Remember also - even if he does change (which I highly doubt completely) - this does not in anyway invalidate what you've experienced. Those things you felt, and still feel, all the crappy things he's done before and since - those are all very real, and you are entitled to and indeed understandably have been affected massively by them. He may change into the worlds most adoring and capable person, but that doesn't mean he is suddenly a different person, he is still the person who put you through shit.