I really need this thread to het me through!

[imsuchawally]

Changed my username many times, I'm sure the admin on here must think Ive well and truly lost the plot...and I have!

I left my abusive exH last year. He ended up going into therapy, he's still there and I really thought he might do been changing. He has in some ways.

Therapy isn't enough to change some people js it? I haven't gone back to him by the way.

There was no violence involved. He's just a completely messed up person.

Google 'hoovering'. He won't change op.

@PollyDarton1 thank you so much. I've been crying all day today, I just cannot stop the tears. I feel like an absolute idiot for thinking the changes were real.

I've then had my abusive father on the phone who as usual just talked about himself. I mentioned to him about a house I'm going to view next week and his reply was 'oh hope it works out' and carried on talking about his holiday. This is his daughter that's been through the most traumatic time in her life and he just doesn't care enough to be there. He's another one I just feel I have to cut out.

Going back to exH....I just feel I am the one with the problem now because who lets someone abuse and hurt you so much yet tries to carry on with them? Though in my defence, his promise of change was very convincing. This morning I was told I basically didn't put enough effort into him feeling loved

I've let him well and truly break me. I was just hoping to have that lightbulb moment where you wake up and realise everything but I don't think it exists. I just want to turn it all off now.

This morning I was told I basically didn't put enough effort into him feeling loved

I had the exact same line . Apparently I gave up too easily . After the umpteenth time of him blocking a bottle of red for breakfast etc etc etc .....

I've been totally where you are at right now. It feels so soul destroying and like you'll never breathe again, but I promise you that you will. You're not an idiot for thinking he's changed, in some ways your exH has done more than my ex ever did and actually believed that he needed to change!

These things aren't black and white - we often let the people who continually treat us like shit back because of the glimmer of hope we see when they "behave" normally. Plus you have a long and shared history and the concept of being on your own, with a child, must be very daunting. It's especially so of people who have been in abusive relationships to want to continue on with them because they don't know any different - particularly if you've also got an abusive father - this kind of behaviour is entrenched in your mind as being normal or acceptable.

You will have a lightbulb moment, but for the time being the focus should be on you trying to extract yourself as much as you possibly can from his grip. He's clearly hoovering you, like a PP said, and you need to distance yourself as much as possible (children not withstanding) and grey rock him.

And yes I feel exactly the same about what sort of person puts up with this shit?
Well, let's just not put up with it anymore op . Let's keep looking forward and learn from it .

Stay strong. You are doing OK. You've been through an abusive relationship and he is still abusing you. It's messing with your head. He is showing you that he hasn't changed. He's telling you that he's a lovely person and you don't deserve him / that you should have tried harder / that he's a better person than you. Clearly none of these things are true. He's messing with you, trying to manipulate and control you. HE. HASN'T. CHANGED.

This man cheated on you. Lied to you. Told lies about you to his OW. And much more I expect.

Even if he did manage to 'get better' through therapy it would take a long, long time, and there would be no guarantee he would never go back to his old ways. And he is not showing any signs of therapy working. While ever he sees himself as the victim and you as the bad guy the therapy won't make any difference. Because he sees it that YOU need to change, not him. So why would he put any effort in to changing? He's told you, he's a lovely guy and you're the baddy. Do you see, he is showing you that he hasn't changed?

You have done the right thing. Keep reminding yourself that this man is abusive and he doesn't want what's best for you. His only priority in life is himself.

I'm so glad you're posting here OP and you don't sound stupid, anyone who thinks that has no understanding of the damage abusive relationships do to a person. You do have to weed out the responses that are helpful on here though, and learn to ignore the unhelpful. I hope you'll keep posting, lots of us do understand and can help you unpick how you're feeling.

A person with mental health problems or abusive tendencies can get much better with counselling and medication however they can easily regress when in the stress of a relationship.
I have complex PTSD and am fine on my own but deteriorate as soon as I am in a relationship and go downhill pretty fast so I don't have relationships.

I don't think my ex should have another relationship- he always jumps from one to the next but has no idea not to look after himself properly.

I'm sorry you have had such a rough time x

Well, he's still blaming you for his behaviour.

So he hasn't changed much.

Try and remember he has many years of reliance on his old techniques. To put it in the kindest way, he's been successful so far with his old strategies. He's a long road ahead of him to embed new strategies, if he wants to do so.

So looking at him with kindness and generosity of spirit, he learned some bad habits and needs lots of practice in new situations to develop new habits. If you put him in the same old situation (with you) you'll get the same old behaviour.

Also, why should you put up with him while he practices being better?

As I said, that's the kind explanation.
The harsher one is he's an arse and you're well rid. He's still and arse. He's likely to be an arse forever especially if you let him. Stay away.