Has anyone’s abusive ex gone on to have a normal relationship next?

[Itshotatnight]

My ex husband was awful but he is in another relationship now and on the outside it appears fine. I know that ours did also from the outside. Either that or it’s still in the stage where it’s love bombing still.

Someone said to me once that perhaps we were just not right together and it kind of created the toxic environment.

I can’t understand how someone though could be so horrible (emotionally he was bad) then go on and be normal. I remember when I left he said he’d take his own life, he’d take mine and any guy if I ever cheated etc etc. I had therapy and the freedom programme for myself.

I've only ever seen it when the person was an addict, has entered recovery, done some serious work and is actually committed to the process. In this case they normally make amends of some sort or at least try to previous partners. And even then I'm going on patchy information.

Miraculous change from abusive to not abusive in a new relationship? No.

I'm glad you've had therapy though. You deserve to move on.

Yes. They've been together longer than I was with him and still going strong.

Maybe I'm kidding myself but I think she's a different personality, she seems really nice and kind and the type to roll over to his controlling bullying ways. I like to think I'm nice and kind too obviously but every time he pulled his shit I would pull him up on it, and he hated it. In his mind, I'm argumentative and difficult.

If she's happy, I'm happy for her. If she isn't, I hope she finds support somewhere like MN as I did.

@MrsTerryPratchett ive moved on personally and met someone lovely. I just wonder if our child will be ok. He was ok with them but I wonder if they would witness it again in this new relationship. They have been together just over a year. Me ex is 46 and she must be younger as she is having a baby with him already.

I think sometimes losing everything because of their behaviour can be a wake up call to some people who were abusive but have the ability to self reflect.

However, most imo just go on to repeat their patterns. It might be that this relationship hasn't triggered old patterns in your ex yet or it might be he's done some serious self reflection and stopped abusive behaviours from coming out. You won't ever know.

I'm glad you did the freedom programme.

My DH had an extremely toxic relationship with his ex wife, he openly admits it was awful. His kids have told me how much they argued and that they witnessed her being violent towards him and told everyone it was him on numerous occasions. We’ve gone on to have a wonderful relationship, we’ve never even argued. There’s been no stress or drama at all in over seven years.
She’s remarried too and it seems to be another crap relationship, lots of arguments and tears. he’s very controlling of her.
I guess some people just aren’t right for each other.

My alcoholic ex is now with someone else and it's killing me thinking he must have changed for her but couldn't for me. Though I know that likely isn't true I'm still suddenly so upset about it . We aren't even divorced yet

@TibetanTerrah so he hasn’t changed he has just found someone who is less strong and easy to manipulate. I became less and less easy to manipulate after I had our child and he just got worse and worse.

Thats what I believe, because I don't think he can change. His views on what a partner should be seem so ingrained and when he doesn't get his own way he just shuts off, leaves and moves on.

But really I have no way of knowing. They might be perfect for each other and I don't mind if that's that's case. Our relationship became a choice of me doing exactly what he said and when, or constant rows, and I would never go back.

My ex went on to have a car crash relationship now he is with someone very similar to me to took a lot before we split so I'm assuming she will be around for awhile plus the stresses we had they don't have they don't have young children he barely sees our children so there is less stress as a whole there is always is manufacturerd drama as he does enjoy it but she hasn't indulged so far....as ever I'm in a total state of anxiety waiting for the ball to drop

I'm in counselling discussing this very issue. He hasn't but it's a bug fear of mine and I know will make me feel worthless when it does happen. I'm pretty much convinced it will because he is a gentle person to others and women seem to like talking to him. Especially when we were together 🙄. We have been split for over two years. I've tried dating but I'm not ready. I left him because if an affair but he had been emotionally avoidant for years before that which seemed to translate in his head as "me a,ways arguing with him". He has changed. I guess. It's still painful. He would lie and lie to my face.

It's very unsettling, isn't it? My ex was emotionally abusive and controlling, it escalated to punching a wall next to my head and I left. Less than a year later he met someone who seemed absolutely nice and normal. It really freaked me out to think he'd become nice and normal too. They have a baby now. I'm just relieved I didn't have a baby with him. I did hear he was asked to leave a job in strange circumstances so it may be that his unpleasantness just started coming out in different places. His new partner was the same age, whereas I was about ten years younger, I wonder if that changed the dynamic a bit.

People rarely change. If, after a period of reflection, they pick up a new partner then it’s really not our business how that pans out.
No longer our circus. Or our monkeys.

Its taken me 2 years of self reflection and therapy to arrive at this conclusion…

As someone said upthread, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

It is hard not to feel that you were to blame but the other person was in control of their behaviour. We were not compatible at all really from the beginning but it took 10 years for me to leave. Maybe this new lady is more compatible personality wise. I’m guessing he still has his triggers but she may not be pressing them as I did. We absolutely brought the worst out in each other that’s for sure. She does seem really nice and I expect that as I was when we met.

My ex was emotionally abusive towards me (late teens) and he seems to be in a loving relationship now. Obviously this could be just how it looks on the outside but we have lots of friends in common who say he is lovely to his fiancé and they have a very happy relationship. Also her Dad is a police officer and the type that I don't think he would get away with treating his 'little girl' any less than the princess she is if you see what I mean.

We did speak years after our break up and he apologised for how he treated me and said it taught him alot about himself being with me. I genuinely think we triggered a lot of stuff in each other that made us incompatible which he didn't know how to deal with without getting nasty.

I think this would be different in other situations though as we were very young. Some people have that abusive personality and I don't think they will ever change without undergoing counselling and implementing changes to help them manage relationships and how they treat people.

I really hope for your DC's sake OP that he has changed but I understand your caution as I would be the same. Well done to you for getting out of that relationship and getting support to overcome what happened to you 👏

I feel mine maybe has learnt from his mistakes or he is getting more clever with how he goes about it. He was a former addict in his past and with me he had problems with drink and weed. His previous girlfriends were beaten and my ex did hurt one bad then cut his own arms. He did not however hit me but he was angry. I tried my hardest to fix him to no avail. Perhaps he is now using this story to get sympathy out of this lady like he did with me.

@Itshotatnight my ex before the alcoholic exh was completely unhinged and a lot of what he said was bullshit for example telling everyone his ex wife had cheated and the way she had treated him had caused all of the issues he had during our relationship
He then dumped and ghosted me over nothing
Turns out his ex hadn't cheated and he had actually done the same to her
He no doubt told his next wife all the same stories but just replaced his ex wife's name with mine

No.no.no.

Mine has been married and had another child. They've been together over 25 years. However, from what I've heard in the past, there has been abuse in that relationship and all 3 of now have mental health issues. So from the outside they look fine but not on the inside.

I was with him for 6 years or so and we had a 5 year old when I left.

There are men who will never ever change: the narcissists, violent sociopath/psychopaths who simply hate women, don't see them as human beings and will always end up manipulating and abusing them physically and mentally.

The fact that your ex went for someone much younger and that they moved very quickly sounds like a red flag: he chose someone who would be easier to manipulate and love-bombed to make sure he could get as much control as possible.

if someone's behaviour was linked to addiction to alcohol and/or drugs rather than a deep seated hatred of women and a personality disorder then it is possible that once the person finally makes the decision to become clean they are finally able to form good relationships. But your ex doesn't sound like one of these people.

I would assume that his new partner will soon see the real him once he thinks he has her fully trapped with a baby...

I think unless people that are abusive undergo a program of intense therapy and recognition of their behaviour they don't change. A honeymoon then ok- ish period may ensue but the person's inner self will eventually emerge.
This is the pattern of my ex wife's behaviour. I was genuinely pleased for her and her new husband when they got married, sent them a card and wished them well. 7 years on and the poor blokes struggling to deal with her anger issues and keeping it together. I had this conversation with my daughter on Monday as she's concerned things are bad for them. I thought it was the combination of our personalities that made it unworkable. I think you just have to accept some people are just made that way.

They have been together just over a year. Me ex is 46 and she must be younger as she is having a baby with him already

If it's only a year then he is in lovebombing phase. Once she is commited (having a baby) I imagine his behaviour will revert to type. It's incredibly hard for an adult to change emotional reactions, so age is a factor. If he's in his 40s it's very unlikely he can change.

When I met Ex H I thought his previous relationship failed due to lack of compatibility however I now know he was also controlling with her. No one is compatible with a controlling twat!

Your ex was definitely abusive and I don't believe he can change - time will tell. If it took you 10 years it may take that long for her.

@Whitehorsegirl this is what I thought also. I became pregnant within months of meeting him, I was young and scared and he would pull off contraception. I chose on my own not to keep the baby as I was scared. It is a decision that was hard and I carried it with me but it was not the wrong decision. He trapped me in other ways and used my decision not to keep the baby as a chain around my neck for many years. I just hope that it will be different so my child does not witness anything plus her child also. I remember when I was pregnant he told me he didn’t want a boy as he was scared he would be tough on it and hit it like his dad hit him. Luckily we had a girl but this lady is having a boy so who knows.

Sometimes people do change with age. But he beat his former gfs... That's pretty serious. He was not physically violent with you, but it was there.

Also, sometimes people change, but it's just temporary. I knew a guy who was a bit abusive to his family. He went through a nice guy phase and now he's in his seventies, he's just the same. It rarely lasts forever I'm afraid.

But let's hope for his new gf sake your ex is the exception!

No.

Time will tell.

If it works.(appears to work) it's it's she has low standards and/or is putting up with it.

A year and pregnant already.

I was in an abusive relationship and it was only really occurring to me that it was around a year. In fact I truly only appreciated it some time after the relationship finished. Getting pregnant within a relatively short time like that is high risk. Which she'll probably find out.