Has anyone’s abusive ex gone on to have a normal relationship next?

[Itshotatnight]

My ex husband was awful but he is in another relationship now and on the outside it appears fine. I know that ours did also from the outside. Either that or it’s still in the stage where it’s love bombing still.

Someone said to me once that perhaps we were just not right together and it kind of created the toxic environment.

I can’t understand how someone though could be so horrible (emotionally he was bad) then go on and be normal. I remember when I left he said he’d take his own life, he’d take mine and any guy if I ever cheated etc etc. I had therapy and the freedom programme for myself.

Oh and he's gone younger for a reason too.

Again, I thought I was experienced and knowledgeable at 35 with a 45 yr old. I was not.

I've felt let the same op - my relationship was utterly toxic by the end but in the beginning I was the best thing since sliced bread (soul mate/never been in love like this before blah blah).

He's now remarried within less than 3 years but they seem happy - she hasn't got kids though so no one for him to compete with for her undivided attention and he's just reinvented himself again from what I can tell.

I generally try not to give it too much headspace because there's no point and it doesn't serve me but every now and then I wonder if it was me that was the problem?

yes i think so but she is some older woman who doesnt mind being shouted at and being a domestic servant. Maybe in her country and her generation this was more normal, i dont know/

Not in a million years OP. I feel sorry for the new woman and he's done the usual and started a family with her early on, increasing her reliance on him.

Abusive people don't become abusive because they're with an incompatible partner. They're abusive because they're abusive. Plain and simple. It really doesn't matter who they're with, the idea that it makes any difference is a myth rooted in victim blaming.

I don't believe abusive people ever change. And unfortunately in your situation there are the usual red flags (gone for someone younger and got her pregnant early on). Hopefully having a baby together won't stop her leaving in the future.

Yes it's possible. Sometimes the abuse is a product of a broken or toxic relationship, rather than being a fixed personality trait of the abuser. Lots of couples have a healthy relationship for years, and the abuse only starts when the relationship begins to break down.

Someone who is abusive in one relationship can be the perfect partner in another. (There's no such thing as perfect partner, it's nature for everyone to have their flaws although some have more than others!) As painful as it may be, sometimes we have to accept that in some scenarios it's an incompatibility that fuels the abuse.

At the same time, there are still lots of people out there who's flawed personalities mean they can't be anything other than abusive. Long term they will show through because all their relationships will have the same abusive traits going on.

Abuse is also in the eye of the beholder/victim to some extent as well (but only with the mildest forms). To someone, their partner's controlling abuse might be just viewed as being assertive to another partner.

I think this is more likely. As a regular MNer I know that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is zero. Other women may not be so intolerant of my ex kicking stuff around and calling them a cunt on a regular basis, so in that respect I guess they would consider it a normal relationship. His ex before me went on to meet (and stay with) men who were physically abusive and has had the police/childrens services involved with their joint DCs, so I’m sure to her, my ex was a ‘normal’ relationship because she didn’t get hit (or so he says of course).

Normal is so subjective and to a large extent is based on those we surround ourselves with by comparison, so if his new partner is used to witnessing abuse this will be a normal and comfortable relationship for her to remain in.

Just thank your lucky stars you got out and your DCs have one calm and secure home. If things kick off at his house they need to feel that it’s ok to talk to you about and then you can address it.

it's an incompatibility that fuels the abuse

Absolutely Not! I'm not sure you understand abuse. This isn't having an argument but behaviour which is deliberately toxic.

If a couple are incompatible they either work out a compromise or separate amicably. I've had that type of relationship, sadness that it didn't work but no hard feelings on either side. I can look back fondly on it but see the differences.

No one is compatible with an abusive personality...even if you behave like a doormat you will get abused.

I really wish younger women were aware that older men often choose them for a reason - not just youth but lack of experience and assertiveness that often only comes with age.

@altmember I don't think you're understanding the difference between conflict and abuse. Abuse is not in the eye of the beholder. It's not an arbitrary concept. It's actually very clear cut.

Someone who's abusive in one relationship cannot be "perfect" for someone else, because they're an abusive person.

Of course it's possible that someone can be an abusive partner in one relationship and not abusive in another relationship. Otherwise, everyone would treat every other person they meet the same way (friendships or romantic partnerships).

This is a concept I’ve struggled to understand for a while. Unfortunately @altmember I disagree. Abuse is a mental problem I believe. They need to feel powerful and in control. They probably can’t be non abusive in intimate relationships because that need is always present. I get what people have said and that the tactics they use change depending on the victim because our strengths and weaknesses are unique. As long as they feel in control those behaviours will stay dormant. In my relationship that was certainly the case. I used to admire him so much until I began to understand how faulty he was then when I challenged I was in trouble. I was not allowed to challenge without all the things I owed him for brought up and all the mistakes I’ve ever made dragged up. Without him I was nothing.

I guess in his new relationship it will go well until she does something or something happens in his life where he feels power slip a little.

@altmember I might treat people differently depending on my relationship with them, but when it comes to romantic relationships there is consistency in how I treat my partner.

You're absolutely right @Itshotatnight , it's about power and control. Abusive people need to feel powerful and in control, which is not conducive to a healthy relationship. Relationships function well when both people are an equal team. Abusive people can't go from needing to feel powerful in one relationship to being happy to be part of a team in the next.

Yes but that's not what people want to hear .

My ex did, he gave up drinking and has been married for years now.

Sometimes things just come into my head years later and I am amazed at the ridiculousness about it. For example he would actively create situation where he looked like he was going above and beyond for me, very close to the ridiculous. I was in awe until I began to get bored with constantly having to tell him how grateful I was. I remember a point saying I know you do these big things but you know what would be great I’d love, some help cutting the grass, a companion to help me decorate (we were doing it up) to laugh and joke as we went along. That was a mistake, from that point on it was I’m not doing anything for you anymore.

I don’t think they change no. Maybe with lots of therapy but most of the time they don’t want to change. Abuse and control works for them.

Abusers make you feel great at the start of a relationship, they have to lay a fuck ton of ground work otherwise no woman would stay. The abuse comes out when the woman is most vulnerable e.g pregnant or with newborn.

I also think at the end of the day how can you ever be 100% sure that they have changed and they now have a good and stable relationship?
I know people who have terrible relationships such as my friend's sister who only ever confides in my friend but projects this absolutely fantastic life and relationship to everyone else .

For anyone to want to change, they need to recognise that in the first place.

Leaving a highly abusive H and spending 3 years in counselling (for me, and for the part I played in the downfall of the marriage) I believe EXH has continued on his own sweet abusive trajectory thinking that he was the perfect one and didn’t need any help at all.

I do feel for his girlfriend.

My ex from when I was a teenager - he was 29, I was 17 when we met. He was abusive in every way - coercive control, financial, sexual, emotional, physical - and had been so to the wife he left for me (I'm not proud, I didn't know he was married because he told me he was divorced and I'd met his parents, brother and friends, none of whom told me either). He left me when I was 20 for another woman my age, they have been together for 23 years now and seem happily married. He found religion about 15 years ago and apologised to me, I've seen them out and about and they are a good pairing. I was lucky and found my amazing late DH soon after that relationship ended, but the emotional scars that he caused are now interfering with my mental health in my new relationship, with a guy who is patient and kind. My ex was such a twat.