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Original poster

Blocked on her birthday after serious relationship, whyyy?

41 replies

Jim1987 · 24/06/2022 01:16

So I'd been seeing this girl for 9 months. Everything was going great for two months. She came with me to a fancy restaurant on my birthday and even invited me to her citizenship ceremony. We had loads of dates and were falling in love.

The problems first started about two months in when she video called me and said she didn't know where the relationship was going. This was despite me saying that I really wanted the relationship to work. She admitted that she was in love with me but that her recent ex was asking for another chance and she was considering going back. She made a really horrific comment about being "stuck in the middle" which was like a bullet through my heart. I couldn't believe how she could do this to me after all we'd had at that point. I was completely distraught. We stayed together though because she made a real effort to show she wanted me. But because I always thought she'd have a backup boyfriend to go to this gave me massive anxiety for the rest of the relationship.

Everything was going great for a while. We had such great times together on valentines day and even had some professional couples photos together. But over a few days/weeks she just seemed to completely lose interest. We never went out in the evenings anymore and stopped making plans for the future.

I should say at this point that she had never invited me to her house which I thought was really weird. Her excuse was that she had a "friend" who was down on his luck who needed a place to stay because he had a bad credit rating. She lived in a one bed rented flat.

So the time eventually came (about 9 months in) when she admitted to me that the person she was living with was her ex-boyfriend who apparently slept on a mattress on the floor. I'd pretty much worked this out anyway given how she hid things and from some comments she deleted on her Instagram profile. She said they weren't together but he made her promise that she wouldn't throw him out of the house because of his money problems. All the time she had this commitment to someone else at the expense of me not being allowed to her to her place.

After this we had a few massive arguments including one time where I exploded about how the ex boyfriend lies and how she was a massive hypocrite. She was always saying how we should be open with each other and tell each other everything but she kept this huge lie all the time.

Anyway we still made up after this and saw each other a few times after. I even went with her to see a house she was looking to buy. We were even talking about living together and having a family. She had an offer accepted on a house 2 days before...

On her birthday I woke up and found that she had blocked my phone number on both her work and home phone. I was completely distraught. We were video calling just 2 days before and even texting the night before. I thought we were going to spend our lives together in her new house and she just treated me like complete s*. I haven't even tried to contact her since because I truly truly despise her for what she's done to me.

Does anyone know what might have been going through her head to have blocked me on her birthday?

OP posts:
Feliciacat · 24/06/2022 01:29

I’m sorry this has happened to you. Anger is the right response as she’s treated you in many bad ways. You deserve better.

One of the big issues here is that there have been lies and probably more lies than you even know about (how can you know if she won’t tell you)? From what you say, I imagine maybe she had a boyfriend the whole time and you were here side piece. That would explain why she never had you to her apartment and you never met her friends and family. I mean, the apartment because of her ex living there is one thing. But why would that mean you couldn’t meet her friends and family?

Maybe on her birthday, she evaluated her prospects and decided to recommit fully to her boyfriend. Birthdays do tend to lead to reflection. One thing I would say is that cheaters are looking for validation; it’s not a poor reflection on you that this happened, it’s all on her. She only thought of herself feeling desirable and didn’t care about anyone outside of that.

I could be wrong but it’s just that your story is reminiscent of a relationship I had where I was the side piece without knowing. So the above is my theory. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/06/2022 01:39

I say this gently, op, but you allowed her to take you for a mug for months, and you should have dumped her ages ago. Why were you willing to tolerate this shit? You're lucky to have rid of her.

Original poster
Jim1987 · 24/06/2022 01:51

Aquamarine1029 · 24/06/2022 01:39

I say this gently, op, but you allowed her to take you for a mug for months, and you should have dumped her ages ago. Why were you willing to tolerate this shit? You're lucky to have rid of her.

I was in love, that's why. Realising now I was a mug :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Jim1987 · 24/06/2022 01:52

Feliciacat · 24/06/2022 01:29

I’m sorry this has happened to you. Anger is the right response as she’s treated you in many bad ways. You deserve better.

One of the big issues here is that there have been lies and probably more lies than you even know about (how can you know if she won’t tell you)? From what you say, I imagine maybe she had a boyfriend the whole time and you were here side piece. That would explain why she never had you to her apartment and you never met her friends and family. I mean, the apartment because of her ex living there is one thing. But why would that mean you couldn’t meet her friends and family?

Maybe on her birthday, she evaluated her prospects and decided to recommit fully to her boyfriend. Birthdays do tend to lead to reflection. One thing I would say is that cheaters are looking for validation; it’s not a poor reflection on you that this happened, it’s all on her. She only thought of herself feeling desirable and didn’t care about anyone outside of that.

I could be wrong but it’s just that your story is reminiscent of a relationship I had where I was the side piece without knowing. So the above is my theory. I’m sorry you’ve gone through this.

I did meet her work friends and her family lived abroad. But I was still never invited to her house.

OP posts:
Feliciacat · 24/06/2022 02:07

Ok, I think I imagined you had said that you hadn’t met people, sorry about that. Still, it wouldn’t surprise me if this ex who slept on a mattress in her one bedroom flat was more than an ex the whole time. Particularly as she started bringing him up just two months in. It sounds like she kind of wanted to break things off then. I guess you loved her too much to just give up. You’re not foolish for that, you were only being loving. I think it sounds like there was a lot going on with her ex for most of your relationship.

Original poster
Jim1987 · 24/06/2022 02:12

Feliciacat · 24/06/2022 02:07

Ok, I think I imagined you had said that you hadn’t met people, sorry about that. Still, it wouldn’t surprise me if this ex who slept on a mattress in her one bedroom flat was more than an ex the whole time. Particularly as she started bringing him up just two months in. It sounds like she kind of wanted to break things off then. I guess you loved her too much to just give up. You’re not foolish for that, you were only being loving. I think it sounds like there was a lot going on with her ex for most of your relationship.

Thank you. Unfortunately I will never know the truth. I just feel so cheated when I was willing to give her everything. Its been nearly 4 weeks now and I feel like I'll never be the same again :(

OP posts:
Feliciacat · 24/06/2022 02:17

Yes of course. You were totally invested and the future you’d dreamed of has been ripped away. That’s awful. I felt the same after my last break up; it wasn’t just him that I’d lost, it was my whole future! You need plenty of time to grieve this major loss. Be kind to yourself.

I know it doesn’t feel like it now but there is a future for you; different to how you thought but it will still be wonderful in its own way. As someone else said, you’re definitely better off without that user. You deserve more. So the pain will all be worth it as you can get on a more appropriate romantic path (where you receive what you give) once you’ve recovered from this break up.

Original poster
Jim1987 · 24/06/2022 02:32

Feliciacat · 24/06/2022 02:17

Yes of course. You were totally invested and the future you’d dreamed of has been ripped away. That’s awful. I felt the same after my last break up; it wasn’t just him that I’d lost, it was my whole future! You need plenty of time to grieve this major loss. Be kind to yourself.

I know it doesn’t feel like it now but there is a future for you; different to how you thought but it will still be wonderful in its own way. As someone else said, you’re definitely better off without that user. You deserve more. So the pain will all be worth it as you can get on a more appropriate romantic path (where you receive what you give) once you’ve recovered from this break up.

Thank you, I know how you feel. I've found over the past four weeks that hate is a much easier emotion to deal with than grief.

Problem is, she was the only girl in almost 15 years that I'd fallen in love with and the only girl I'd ever talked about marriage and children with. Now she knows how she messed up and she's getting a new house that could have been ours together. Her next boyfriend is going to have all the advantages that I didn't get. That's what tears me up inside.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 24/06/2022 03:12

I thought we were going to spend our lives together in her new house

I'm sorry you are going through such heartbreak, but this stuck out for me.
You sound like you are living in a fairy tale.....

Life is so much messier than that.

She's not the one for you. Lying about ex-boyfriends etc. She's not a nice or honest person. Be thankful she showed you her true colours before bringing kids into the mix.

You sound like a good and caring person. I like the saying "Rejection is God's protection". Protect your heart but don't let it shut you down to the right person coming into your life in future.

Shoxfordian · 24/06/2022 06:11

Her next boyfriend is going to be dating a woman who doesn’t have much integrity; she’ll probably cheat on him too

Be happy you hadn’t bought a house together or had any serious financial commitments to each other

oopsfellover · 24/06/2022 06:22

I’m not sure how relevant the birthday aspect is. It sounds as if she’s been messing you around and you’re better off without her. Sorry you’ve been through this.

sammylady37 · 24/06/2022 07:49

She made a really horrific comment about being "stuck in the middle" which was like a bullet through my heart. I couldn't believe how she could do this to me after all we'd had at that point. I was completely distraught

this is what you said about the argument that happened two months in. It strikes me as very intense about a situation that was realistically only at most 8 weeks in… I wouldn’t even consider it a relationship at that point, much less something that would warrant ‘bullet through my heart’ type sentiment. Same as ‘after all we’d had at that point’… what had there been at that point that warranted that? It had been 8 weeks. 8. Weeks. It should have been about fun, laughter and sex at that point, getting to know each other etc. Not major intensity.

that’s what struck me and I think it’s why you’re struggling so much to move past this. Might be worth thinking about how to get less emotionally involved so soon in future.

JamieNorthlife · 24/06/2022 11:07

We stayed together though because she made a real effort to show she wanted me.

We had such great times together on valentines day and even had some professional couples photos together. But over a few days/weeks she just seemed to completely lose interest

I thought we were going to spend our lives together in her new house

Really? Is this for real or a troll?

Maybe she does not want to be someone who "tags" along with her.

Your description looks one-sided. Have you spent time trying to communicate with her instead of "ticking boxes" ?

yellowsmileyface · 24/06/2022 11:34

It all sounds very intense and messy. Relationships aren't supposed to be that difficult, especially less than a year in. To be honest, it sounds like she was never as into the relationship as you were, but just keeping her options open.

It was incredibly cruel and cowardly of her to just block you, but that shows what kind of person she is. As another PP said, if the birthday is of any relevance, it's probably caused her to reflect on things and realise she's stringing you along. She's let you go and that's the kindest thing she's ever done for you (albeit in a cruel way). Maybe she's blocked you because she knew you would try to fight for her, and she wanted the easy way out. Not saying that's justified, but that could be her reason.

I know it's never any solace when a breakup is still fresh but you're definitely better off without her. In the future, I'd suggest taking things slower, and learn to enforce your boundaries. There were so many red flags. It's not your fault for ignoring them, we've all been there, but use this experience to help you spot them earlier on in the future.

altmember · 24/06/2022 12:52

Get an STI test.

PotteringPondering · 24/06/2022 14:40

Was she really keeping her options open, or was it all a scam from day one?

Sorry to sound cynical, but you haven't said much about money. Did you give her money towards the new house?

getupstandupsitdown · 24/06/2022 14:45

Honestly, she's not trustworthy.
You have dodged a whole relationship of future pain.
It's absolutely right that this is finished, however painful that may be.
You need to look after yourself and find a way through it.
There's someone much better for you out there.

Original poster
Jim1987 · 24/06/2022 19:35

sammylady37 · 24/06/2022 07:49

She made a really horrific comment about being "stuck in the middle" which was like a bullet through my heart. I couldn't believe how she could do this to me after all we'd had at that point. I was completely distraught

this is what you said about the argument that happened two months in. It strikes me as very intense about a situation that was realistically only at most 8 weeks in… I wouldn’t even consider it a relationship at that point, much less something that would warrant ‘bullet through my heart’ type sentiment. Same as ‘after all we’d had at that point’… what had there been at that point that warranted that? It had been 8 weeks. 8. Weeks. It should have been about fun, laughter and sex at that point, getting to know each other etc. Not major intensity.

that’s what struck me and I think it’s why you’re struggling so much to move past this. Might be worth thinking about how to get less emotionally involved so soon in future.

As I said, she was the only girl in 15 years i was properly serious about. that's what love does to you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jim1987 · 24/06/2022 19:41

JamieNorthlife · 24/06/2022 11:07

We stayed together though because she made a real effort to show she wanted me.

We had such great times together on valentines day and even had some professional couples photos together. But over a few days/weeks she just seemed to completely lose interest

I thought we were going to spend our lives together in her new house

Really? Is this for real or a troll?

Maybe she does not want to be someone who "tags" along with her.

Your description looks one-sided. Have you spent time trying to communicate with her instead of "ticking boxes" ?

Why a troll?

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 24/06/2022 19:56

Way too intense after only 9 months and more so that she was expressing doubts after only two months.

It seems to be an awful lot of what you thought and what you wanted.

I don’t think you really heard what she was trying to say.

It is unfortunate that you were hurt but I think you went all in when she wasn’t really ready for it.

Peak.

Queuing4Fergs · 24/06/2022 20:01

He proposed.

serenghetti2011 · 24/06/2022 20:07

It’s meant to be fun and light for the first months. You love bombed her, talking about the future, couples photos? Sorry just a bit odd I think it was too much too soon. You need to preserve your love and your feelings early on. Take it slow, get to know someone before you jump in again.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 24/06/2022 20:10

and she's getting a new house that could have been ours together. Her next boyfriend is going to have all the advantages that I didn't get. That's what tears me up inside.

This stood out to me too. It is almost as though you are resentful that your free house and lifestyle has been taken from you. Not the fact that you’ve lost her. It sounds terribly entitled. (Even if this is not what you intended)

I do wonder if this was part of her decision to block you.

JamieNorthlife · 24/06/2022 20:13

@Jim1987, thats all you got from what I wrote?

Have you ever really listened to her?

I actually feel for her. She seems to be the one doing the emotional support. Her ex needs a place to stay and crashes at hers.
OP, was already making plans to live in her new place.

So, basically, SHE needs to learn to say NO to these types of relationships.

Op, you should not be putting so much pressure on her, especially so early on in the relationship. You are responsible for your own happiness, not her.

Have you ever considered going to therapy to help you navigate through emotions and relationships? A lot of people find that it helps them and gives them some perspective on life and relationships.

I do sincerely wish you a future filled with happy experiences.

take care

Original poster
Jim1987 · 24/06/2022 20:31

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 24/06/2022 19:56

Way too intense after only 9 months and more so that she was expressing doubts after only two months.

It seems to be an awful lot of what you thought and what you wanted.

I don’t think you really heard what she was trying to say.

It is unfortunate that you were hurt but I think you went all in when she wasn’t really ready for it.

Peak.

She was ready for it. In fact she was the one who thought I wasn't serious!

OP posts: