Not sure if I can forgive him......

[Akrotiri1]

I have been with my partner for 7 yrs - he is a good man, loyal, faithful and hardworking. We are both in our early 50's.

However he is prone to making bad financial decisions which constantly have an impact on our financial future.

He latest 'mistake' was buying a car that he had always wanted, and in the process part exchanged a decent one for. The car he wanted to buy was an older car but he assured me that he knew what he was looking for in terms of corrosion/mechanical issues, which I did trust at the time as he does a lot of maintenance on our current vehicles and is great at diy etc.

However it has transpired that the vehicle he has bought has major chassis issues, and despite having a clean mot (god knows who did it), on closer inspection by our normal garage, has numerous issues that will cost a lot of money to resolve, in excess of £3000. The garage he did the deal with were obviously on the dodgy side as only offered him a warranty for the engine and gear box, and tbh think they saw him coming......

So in essence he has let go a perfectly good and well maintained vehicle and swapped it for a rust bucket, and lost us several thousand to boot with combined costs of the purchase price and repairs. To make things worse, this is a works vehicle for him, so the repairs have to be done immediately so that he can carry on working.

We only have a modest savings account, which is now severly dented, and with the cost of living crisis money we could ill afford to spend. I am a carer and have just received my cost of living bonus, which I had earmarked to go towards filling our oil tank for winter, but is now going to be swallowed up on car repairs.

This is not the first time he has made poor financial decisions and when we met he was living in rented accomodation, with debts up to his eyeballs. He is self employed and took him up until last year to sort out his finances, and although is insisting he will pay for/pay back the money for the car, no doubt he will go back into debt to do so, which will affect us both short term as we share join finances.

I am so angry with him and tbh has made me feel that I can no longer trust him to make the right decisions on anything, and has made me question our whole relationship.......

Am I over reacting or would others feel the same?

You’re not overreacting at all. It wasn’t a mistake, he’s irresponsible and selfish and repeatedly gets away with acting like an impulsive teen because he knows you’ll bail him out. My resentment at this sort of bs would start to eat away at any respect and I couldn’t be attracted to someone I couldn’t respect.

My ex husband was exactly like this op that's why he's an ex after 20s years. Yanbu. LTB!

That’s such a Lucky coincidence wasn’t it. Him spending all this money, being able to notice faults usually and know how much they’d cost at the exact same time you had money coming in. What a coincidence that is

honestly though op, I’m not sure I have a lot of sympathy, you knew what he was when you got with him, it should be no real surprise he still is and is taking your money so he can have the car he fancies.

Did he discuss it with you before getting the car?

I wonder if you'd be better off keeping all your finances separate to be honest

I wonder why you share finances with a man who's shown you that he's financially irresponsible? It's not as though you're 20 - you are old enough to know better, OP! You've only been with him for seven years and it sounds as though this has been a problem throughout. What's it going to take for you to separate yourself financially from him?

You are his safety net. He knows he can be careless and/or reckless because he's got you to bail him out financially.

Not a mistake. He was selfish and clearly decided he was having the vehicle whatever the consequences as your savings would bail him out. I wouldn't forgive this given he has a history of this sort of behaviour.

You have a choice to either be dragged down with him, or separate completely (split up). If you don't feel you can do the latter I would be separating finances and not loan him any money. At the end of the day he probably behaves like this because he knows you'll help bail him out.

If I were you I’d be doing everything possible to extricate myself from him, at least financially.

I’m bemused that you know he’s “prone to making bad financial decisions which constantly have an impact on our financial future” and yet you still have shared finances. I’d expect that level of naevity from someone in their 20’s maybe, not in their 50’s.

Yes he did discuss it with me and tbh I thought that if the car was what he thought/as described it was worth a look at.

However I did stress to him to think very carefully as the car he part exchanged was probably the best/most reliable he has owned, and it was not wise to let it go unless the other car was faultless and 100% in every way.

When I asked him how he could not have noticed the holes in the chassis (he even had it on a lift to check) he has now admitted that he did, but didn' t realise how bad they were and he thought he could do the welding himself.

As I said I trusted his judgement as normally good with vehicles. If it was a one off I could forgive him but he has done similar in the past.....

Yes I totally agree and hindsight is a wonderful thing!!!

Why on earth are you giving him your money to bail him out of his own stupidity? Are you even married?

To all that are saying separate finances, I totally agree and in the process of removing any savings that I put into the joint savings account, and setting up my own.

The everyday banking is a little more complicated but tbh I do the houshold budgeting anyhow so feel more in control of monthly expenses.

He has his own business account.

Because I stupidly believed that we are in a partnership and these things have to be dealt with together.......

I am so angry with him and tbh has made me feel that I can no longer trust him to make the right decisions on anything, and has made me question our whole relationship

This makes complete sense. Don't doubt yourself. Your instincts are telling you something; listen to them. They are your natural boundaries.

I don't believe that he was banking om my bonus at all - he is not that calculating and not a 'bad' man, just prone to making stupid decisions......

You’re not wrong, but this man is an idiot with money and I suspect he knew full well the car would need repairs but decided he could use your cash to do that.
Have you already given him the money?

I wouldn’t want to get in a car where my DP had welded the chassis

Has he contributed to the joint savings OP? If so, remove your contribution to both the savings and car repairs (if you've given him your bonus already), and explain to him very clearly that his choices have been impacted you and that stops now.
Do what you need to separate your finances. Go to him with a plan you're happy with - don't ask him for one - and implement it asap.
If he goes into debt to fix the car, that's his choice - but his debt payments are to be met by him alone.

This sounds harsh but as PPs have said, neither of you are so young and naive that this was an accident, and he isn't learning anything from his mistakes is he?
You need to financially look after you because he isn't going to.

I'm assuming you plan to stay with him.

Would he agree to you taking care of the finances and you giving him an allowance so he can't foolishly waste more money.
Be strong enough to say no to any of his costly ideas.

If he saw the holes in the chassis and went ahead with the purchase, it was a calculated considered decision, he hasn't been "done over" by the garage and they didn't "see him coming". He saw the chassis issues, minimised them to himself and you so he could pursue what he wanted despite the consenquences, and purchased it anyway. I would seperate your finances without delay, and only stay with him if you want incidents such as this to crop up for the rest of your life. Because they will. There are some people who can't make a good decision to save their life, and it's passed off as just a constant string of "bad luck", absolute nonsense.

Depends what you want from a partner, if pulling this kind of stunt is on the list then you're sorted.

It’s not hindsight though, is it?

He’s done stuff like this repeatedly and even now you’re trying to gloss over it as a “mistake”, “the garage saw him coming” etc.

Someone’s taking someone for a ride here and it’s not the garage!

Untangle your finances from this bloke, being unmarried you don’t have any any legal protections, which is good in a way that you won’t be responsible for his stupid financial choices, leave him to it. Continue to date him if you want, but stay away from finances entirely.

He sounds thick as fuck, repeatedly choosing to cock up and learning nothing. You find that attractive?

I am a carer and have just received my cost of living bonus, which I had earmarked to go towards filling our oil tank for winter, but is now going to be swallowed up on car repairs.

You’d have to be certifiably insane to piss your bonus into fixing your boyfriends shitty car.