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Original poster

Not sure if I can forgive him......

35 replies

Akrotiri1 · 23/06/2022 11:46

I have been with my partner for 7 yrs - he is a good man, loyal, faithful and hardworking. We are both in our early 50's.

However he is prone to making bad financial decisions which constantly have an impact on our financial future.

He latest 'mistake' was buying a car that he had always wanted, and in the process part exchanged a decent one for. The car he wanted to buy was an older car but he assured me that he knew what he was looking for in terms of corrosion/mechanical issues, which I did trust at the time as he does a lot of maintenance on our current vehicles and is great at diy etc.

However it has transpired that the vehicle he has bought has major chassis issues, and despite having a clean mot (god knows who did it), on closer inspection by our normal garage, has numerous issues that will cost a lot of money to resolve, in excess of £3000. The garage he did the deal with were obviously on the dodgy side as only offered him a warranty for the engine and gear box, and tbh think they saw him coming......

So in essence he has let go a perfectly good and well maintained vehicle and swapped it for a rust bucket, and lost us several thousand to boot with combined costs of the purchase price and repairs. To make things worse, this is a works vehicle for him, so the repairs have to be done immediately so that he can carry on working.

We only have a modest savings account, which is now severly dented, and with the cost of living crisis money we could ill afford to spend. I am a carer and have just received my cost of living bonus, which I had earmarked to go towards filling our oil tank for winter, but is now going to be swallowed up on car repairs.

This is not the first time he has made poor financial decisions and when we met he was living in rented accomodation, with debts up to his eyeballs. He is self employed and took him up until last year to sort out his finances, and although is insisting he will pay for/pay back the money for the car, no doubt he will go back into debt to do so, which will affect us both short term as we share join finances.

I am so angry with him and tbh has made me feel that I can no longer trust him to make the right decisions on anything, and has made me question our whole relationship.......

Am I over reacting or would others feel the same?

OP posts:
Original poster
Akrotiri1 · 23/06/2022 14:40

Spohn · 23/06/2022 14:23

I am a carer and have just received my cost of living bonus, which I had earmarked to go towards filling our oil tank for winter, but is now going to be swallowed up on car repairs.

You’d have to be certifiably insane to piss your bonus into fixing your boyfriends shitty car.

He has also put money into the joint savings over time so it is not like he is taking 'my' money as such. It just happens that I am the last one to pay anything in and had plans for that money.

I am not 'certifiably insane', just very angry at his foolishness........

OP posts:
Original poster
Akrotiri1 · 23/06/2022 14:42

Wiglio · 23/06/2022 12:49

I wouldn’t want to get in a car where my DP had welded the chassis

He is a farrier/blacksmith and does welding as part of his job......

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 23/06/2022 16:04

OK, so was the car sold by a garage or private sale. If garage you're covered by trading standards and law, and their piddly little warranty doesn't over ride the legal system so get onto t

baileys6904 · 23/06/2022 16:06

Sorry, get on to trading standards, citizens advice or your local council who should be able to advise

Also unless he's being a nob about it, he made a mistake. I wish I had a quid for everyone I've made. Dependant on the rest of your relationship, if he's a good un, it's just a mistake which will hopefully be fixed. You are either entitled to a refund or a fix

Purplefoxes · 23/06/2022 17:03

I would tell him you are not going to bail him out this time. He either sells the car for same money as he bought it and buys a sensible reliable car, he gets it properly repaired by the garage or pays for it to be repaired out of his salary. If he needs it for work it's his problem to sort as he caused the problem in the first place. He could lease a car instead. If you don't put your foot down now he will keep on taking advantage. If you lay the law down however, how he responds will be very telling..if he guilt trips you, hissy fits or sulks like a small child then you know what to do. If he owns his mistake and sorts it like a grown up then he's still worth keeping. It's all up to him this way to behave like a grown up (or not!). Children need consequences to learn lessons and apparently so does your DH. Whilst there aren't any consequences of his actions because you are there to rescue him, he isn't learning.

Purplefoxes · 23/06/2022 17:06

Purplefoxes · 23/06/2022 17:03

I would tell him you are not going to bail him out this time. He either sells the car for same money as he bought it and buys a sensible reliable car, he gets it properly repaired by the garage or pays for it to be repaired out of his salary. If he needs it for work it's his problem to sort as he caused the problem in the first place. He could lease a car instead. If you don't put your foot down now he will keep on taking advantage. If you lay the law down however, how he responds will be very telling..if he guilt trips you, hissy fits or sulks like a small child then you know what to do. If he owns his mistake and sorts it like a grown up then he's still worth keeping. It's all up to him this way to behave like a grown up (or not!). Children need consequences to learn lessons and apparently so does your DH. Whilst there aren't any consequences of his actions because you are there to rescue him, he isn't learning.

And by the way I've watched this dynamic play out with my own parents and they are still doing it decades later because my mum is spineless.

Spohn · 23/06/2022 17:40

I did not say you were certifiably insane though. Re-read it. I'd personally rather have financial security than this mess, just for the sake of having a boyfriend, but sounds like you're keen to keep him, good luck with that 😄

Catlover1970 · 23/06/2022 22:09

HollowTalk · 23/06/2022 12:23

I wonder why you share finances with a man who's shown you that he's financially irresponsible? It's not as though you're 20 - you are old enough to know better, OP! You've only been with him for seven years and it sounds as though this has been a problem throughout. What's it going to take for you to separate yourself financially from him?

This

Catlover1970 · 23/06/2022 22:11

Akrotiri1 · 23/06/2022 12:37

I don't believe that he was banking om my bonus at all - he is not that calculating and not a 'bad' man, just prone to making stupid decisions......

Show quote history

I think you are both guilty of making stupid decisions to be honest …. You’ve enabled him so you can’t really be angry

KangarooKenny · 24/06/2022 06:41

You’re partly to blame for having joint finances. Get yourself some independence.

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