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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Inlaws have lost interest in our children

36 replies

Clownsareout · 22/06/2022 23:20

My inlaws were always fairly interested in our children (their grandchildren) and looked after them every couple of weeks, but since SIL has had a baby, they are ploughing all of their time and energy into their new grandchild. This is despite SIL being on maternity leave. They are accompanying SIL and the baby single every day to different activities or watching the baby for her so that she can do other things. SIL has always been enmeshed with her parents and it is now causing what looks like, favouritism for her child. They are all together every day. And no doubt when SIL returns to work, they'll be caring for the baby then too.

We thought that perhaps the novelty would wear off but the baby is now 6 months old and they are very rarely interested or available for our children anymore. Our kids have noticed this too which is heart breaking.

It seems that it's common for grandparents to favour their daughter's children over their sons from what I hear, but I don't know how DH hasn't flagged this up with them by now.

And SIL hasn't given our children a second thought when she's asking her parents to have the baby for her all the time so that she can get her nails done, shopping, lunch with friends etc. They have quickly become very neglected by ILs and my own parents live abroad so it's not like they have them close by.

How do we soften this shitty blow for our children?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/06/2022 23:26

Can you be direct? Say pH Marlene, the kids are really missing you. Can I bring them over Saturday? Oh your watching Sally and the baby go bubble painting. What day Is good for you then?

Or better yet

"Granny when can we come down, we haven't seen you in AGES?"

QuandaleDingle · 22/06/2022 23:39

This same thing happened to us when SIL had her first baby

6 years on my kids get ignored more and more every time SIL pops a baby out and she is due dc4 soon so... 🤷‍♀️

People who do this are dicks and can fuck off. It's unbelievably shit to so blatantly favour some grandkids over others. The result is my kids now don't care about them either or ever ask to or want to see them.

Booklover3 · 23/06/2022 00:17

Hmm. We have the same problem except SILs children are older and favoured… just like SIL is favoured herself over DH.

He can never do anything right. Is never supported. It’s awful. He doesn’t want me to say anything so I just grit my teeth.

Its horrible and I hate the effect it has on both DH and my children. He has tried to talk to them. That didn’t go well and it was shrugged off and ignored. The only thing we have left is to reduce contact. They probably won’t like that either. Tough.

Cant win!

Im sorry 💐

QuandaleDingle · 23/06/2022 08:23

Booklover3 · 23/06/2022 00:17

Hmm. We have the same problem except SILs children are older and favoured… just like SIL is favoured herself over DH.

He can never do anything right. Is never supported. It’s awful. He doesn’t want me to say anything so I just grit my teeth.

Its horrible and I hate the effect it has on both DH and my children. He has tried to talk to them. That didn’t go well and it was shrugged off and ignored. The only thing we have left is to reduce contact. They probably won’t like that either. Tough.

Cant win!

Im sorry 💐

Dh is largely ignored by his mum as well 😞 it makes me sad. I don't get it as I'm probably biased but he is a son to be proud of and a lovely person and dad

She never contacts him as she's too busy running round after SIL and her kids. So its always him doing the running. And If he doesn't ring or text her it can be months before she picks the phone up if that.

Shinyandnew1 · 23/06/2022 08:27

I would start inviting them to do specific things-eg Sunday lunch at yours, a day trip to see a local nice place.

See how they react? Do they accept?

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 23/06/2022 08:32

When my sil had her first dc ours was dumped. Literally dumped. I backed away. My dh wasn't surprised but refused to discuss it. After a year I negotiated 1.5 hours twice a week that sil agreed to stay away from ils so my dc could see their dgps. They had no real relationship though.

Xanthovalent · 23/06/2022 10:38

We've had this (our DC are the youngest) - or at least what appeared to be this at first glance.
All the DC are now 18+, so there has been time for a lot of observation/more revealing incidents and I would now say it is more sibling triangulation and power play. It is not nice at all and has done a lot of damage.
I have to keep this short and I keep losing my posts if I take too long! I could write a book. DH did the talks and we definitely did a LOT of inviting them round/taking them out for meals and trips out...nothing changed other than relationships got permanently damaged. No one 'won'.

QuandaleDingle · 23/06/2022 10:44

I'm so sad that this so common

If I'm lucky enough to one day get my own grandkids and honoured enough to be given a part in their life, i will NOT treat them or my dc like this

Some people don't even get to see grandkids due to acrimonious divorces etc yet others can see their grandkids whenever yet completely don't give a shit

Beamur · 23/06/2022 10:44

I think you need to accept it to some degree and just get on with making a nice life for your kids.
I was the lesser favoured GC myself and it stung occasionally, but I did have a nice relationship with my grandparents. But I knew they preferred my cousin's.
It's best not to dwell on it. You can't really change their preferences.

Xanthovalent · 23/06/2022 10:46

As for softening the blow to the DC - I would accept that you and your DH need to make the effort for them to see their grandparents (and don't tell them about any meeting in advance and avoid mentioning them at other times) and let the DC get used to a more superficial relationship.
Grandparents come to their school show/come round for the odd Sunday lunch/join you on a walk etc.

Minimalme · 23/06/2022 10:51

We had this with ILs and tried really hard to keep it going.

SIL emigrated when he eldest was 2 and honestly, it was exactly the same!

We just accepted the situation in the end. I am n/c with my abomination of a mother and keep it friendly with the ILs but probably low contact.

It's actually fine. My kids are happy and we manage fine without family support. I now wonder why we were so bothered about our kids having GPs involvement in the first place!

bro101 · 23/06/2022 10:55

It seems you're upset about the free time they give SIL. Is it the babysitting you're more upset by? Either way it's not fair and your DH should mention it.

Hoppinggreen · 23/06/2022 11:00

Nothing you can do or you will be jealous and unreasonable (been there).
Your kids will work it out soon enough and they will be less bothered about your in laws in return

Puglover287 · 23/06/2022 11:18

How sad for your DC and DH. I live by the mantra that I will go where I’m celebrated, not tolerated, and this is mainly due to issue with my own GP’s (both sides) not being interested, and actually quite cruel to me and my siblings.
Don’t discuss this infront of your DC but fill their lives with love from you, your DH, family friends and other relatives who do celebrate them and make them feel loved and cared for. Although a GP/DC relationship would be lovely, some GPs just don’t care unfortunately.

Original poster
Clownsareout · 23/06/2022 11:21

Inviting them for lunch/on day trips isn't an option as I'm low contact with MIL due to genuine narcissistic personality disorder. SIL even admits she knows she has it but is still enmeshed and "accepts her dysfunctionality" as she calls it. SIL is knee deep in fear, obligation, guilt etc. DH has had therapy for his enmeshment and finds things easier to navigate now but he had definitely been passively aggressively punished for creating distance by MIL.

MIL takes to criticising me at every opportunity so I stear clear. She has however been fine as a grandmother (so far). I guess it may be healthier for my children to have a distanced relationship with her on reflection. No doubt she would have sought her narcissistic supply from them at some point anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clownsareout · 23/06/2022 11:21

Puglover287 · 23/06/2022 11:18

How sad for your DC and DH. I live by the mantra that I will go where I’m celebrated, not tolerated, and this is mainly due to issue with my own GP’s (both sides) not being interested, and actually quite cruel to me and my siblings.
Don’t discuss this infront of your DC but fill their lives with love from you, your DH, family friends and other relatives who do celebrate them and make them feel loved and cared for. Although a GP/DC relationship would be lovely, some GPs just don’t care unfortunately.

What a wonderful mantra 👏

OP posts:
BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ · 23/06/2022 11:22

Same here. But kids aren’t daft and as ours have gotten older they’ve noticed that granny and grandpa favour aunty X’s kids and give them short shrift in return. They’ve got my parents and they know it’s not fair but we let them express that and laugh about it.

UncaDonald · 23/06/2022 11:23

It'd be healthier still for them to have no relationship with people who would drop them like a stone.

averythinline · 23/06/2022 11:27

Why would you inflict someone you are LC with because they are horrible to you on your children?
She is already treating them like 2nd class citizens...why should they be treated like that?

I would not be making any effort at all......and maybe talk to therapist a bit more about why you would want to enable such an unhealthy relationship for your dc..

Millions of children have no gp gor many reasons and have happy lives...focus on your family and friends.....and spending time with nice people

TiddleyWink · 23/06/2022 11:30

How on earth can you be so upset that your children aren’t being smothered in attention from
someone who you say you’re low contact with because of narcissistic personality disorder?! If someone like that was my MiL I’d be doing everything in my power to distance my kids and be thankful she wasn’t pushing to be more involved with them. I’m baffled as to how this is a problem!

Xanthovalent · 23/06/2022 11:41

Given that you've already worked out the problem is much deeper than a bit of favouritism (which is obviously a red flag for it, so not surprised) - you're ahead of the game. Protect your DC - this new lack of interest is a blessing in disguise. it was bound to come eventually (when DC a bit older and more damage could be done).

RandomQuest · 23/06/2022 11:49

Given your update I’d consider it a blessing in disguise.

MzHz · 23/06/2022 11:57

RandomQuest · 23/06/2022 11:49

Given your update I’d consider it a blessing in disguise.

Honestly, this!

it really is best that they have as little contact as possible with mil - please don’t feel bead, be relieved

imagine if she were inserting herself into your family all the time..

noirchatsdeux · 23/06/2022 12:36

Another mantra you might consider adopting is the one that says 'if a person is too toxic for you to deal with, they are also too toxic for your children to deal with'

I've been through this with my maternal grandmother. My mother wanted the best of both worlds - to be extremely low contact with her mother, but for myself and my two brothers to get all the (mainly financial) benefits of a relationship with her....it ended up being cruel, especially when we became teenagers. My older brother in particular had no filter and would happily share information with my grandmother that my mother expected him to know - without being told - was private. Of course it was my brother that got the blame...

Minimalme · 23/06/2022 12:43

Just seen your update - why would you want your dc to have contact with someone who bad mouths you?

Also expecting dh to speak to his parents about it when MiL a narcissist is futile (and a bit cruel to him imo).

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