Inlaws have lost interest in our children

[Clownsareout]

My inlaws were always fairly interested in our children (their grandchildren) and looked after them every couple of weeks, but since SIL has had a baby, they are ploughing all of their time and energy into their new grandchild. This is despite SIL being on maternity leave. They are accompanying SIL and the baby single every day to different activities or watching the baby for her so that she can do other things. SIL has always been enmeshed with her parents and it is now causing what looks like, favouritism for her child. They are all together every day. And no doubt when SIL returns to work, they'll be caring for the baby then too.

We thought that perhaps the novelty would wear off but the baby is now 6 months old and they are very rarely interested or available for our children anymore. Our kids have noticed this too which is heart breaking.

It seems that it's common for grandparents to favour their daughter's children over their sons from what I hear, but I don't know how DH hasn't flagged this up with them by now.

And SIL hasn't given our children a second thought when she's asking her parents to have the baby for her all the time so that she can get her nails done, shopping, lunch with friends etc. They have quickly become very neglected by ILs and my own parents live abroad so it's not like they have them close by.

How do we soften this shitty blow for our children?

You all need to stay away from this narcissistic grandparent. Make no mistake, such people should not be around and indeed if she is too toxic for you to deal with it’s the same deal for your kids too.

She’s already favouring her daughters child and that will continue at the expense of your own kids. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles, his sister is more favoured whilst your H is the scapegoat. As a result all of you as his family get scapegoated. Toxic parents like his mother are toxic as grandparent figures too.

Trust me, there is nothing you can do except take a step back and harden your heart (towards them - invest your love and care in DH, your kids and other people who reciprocate?)

I had/ have this with my own parents. My son was first grandchild and they were thrilled. As soon as my sister (golden child) had her first a year later they immediately lost interest. I made effort for several years but the constant second-class status of my children became too painful. There was no attempt to be even slightly subtle. I cut back on visits and contact for my own mental health, intending it as a temporary measure but they seemed to neither notice nor care.

Once I was in their home town and bumped into an acquaintance. She said "oh I had no idea you had kids too, your mum only ever mentions your sister's kids". Ouch.

I'm presuming my sister will deal with any old age care that my parents need. Although I suspect golden girl will insist it's too much of a burden for her, poor lamb!

I wouldn't just say this is very common, it's practically almost the norm when there are girl/boy siblings. Mostly daughter's kids will eb favoured. I think it's a primal instinct or something else weird like that, as it's the maternal line.

Less so when you only have boys or only have girls. The thing is though, OP... it's not down to them to fill the gap left by your own parents too.

Is SIL a single mum?

We had the same, our DC were old enough to notice, stopped asking to see them and rarely go to visit with dh when he goes

If your SIL is very close to her parents (whether that is in a healthy way or not) and you are low contact it is inevitable that she will see more of SIL's child.

More generally I think it does happen alot but it often happens that the paternal grandparents aren't as welcome with new babies and so a pattern can start.

I have 3 "families" of grandchildren and the maternal grandmothers were much more included from the start and if I'm honest I was the same with my mother being very involved and my MIL being welcome but more of a guest whereas my mum was much more included.

She has however been fine as a grandmother (so far).

clearly not, and hardly surprising if she's a narcissist. Leave your poor SIL and her baby to the narcissist and protect your kids

But your kids have had years and years of their time and attention. Sil is on ML so the baby must be young, why begrudge them that time and attention for a new gc. You do sound a bit of an issue yourself if you want someone who you are LC with to be around your kids.

My mil is a narcissist and the same thing happened to us although my son was about 7 when he noticed that his grandparents weren't as involved.
He actually asked me if he'd done something wrong!
I'm now NC with them for various reasons and my children are now 18 and 16 and completely over it.

Another one with PILs who are only bothered about spending time with SIL dc. They're older than ours though.

It isn't great but it is what it is 🤷‍♀️. I'll never make them spend time with PILs when they're older though and have no interest in seeing gran and grandad. They've made their bed...🤷‍♀️

No idea why you would want these people in your childrens lives
Is it childcare you are missing