Ex boyfriend doesn't get the message... LEAVE ME ALONE! How do I tell him?

[sweetpie]

An ex boyfriend (who I dated simultaneously) to DH (DH didn't know and doesn't know) but before we got married.... and who I have not seen in 7 years and DO NOT WISH to see or be in contact with keeps sporadically contacting me.
I have told him 7 years ago I wanted to cease all contact. He proceeded to call me when I was expecting my first child) - which I had not informed him of (we have common friends and they would probably have told him). This lead to a very ackward conversation, DH was listening in so I couldn't really tell him to go away.... but I remained very cold.
He continued calling me about once a year but I think I hadn't heard back from him until today, the last two times he rang I hung up without saying a word and told DH there was no one on the other end..... now he seems to have found my new e-mail address and seen/heard about some changes in my life.
I don't know whether I should ignore the e-mail or respond and if I respond what do I say... tempted to say fxxx oxx....

Help????

Sweetpie,
This is a horrible "emotional threat" to you and your relationship with DH. I feel you may find it better to deal with if you confide in your DH. Perhaps not tell him the full timetable of relationships (although if yours is strong enough honesty is the best policy)but let him know that an old ex is bothering you and that you intend to respond by telling him in no uncertain terms you want nothing more whatsoever to do with him. That way you have no fear of your dh finding out (not that there's anything wrong to find out)
Having something of a similar problem in our lives. Long story short DH had an affair last year- been through all the hurt and healing and still together, getting stronger, BUT SHE won't quite move on, keeps contacting him. Changed all home . phone, work details but she found out hisnew work place again and is trying to get him to respond. He won't and tells me all but now we feel we have a "bunny boiler" in our lives. He came to his senses along time ago and realised no contact whatsoever was the only way for us to heal she unfortunately has not yet. However we are united in dealing eith this threat to our relationship together now so despite the anger it provokes the fact that there are no secrets is so supportive and takes the threat away. I hope you can find a way to remove the threat over you . Good luck.

Hi sweetpie,
Are you worried about DH knowing he is contacting you? Or is it just incase dh finds out you were seeing them both at the same time? Cant you just tell him to go away , or are you worried he may spill the beans if you do? My advise would be to tell dh the truth and then there is nothing ex boyf can do to damage your life. Then you really can tell him to fxxx oxx.

I would ignore him. Even obscenities = attention and that's what feeds cranks. Is your main concern that your dh would find out about the simultaneous bit of your relationships?

Tell him bluntly that if he won't leave you alone, you'll inform the police and get an injunction against him and have him charged with stalking.

I agree that you need to tell your DH about this as this ex has a hold over you because of the secrecy.

DH knows the man, he never really liked him... he knew this man was quite a good friend of mine but my relationship was IMO deceitful and I am very much ashamed of it. Also I didn't cut off the ties when I got married, I did less than a year later but still I am not completely faultless (far from it)... I had a very hard time breaking it off for many reasons, I had to move to do it... I never had any doubt DH was the right guy for me. So I guess I feel guilty for lying, I am sure DH would actually be OK with this but I feel it is my cross to bear and also I dont DH to feel upset by something I have done or feel he can't trust me as I would NEVER do this again...
This guy knows DH doesn't know any of this, he was marrried (and still is from his e-mail)... I am not worried he would tell DH but maybe I am naive. I think this guy really liked me and he is hoping to remain friends.... he was never a jurk but he seems unwilling to accept that I do not wish to have anymore contact. In 7 years I have not inititated one single contact and have done my best to not even respond until I was given the phone by DH and had to speak to him (that was 5 years ago). I don't think he is a crank either or that police would help...

Bluntly....
Good luck.

Sorry I had to quickly leave the computer, DH had walked in... The police is not a viable solution in this case but in other circumstances I would use that !

I am now thinking maybe I should write a nice e-mail saying to please leave me alone, my family has moved on and I do not wish to hear from him, have any contact or be reminded of a past which I believe is better left alone.

What do you think?

Bundle - meant to say... yes it is my fear and up to now (for 7 years) I have ignored him - only had 1 conversation that I was forced into as DH was in the room.
He does seem to keep in touch... I keep telling myself that he may have missed my original e-mail saying that I wanted him to stop contacting me... but then again he has had NO positive response from me in 5 years (like hanging up the phone to his face. sounds pretty clear to me) and yet he continues... am I being naive???

sweetpie, was a full-on thing with both of them at the same time, or could you successfully shrug it off as a couple of dates with one overlapping with the other?

sweetpie, change your telephone number and you email and tell him to f* off, hopefully then he'll get the message

to full-on to be a couple of date - I feel terribly guilty to be honest and though a few weeks back that it seemed that it was all finally in the past!

I can't change my tel number as I work from home

gosh, that's tricky. do you feel you could come clean with dh, you sound like a completely different person from when you were, ahem, seeing them both.

I consider that relationship like an affair even if technically it wasn't at the beginning (I wasn't married)... but it was.... I thought you should never admit to affairs.

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agreed, but what would be worse: admitting it and facing the music or someone else threatening to tell him, and possibly going through with it?

He isn't in this country.... if he was I think he'd be gobsmacked....

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Thank you for making me smile wigandrobe : the best man won.

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sweetpie, I realise that my message yesterday seems a little trite. Sorry. I didn't have time to write a proper reply and fear I should have left none as what I did write was not helpful.

I am sorry you are feeling torn apart by this situation and agree with others that you need to take action, tell him that you will involve the police if he doesn't leave you alone (and be prepared to carry it through), tell dh (your marraige is worth more than this) and also as WigandRobe has said change email address and contact BT.

Don't allow this man to ruin what you've built so hard to have. Personally, imo, I wouldn't want to hear the truth about my dh early days with me if he'd been seeing someone else but more of an issue would be lies and deception now... and he will probably find out, in fact I'd guess he already has an idea something is wrong.

Good luck & best wishes, Winnie

Winnie- thank you, as you can well imagine I have had a hard time thinking of anything else
I am of two minds about telling DH as I really feel I was quite deceitful (I know it's 10 years ago), I am not sure I should even tell him how much so (I mean I am NOT proud of myself)... I have learned a hard lesson and if anything I know I won't go down that road again!!! If I tell DH I might not want to be totally honest about how bad it was.... so I feel that I might as well keep my mouth shut!
On the other hand, I also wonder if DH doesn't realise something is going on here. He is the only person I really do not want to be in touch since I moved 7 years ago... and this man was a very good friend to me as DH believed.... so why would I suddenly not want any contact... but then again I think common of friends of ours - unaware of this - are keeping him informed of my life and fuelling this. Also I am sure DH saw that he had e-mailed me last night yet DH said nothing.... I said nothing either.
I can't change my number or e-mail, I run a business from home and 95% of calls and e-mails are business related (I have loads of adverts everywhere)....
I can't get the police involved as he doesn't live in this country... the good news is that he wouldn't (I hope) drop by un-announced.... ggggrrrr..... this is really annnoying me.
I was thinking that I might attempt one last blunt (not rude) e-mail as ignoring him in the past hasn't delivered....

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He is not British though... he has never lived in this country. And knowing him, I am not sure he'd believe me (he probably thinks I am angry but would not go this far).... but that's another issue.

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I lived abroad years ago