How to know if it is me?

[Chocolatefudgecakeyes]

I really can’t work out if it is me or DH that is the problem.

everybody outside of our relationship loves him, says he is a great, nice guy etc, so surely it must be me?

anybody else been in this situation?

Why do you think they’re wrong?

What are you seeing that they aren’t?

personality wise he is a nice guy, to live with, it takes him so long to get out of bed in the morning, does nothing round the house and pleases his self with hobbies, nights out etc. he says I show him no affection, I don’t like him to do it, I am tired of picking up after him but he doesn’t see where I am coming from!

Why would you be affectionate towards a lazy slob who does nothing around the home, expects you to clear up after him, and thinks only of himself?

Remind him of the old adage: 'Happy wife, happy life'.

He can be both a generally nice guy, and also lazy at home. The two aren’t particularly mutually exclusive.

Is there more to this? What is it that “must be you”?

The other people don't see this side of him because they don't live with him day to day and don't have to deal with it.

You're probably not seeing that side to their husbands either!

He doesn't sound that nice. Sounds like a lazy inconsiderate slob 🤷‍♂️

But you're the only one he lives with. I'm sure he's a great laugh and fun on a night out. Doesn't mean he's kind or a good man to live with.

What good qualities does he have?

I because if I am quite out there and vocal I guess to others it would appear that I am the problem as he is just so nice?

He is a great laugh, mind etc, a gent, however at home he is so so lazy!

Those other people don't have to live with him! He can be lazy and selfish but a fun person.

Also, does it matter if it's you or him? Some couples don't work well together even if both of them are lovely people separately. If you're not happy, don't be in a relationship with him.

Doesn't matter really does it, it's what you are willing to put up with, you're the one that lives with him.

Why do you need to assign blame?

Would you stay with somebody that had an amazing personality and that’s it?

Not if I no longer fancied them or if certain behaviours irritated me and we couldn’t talk about it / resolve it.

So would it mean more to you that he helped you out with the kids, housework etc?

It doesn't really matter what would 'mean more' in a relationship to others though OP.

All that matters is what's important to you.

My partner makes me laugh every day. Properly laugh. For me, that's one of the most important parts of a relationship.

Other people might be able to go without that for something they value more highly. If he earned less but still made me laugh like this I wouldn't consider leaving him. For others, financial security would be more important.

For some, a great sex life would be more important than someone doing their equal share of parenting / household chores etc. For others the reverse would be true.

We are all individuals.

All that matters in anyone's relationship is whether they are happy.

So. Are you happy?

From what you've written it doesn't sound like he has an amazing personality. It sounds like he's possibly a bit charming on the surface, but selfish, lazy, sexist and thoughtless? If he's not making your life happier, don't stay with him. Doesn't matter whose fault it is.

It’s not about assigning blame FFS. The OP is asking for help in thinking through her situation.

Why so rude?

OP is trying to work out 'if it's her or him' who has the problem, rather than seeking a solution, and I was asking this question to try to find out why that is.

It's a perfectly valid route to help OP 'think through her situation'.

I know plenty of people who are amazing, lovely, kind, great personality etc who I would never in a hundred years live with.

I have found it very common that some of the most charismatic and popular people I have known are also incredibly selfish and self absorbed but their minions overlook that because they are "fun" and "amazing" and enjoy basking in the reflected glory. It's easier to overlook this stuff if you don't live with the person and it doesn't directly impact you.

My husband's best friend is like this. When you see him out socially he kind of "holds court" with his companions hanging on every word and laughing uproariously. But he's out for what he can get from everyone and has no conscience about it. People just choose not to notice that I think.

I think that is it. He is the most lovely guy, just a bloody pain to love with. If we broke up I reckon his family etc would turn against me as I am much more opinionated and honest, he appears innocent and kind.

Is he that lovely though, if he's so messy and he knows it bothers you and he just carries on?

That's disrespectful. Not a gent at all.

Why would you expect people he doesn't live with to be pissed off with how messy he is at home? They don't see the side of him that you see.

I think it’s because people think he is a nicer person than me and will feel sorry for him probably, that will make me question everything:

Why does what other people think matter so much to you? So much that you'd question yourself, even?

because he tells me I am unreasonable and I am trying to work out if I am expecting too. I have from him?