Page 2 | How to know if it is me?

Chocolatefudgecakeyes · 2022-06-22T15:49:00+00:00

I really can’t work out if it is me or DH that is the problem. everybody outside of our relationship loves him, says he is a great, nice guy etc, so surely it must be me? anybody else been in this situation?

Watchkeys · 23/06/2022 10:41

Well, who sets the rules about how much you should expect from him?

ClarissaD · 23/06/2022 10:49

I think you're approaching this the wrong way- it's not that they're right or wrong or you are. What counts in your relationship is how you feel- if he's not the right guy for you, what other people think is irrelevant.

I think also that traits that make someone a fun person to hang out with occasionally can make them an absolutely awful partner. I once had a boyfriend whom everyone loved, always up for a party, the one guy you could guarantee would still be up and raving at 7am next morning, give you the shirt off his back (sometimes literally). As a boyfriend, an absolute bloody nightmare.

sleepymum50 · 23/06/2022 11:00

I am in your exact situation. My husband is a charming, fun extrovert. He has been very successful in life and has a wide social circle.

But he can also be a bully. He can be lazy, very untidy, opinionated and very very entitled.

We are separating, because I have had enough. One of our ex neighbours, and someone who he is good friends with, said to him when he told her about the separation. “Sleepy is vulnerable, don’t take the piss”

We had a coffee yesterday and I asked her about that. She basically said that though she likes him a lot (purely platonic) she can see he would be a nightmare to be married to. We briefly discussed whether she is the only one of the neighbours/ friends to see thru him. We just didn’t know.

But maybe sometimes people see more than you think. Though I would suspect more women to see it than men.

MulberryBush700 · 23/06/2022 12:05

Chocolatefudgecakeyes · 22/06/2022 20:24

So would it mean more to you that he helped you out with the kids, housework etc?

Well, that's just partnership, isn't it? For me it would only work if we were a team on all fronts, so it depends on what you want to get out of your marriage?

I mean it's great he has a good personality, but life isn't just fun and games unfortunately, you do actually have responsibilities and dependants and when one isn't pulling their weight (be it around the house, with the kids etc (things that are pretty much within one's control), then life suddenly becomes pretty hard for the other person in the marriage and that's not fair.

That's my take on it anyway.

GreatCrash · 23/06/2022 12:20

Chocolatefudgecakeyes · 22/06/2022 20:24

So would it mean more to you that he helped you out with the kids, housework etc?

Yes, personally I'd prefer to be with someone who was treats me well than someone very fun and charismatic. My DH is quite introverted and will never be the life and soul of the party, but he is kind and trustworthy and a good dad.

easterflowerss · 23/06/2022 12:26

The thing is, OP, does it really matter? If either of you are not happy or not fulfilled or not content, does there need to be blame or fault?

You might just not be compatible - there doesn't need to be a "bad guy" or blame.

Summerwetordry · 23/06/2022 12:39

I left a physically and mentally abusive husband. Nobody could understand why I had left such a lovely man. Only one of our many friends supported me because she had noticed the bruises.

No one knows what a marriage is really like. Don't stay because of others' opinions.

GreatCrash · 23/06/2022 12:55

Chocolatefudgecakeyes · 23/06/2022 10:40

because he tells me I am unreasonable and I am trying to work out if I am expecting too. I have from him?

Why does he think you're unreasonable? Does he believe that he does as much as you (housework and childcare)? Or does he know you do more but think that's ok? Doesn't he agree that you deserve hobbies and relaxation time too?

bigbluebus · 23/06/2022 13:07

My 'DH' is also thought to be wonderful by everyone around him. He's won awards for the business he manages as well as a personal award. Does loads for the community - isn't he wonderful! Except nobody realises that the only reason he can do all this 'good work' is because I pick up everything else at home so he barely has to lift a finger. When I try to raise this with him he just nods and carries on!
I am spending today doing another load of prep for something he's 'arranged' this evening and when I questioned what was happening about the 'catering' he basically said we could all have a bag of crisps! So everyone goes to the event straight from work until 10pm and just has crisps for tea (including me!). He just knows that won't happen - but I'm getting very close to letting it!

wellhelloitsme · 23/06/2022 13:23

bigbluebus · 23/06/2022 13:07

My 'DH' is also thought to be wonderful by everyone around him. He's won awards for the business he manages as well as a personal award. Does loads for the community - isn't he wonderful! Except nobody realises that the only reason he can do all this 'good work' is because I pick up everything else at home so he barely has to lift a finger. When I try to raise this with him he just nods and carries on!
I am spending today doing another load of prep for something he's 'arranged' this evening and when I questioned what was happening about the 'catering' he basically said we could all have a bag of crisps! So everyone goes to the event straight from work until 10pm and just has crisps for tea (including me!). He just knows that won't happen - but I'm getting very close to letting it!

How can you bear to be with such a selfish man who thinks so little of you?!