Anyone dated an over thinker?

[Cmit08]

I don’t claim to know much about this & don’t want to come across as being non understanding..however I’m struggling with some of the responses a guy I was seeing (not sure what’s happening currently)
is coming back with.

examples:
if I say anything along the lines of ‘I think you maybe …’ his response will be ‘don’t tell me how I think’ (not always the case)

he seems to dramatise simple situations..yet when I say something he doesn’t like he says I’m ‘catastrophising’ or being ‘dramatic’ (he does this when he feels I’m pulling away I’ve noticed)

seems to have a thing where he worries the slightest thing will upset people..he’s obviously thinking ahead here because the end result is not something I’d give a 2nd thought to nor how it goes?!

is it me?! We get on so well but when it comes to clashing over small things I’m lost!

Does he care what you think though? Or just what other people think?

This guy sounds unbearable and really controlling. Very hard work is the charitable description. Controlling arsehole in the making the more realistic assessment.

Yes good post fallen

Yeah, agree with other posters. I knew that the "over thinker" label was going to be his own definition of himself. He's not an over thinker. Someone like that over analyses and goes over everything from every angle. This guy just wants you to agree with everything he says and comes up with nonsensical statements to throw you off.

I couldn't say whether he's controlling etc. but he's clearly not for you.

I have overthinker tendencies. It used to paralyse me a lot more than it does now and I have had control issues where i can see how difficult my questioning down to the minutiae has made for difficult relationships. The best thing for me was the self-reflection after the end of a friendship. I saw it and am trying to let it go.

The "worries the slightest thing will upset people" part is very much like my brother and I feel exhausted when I imagine what it's like to be him. He's very sensitive and cares a lot about people but his lack of boundaries for himself is worrying.

OP, you are correct that you shouldn't be falling out over the little stuff. If it's difficult now to resolve small stuff, imagine down the line when these patterns are established 😱

You keep saying he worries overly about hurting or offending other people yet he's showing no signs of worrying about your feelings is he?

when I say something he doesn’t like he says I’m ‘catastrophising’ or being ‘dramatic’ (he does this when he feels I’m pulling away I’ve noticed)

He is dismissive of your feelings. Quite the opposite of worrying about them.

He sounds exhausting. And selfish. Self-centred. Hard work. Gas lighting.

Thanks all. @layladomino You’re right, he isn’t interested in my feelings..which is why it’s confusing I guess in ways..because he only seems interested in knowing I’ve got feelings?! @Triffid1 seems so..he used a word last night I’ve never even heard of and I’m pretty clued up!!
Example I found..

chatting and I send an image (us related)
Him: smiley face..sigh..sigh..
me: yep
Him: i can’t imagine you getting emotional..I can only imagine..
me: haha..You don’t know me very well then do you..
him:knew you’d take it wrong
me: got upset at x and x
him:I didn’t see that..like I said it’s hard for me to know you have emotion if I haven’t seen it

whats that about?! Does he literally need to physically see me cry to know I have emotions?!

He needs to make you feel bad / on edge so that he is in control.

OP this is only the beginning. Run don't walk.

Ps: prepare for either love bombing or hatefulness if you pull back.

I honestly don't know why you're even bothering. Even if you "get on well" doesn't it make your heart sink and give you an internal eye roll when he comes out with such weird crap? Kind of takes the shine off the good stuff doesn't it?

He’s dressing this bullshit up to be acceptable by saying that he’s an ‘overthinker’, ie, he’s allowed to say anything he wants and be right because he’s a complex being of superior intellect.

No, he’s a tedious twat, who likes to be right and low key puts you down by suggesting he is a deeper thinker than you are. You sit there totally confused about what has even gone on as I imagine he word salads you to death with some inane flowery way of telling you he is right and how very dare you question how his mental processes work when obviously he knows best. End of.

Dump and run. Seriously. A life with him would be torture.

It really would be torture OP. Men like this rarely change because they don't feel any need to. They're special you see. So special. 🙄😂

Thanks all. Yes you’re right. He just seems to have become pretty ‘difficult’
I don’t know why they even waste their time knowing the other person won’t buy into it! Argumentative maybe?!

Come on OP, you know in your heart this isn’t right. And it’s absolutely NOT ‘overthinking’.

I class myself as an overthinker. As an example of how this manifests someone I’ve not known long wanted to send me a birthday present that they’d made for me this week and I’ve spent far too long worrying about ‘what if I don’t like it?’, ‘is it weird that he’s doing this nice thing when I don’t know him well?’ etc. It’s just thinking too much about things when there’s no real need.

By contrast, that conversation you posted is pure headfuckery. He seems to be goading you almost into becoming emotionally entangled with him and making yourself more and more vulnerable in the name of proving to him that you are emotional, that you satisfy his needs. It reads as toxic in the extreme and honestly he sounds horrendous!

I can’t get my head around this without concrete examples. Even the text conversation depends on what the image you sent was. Can you think of an example and change the specifics so it’s not identifiable?
My only thought would be that he’s like my DH, who as soon as there is any ‘conflict’ he just loses the ability to debate and loses his logical thinking. Starts making stuff up, then denies that he did, it’s a mess. Can’t ‘argue’ at all.

Apart from that, it just sounds awful, but I can’t work out why.

You’re not going to be compatible with everyone and it’s perfectly ok to move away from a relationship if there’s something not working for you.

No one needs to be absolutely right or wrong here. In fact it’s not helpful to think about him being wrong if you’re a bit soft hearted as you might want to rescue him from the scrap heap. Just set him free to find someone who will appreciate the things that irritate you.

My dh and I are not a good match on paper. But we click in a fundamental way, and the small stuff doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t. But I’ve been in other relationships that had a lot going for them, but the small things irritated me. I’m so glad I was selfish enough to walk away because until you experience a really good relationship, you just don’t know what it feels like.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs thanks..I have felt goaded..partly why we finished. But it’s important to me I understand why / what this this is for the future.
@SheWoreYellow another example. The reason we split. Unless I’m available he sees me as not putting my 100% into him. This is purely unreasonable & impractical at times. He will have analysed the ‘situation’ and tell me that all included would have ‘accepted’ ‘understood’ why I should have put him first.
He was in a ltr before this..I don’t know how she put up with this for so long?!