Anyone dated an over thinker?

[Cmit08]

I don’t claim to know much about this & don’t want to come across as being non understanding..however I’m struggling with some of the responses a guy I was seeing (not sure what’s happening currently)
is coming back with.

examples:
if I say anything along the lines of ‘I think you maybe …’ his response will be ‘don’t tell me how I think’ (not always the case)

he seems to dramatise simple situations..yet when I say something he doesn’t like he says I’m ‘catastrophising’ or being ‘dramatic’ (he does this when he feels I’m pulling away I’ve noticed)

seems to have a thing where he worries the slightest thing will upset people..he’s obviously thinking ahead here because the end result is not something I’d give a 2nd thought to nor how it goes?!

is it me?! We get on so well but when it comes to clashing over small things I’m lost!

Sounds draining (with gaslighting thrown in). I was married to someone like this. It didn’t get better. He will be a nightmare to deal with with bigger issues.

‘I think you maybe‘
Isn’t the simple solution to reword it as ‘do you think’?

Can’t help with the other examples. Sounds draining.

Yeah, don't go there. Absolute bloody nightmare and it won't get better.

What do you get out of this?. You should not at all act as some sort of rehab center to such a man nor should you try to rescue and or save him.

Do you really get on well or is that you really trying to put a gloss on things?.

Being with him will only bring you misery and emotional pain. This will never be a happy and or emotionally healthy relationship.

To put into context maybe an example:

We would be having a simple conversation and he’d question a part of it. I’d be confused because I wouldn’t understand what he was confused over. I’d say this and he’d get frustrated. I can see now from this happening more (& him telling me he’s an over thinker) that he wants an ‘end goal’ in the way HE sees it or it isn’t good enough?

I wondered if it was how I was ‘wording’ things and me?

@AttilaTheMeerkat this is why I’m posting. We have had some really lovely times together. I do kiss him and what we did. We had settled into that comfortable point where he’d met my friends and family etc..He’s very attentive, loving, if anything TOO much. I joked to my friends every woman’s dream..but In turn comes, i think him wanting things his way and that’s thrown me. I had an awful last relationship and doubt myself at times hence me checking.

is it me??!

Yes. You don't like the way he thinks. Respect your feelings, and back away from anyone who makes you feel lost in any sense.

It being 'you' doesn't mean you should discount it. It means you should respect it.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous poor treatment, are being further got at by this man now. He is too intense and that is a red flag in itself.

please look at the Freedom Programme which can be done in person and online.

the only opinion this man’s respects is his own. He is testing you here to see how much you will tolerate. You really do need to walk away before you get ever more over invested and or hurt.

@Watchkeys that’s my point in posting..I don’t have an issue with ‘us’ ‘the way he thinks’ he’s allowed to think/say whatever he likes. My issue is the way he picks apart what feel like simple conversations and they become confusing and out of hand

@AttilaTheMeerkat agreed in ways. But due to my last relationship I’m aware of red flags when I see them.
I guess I’m trying to define if he’s controlling..I’m difficult?..I told him we had a clash of personalities and he didn’t like that response. As I said sad about it because I genuinely saw it working out.

He doesn't have to be controlling. You don't have to be difficult. You're two different people who do things in different ways. You think differently. You are both right to do things as you do them, and to think the way you do.

A red flag doesn't have to be a behaviour. It can be identified by how it makes you feel. So I couldn't date someone who kept rats, that would be an immediate red flag for me. But it doesn't mean that people who keep rats are red flag wavers.

You and this guy clash. That's ok. Most people aren't compatible with most people. You say you get on but have these clashes... a relationship can't be judged on its good times. Apparently Hitler was a great bloke to have coffee and cake with... good conversationalist, great sense of humour, intelligent, witty... but you have to look at what happens when things go wrong. That's where compatibility really shows. Do you deal with falling out in the same way? Do you struggle to get back on an even keel, do you struggle to feel that things are resolved?

I saw a post on here the other day about success in life being not about how often you fall down, but about how well you bounce, and I think the same can be said of relationships. If you're sweating the small stuff, move on.

@Watchkeys totally agree..and I think the main part is we do clash which makes me sad..but like you say not everyone gets on.
Thanks

Yes, it's sad. I had a series of relationships with people who were all partly what I was looking for. It's hard to let go of the bits that work, but if there are bits that don't work, it's got to be done. Sorry

Excellent advice from @Watchkeys . Small stuff should be easy to handle at this stage, but if it’s suffocating you, that’s not a good sign. I tolerated some much of this from my ex because, on the surface, he was a nice man. He was a controlling cunt. Took me years to see it (and his response is I’m back-projecting). We dealt with major trauma very differently - his response to my grief was that everyone suffers grief (I’d argue that the loss of a child is pretty major). Anyway, every tiny thing became a massive challenge. It killed me. I don’t know what normal and decent behaviour even looks like in a man. Don’t settle for shitty behaviour because he displays other nice traits - work out what is important and non-negotiable for you. It will save a lot of heartache down the line when bigger problems emerge.

@Shitscared123 agreed.

I said to him we shouldn’t be falling out about minor stuff already which means we have a clash of personality’s..his reply was that we didn’t and it was a ‘Cliche statement’
Basically he had an answer for most things HE disagreed on.

“when I say something he doesn’t like he says I’m ‘catastrophising’ or being ‘dramatic’ ”

Ah, so he’s turning it round on you to deflect the attention then? Given his previous statement of “don’t tell me what I’m thinking” I’d be inclined to respond to this ^ with “don’t tell me how I’m feeling”.

Or I’d just call it a day and find someone who I don’t have petty clashes with (him being petty, not you).

“I guess I’m trying to define if he’s controlling..I’m difficult?..I told him we had a clash of personalities”

Clashing over small things adds up over time and is an insight into how you’d both resolve bigger issues. So in short, you’re not compatible. It’s not about how he thinks, it’s about how he (his conflict resolution skills) makes you feel.
It makes you feel shit and confused.

“I said to him we shouldn’t be falling out about minor stuff already which means we have a clash of personality’s..his reply was that we didn’t and it was a ‘Cliche statement’”

Right there ^ He’s absolutely not bothered about your feelings, your opinion, only his own. He’s not listening to you, just hearing your words and thinking of some smart-alec response to put you down and shut you down.

Do you think you should change to make him a better person to date?

What you've described is not what I'd describe as an over-thinker. He sounds hard work.
I think a lot. I may be an over thinker. It's the way I choose to spend my time, processing stuff - (years ago when ds1 was younger because he was a tricky child) considering what was wrong, why it bothered me, what time try next. What you are describing is not this.

What you've described is not what I'd describe as an over-thinker. He sounds hard work

Yeah, I think the same. Over thinkers are more likely to consider everybody else's opinion and viewpoint seriously. He just sounds like he shuts you down if you don't agree with him.

Christ. Walk away, he sounds insufferable OP. Don’t overthink his bullshit.

Agree he does not sound like an overthinker and I expected your description of him to read differently.
I would describe my newish partner as an overthinker and keep telling to enjoy the moment rather than planning ahead and over analyzing our relationship.
He also asks lots of questions as I am telling him something which in a way is a nice thing as it shows he is really listening to me...At first I thought it was a language thing as he is Italian, although his spoken english is great. Now I am beginning to suspect that is just the way he is.

Thanks for the reply’s. He’s def an over thinker, he’s told me so and I have scenarios to prove as much.
I don’t want to out myself so am not gong to put actual examples but he does care a lot (too much imo) about how people may perceive situations (in depth)..
He would also question throughout a conversation and check each part and what the end goal would be.
He said he needed to ‘know’ that I would be able to stand by what I had said about what i wanted for a future..like guarantee him?!

Gosh he sounds utterly exhausting! Where did you find this particular prince? And what’s his relationship history? I’m guessing previous loves have left him because he’s such a head fuck, or they started spontaneously bleeding from their ears and then got freaked out? In any case I’d want to run away screaming.

he does care a lot (too much imo)

Incompatibility, right there.

I’m an “overthinker” and the clue is in the name. I may work things through in my head (A LOT) but I wouldn’t verbalise any of it unless it came up or was so upsetting that I needed reassurance.

I’m in a relationship now where I feel happy, secure, trusted, loved, valued and have done since the start.

No overthinking at all.

what you’re describing sounds like controlling and entitled behaviour. Walk away. “Poor me” is a narcissistic control technique - don’t fall for his bs.

Thanks for the replies.

@Fallenstardust thanks, it’s helpful to see it from an over thinkers view!
clearly the things that caused our fallout upset him. I gather from the last falling out where he couldn’t see me he’d probably made plans in his head and I’d ruined all that by not being able to see him.