Its a friendship one

[friendtrouble]

Background -
Both early 30s, both single, both live alone. Friends for 10 years.

I am currently finding it really difficult to move past a change in mine and my best friends friendship. If that is what we can even call it any more, can we even call it a 'friendship' let alone best friends. It seems to have just changed over night and I don't know why.

We have always been in touch about once a week, she has a lot more friends than I do and is very extroverted, so although i'd say it was balanced in terms of who would reach out first, I tended to let her come to me as she was always very busy. She would call me when she could and we'd catch up. She was always in relationships until about a year ago, whilst I was single but we were still always very close friends.

In the past few months, there has a been a sudden and massive change in this. Looking back on my phone, she would call me weekly, if not every few days, but she has since called just once in 3 months. She also very rarely texts, and if she does and I respond, she may reply back a few times but then the conversation comes to an abrupt end.

I have more than once, asked her 'where have you been?' and even 'i'm sad we're distant now' which she responded to right away and said she was just busy and that we weren't distant! But she hasn't tried to rectify it, things just continued as they are now which is making me feel down. She isn't the sort of person to hold grudges with any one and I don't think i've done anything wrong. It just feels like she just doesn't give me a thought anymore.

Meanwhile i'm seeing her out and about from facebook so I know shes fine and seeing other people, but shes no longer reaching out or wanting to meet and its very strange after weekly contact for 10 years that she suddenly no longer wants to know!

Its like going through a relationship breakup, i'm really struggling and have cried a few times over this. I don't have many other friends and am taking it really personality.

Any idea or advice?

Friendships rarely stay exactly the same, they tend to evolve over time. Phone calls every few days for a busy woman with work and commitments including other friendships and relationships seems a lot to maintain over a long period.

Two choices - value the contact you do have, perhaps be more proactive in ringing her or arranging meet ups or continue to beat yourself wondering why and potentially lose the friendship altogether as you keep asking what’s wrong, pushing her further away because it just all becomes draining.

Have you posted about this a few times before? If that was you, and you're still not getting over this, not sure anything we say will help you. If not you, ignore.

Your friend's life has grown and evolved. Yours hasn't. That's why you are holding onto the past as without her you don't have any other friends or an equivalent social life. She can never fill the very large burden you place on her of being your everything, almost a surrogate partner. I'm sorry this is a tough lesson you need to learn, that friendships do change and not all of them last forever. It really shouldn't feel like a relationship break up because she's still in touch with you, and it was never a relationship. It was unhealthy to be that codependent and she has likely realised hence taking space. You will never have this kind of friendship with anyone OP, and even with a partner it wouldn't be healthy. No one person can offer this to you.

What are you doing to grow your social life? Meeting new people? Are you dating?

Also is it possible she just doesn't think you and she have anything in common anymore? I've had this with some friends - I've taken up new hobbies, or moved away, or started focusing on different things and what held us together wasn't relevant anymore. Or I suddenly realised they were getting me down and only seemed happy for me to stay in a state of stasis like them. There was judgement or jealousy or resentment at how I was living my life.

The friendships that lasted are people who appreciated and valued the ways in which I was changing, encouraged me and hanging out with them felt fun and easy. So I kept going back for more. In the end we gravitate towards what feels good. So as harsh as it is, maybe she just doesn't leave your company feeling uplifted or good....
But others will feel that way so focus on nurturing new friendships.

Yep, its life I'm afraid. Happens to us all. Relationships change over time. She is changing. Let her. You now need to change too, to be happy.

You need to fill that void with new friends.

I'd say in personality we are different yes, but that has never ever been a problem before and we always had a laugh and things to talk about.

We are different in that she has more friends, family and is a definite extrovert, always needs to be out doing things where as I appreciate my space but also want to be close to my friends.

I haven't changed at all, so this is what I don't understand.

I'm hurt and angry that she says nothing has changed in our friendship, that shes just busy when it CLEARLY has.

OP have you actually read the responses?

If you want to see her more, make the effort to meet up.

I agree that friendships ebb and flow at times.

One of my best friends and I went through a quiet patch a few years ago and now we're connected and it's better than ever now.

Equally, some friendships have fallen apart and while it's sad and painful sometimes people change (you or them) or prioritise different things.

What you mustn't do is put all your efforts into one friend. Branch out

Would you enjoy her time knowing it's because you've guilted her or harassed her into seeing you? If not then leave her be and move on. If she wants to reach out she will.

I have more than once, asked her 'where have you been?' and even 'i'm sad we're distant now' which she responded to right away and said she was just busy and that we weren't distant! But she hasn't tried to rectify it, things just continued as they are now which is making me feel down.

You haven't tried to rectify it either. You even said you tender to wait for her to contact you. Perhaps she is fed up of always being the one to make an effort. Just because she's "extroverted" isn't a reason for you to not reach out equally.

*tend to wait

Contact your friend first and call her and make arrangements first. She probably thinks you’re not putting in the same effort and is distancing.

Oh OP you've posted about this same friend THREE times now in the last few months. And she has made it clear to you that she sees you as a very casual friend now. Didn't she cancel plans to come see your new house? I think that's a clear sign she just wants space from you for whatever reason.

I don't know what to tell you that you haven't been told multiple times. You're bordering on obsessive now. She has made it abundantly clear that the friendship has run its course and doesn't want to have a big emotional confrontation with you. Can you blame her? You're acting like a jealous lover (you were very judgemental about her new friends and new life in your last post). Because anything she tells you, you won't really accept. What exactly do you want from her?

Please please for the love of god, accept that she has charged even if you haven't. She isn't you, her life is on a different path and you getting angry and upset and refusing to accept it, is only driving a greater wedge. And you're not taking any responsibility for forging new friendships and broadening your social life.

Completely agree with the poster above.
You are being really unfair to this friend, judgey and obsessive.
If you really wanted to see her, you could have reached out first instead.

So I put a status on facebook for the first time in ages and the friend 'liked' the status. Liked the status but still doesn't care to reach out.

At this point I think I have no choice but to give up.

I almost wonder if shes playing a game, liking my status but not getting in touch?

It is very sad, but if you've told her how you feel and she hasn't made any effort to rectify it, and is out with other friends... its quite clear she doesn't want to be friends anymore.

Its frustrating not knowing the reason, but you'll probably never know so it is best to move on. It is difficult if you don't have other friends, but getting overly attached to onr friend isnt good and perhaps what pushed her away.

Get out there and try to make new friends. A couple so if one doesn't work out you don't feel this low. Bumble BFF, join activities, walking groups , whatever hobby you wanna try and try and meet people

No she isn’t playing a game, she’s just enjoying her life. It is you who is doing the game playing. If you want to retain the friendship make an effort. But the emotional blackmail is very unattractive.

I think the FB thing is neither here nor there. You’re massively overthinking it. I’m sorry. It’s crap when friendships break down. If you have tried to invite / call her and gotten a lukewarm reception I’d let it go. It’s painful because presumably you want to have it out with the person and ask them what has changed, but it sounds like she’s no longer invested in the relationship.

She's not playing a game. She's enjoying her life.

You're not her best friend you're a casual friend that is clearly not all that close to her.

I don't think it's doing you any good obsessing over her - do you have other friends or is she your only friend?

It's not game playing, op seriously stop. You're obsessive and too intense.

Do you not think your very intense behaviour might of pushed her away?

Well since i'm not in touch and the problem is that shes stopped getting in touch resulting in me withdrawing and feeling very hurt... no? Its hardly intense, as far as she knows, i'm also just getting on with life.

I think the hard truth is that perhaps you saw each other differently. You saw her as a best friend and she saw you as a friend. The trouble is that means certain behaviours will be less acceptable. Truthfully the only person I would tolerate being guilt tripped with "I'm sad we are distant now" would be an absolute best friend or my DP. Then I would call and fine out what's going on.

You say you mostly left it to her to get in touch as she was busy but that's a lot of mental work for her. It simply sounds as if the friendship has run its course.

This is a hard truth but noone is obligated to be your friend. We kid ourselves that all friendships should be lifelong and that's rubbish. Friends will often be environmental, situation specific. It isn't undermine the time you had with them. If you are being intense she may be avoiding a big blowout.

I think if it's coming across this intense and judgemental on the thread, she's probably sensed it ages ago hence her taking distance. If she wants to have fun, meet new people, enjoy life in her own way - and you are still stuck and unchanging with no social life or adventures to share, she might find you a bit of a downer. Sorry OP, if you aren't living life at the same pace as her, she likely just has nothing in common with you anymore. People just get pickier about the friendships they invest into once older. It's awful but not judgement on you - just that she needs something she can't get from you. You need a friend more on your level, in fact from your previous posts this friendship has been on the outs for years!! So why are you still holding on to it?

That's why she thinks your intense, because you're not letting go. You still act as if she's a close friend and she hasn't been in a very long time. Honestly I like posts on FB of people I've met once! It means nothing. Do you really have nothing else in your life other than her?

Maybe she feels like she's the one putting in the effort to maintain the friendship? You said yourself that she's the more extrovert one and comes to you more often. So maybe yes, you have not done anything wrong as such, but maybe you need to start initiating contact more. It gets a bit tiresome been the one to always approach a friend and you are often left wondering why the other person never reaches out. Take that cue and reach out to her first. Arrange a coffee, a catch up.

In April when she cancelled plans to see you, you said you were finally going to accept the friendship was over.

Yet here you are with another thread. Nothing has changed between you since April so why can you not just let go?