Its a friendship one

[friendtrouble]

Background -
Both early 30s, both single, both live alone. Friends for 10 years.

I am currently finding it really difficult to move past a change in mine and my best friends friendship. If that is what we can even call it any more, can we even call it a 'friendship' let alone best friends. It seems to have just changed over night and I don't know why.

We have always been in touch about once a week, she has a lot more friends than I do and is very extroverted, so although i'd say it was balanced in terms of who would reach out first, I tended to let her come to me as she was always very busy. She would call me when she could and we'd catch up. She was always in relationships until about a year ago, whilst I was single but we were still always very close friends.

In the past few months, there has a been a sudden and massive change in this. Looking back on my phone, she would call me weekly, if not every few days, but she has since called just once in 3 months. She also very rarely texts, and if she does and I respond, she may reply back a few times but then the conversation comes to an abrupt end.

I have more than once, asked her 'where have you been?' and even 'i'm sad we're distant now' which she responded to right away and said she was just busy and that we weren't distant! But she hasn't tried to rectify it, things just continued as they are now which is making me feel down. She isn't the sort of person to hold grudges with any one and I don't think i've done anything wrong. It just feels like she just doesn't give me a thought anymore.

Meanwhile i'm seeing her out and about from facebook so I know shes fine and seeing other people, but shes no longer reaching out or wanting to meet and its very strange after weekly contact for 10 years that she suddenly no longer wants to know!

Its like going through a relationship breakup, i'm really struggling and have cried a few times over this. I don't have many other friends and am taking it really personality.

Any idea or advice?

Hang on, how are people able to see and connect other posts? I name change to stay annoymous/being outed.

Bit of a concern?

I think people are just recognising the situation.

People can be so harsh on here when it comes to friendships, there’s a lot of oh just let it go without understanding how hard it is to do that when you don’t have many friends. It hurts and it’s not “intense” to wonder why someone has dropped you! It’s completely normal. I don’t have any advice but I’m sorry it’s happening, I would be upset about it too.

You have posted on this situation so many times it's very recognisable. It's pretty specific. Also annoying when the same advice is given every time and ignored.

It's just because your situation and writing style are recognisable OP, your name changes aren't connected.

Name changes aren't connected. People recognise you because you've posted about this several times in the same intense way.

As hurt as I am, i'm aware that nothing can improve this situation as i'll always from now on, feel untrusting of her not to let me down and hurt me again. Its never gone so long without speaking with her.

The problem is, how should I react if she were to contact me again?

Since my issue with this began and in the rare instances she has sent me a text, i've ended up replying in a breezy way and putting my hurt behind me, in fact feeling relieved that she was in touch and I still had a friend. But then its always gone back to feeling like this.

But you're not making the effort to invite her to do things.

You say you always wait for her to make contact with you.

She might be posting "I've been making all of the effort to contact my friend for years, I'm sick of being the person to always phone. She still doesn't phone me or invite me out but is now making passive aggressive comments such as im sad we're distant now. AIBU to give up on her as im sick of doing all the work".

Do you phone her? Invite her over, or out for dinner?

Given she cancelled on you the last time you made plans, you told her you were upset by it, and since then radio silence from her - I would not respond to her messages again. Treat it like a break up if you must. But if she isn't bothering to reach out in all these months, the writing is on the wall. In fact I'm not so sure she will reach out anytime soon.

She will not go back to how things were. So you can either adapt and be ok seeing her rarely and speaking every few months (and not be resentful, angry or jealous) OR you can just cut all contact and move on once and for all. She's like a toxic ex you know isn't good for you, yet you keep holding on waiting for change. This friendship makes you feel crap and it serves no purpose. As scary as it is to make new friends, you can't hide away from life using her as a foil. The friendship served its purpose for you both but was never intended to be for a lifetime, because you both are just too different. Sometimes those differences can work, in your case it hasn't worked for many years. I think you're stuck in the past still remembering things as more recent than they are... You need to let go of the fantasy, as you yourself said it's been many YEARS since the friendship changed. That's a long time for you to not have accepted it and moved on. Good luck!

We have seen each other since cancelled plans, only once sure, but she instigated it and I almost thought it wouldn't happen, but it did. It was lovely, she text me and asked to meet up, we met up, it was fine, and then it was back to how it is now.

And she has actually text me, at the start of the month, asking how things are. We had a few texts back and forth and then nothing.

Its the frequency compared to how it used to be which is a problem for me, along with the fact she used to call me all the time and now she doesn't. Its reduced from constant contact to literally like 1 text per month.

The whole point of this thread is that i'm really confused as to why things have changed from her side, but whatever the reason may be, the friendship isn't serving me either any more, because I need friends who are reliable.

However, that also leaves me with practically no friends.

Friendships often ebb and flow, it's natural.

I'm so confused why you keep posting about this friend if you do meet with her and she does message! It's weird that you just refuse to accept that this is as good as the friendship gets.

Do you really not understand that she has other things on and not the same amount of time for you anymore? You are very lacking in self awareness OP. You're in your 30s, you are not going to find any one person who gives you the time and attention you want. She doesn't exist to just meet your needs and protect you from loneliness - she is entitled to change and grow up and want more from life than just spending so much of it on you. You can do the same you know. Instead of just being upset and resentful.

You not having friends is a YOU problem. Do you not have hobbies where you can join groups and meet people? Or do you date?

People grow up and change. They have different needs and interests and wants as they get older.
Like I used to be a really sociable person, always seeing friends, partying nowadays I can't be arsed and would rather be in bed come 7pm! It's part of life.

You cannot depend on one person to meet all your needs, you need to make new and more friends.
Do you date? Do you have friends at work? Any hobbies?
I'm not trying be harsh op I'm just trying to be helpful as you're not quite understanding one of the most basic things.

We have seen each other since cancelled plans, only once sure, but she instigated it and I almost thought it wouldn't happen, but it did. It was lovely, she text me and asked to meet up, we met up, it was fine, and then it was back to how it is now.

And she has actually text me, at the start of the month, asking how things are. We had a few texts back and forth and then nothing.

Its the frequency compared to how it used to be which is a problem for me, along with the fact she used to call me all the time and now she doesn't. Its reduced from constant contact to literally like 1 text per month.

• honestly op what on earth do you expect from her? She reached out to you, you spoke. She doesn't have the time to be at your beckon call constantly. Friends don't need to speak every single day. She's not a bad person, she's busy. You've been incredibly judgmental and harsh towards her life in other posts, and it's simply jealousy. You aren't a good friend to her, as much as you think she isn't to you.

Move on.

Maybe she got fed up of always being the one to drive the contact - meant in the nicest way possible.
I'm quite extroverted and had a couple of friends I would contact very regularly until recently. But in recent months my life circumstances have change a little and I no longer have the energy to maintain a friendship when it's always me who initiates or drives the contact. I haven't fallen out with my friends, I just no longer have the energy to make the effort of 2 ppl.
Could it be your friend feels this way too?

Communication happens in many ways. You seem to think it’s only about what is actually said in a text or person, but there is so much more. Your friend is literally distancing herself from you. I know you recognise this as you keep posting about it. This is her communicating to you that she wants distance from you.

None of us knows why. We can guess, based on what you reveal of yourself in here, but we are just guessing.

It is not the responsibility of your friend or any other person to provide you with guidance on how to behave, that is on your. But if you are finding that your friendships are waning then it is probably time to take a look at yourself. Maybe you need to make more effort with the friendships you have? Maybe you need to meet new people? Maybe you have unrealistic expectations of your friends? Maybe you need to learn to be a better friend to others?

I don’t know but I’d encourage you to do some work on yourself rather than blame others for your loneliness. There is therapy, there are self help books and so on.

Find what you need within yourself rather than saddling others with that responsibility.

Mostly people want someone to be interested in their lives and to be understanding when they are struggling. Loyal and supportive. It helps to be funny!

Maybe your friend feels you don’t take much interest in her life? Or that you don’t make much effort to stay in touch? Or that you tend to be miserable? Or that you are judgmental, unsupportive or just absent when she needs kindness? Or that there is an imbalance financially? Maybe she has come to value other friendships more?

And maybe it is none of those things. But the friendship you had is gone and the more you refuse to accept this, the more you will drive her away.

@friendtrouble but you've repeatedly avoided the question about the fact you leave her to contact you.

Do you ever reach out and contact her? Suggest anything to do?