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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Half a mother and half a career woman"

36 replies

Greenginghamdress · 21/06/2022 22:18

My partner described me as this at the weekend. We weren't particularly arguing at the time.
He said I hadn't put my heart into doing either.
I have 1 DD (4) and work part time. I completed my masters at work after maternity leave and the job is reasonably secure and not too stressful. However I travel 30 miles each way for it which is getting to be a stretch. Its lab work and I can't wfh apart from very odd occasions.
I've thought about retraining but I don't want to commit to full time work as I love being with DD too and going for days out together.
For context, I would now have another child but partner says its too much of a gap.
So as not to drip feed, I fell pregnant unexpectedly when she was just over 1 and we agreed to end the pregnancy. We both struggled with being parents and my mental health was horrendous for a couple of yetes afterwards. Partner is resentful of this decision now.
I do most of life admin, all housework really.
Not sure what I'm asking. Was this a fair comment?

OP posts:
Beachsidesunset · 21/06/2022 22:19

Well he sounds like a revolting specimen. What on Earth keeps you with him?

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 21/06/2022 22:20

No that's unfair because he clearl

Hardtobelieve123 · 21/06/2022 22:21

He doesn’t sound very kind.

ClarissaD · 21/06/2022 22:21

Absolutely not a fair comment. Working part time doesn’t mean you’re half a mother- you’re a mother whether you’re at work or not. Like most you have to work and it sounds like you’ve found a balance that works for you. Is he saying you should work more or less?

Sounds like there are quite a few tensions.

FriendlyPineapple · 21/06/2022 22:21

Is he only 'half a dad' because he works?

It's a stupid comment from someone trying to hurt you, I think.

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 21/06/2022 22:22

Stupid site crashed! Was going to say: No it was a mean-spirited comment. He could have said you manage to work, run the home and have time for a kid - best of all worlds.

He doesnt sound very nice. Why do you keep hom around?!

LoudingVoice · 21/06/2022 22:22

Does he work full time? If so does he not consider himself a father?

He sounds like an arse tbh.

Topgub · 21/06/2022 22:22

He must be a half a dad then?

Original poster
Greenginghamdress · 21/06/2022 22:24

Yes he works full time and I think he wants me to also.
I'm sure he wanted 2 kids close together but ' that ship has sailed'.
I think it was a mean comment top and I've not been able to stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
MaChienEstUnDick · 21/06/2022 22:27

So by his logic he's all a career man and not at all a dad - I'd ask him to reflect on that.

It was an incredibly mean comment.

lady725516 · 21/06/2022 22:28

He sounds like an arsehole! He needs to give you some respect and pull his weight a bit more!!
I have a 5 years age gap between my 2 children. It's not too much and I'm glad I waited until I did to have my second daughter.

Amid · 21/06/2022 22:34

What he is, is a tosser.

I worked part-time for 6 years after having my DC - it was a good balance for my career AND my child.

Tell him to fuck off. You can do and deserve better

doitwithlove · 21/06/2022 22:34

I have 4yrs between my two kids & worked part time.

He sounds an absolute idiot. Have another baby if you can accommodate one.

Spudlet · 21/06/2022 22:38

Topgub · 21/06/2022 22:22

He must be a half a dad then?

Or maybe just a half-wit…

gingersplodgecat · 21/06/2022 22:40

Christ, what a bastard.

ToastedWaffle · 21/06/2022 22:41

doitwithlove · 21/06/2022 22:34

I have 4yrs between my two kids & worked part time.

He sounds an absolute idiot. Have another baby if you can accommodate one.

I would NOT being having any more children with this tosser if I was OP.

DPotter · 21/06/2022 22:42

It's very unfair of him to change his mind in retrospect for your termination if you had both agreed it was the correct thing to do at the time.
He is making excuses now - of course you can have another child now. There are no rules about the size of gap between babies and you most certainly wouldn't be the first family to have a gap of 4 years plus between children. My sister & I are living examples!

I'm not sure what he is wanting of you - does he want you to work f/t or does he want you to be a SAHM ? There are many many families where both parents work f/t - would he describe those Mums as full time career, hobby mum ? Of course not. IME Mums working in paid employment 'work' considerably more than 36-40 hrs per week. The difference being the work at home (raising the children, running the house, etc) is unpaid, as lets be honest even in the 21st century there are few men who pick up the full share of child rearing and home running. I know there are exceptions, however I stand by my statement.

I would sit him down and get him to talk through what he meant by his comment - even throw away comments have a hidden, deep agenda. He can also explain his reference to a too bigger gap in children. If he doesn't want a second child - well fair enough, but it's not as if you will have 10 years between nos 1 and 2 if you decide on more children now.

Discovereads · 21/06/2022 22:46

It really depends on context. Factually, you work half time (part time) and are a SAHM half the time. You say you were not arguing at the time, so I wouldn’t presume it’s an insult.

I think there is tension between you two though because you don’t want to work FT, but he wants you to work FT. I’ve always been of the opinion that two adults should work FT as the default in an equal partnership and that neither can unilaterally decide to work PT and be a PT SAHP or not work at all to be FT SAHP.

Naunet · 22/06/2022 15:57

Less than half surely, if he works full time. I’d be asking him what percentage father he is. Stupid prick.

Echobelly · 22/06/2022 16:06

No, he was not being fair and who the hell uses the expression 'career woman' these days?! Most women have a career and no one ever talks about 'career men'!

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 22/06/2022 16:53

He sounds terrible.
Perhaps if he said you split your time between motherhood and work, but not "Half a mother and half a career woman".

This reminds me of my friend who has a serious career which she was doing on a 4-day a week basis whilst doing EVERYTHING for 2 children - cooking, cleaning, driving them to and from after school activities, homework, crafting projects - the lot. Her husband said she needed to up her days to 5 as she was "holding the family back"!!
I was 😵

cestlavielife · 22/06/2022 17:03

I m a mother 24/7. My status does not change.

I also work out of home full time.

He was trying to make you feel bad. Laugh in his face.

fghj149 · 22/06/2022 18:12

He’s a full time arsehole if you ask me.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 23/06/2022 08:26

Op my brother in law made a comment about me not focusing on my son enough as there only young once, as I work full time and am a single parent.
I literally told him if he felt that way he could pay my bills or fuck off with an opinion till he did. Probably quite rude of me but I was livid.
Evryone does there best and your partner clearly is a bit of a knob for not seeing that xx sorry that he said that to you

Flyg · 23/06/2022 09:34

Discovereads · 21/06/2022 22:46

It really depends on context. Factually, you work half time (part time) and are a SAHM half the time. You say you were not arguing at the time, so I wouldn’t presume it’s an insult.

I think there is tension between you two though because you don’t want to work FT, but he wants you to work FT. I’ve always been of the opinion that two adults should work FT as the default in an equal partnership and that neither can unilaterally decide to work PT and be a PT SAHP or not work at all to be FT SAHP.

Did you see the part about him saying she doesnt put her heart into either? Thats an insult surely?