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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So upset but should I stick to my decision

35 replies

AilisAxx · 21/06/2022 19:57

Hey everyone. I need a bit of advice please xx I recently started a new relationship about 7 months ago, I’m 45 and he is almost 50. We’ve both just got out of long unhappy relationships so are enjoying our time together. Most of the time it’s been fantastic but he does this thing that really makes me feel like he just wants a good time and maybe just used me as an excuse to leave his unhappy relationship. A few times we have planned to do stuff together eg go out for the day or go to dinner or just meet up for a walk and a coffee (we don’t live together as i have a young child and don’t want to bring someone new into her life so soon) anyway on about 4 or 5 occasions he has gone out with mates the night before we are due to do something we had planned, which is absolutely fine, but he’s gotten so drunk that he crashes at a friends house (please bare in mind again he is almost 50 years old) and gets up the following morning and goes straight to the pub with the same friends which means we can’t do what we had planned on doing that day. It’s really really annoying and it makes me so mad that he would deliberately do this knowing how upset it will make me so today I just said right I’ve had enough and I finished with him. This isn’t the kind of life I want. I don’t want to be with someone who basically isn’t afraid to upset me or to lose me even?? I have heard from him since, some drunken messages and that sort of rubbish but I stuck to my decision. However I know I’m going to miss him so so so much because apart from those 4 or 5 occasions the past 7 months have been amazing. Was I too hasty and maybe a bit jealous that he put his mates before me or was I right and should I stick to my decision? I think he needs to grow up or are most men like this???? My ex husband wasn’t - he hadnt a lot of friends and he rarely went out. Anyone can offer a bit of advice thank you in advance xxx😊

OP posts:
toooldtocare · 21/06/2022 20:00

Sounds to me like you made absolutely the right decision. 7months in - you’re in the honeymoon phase he should be trying to impress you and be keen to spend time with you. Trust his actions whatever his words say..

Watchkeys · 21/06/2022 20:55

It really doesn't matter what most men are like, unless you're trying to find an excuse for him?

He's putting drinking before you. He's done it several times in a short relationship. He does it even though he knows it will upset you.

How much disrespect are you willing to accept, even if it's only on a part time basis?

CrystalCoco · 21/06/2022 21:05

I'd leave him to sweat for a few days over his own actions, see how apologetic and remorseful he is for what he's done, and if he can convince you that going forward he will change, then it's worth giving it another go.

But one more strike and he's out - know this in your mind, and make sure he knows he's on his final chance too

HyggeandTea · 21/06/2022 21:10

It's been fun, but there is better out there for you.
You know this isn't right, and believe me, you will not be able to change or fix him.
Call it a day now, and move on...I am sure you would advise any friend to do the same. There are plenty of wonderful guys out there, take your time and be a bit choosy. You owe it to yourself.

Watchkeys · 21/06/2022 21:11

I'd leave him to sweat for a few days over his own actions, see how apologetic and remorseful he is for what he's done

Games. Don't indulge in relationships that make you want to play games.

HollowTalk · 21/06/2022 21:20

God, why would anybody want a man like that? You can do so much better. At 50 he is who is, he's not going to change for you or anyone else.

KangarooKenny · 21/06/2022 21:22

Stick to your decision. Is that really the sort of person you want in your child’s life ?

pictish · 21/06/2022 21:31

Going out with his friends, fine. Drinking with his friends, fine.
Blowing you off the next day to keep on drinking with his friends, NOT FINE.

2bazookas · 21/06/2022 21:47

I think you're focussing on the wrong red flag. It's not the cancelled plans, or the preferring his mates, or the fact he's a a selfish oik.

The BIGGEST RED FLAG is the regular drunk benders. Just be glad you were never there, you and your child will never face a blind drunk in the home.

Be philosophical' looking back you had some nice times with him, looking forward you know there was no future with him. You made the right decision and there are lots more fish in the sea.

springsally · 21/06/2022 21:50

He sounds like he could be an alcoholic to me. You're well rid OP, stick to your guns.

Vodika · 21/06/2022 21:53

You're well rid OP.

I also think this was probably the reason why his other relationship ended too. Let me guess, was his ex 'too controlling' and kept trying to stop him from seeing his mates by any chance?

Moonface123 · 21/06/2022 21:54

Sounds a right waste of space , no example for your child, he' s shown you who he is, an unreliable drunk.

Pallisers · 21/06/2022 21:56

You are only 7 months in, the honeymoon phase and he has blown you off 4 or 5 times to go on a 2-day bender with his mates. Age 50. red flags all over the place.

Catlover1970 · 21/06/2022 22:08

Correct decision. You are right at the bottom of his list of priorities. Down the rotten egg Shute

bloodyunicorns · 21/06/2022 22:09

He's put drinking before you several times in a very short relationship, when he's meant to be putting you first and impressing you!

My dh has never done that in 25 years...

RBKB · 22/06/2022 06:59

4 or 5 times in 7 months is A LOT. You have done the right thing.

something2say · 22/06/2022 08:30

See, I'm on a social scene a bit like this. Great music, people who've known each other years, good nights out round the fire in the pub. It quite often does go like you day, meet the next day. If he was stuck in a marriage for years, no wonder he wants some fun.

The problem is, he blew off plans to see you. That shows that he is not prioritising the relationship. I think you've done the right thing xxx

MummyTo2Monsters · 22/06/2022 08:48

OP stick to your decision. I'm not sure what was the reason for his previous relationship ending but I would wonder if this very behavior had something to do with it. As you said you also just got out of a long unhappy relationship, so maybe you are caught up in the 'magic' of a new relationship after a long time. I think you deserve better, this is not the kind of person you want in your child's life either. This person seems like he wants to live a free life yet have someone at his beck and call. Don't be that someone. I think at this stage of your life (after a long unhappy relationship and a child to consider) you deserve stability and reassurance of a healthy relationship that's potentially going somewhere.
Ditch the frat boy wannabe!

PetersRabbitt · 22/06/2022 08:52

Alcoholic. There is someone out that that is so much more fun!! Go find them and don’t waste your time with this one.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 22/06/2022 09:10

You've done absolutely the right thing! Immature boozy manchild!

Original poster
AilisAxx · 22/06/2022 11:33

I don’t think he’s an alcoholic but I understand where you’re all coming from. He doesn’t see anything wrong with what he has done. Probably doesn’t see it as the big deal I do. All the rest of our time together has been fabulous he is so kind and thoughtful apart from those times and I am heart broken without him but I can’t keep going back for the same thing to be done to me again. Each time it’s apologies and we move on until it happens again. Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/06/2022 11:41

He's a binge drinker, then. Call it whatever you like; you know it's not healthy and it's not what you want.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 22/06/2022 12:02

I think you’ve made the right decision, op. You deserve someone better than this.

MummyTo2Monsters · 22/06/2022 13:46

@AilisAxx this heart break that you are feeling now will only be intensified if you go back to this relationship. I know it may feel easier to give in and give him another chance because it makes you feel better and get rid of that heart ache, but remember that is only a band aid. I do not dispute that he is a wonderful person as you know him better than any of us, but from an outside point of view who can identify a 'red flag' in the relationship and what's actually got you upset enough to seek advice in this regard I can tell you that 7 months is better to lose than investing more time and feelings into this relationship only to be left disappointed and hurt years done the line.
But alas it is your decision to make, but when making it also consider your child who will be involved in this as well if you do decide to continue the relationship long term. Is this man going to be a good/ worthy 'father figure' to your child and not leave him/her disappointed as he's left you thus far?

Blueberryface · 22/06/2022 14:07

it doesnt sound like its worth it unfortunately :(. This is possibly his way of getting over his feelings of his unhappy past..
however, its not what you want at any age, cut ties and see how it goes, you could find someone who's on your wavelength :)