Are your friends as useless as mine or am I being high maintenance? Please be honest

[bluerivers27]

I’ve come back to the U.K. and met up with my friends, and every one of them has done my head in one way or another (they did before I left, but much more now) - I feel as if they don’t have their own thoughts or personality?

• Just got back from a dinner with a friend who tells me she doesn’t tell people about her severe nut allergy “so she doesn’t bother people and feels bad when she does” - aka the allergy that can kill her?? But “she knows when we go out I’ll say something to the restaurant” so it’s all good..

• I asked the same friend what she got to takeaway from the place we were eating in last time, she told me it was sushi and “should she get it now I’ve suggested it”, I asked if she was hungry and she went “no but just because you mentioned it”. Why would you get food for yourself because I asked that?

• Whatever I order when I’m out, they order the exact same thing? They never choose the restaurant or food, it’s just “up to me” and I’ve also to make the booking, and I know deep down if I don’t then it won’t happen

• Whenever I vent, they can hardly muster a response together or even listen 100% but I’m the friend they go to for advice. Whenever I have an issue, it falls on deaf ears

• I feel I invest more or think about people more than they do to/for me

Atm, I’m in a bad mood and extremely hormonal but I’m finding it extremely hard to meet women or have friends who are on my wavelength. I feel like the mum, the therapist, the boss and the co-ordinator

Also meant to add - every single friend has been extremely late (20/30 minutes - in places where if I wasn’t already there; the table would be gone!)

Time for some new friends!

I think its the same as dating really. Can take time to find one that is sane and suitable.

Try the bumble friend app. I've made a couple of mates from that this past 2 years. One of them is brilliant. The other one...Well, she's always up for a night out at least.

But I think some friends are really just acquaintances. And the trick is to know when to let them just be that.

I do think some people are just their to be "carried".
I had 2 friends who really struggled with an opinion that differed from their own, it was such hard work, it was like trying to explain to a child, "you can be friends and not agree on everything, disagreeing doesn't mean arguing, you don't have to agree all the time to be friends"
I have friends now who don't like to say what they want to do "their easy" so I have to choose the activity and the time of activity, it's boring,I like new ideas, and it's not rude to actually suggest something !!!!

One was always late, I just started to start things without her and she could catch up when she arrived, I would order my food if she wasn't their by 10/15 mins and i would leave when I originally planned, even f it was half way through her meal, but it just became passive aggressive and exhausting and I'm not that person so I took a step back.

She also did that really annoying thing of "oh I was so busy I forgot to get back to you" so I did tend to stop trying to arrange things as she wasn't too busy, she was at home, on her phone but I just wasn't a priority or she would pretend to be soo busy and then it would come about that she used to just say that as we were all busy doing stuff.

It ended up everything appeared a competition with her, again, exhausting ,

I'm guilty on the time keeping aspects, the food, I'm willing to choose my own preferences, any allergys the people around me would need to know incase their is an error and medical emergency, any psychological perspectives I need assistance with usually I try to fix myself as peoples either are too busy, non committed, or they are busy with x, plus usually if I fix it myself then it also compartmentalize the issues.

You sound like my kinda person 😁

Omg my friend is always at least 30 mins late. Its horrible.. like they think their time is worth more.

Also - my partner is quite successful and we have moved overseas. I have a friend who’s a SAHM to the most useless man who rinses their money (or his) and she seems to moan to me about money and I KNOW there’s a hint of “help me” in there. My friend just assume my partner hands me ungodly amounts of money daily and we have no responsibilities or bills - I’ve told her over and over what I think she should do, and the job centre have told her due to her disability, she can go to uni or get a job with amazing funding! Both would bring in much better income, yet she never makes the move to do it and just moans CONSTANTLY and does nothing to make her situation better!

I just know she’s hoping I’ll turn around and offer to help her.. I pay her half when we get food and treat her daughter a lot! I just feel so under appreciated.

If you're feeling underappreciated, stop spending time with people who make you feel underappreciated. Be alone and happy, if making new friends is hard right now. Alone and happy is BRILLIANT, and well worth learning. If you appreciate you, you don't need anybody else to.

I’ll defo need to try this! I’m living in Spain so will need to see if they have it there.

HOWEVER I did join a fb group years ago called Gal Pals (the city I’m from) and I remember I met up with one girl, we had dinner and it was okay then she never kept in contact and I had to initiate again! Everyone used to complain on the page how any events made, people were always a no show. I just never thought friends would be this difficult?!

@Thinkbiglittleone the “I’m too busy to get back to you” is up there on my list of what annoys me most. I have a friend who’s on her phone constantly and arranges a day and time to text you “to give you her undivided attention” - like she will say “I’m free tomorrow around 2pm if you wanna WhatsApp me then” and when you do, it’s steady and flowing then she disappears for days again - and the convo is dead by that point!

@Mouldyfeet I honestly thought it was just me!! I’ve been sitting home back from that dinner wondering if I’m just too high tempered lol

@Watchkeys I totally agree. I vent to DP who just doesn’t get it because I don’t think guys have relationships with friends the way we do. He just doesn’t fathom how I think these things are a big deal because of how laidback he is and how some men are, but it really grinds my gears! I was hoping it wouldn’t come to being alone, but I think you’re right

I find myself wondering how old all these useless friends are...

@Oestrogelsmuggler I’m 24, they range from 23-29!

Ah. Yes. I do find the younger people very bland these days.

My main culprit was 44!,
I mean by that age have some respect, show up on time, reply once you've initiated a meet up, be honest and everything isn't a competition, just be normal without a point to prove.

I mean some people, but yes OP you will find people who don't make you feel like your needy, simply by being a friend.

I hate bad timekeepers too. Op I laugh at my teens friends they friends one week fall out the next! I try have few friends but its hard Im 49

I have definitely struggled with some friendships. I have learnt along the way to just have a few close friends. It can be difficult to find people on the same wavelength as you. I definitely don’t put up with dramatic, self-centred or selfish people anymore.

If you don't see them very often now you live abroad, maybe you've slightly built up expectations over and above what is realistic especially during what is a normal working week for your friends.

Presumably this is a trip you've been looking forward to for some time and have been looking forward to meeting up with multiple people so lots of planning and anticipation and the reality can fall a bit flat.

Trouble is people are fallible and have their own things going on and their own quirks and foibles all of which is easy to mentally gloss over when you don't see them all the time. It doesn't mean that meeting them is a disaster though (none of what you've described sounds disastrous, just niggly) nor that they aren't worth your time and attention.

Their lives will have moved on since the days when you saw them more regularly, they'll have different draws on their time and different preoccupations to previously, just as you have. With a bit of patience and understanding this isn't a bad thing and can be useful in terms of different perspectives. It's all good.

They don't sound that great (you don't mention any positives to go with the negatives) and you don't seem to have much liking for them, so it would make sense to step back and stop suggesting and arranging stuff.

But....when ALL your friends are annoying you, and you have not found it easy to form new friendships either naturally or by specifically trying to do so online...what is really going on there? Are you easily irritated? Are you a great friend to have? At 24 it isn't unusual to leave old friends behind, but you are still at the age where new friendships would normally fall into place effortlessly through work or study or interests or friends of friends.

People are just different though.

For example, we wouldn’t get on because I’m flakey with punctuality, and hate choosing where to go/eat etc.

You just need to find people you click with and have efficient, punctual, business style meet ups where a 50/50 split of talking time is protected in a formal mutual contract, someone keeps minutes and latecomers are not permitted to eat 😜

Also at your age I was just realising who the “friends” were who ALWAYS forgot their purse and expected me to pay. I ditched them.

But I think some friends are really just acquaintances. And the trick is to know when to let them just be that.

I think this is really profound.
I'm going to try to remember it and quote it on some of the millionty million threads on here where OP is upset because their friend has the absolute audacity to do something without them sometimes.

Back to OP - you are not wrong. Only having friends like that would drive me potty. Even more so when I was your age.

@Henerlo I wish this was the case! DP’s family member died and we came here last minute for the funeral. I was going to keep my 3 day trip a secret as he would be going but not me as I knew I wouldn’t have time to see every single person. Then I just decided to casually mention it to friends & family and my friends were messaging me asking to see me and things like that - so I agreed, and look where it got me!

I have had to demote several previously very good friends to acquaintances recently, and it has been most disconcerting. But the truth is, we're different people now, and the people we are now don't seem to have all that much in common.