Are your friends as useless as mine or am I being high maintenance? Please be honest

[bluerivers27]

I’ve come back to the U.K. and met up with my friends, and every one of them has done my head in one way or another (they did before I left, but much more now) - I feel as if they don’t have their own thoughts or personality?

• Just got back from a dinner with a friend who tells me she doesn’t tell people about her severe nut allergy “so she doesn’t bother people and feels bad when she does” - aka the allergy that can kill her?? But “she knows when we go out I’ll say something to the restaurant” so it’s all good..

• I asked the same friend what she got to takeaway from the place we were eating in last time, she told me it was sushi and “should she get it now I’ve suggested it”, I asked if she was hungry and she went “no but just because you mentioned it”. Why would you get food for yourself because I asked that?

• Whatever I order when I’m out, they order the exact same thing? They never choose the restaurant or food, it’s just “up to me” and I’ve also to make the booking, and I know deep down if I don’t then it won’t happen

• Whenever I vent, they can hardly muster a response together or even listen 100% but I’m the friend they go to for advice. Whenever I have an issue, it falls on deaf ears

• I feel I invest more or think about people more than they do to/for me

Atm, I’m in a bad mood and extremely hormonal but I’m finding it extremely hard to meet women or have friends who are on my wavelength. I feel like the mum, the therapist, the boss and the co-ordinator

@TheYearOfSmallThings I think I am a good friend.. I think a lot of friendships in my age group are very surface level. I don’t drink and I don’t take drugs, like the city I’m from is notoriously known for that and sometimes I do feel like the odd one out as I don’t maybe go on nights out or house parties the way everybody else does! I am easily irritated but it’s not something I just blurt out or show unless needs must.

@JamesBlond me also!!! To that last part.. I cannot stand that. I’ve never been out with a friend and expected that.. but somehow it’s expected from me!

Do you see yourself as the 'leader of the pack' and look down on them?
I was going to keep my 3 day trip a secret as he would be going but not me as I knew I wouldn’t have time to see every single person. Then I just decided to casually mention it to friends & family and my friends were messaging me asking to see me and things like that - so I agreed, and look where it got me!

Having to keep your trip a 'secret' or everyone would be so keen to see you.
They're all so indecisive they can't decide what to do/eat/anything without your input.

As pp has said, you don't seem to want them as friends or get anything from the friendship?

I get so bewildered by people who can’t stand up for themselves, don’t know what they want or able to say what they want, can’t say what they don’t like and lack any kind of oomph!
How do they get through life 😳

I’m meaning more I didn’t want to commit to anyone incase we were running about mad and had no time - which is why I thought that at first. I do understand what you’re saying - but my reason for my post was to see if I was being irrational or this was quite normal to be annoyed about! I would rather not be alone, but again, if needs must I suppose!

Just marking a spot

?

I have to say the people you describe would drive me nuts.

I live in a country where people tend to be very direct and not shy of saying what they'd prefer, or coming up with ideas about where to eat, etc.

The kind of dithering and refusing to express a personal preference is wrongly considered to be a form of politeness by some British people. It's actually really rude to behave like this.

It's also a trait of the wider problem of learned helplessness, as is habitual lateness, forgetting your money on a night out , ordering whatever the mummy figure orders, etc.

I was bookmarking until I could get back.

My bad! I’m new to MN so I thought maybe marking a spot meant some type of lingo I hadn’t learned yet 😅

100% I agree with you! I know it sounds silly.. but some times I really wish I was as naive as others my age and maybe I wouldn’t even think of these things..

the other one I use is reading with intrigue,

A work friend of mine is very indecisive and it drives me insane. These days, we tend to get lunch from a local deli and we take it in turns to go out and get it. When I ask her what she wants, she thinks for a few seconds then asks what I’m getting and when I tell her she says “ok I’ll get that too”. Every. Single. Time. Irrespective of whether I say I’m getting soup, a roll, a salad bowl, whatever, she’ll get the same as me. One day last week I pointed it out (nicely) saying ‘why do you always ask me what I’m getting, just tell me what you want’ and she said “oh but I don’t knooooow what I want’. It’s a spectacularly irritating habit and one day I may murder her for it.

@sammylady37 exact same as my friend! I said to DP about this and he went “oh that’s cute that she did that because she clearly thinks what you choose is the best” no, it’s annoying as hell!!!!

I used to live abroad — and found when I returned - I had changed. Many of my friends hadn’t. My values differed. Being away usually brings growth - I realised that whilst they’re lovely - I just had moved on and was in a way trying to go, what felt backwards. Have you been away long? What do you think?

Well OP, I have almost the opposite problem. A couple of very opinionated friends! It’s a bore at times, especially as we politically disagree but they wade in anyway and my views are revived with incredulity and dismissal! Also, the negativity that comes with that. Also, seeming not to personally care about me or ask how I am!!!! So I’ve dropped a couple of them and see friendship now as more acquaintances, for a chat, an enjoyable outing, nothing deeper. Though I’m a lot older than you. Maybe most people just aren’t that deep? The philosopher Schopenhauer believed true friendship was a very rare thing in fact, and I tend to agree.

received not revived

@FionaBMCC I think this is similar for me too! I have only been away for 3 months, so not long at all. We had a funeral to come back for otherwise we wouldn’t have bothered. I just sometimes wish I was as naive as others my age!

@TwoPaws I really like this perspective because I know I’m an over thinker and add more empathy/meaning/philosophy to things than needs be. I am super sensitive!

I don’t agree with your DP. It’s not flattering, it’s just a reluctance to take (very minor) responsibility and make a very simple fucking decision. It’s infuriating and it’s actually exhausting to be on the receiving end of it.

Agreed!!! We are grown women. It is not hard

Yes OP, I think you can enjoy peoples company, socialise sometimes, without necessarily expecting ‘friendship’. Just enjoy the moment (or not, then maybe make your excuses!) Doubly the case if you are super sensitive, empathic, like to think about philosophy etc. Just the way it is, or at least how it is for me.

@TwoPaws Absolutely agree! Been thinking about this since my last comment...