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Original poster

Partner changing jobs- I feel upset

32 replies

Rockchk31 · 21/06/2022 14:41

Not sure what I’m expecting by posting but my partner has been offered a new job which involves working 3 out of 4weekends and some evenings.
We don’t live together and only really get to see eachother on weekends.
Ive told him I’m happy for him as he is really keen on the job but I can’t help but feel upset he doesn’t seem bothered about the fact we won’t have much time together. I know it’s selfish but it has upset me. How to others make it work in these situations?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2022 14:44

Perhaps he isn't bothered whether the relationship works or not.

WeeOrcadian · 21/06/2022 14:56

Surely his reaction to this tells you everything that you need to know?

SomePosters · 21/06/2022 14:58

If you’re both into it you’ll make it work!

of course he should take a good job offer. What kind of partner wouldn’t want that for the person they care about?

HollowTalk · 21/06/2022 15:00

I would back away from the relationship. If he's only going to be able to see you once a month then I just wouldn't see the point in it.

Fireyflies · 21/06/2022 15:04

If he's working most weekends does he get more time off in the week when you could see each other (in the evenings after you finish work) I think you can be happy for his career, but also ask a legitimate question of how he sees the relationship fitting in

Watchkeys · 21/06/2022 15:14

Why do you think it's selfish to want what you want? This isn't just about the lack of time together, it feels like you've not even been consulted about something that'll have a major effect on the shape of your relationship. Don't you think he's being selfish?

SVRT19674 · 21/06/2022 15:17

What´s wrong with being selfish? Does he have a problem with being perceived as selfish? Where does your relationship fit in? Is it way down the list for him? Time for a talk.

FemmeNatal · 21/06/2022 15:20

Watchkeys · 21/06/2022 15:14

Why do you think it's selfish to want what you want? This isn't just about the lack of time together, it feels like you've not even been consulted about something that'll have a major effect on the shape of your relationship. Don't you think he's being selfish?

He’s not taken the job yet and they are discussing it.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2022 15:22

How is taking a job he wants selfish? You don't live together, you're just dating.

Ballsaque · 21/06/2022 15:25

I work in the theatre industry so mainly evenings and weekends and DP works shifts!

I like having free time in the daytimes.

that said it’s not for everyone!

NewKidOnTheBlock99 · 21/06/2022 15:28

I was in this situation a few years ago OP! We had been together around a year and he got a new job which meant I would see him every 6 weekends and then he would have an odd weekend day off or two in that period. I was devastated and we almost broke up over it! Fast forward 10 years we are married with a DC - it is sometimes tricky to manage as bank holidays aren’t a thing (he has to book those off) and he has to use holiday for weekend stuff like weddings. If I’m honest it has its benefits, it meant that the weekends he was off I would keep free and we would do stuff and the other weekends I knew for certain I would see friends and we would do something in the evening. Could you see eachother on a weeknight? Would the job be long hours? I would sometimes stay over on a sat night and then have plans with friends on a Sunday and go back to his afterwards or just hang at his place (we lived around an hour and a half from eachother)

Calmdown14 · 21/06/2022 15:58

It really depends what he does. If this is the kind of step up that's necessary to progress, this is the time of life to do it before kids etc.

There will still be some of the weekend surely?

Watchkeys · 21/06/2022 16:02

FemmeNatal · 21/06/2022 15:20

He’s not taken the job yet and they are discussing it.

Show quote history

Oh, sorry, I misread it.

OP, you haven't mentioned your concerns to him about how little time you'll get to spend together, and yet you're concerned that he hasn't mentioned any concerns to you?

Can you see the imbalance?

baileys6904 · 21/06/2022 16:03

I'd love to see the responses if it was a male posting and a female with a new job. The first few responses would definitely be different

TedMullins · 21/06/2022 16:26

This is only as much of a problem as you make it. My boyfriend works during the day on Saturday and Sunday but we still have the evenings together. He also works occasional evenings in the week. We just plan around it. Unless he’s working 7 days a week, 12 hours a day surely you can adapt?

KangarooKenny · 21/06/2022 17:14

Tell him how you feel.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/06/2022 17:25

How long have you been seeing each other? That you’re not living together suggests this isn’t yet a very long term relationship. There’s not a chance I’d pass up a job I wanted, presumably with career profession and more pay, for a boyfriend who might not even work out anyway.

billy1966 · 21/06/2022 18:10

Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2022 15:22

How is taking a job he wants selfish? You don't live together, you're just dating.

This.

But I would not be spending my time waiting around for someone.

It might suit some to have a 1 in 4 weekends together or it might not.

If it doesn't, move on.

Original poster
Rockchk31 · 21/06/2022 20:47

Thanks for the mixed opinions. Some of you have have for me wrong, I haven’t said he is selfish, more wondering if Inam for being upset about it all.
I am going to speak to him about it when I see him this week.
We may have not been together long enough to be class led as long term but we are very much together and have discussed our future together many times.

OP posts:
Ruralbliss · 21/06/2022 22:15

I split up with a guy for a similar reason when the time available for 'us' got reduced down to practically nothing with ad-hoc last minute notice. I also had a busy life and wanted to plan things together.

I don't regret binning him off.

CrystalCoco · 21/06/2022 22:18

Yes I'd be bothered by this too and would be keen to find out when he thinks you will be able to see each other if he's working these new shifts

I'd go in non-confrontational, just a bit 🤔and see what he's thinking

If he's not considered it at all and doesn't seem to care, then there's your answer

If he's thought about it and has a plan, there's your answer

Good luck!

billy1966 · 21/06/2022 22:44

I definitely wouldn't be sitting around waiting for any guy one weekend out of 4.

As others have said a straight out question how is this going to work with us dobyou imagine?

If he tells you he expects you to justcfit in when you can, well that would be it for me.

There is nothing selfish in you suiting yourself, just as he has.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/06/2022 15:07

We are all responsible for our own careers.

If it's a good move for him at this time then of course he should take it. ,

How old are you both if you don't mind me asking? It also doesn't sound as if you have been dating very long.

With the hindsight of (too much) age and experience, I can't see this working out for you. Sorry.

But at least sit down and talk about it and express your fears.

FemmeNatal · 22/06/2022 15:09

Is this not a case of shirt-term pain for longer-term gain though?

I went through a period where my (now) husband was working until late at night most nights for a year, but it was something that was unfortunately needed if his career was going to go where he wanted it to.

movingon2022 · 22/06/2022 18:37

From my own experience I can tell you that this kind of work hours are very difficult to live with on the long run. My ex had a job that required him to work evenings and weekends, so we basically had two weekend mornings and two weekday evenings together. We were married and had kids at the time. This put enormous pressure on our relationship and our family life was messed up. I asked him many times to try and find a different job, but he did not listen to me. When he finally started working normal hours, some fifteen years later, he was surprised that I was not "happy" about it. What happened for me is that I basically learned how to live without him, did not need him anymore. I also resented him for not listening to me and considering my feelings and needs at the time. Our relationship never recovered.