Am I too strong a character for men?

[clumsypigeon]

N/C for this.
I am 51, divorced and single. I am very independent, work hard (in an all male environment) and have brought up my kids pretty much on my own. I would say I'm in good shape, take care of my looks and have often be referred to as 'sexy'.

However.... I just can't find a man!! I've literally been on hundreds of dates but I honestly think I scare them off with my confidence and independence. I'm a good listener due to my job, but I think I automatically go into 'mothering mode'.

Any tips on how to attract a lovely man??!!

Continue being your incredible self OP. You don’t need to change yourself a bit. A worthy man will love you just as you are. Keep looking.

If you aren't getting past date one with them then I don't think it'll be confidence or independence scaring them off. Not saying that these things can't be intimidating (to the wrong sort at least) but usually that insecurity doesn't kick in with them until later on.

More likely to be something like (sorry) bad breath or...just not clicking, scaring them off if you aren't getting past date one.

That being said, if my mothering mode you mean say, interviewing them about their life goals and why they aren't achieving more...or something equally intense then THAT may be scaring scaring off. Also, men don't want to date their mother...well...actually tbf, some of them do xD

How do U feel after the dates? I mean do you go go home thinking it went well and they just don't get in touch? Or do u generally know when its it's gone well?

Correcting - when it's not gone well.

Have any of the hundreds given you any feedback on why they weren't feeling it?

What percentage of the hundreds of dates were with men you found attractive, and for those dates, would you consider that you were flirting/warm/enthusiastic on those dates?

I don't know what "mothering mode" means in this context, can you explain what you mean by that?

How are you finding dates? Online dating was a nightmare for 'one date' types, who I expect were just looking for a shag really.

You seem to be describing two different modes: you’re confident and independent; but you also go into “mothering mode.” Maybe it’s the latter that puts men off. Can you recognise when you do it and work on some techniques to pull back?

I’m not convinced that being confident and independent puts men off, if the men you’re meeting are on a similar level in the first place. It’s never been an issue for the women I know, anyway. If you’ve been on literally hundreds of dates then that suggests you’re not being terribly discerning about who you meet up with, which means you’re going to have a much higher attrition rate than somebody who only accepts a date from people they think they have shared values with and a lot in common. How well do you get to know the men you meet, before you meet them? Do you ask them questions which might help you weed out the unlikelies beforehand?

Maybe you need to 'go high' in the type of men you choose. My, similar situation, friend was turning into an agony aunt for a series of bitter, frustrated men. When she met a successful, happy man (through work not OLD) she realised that she had set herself a very low bar on line.

There are a lot of dicks on OLD by your age just because a lot of normals are in relationships. There are also a lot of creeps who would be put off by a strong sense of self.

That said confidence and independence are attractive, not scary, to any reasonable man and if you have been knocked back by literally hundreds of dates I think there is only one common factor. Some possible causes:

I think I automatically go into 'mothering mode'.

I can't see any way this could be a good thing. How can you be independent and also want to mother men you've just met?

Am I too strong a character for men?

IMW the only people who ever describe themselves as strong characters are arrogant dicks. I should know, I used to be that way. I would question whether you are coming off as overbearing.

I found channeling my self confidence into not trying too hard and being very centred on dates helped. I stopped ‘giving’ very much of myself, stopped entertaining, story telling or generally pleasing them. I found I had more luck that way. Always got asked out and men seemed to be more keen to please. My husband being the most keen to please! I was 30 though when I last dated. I’ve done some work as a dating coach since and even the extremely attractive 50 year olds do struggle though. If you’re using OLD a lot of men your age will be distracted by a lot of the 35 year olds and even younger who will be willing to date them. Keep trying if it’s what you really want but I would work on keeping yourself very busy and filling your life up with other things other than finding a man in the meantime. Busy ladies are attractive!

I wanted to say this without sounding like I was putting the op down.
Op do you think you lack self awareness? No (half decent) man has ever been put off a woman being confident and independent, that tops a lot of mens lists even over looks. Your description of yourself contradicts itself. I’m not sure what you mean by ‘mothering’. And I agree with pp that anyone who describes their personality as ‘strong’, let alone ‘TOO strong’ is likely to be stuck up and arrogant. My guess between the too strong personality and the mothering is that you have a tendency to come across as superior and tend to make other people feel belittled.

By 'mothering' I just find that I probably ask too many questions about their lives on the first date, which more often then not, leads them onto telling me their life history/dreadful divorce/general hardships. Que me leaning across the table and saying 'there, there!' !! LOL!
I guess in the back of my mind I'm knocked by a comment my ex husband said when he left me for OW and that I was too strong for him and he just melted into the background.
If I'm honest... I probably push men away too quickly for fear of being hurt again. Self destruct mode?

If you can't stop yourself from asking questions (and that could be so there are no awkward silences and you're jumping in with both feet) then maybe think of some different questions, eg:

Favourite place they've been on holiday
Have they got pets
Whether they like gardening
Do they like going to the theatre/Glastonbury/cinema whatever
Sports
Food

That kind of idea. Stuff that tells you the sort of things they like or dislike, rather than dragging all the relationship/work/emotions stuff out!

If they're telling you sob stories on a first date, why aren't you the one walking away?

Where are you meeting them? Try elsewhere?

confidence and independence are usually attractive, what is off putting is someone endlessly saying how strong and independent they are.

Define "lovely"?

I suspect the problem is that the majority of men OLD are looking for a quick bonk and you aren't fool enough to fall for it. They realise immediately you won't be easy to con, and they move on to more vulnerable women.
Would you be better meeting people somewhere social with a shared interest. Try a shooting club or running club or a martial arts class. You can get to know people n a normal fun environment.

We sound similar, i will turn 50 next year!

I second what the PP said above about setting the OLD bar too low. I am confident too and my ex was often described as "youlightup's husband".

I had some horrendous OLD but mostly amusing. When I met my boyfriend I couldn't believe my luck. He was normal, fit and solvent with no horror tales of precious marriages etc. That was my 17th Tinder date.

I also met some fun people and am pretty horrified by the suggestion that you should ask about gardening.. we talked about travel, languages, bands, books politics etc. Normal, interesting stuff.

However, if you do ask and find out about previous disastrous relationships, you know who to swerve.

If you’re asking so many questions that you’re getting their entire life story on the first date that might be scaring them off. No one wants a first date to become an interrogation or job interview for the position of boyfriend. Try keeping things a bit light and fun, ask questions about interests and hobbies and so on.

If I'm honest... I probably push men away too quickly for fear of being hurt again.

I think this is more likely to be the problem OP.

I scare weak men too

its for the best!

im a big personality and don’t want to be with the kid of man who melts beside me. I need a partner who can hold their own, has their own life and interests and wash their own pants

ime most men are looking for someone easier to manipulate than me who will let them move in and start washing their socks and buying their mums birthday cards. When they realise I will in fact call them out on their bullshit and hold them to account they run a mile

i would rather die alone than fufill someone’s desire for a stereotypical wife so it’s working out for me!

Meet men somewhere other than OLD! You get too many men on their looking for girls half their age, or who are wannabe cocklodgers, or just looking for a shag.

You are almost certainly not making it past first date because you aren’t meeting anyone you click with. If you said you were meeting these gorgeous fascinating witty men who just didn’t seem interested in you, fair enough maybe it’s you. But you are meeting men who literally cry about their ex girlfriends on a date with you - it’s definitely them.

You really should not discuss former relationships in detail, it’s a killer, just mention briefly then move on to enjoying yourselves, you need to be having fun together on every date and don’t be afraid to ask him on a date. Physical looks are not a clincher, personality is more important, as is shared values and common interests.
I’m independant minded and also the “mothering” type, in practice both our lives have changed and we have very close likes and dislikes.

No (half decent) man has ever been put off a woman being confident and independent, that tops a lot of mens lists even over looks.

😂This is sooo not my experience. If only it was!

It’s a balancing act, men are usually confident and like to take the lead, but that does not mean that you can’t point them in the right direction.