Am I too strong a character for men?

[clumsypigeon]

N/C for this.
I am 51, divorced and single. I am very independent, work hard (in an all male environment) and have brought up my kids pretty much on my own. I would say I'm in good shape, take care of my looks and have often be referred to as 'sexy'.

However.... I just can't find a man!! I've literally been on hundreds of dates but I honestly think I scare them off with my confidence and independence. I'm a good listener due to my job, but I think I automatically go into 'mothering mode'.

Any tips on how to attract a lovely man??!!

If you have to be pointing him in any direction, I'd be pointing him towards the bin. Choose someone who's naturally right for you, not someone who needs you to give them direction.

I got hit on down the frozen food isle this lunchtime by a seemingly fairly decent guy. Pointless clearly because very married. But still..........

Try the more unusual food items isles!

I suspect the problem is that the majority of men OLD are looking for a quick bonk and you aren't fool enough to fall for it. They realise immediately you won't be easy to con, and they move on to more vulnerable women.

there’s truth in this. most men I’ve come across on OLD are simply awful.

“I guess in the back of my mind I'm knocked by a comment my ex husband said when he left me for OW and that I was too strong for him and he just melted into the background.
If I'm honest... I probably push men away too quickly for fear of being hurt again. Self destruct mode?”

This ^^

Your ex husband was using your (emotional) strength to justify his reasons for cheating?? Yes, because it’s easier to blame your strength than admit his weakness.

Perhaps independence and confidence aren’t the issue? Perhaps fear (of getting hurt again) is triggering your defence mechanisms and you’re actually scared and lashing out but fronting it with “lad banter” confidence? You’re confident in yourself, but have lost trust in other people?

Could it be less “self destruct mode” and more “self preservation mode”?

Whatever it is, carry on being you. The right person won’t trigger that urge to push them away and won’t be put off by your independence and confidence.

Online dating is a nightmare and it is not unusual to have many, many first dates before you find someone decent, if ever!

Plus there is no doubt that as you get to your 40s/50s it becomes harder as most men on dating apps/website believe they are entitled to date a woman in her 20s/30s and won't even consider someone their own age.

So maybe you need to try to also meet men in real life through hobbies, sports, travel, volunteering, courses and so on.

Maybe also make sure that you keep a first date with anyone you meet online short so you won't waste too much of your time if there is no spark. Cut down a bit on the amount of questions you ask them so it is a bit less intimidating for them if that is where the issue is.

Frankly the type of fragile men who are put off by a woman's confidence are not the ones you want to date anyway!

Have you ever discussed this with a therapist? What was your marriage like, and your childhood?

Is it that you're 'scaring them off' or are you choosing not to pursue further dates with them? Do you flirt with them and are able to access that side of your personality? I find as a single mother with a demanding career, so much of my time is focused on that task-oriented, deliver-deliver-deliver mentality that it took a while for me to access the side of me that had felt really quite lost and hidden after a traumatic marriage/divorce and years of being a mother and putting everyone else first. I'm two years into dating and am really enjoying rediscovering sexual me, flirtatious, adventurous, impulsive, and a bit mischievous me - the woman who was there all along but was covered up somewhere along the way with all that responsibility.

I don't think it will be your 'alpha' characteristics - unless there is some avoidance or self-protection going on that you could benefit from discussing with a therapist. Perhaps worth doing that to see if it helps?

(For comparison, I'm also a 51 year old high-achiever considered to be attractive etc etc etc... and my journey has been one of amazement that so many men do seem to want to date me... but I say that more because I've battled for much of my life with self-esteem issues bubbling away beneath the superficial confident exterior!)

Horrified? Gardening is normal ffs. Millions of people do it - and talk about it. Have you any idea how many more people developed an interest in their gardens during lockdown?

And yes, it is interesting. A bloody sight more interesting than sodding politics.

Yeah what's wrong with gardening ffs if you both like it?!

It sounds like you are interviewing them rather than having a balanced conversation also opening up yourself?

I fall into this sometimes (also a work habit) but if you do it in an intimate setting it does prevent real connection, which I imagine might be the problem.

So then the question is is this just a habit, or do you think you are avoiding intimacy?

“It sounds like you are interviewing them rather than having a balanced conversation also opening up yourself?”

I agree with this OP.

Whenever I’ve felt “interviewed” by a potential partner it’s given me the ick and It has the opposite effect on me so I shut down. It just seems too intense too much too soon, an interrogation.

What about going on “doing” dates instead? A shared activity where the conversation can be around that and you get to know how the person behaves rather than what the person thinks? (plus it won’t invite their poor me / there there there stories)

I'm very surprised that you haven't had any love bombers. In the awful terms of female dating strategy, you are a high value woman looking for a high value man. I'd imagine the men you are looking for are busy fucking young attractive women, because they have more power in the dating game.

Honestly, I doubt it's your confidence. Some men may be put off by a woman with confidence (the wrong men) but lots would have valued that.

You say you may come across as mothering. What do you mean by that? Do you think you may patronise them? Dominate them? Come across as overbearing? You've obviously accomplished a lot and I wonder if, unintentionally, you position yourself in a dominant way against a potential partner which isn't attractive, especially at the beginning when they won't know enough about you to realise underneath you're not like that.

You don't need to change yourself but adjusting how you communicate may be needed and tbh that's something lots of us could improve.

I always recommend the Rules.
It worked amazingly for me, and if nothing else is working it could be worth a try.
You can find it free online if you search hard enough and it only takes a night to read.

Trade up. You’re going for men who aren’t good enough for you so you’re probably quite intimidating to them. Go for the more successful, better looking, sexier, more confident men - the ones who are your equal, who don’t need mothering.

If you're in the north west, I'm available🤣

You've been on hundreds of dates with men who fitted your criteria? I find that amazing as I'm the same age as you, and I rarely find men who tick all the essential boxes for me to bother with a date. Do you speak to them in the phone before you go to meet them? Did they all sound like they had potential?

Who instigated meeting? If it's you, take a step back and let them suggest it. You'll soon filter out a lot of time wasters

Yep, this, the men you are currently dating, probably don’t feel they have anything to “offer” you, especially if doesn’t go past the 1st or 2nd date.

If I was a young attractive woman in my 20/30s (which I have been) there's absolutely no way I'd want to shag a man in his 50s!

It's a myth that men are getting stunning young women to shag them willy-nilly just because they are online.

I think it's more the opposite - older women can easily find young attractive men to shag because those men know those women aren't looking for anything serious and it's just about the sex.

There's something about being a leadership kind of person that can mean we get in our own way. If you're forthright and decisive it can be tempting to solve problems - rather than give the man the space to reveal himself. I am crappy at sitting with ambiguity. Will he call? What shall we have for dinner? I tend to leap in and answer all questions straight away and overly take the lead.
So I get men who are a bit passive- or pit others off. Don't know if any of this resonates?

It’s both, plenty of women go for older men, some women also go for younger men for sex, although I don’t actually know any that have much younger boyfriends. I guess the difference is wanting casual sex rather than a relationship
It’s not just about sex though, it’s security and being comfortable, older men are likely to be more settled and financially secure. You do have to choose well if you are OLDating and make sure they really are genuine and honest before you commit.

Your answer is in the title of your question. As if half of humanity could be unable to handle your perfection. Get over yourself, it'll help.