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Original poster

Opinions on male female friendship?

103 replies

mangomuncher · 21/06/2022 09:53

Hi all - asking for opinions on this situation please.

I'm happily married and started a new job about a year ago, which is pretty much my dream job/career. I absolutely love the team and have become friends with them quite quickly. We're often all out for drinks together, group WhatsApp, individual texting etc. There is one man at work who is my age, single and super friendly/smart/funny - overall an enjoyable person to interact with. I do not find him good looking at all. We work closely together and are often emailing throughout the day about necessary work matters. I'd say we were friends & have been for drinks together as a group. A few days ago he expressed exasperation about a work colleague matter that couldn't be discussed over email and I told him to give me a call about it (this would be normal for us).

However he sent a voice note to explain everything to my personal WhatsApp and we've ended up chatting on and off for the last few days, sometimes until 11pmish. Nothing inappropriate at all, sometimes play the messages in front of my DH as they're funny, have mentioned my DH multiple times during the convo. DH unbothered. Does this seem inappropriate? There's nothing flirty at all in the messages but the convo is ongoing. I can't work out if I'm encouraging something I shouldn't be. I guess I usually only develop close female friendships naturally. Colleague is extremely outgoing and chatty to everyone & I'm enjoying the chat because we work in a field that we can't really talk to outsiders about. I'm probably overthinking right? Thanks!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 21/06/2022 12:21

Furrbabymama1987 · 21/06/2022 12:14

Sounds OK I theory but every male friend I've had has had a flirty undercurrent.

That's not universal though, that's just your experience. You can't assume that that's what's happening for OP, or advise her on the strength of it. She is actually telling us that she doesn't think there's a flirty undercurrent.

Watchkeys · 21/06/2022 12:24

@TedMullins

I do wonder what people think bisexual people do regarding this issue. By the logic of many here, you'd have to nip every friendship in the bud in case it went too far...

CockSpadget · 21/06/2022 12:45

@Doggydarling totally with you, it amazes me too. I also have some really good male friends that started off as colleagues more than 20 years ago. Men and women can have plenty of things in common, in our cases it was music, sport and gaming (and going out and getting absolutely wankered).
Also, as a bisexual woman, am I not meant to have any friends at all?

motogirl · 21/06/2022 12:48

There's nothing wrong with having opposite sex friends but I wouldn't be chatting to a colleague or female friend either that intensely or late unless they were a very close friend (I have one person in that category) and it was a true crisis;has happened). After 9 ish it's our time together not chatting on the phone

vasi34 · 21/06/2022 12:58

So i am reading this treads on mumsnet and reddit and wanted to see other people's opinion and how they think. My question is? So what if they are just friends ? What about the time you are taking from your dp to give to that friend and if it is a lot of the time, wouldn't that pose an issue on your relationship? Do you guys think it's ok to give the same amount of that to a friend , with your dp? Looking forwards fo replies.
Thank you.

Crikeyalmighty · 21/06/2022 13:08

@TedMullins I didn't think @LongPath is saying there's anything wrong with that at all, it's when it then gradually starts leading in different directions- as she said-- that's how many affairs start sadly- not as intentional, but simply a friendship that then gets more intense and especially if your own relationship has cracks or you are the kind of person that gets a buzz from the intensity of new relationships - I found the book just good friends incredibly accurate about this .

Madcats · 21/06/2022 13:16

Since I was a teenager, I've always had men in my friendship circle (at school, Uni, work...as a parent). I never felt the least bit attracted to them/ vice versa and most are either in secure marriages or confirmed singletons.

DH goes out with friends from work and it doesn't bother me in the least.

I'd be a bit miffed if he was faffing about with work stuff all evening though.

Larsson11 · 21/06/2022 13:20

My hunch is that he is keen on you and if you're happily married he shouldn't really be having late night chats with you. Most men don't really want women as "friends", they want something more.

KateNickolson · 21/06/2022 13:24

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LongPath · 21/06/2022 13:27

Crikeyalmighty · 21/06/2022 13:08

@TedMullins I didn't think @LongPath is saying there's anything wrong with that at all, it's when it then gradually starts leading in different directions- as she said-- that's how many affairs start sadly- not as intentional, but simply a friendship that then gets more intense and especially if your own relationship has cracks or you are the kind of person that gets a buzz from the intensity of new relationships - I found the book just good friends incredibly accurate about this .

Yes, thank you, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Of course there's nothing wrong in discussing films, but that's how "good people have affairs". It is completely innocent in intent to begin with, although with hindsight you'll admit that it was a bit intense compared to a normal friendship, but each stage develops naturally and all the while you convince yourself that it's just a friendship, one thats oh so important to you, until it's too late.

Cath57 · 21/06/2022 13:32

Larsson11 · 21/06/2022 13:20

My hunch is that he is keen on you and if you're happily married he shouldn't really be having late night chats with you. Most men don't really want women as "friends", they want something more.

I agree with this.

Sometimes they will form friendships in niche hobbies like crossfit where gender doesn't come into it so much as it's more about supporting each other whatver the gender. Close cross gender friendships might also develop when you're 'in it together' like the emergency services though.

I genuinely can't think of a man who would have phoned me up for a friendly chat my entire life unless he wanted to speak to DH and I answered.

Crikeyalmighty · 21/06/2022 13:37

And I know about it , because I've both been there and also been on the receiving end of such a friendship -

Watchkeys · 21/06/2022 13:54

Lots of people on the thread are talking as if their experience is universal. It isn't. Some men and women can be platonic friends. Some can't.

OP, it's a friendship until one or other person does something that doesn't fit what you define as friendship, at which point, things change, either because you state your boundaries, you decide to have a relationship, or you withdraw. There's no risk, unless you think a) he will disrespect your boundaries or b) you don't trust yourself.

Despite the many attempts here, nobody can tell you what he's thinking, or whether the two of you can be friends.

Larsson11 · 21/06/2022 15:37
Villagewaspbyke · 21/06/2022 16:03

EarthSight · 21/06/2022 10:38

Sometimes until 11pm? Unless your industry keeps unusual hours, I would consider the fact that the way you think about this interaction might not be how he views it at all. Depends what you want to do about that really.

You say you don't find him attractive.....and.....so? Doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive. You say that you've mentioned you have a husband....this may not bother him if he, and apparently unattractive guy, thinks he's in with a chance with a woman he finds attractive and he gets on with.

@CharSiu

However when I became single and again when DH and I had a rough patch it was amazing how some male friends suddenly declared feelings or changed the way they behaved towards me

You know, the women on this board often come across as incredibly naive. I would expect this with women in their 20s, or early 20 especially, but with grown women it still surprises me. It's basically the equivalent of a child covering their eyes during hide & seek, thinking that if they can't see you, then you must not be able to see them! Except, this time, it's grown women insisting that because they don't find their male friends attractive, and things are platonic on their part, then this MUST be what their male friends feel as well.

We've all heard of men who misjudge a situation where they think perfectly ordinary ordinary behaviour like smiling is sure sign that a woman fancies them. It's a type of wishful thinking projection. The same can happen the other way around where it's the women wants to think that something is platonic, when it's not quite that simple.

Not saying your friends definitely fancies you OP, and people can have mild crushes or think someone is quite without it being an issue, just presenting a different view.

@ComtesseDeSpair Make a delightful example of the defnesive knee jerk reaction that I've seen a few times, which basically goes 'BUT WHAT ABOUT BISEXUAL PEOPLE'. And???? If you are bisexual or gay, you are absolutely free to figure out what's best for you as you fit. Other people also have that right, and just because it's not in alignment with what you want, doesn't make it wrong.

I don’t think I’m naïve because I don’t assume all men fancy me. I have a number of close male friends who I have always had a platonic relationship with (decades). I doubt they secretly fancy me.

It’s perfectly possible for people of the opposite sex (and indeed people of the same sex) to have platonic relationships. I think it’s just as bizarre to think that all gay people can only have opposite sex friendships as it is to think all straight people can only have same sex friends.

Villagewaspbyke · 21/06/2022 16:04

Also just because you talk at 11pm doesn’t mean someone fancies you. It’s not the 1950s!

Villagewaspbyke · 21/06/2022 16:08

Cath57 · 21/06/2022 13:32

I agree with this.

Sometimes they will form friendships in niche hobbies like crossfit where gender doesn't come into it so much as it's more about supporting each other whatver the gender. Close cross gender friendships might also develop when you're 'in it together' like the emergency services though.

I genuinely can't think of a man who would have phoned me up for a friendly chat my entire life unless he wanted to speak to DH and I answered.

Show quote history

That’s really sad @Cath57 Do you have a brother or father you speak to? Many men do have female friends and are perfectly able to have normal relationships as they are fellow humans.

AclowncalledAlice · 21/06/2022 16:23

My best friend of almost 40 years is a straight man. I have no desire to sleep with him nor him with me.

BlueShoesKate · 21/06/2022 16:56

I'd just apply some care on this. I've no issue with male/female relationships but yours does come across as a bit intense and maybe needs some boundaries, ie the very late night texting.

I have no male friends btw, plenty of colleagues/acquaintances, but all my friends are women. Just how it's panned out, I'm more comfortable with female friends. I'm gay, if that's even relevant. Some PP's have added that to their posts , as if it does have relevance. I wouldn't usually carry on text conversations into the late night with colleagues. It doesn't feel appropriate, but I'm a gay woman in a Senior position and can do without anything being misconstrued (which has happened to a friend).

User1406 · 21/06/2022 21:59

LongPath · 21/06/2022 11:01

That's the issue in these sorts of relationships, people don't walk away.

This week, it's fine because we're only talking about work at 11pm

Next week it's films or music and in jokes.

Then, fancy a drink? Mike and Sue from the office will come too.

We won't bother inviting Mike and Sue this week....

By this time you're intimate "friends" and it feels perfectly normal to discuss your relationship...

Then you spend more time planning time with him than you do with DH, but "nothing happens".

Show quote history

This. You'd be amazed at how fast lines can be blurred.
Most affairs do start in the workplace too.

It seems that it is just a friendship at the moment. But if you're having concerns, you know yourself and your relationship best. Maybe it's time to take a step back. The texting until 11pm is a bit much really, even if it was a female colleague.

Watchkeys · 21/06/2022 22:20

Most affairs do start in the workplace too

And a much greater proportion of friendships start there, too.

You'd be amazed at how fast lines can be blurred

Not if OP has good boundaries, they can't. This is such a passive way to phrase it, as if lines blur on their own. Affairs happen because people want them to, and allow them to. They don't happen 'to' people.

WhiteCircles · 21/06/2022 22:23

Watchkeys · 21/06/2022 22:20

Most affairs do start in the workplace too

And a much greater proportion of friendships start there, too.

You'd be amazed at how fast lines can be blurred

Not if OP has good boundaries, they can't. This is such a passive way to phrase it, as if lines blur on their own. Affairs happen because people want them to, and allow them to. They don't happen 'to' people.

Hmm, but long text conversations at 11pm, doesn't really suggest good boundaries...

Watchkeys · 21/06/2022 22:25

Hmm, but long text conversations at 11pm, doesn't really suggest good boundaries

Why? What boundary is being crossed?

FloydPepper · 21/06/2022 22:27

I think if you were posting about your husband doing what you’re doing you’d get a clear “it’s not on” response

i think you know you’re blurring the line a bit, and whilst you’re not yet playing with fire, you’re eyeing up the matches…

WhiteCircles · 21/06/2022 22:33

Watchkeys · 21/06/2022 22:25

Hmm, but long text conversations at 11pm, doesn't really suggest good boundaries

Why? What boundary is being crossed?

You really think it's normal boundaries to be chatting late into the evening with a colleague you've been messaging all day?