That moment when you knew your marriage was over

[Bluffysummers]

I think my marriage is failing/ over /dead in the water and maybe has been for a while.., what were your moments when you knew wow this just isn’t working anymore? Did you walk away then and there or was there another moment that made you walk away?

When he had to cut short our holiday - AGAIN - because of work.

I said "fine, we'll have one week all together, then you can fly back and I'll stay on holiday with dc". He suggested it would be too difficult for me that I was unable to manage on my own. In reality, he left to fly home and instantly everything was so much easier - I was lighter, happier and actually enjoed the remainder of my holiday. I know then that I would be better off on my own.

There were loads of really awful moments that should have been the end but I didn't have the energy or mental health to do what needed to be done. The one where I knew it was absolutely over was when he came back after a night out and it was light outside. He came in and took the stash of cash we kept in the house and left again without a word while I stood and watched him. It was like looking at a stranger. He was clearly off to buy drugs or be with another woman - both I found out later. But I was there and he just looked straight through me as though I was a piece of furniture. There was nothing left. He still expected we'd stay married though and became violent when I wouldn't budge. That was the day I got him out a few months later. Had to call the police to help me though.

Death by a thousand cuts here also.
When he grabbed me by my throat and threw me against the wall.
When I’d cry after a row and he stopped trying to make it up to me, comfort me etc.
When I’d dread coming home from work wondering what mood he’d be in.
When I started fantasising about him dying as I saw that as the only way I’d be free.
When I started imagining what my single carefree life would be like when the kids were old enough and I could leave.
When I fell in love with an old friend and knew this was how it was supposed to be. I left 2 weeks later. Been married to said old friend for 10 years now and yes, this is how it should be.

When he prioritised everyone and anyone over me.

When he refused to take me on dates.

When we spent most evenings sat in silence.

When the only interest he would show was when he wanted sex.

When he made the dc cry because he didn't care about upsetting us.

When his response to reason was well I'm the man so I decide.

When he'd conveniently have a headache about 5 mins into any of my family/friend events and would insist we all needed to go home immediately.

When I realised that if something happened to me he probably would not even shed one tear.

Those of you who have split, how often does your ex see the kids?

My greatest fear about splitting up is only seeing my kids half the time.

So many of these ring true for me. The eulogy and other couples- just the awareness of how loving some other couples are. It can really highlight how lonely and unloved you feel. Also, the point blank refusal to admit that they're drunk 😔

I think I have realised my marriage is over. My attempts to get my husband into rehab have failed, I'm scared to be in the house with him and he would rather break up than get help for his mental health issues and addiction.

Solidarity, OP. It must surely be better to be by yourself and have a chance to be happy than to be so unhappy within a marriage, or so I'm hoping at least.

I was in a park with my gorgeous dog on a beautiful day and he started his usual venomous texts. I just expected them and felt nothing. Put my phone in my pocket and just knew it was over. Never felt more free.

Honestly a bit of both.

There had been a build of small things that had become big things, issues that in isolation could have been brushed over but in combination with other things couldn't.

Trying to force sex or intimacy even though I had repeatedly said no.

But the real killer was when I told him I was going to stay elsewhere for a few days as I needed to clear my head and he felt that the appropriate reaction was to block my exit and then throw me across our kitchen.

At that point there was no going back for me. It was my line in the sand.

We haven't had direct contact since.

When he booked and went on a long weekend for himself abroad whilst my Mum was ventilated in ICU and I didn’t know my arse from my elbow….

When I came home early and my middle-aged husband was stood in front of the mirror in little girl clothes.

JFC. What an utter pig. Really shocking to read.

When he tried to force me into a marriage and went ahead to book it when I said no

The defining moment was the day he tried to kill me
Luckily I survived and fled with two small babies
Fcking rat
Let him burn in hell

Love to all of the posters who have been there too 😢😢😢

When we went out for the evening and realised we couldn't think of anything to talk about. It was completely flat. What I hadn't realised was that he was depressed and had been for a long time and then didn't want to do anything about it.

When I found the secret email address he’d been using for multiple affairs, dozens on prostitutes and hook ups since our engagement. I was 5 days from giving birth to our 3rd child. I saw videos of him having sex in my bed. He had moved a woman in when I went away for 2 weeks with our 3 and 5 year old to give him space to mentally prepare for our next child when 8 months pregnant. That’s just a brief snap shot of the nightmare. There’s so, so, so much more. He continues to torment me almost 7 years later but I’m finally learning how to cope with the onslaught he deals out.

I think this thread may contain some quite traumatic examples. They are nonetheless relevant but it is also ok to end a marriage if it just feels like hard work.
Mine was due to a dream. I had a dream I was older and sat in the sun in a garden. I was reading a book and the faceless man next to me was reading too. He looked over and squeezed my hand and went back to reading. I realised this would never be my ex. He didn't read. I love books. He was also never still or calm. I just knew I didn't want to grow old with him.
I still worry about him and care about him and my children find it difficult at times. Sometimes I get a horrible chill all over my body like what have I done. How could I be so selfish, he never hit me. But I realise that reaction was just a hangover from putting my own needs last for 16 years.

Omg these stories are chilling. Similarly, mine was when I was away on a work trip and ds called me, he was about 5, mummy mummy please come back daddy is scaring us.

He was drunk and barely could stand.

When he stole from my family and denied it.

He crashed the car drunk with the children in it.

It took 2 years to escape and I walked away with my sanity intact, he is now a sad homeless alcoholic and my life is amazing and my children are safe.

ExH was highly abusive and also had a degenerative illness which affected his movement considerably.

After years of abuse, he threw a drink in my face because I hadn’t helped him quickly enough, despite it being the third time he’d woken me that night. He frequently didn’t take his medication so I’d have to help him more. That was the last straw for me.

I left two weeks later, with 40k worth of debt he saddled me with and lost almost everything. Still trying to rebuild my life two years later.

Death by a thousand immeasurably cruel cuts over 2 years, which ended in arriving home from work one day to find he'd moved out and taken every last symbol he'd ever lived in our home. I had no idea.

Despite being in shock, the relief of his dramatic final act was almost instant.

Turned out he'd been leading a double life for a year or so, at the time he left he had got his OW pregnant.

I found out 4 days after he left I was pregnant too. The following 2 years, being pregnant and having a baby, together with trying to divorce the bastard, were unbelievable.

Fast forward 10 years and we haven't seen or heard from him since. DS is 10, I'm single. Almost grateful his OW got pregnant.

coercive control. gaslighting. threatening and bullying my son. seeing sexworkers. not working. no money. more controlling. made me think i was going mad.

the day we got married i have never felt so sad and empty and alone but i didn't have the nerve to cancel it.

thank fuck he is now miles away from me and there was a non-mol on him and i hope he rots.

Bloody hell there are some truly shocking posts on here. Thank god everyone has consigned these crap partners to the bins they deserve.

Both of my husbands were of the death-by-a-thousand-cuts variety, with a sprinkling of suspected infidelity. The first one also had gambling chucked in for good measure.

The thing was, I stuck my fingers in my ears and la-la-laad for two years at least before I decided I'd rather be on my own for the rest of my life than be with them. The second husband was marginally better, in that (afaik) didn't gamble, but the overriding fault with them both was a distinct lack of respect for me (although of course they both hid it very well at first).

Also, with the second husband I felt so embarrassed at my inability to pick a good man- not just once, but twice. I think I'm better at it now, but I don't think I'll ever get married again.

Probably when I started Googling things like "My husband shouts at me in front of our baby" although the biggest one was when he forced me to tell my mum that she wasn't to have anything to do with our DD (she was 3 months old at the time). I was brainwashed at the time and went NC with my mum for a good few months until my Google research gave me my lightbulb moment that I was being emotionally abused and controlled. I left with DD (she was 8/9 months old) and stayed in women's aid refuge for 2 weeks. I came back to him as he made promises to change etc...left again 4 months later and haven't been back since (would've left sooner, but broke my back in a car accident over Christmas).

When a previous partner and father of DS got drunk on Bacardi and beat me up on my birthday

When, after 13 years of me bending over backwards to look after his every need and assuming that if it came to the crunch he'd find it within himself to do the same to me, I found myself pregnant and he told me I'd ruined his life.

I wasn't married but there were a couple of serious incidents that made me look at him with absolute disgust. I couldn't bear the sight of him in the end and his voice made me cringe.

He called me a cunt etc
He told me I was annoying
He told me I was inventing life threatening illnesses for attention (I almost died because I didn't seek medical attention)
He told me I was to blame for his erectile dysfunction because I wasn't trying hard enough
The sex was frequently abortive and made me very tense at the idea of it
He drank himself stupid almost every night
He told me it was going to be my fault if he killed himself and left his children without a father (my own father commited suicide, which he knew)

I feel nothing but relief that the relationship is over. It was horrible. I have no idea why I stayed as long as I did.

Well said.

And the funny thing about the traumatic experiences is that at the time, they can seem almost trivial! That's how wired up we can be to discount our own needs.