That moment when you knew your marriage was over

[Bluffysummers]

I think my marriage is failing/ over /dead in the water and maybe has been for a while.., what were your moments when you knew wow this just isn’t working anymore? Did you walk away then and there or was there another moment that made you walk away?

There were two moments really one was I'd started a new job and someone made me a cuppa and put it down in front of me on my desk. I looked at it and said "wow, thank you, that's the first drink I haven't had to make for myself in probably a year" they said "oh sorry I didn't realise you lived alone!" I said "I dont".

Then after that, around 6 months later on Christmas eve I went to the cabinet to get out the 4 bottles of spirits I'd bought 7 days prior for the festive period. They were all empty, in a week. The realisation of how much his alcolism had progressed and I just hadn't realised sickened me.

He would just stay up drinking watching the most deeply boring documentaries in silence just drinking after I went to bed alone. It was no life.

The next day it was over and I moved out two months later. We still aren't divirced as he's dragging proceedings out as painfully as possible.

Yes exactly, and usually abusers are adept at making you think it’s all in your head. They also revert to hoovering and being nice in between. If it was terrible all the time you’d leave so much quicker, but you doubt it. And try to rationalise.

in my case though I was financially trapped. Knew I’d end up losing my dogs, which I did.

I feel so sad for so many years lost.

We/I had arranged to take our children to a nearby zoo on the Sunday. He came home really late Saturday night/Sunday morning pissed as usual. I woke him up early to get going. We took a small picnic. He walked at warp speed through the zoo in front of us. We sat and ate our pic -nic watching all the other dad's playing football with their children. He just sat there no interaction with us. We went home early so he could go out again.

We had sex and he initiated something we never did, no reason, we just didn't do it. I realised then he had someone else and suddenly everything made complete sense. He moved out - 2 doors away with his young tart and her mother.

1st marriage, when I found myself rehearsing how to tell him it was over after he was violent.
2nd marriage, he was an alcoholic and obsessed with an 80s male pop singer, dressed like him wore make up like him, played the same songs incessantly (sounds funny but it becomes torture after a while), oh and our marriage was completely sex less.
I now live on my own, it's lonely sometimes but I have no one to please but myself, he's re marrying soon, good luck to her, she'll need it.

Probably when I started not wanting sex with him, when everything he did became annoying including breathing 😬. I didn’t leave for years, it took another man flirting with me to realise I no longer loved dh, dh had told me for years that if I left no one would want me so another man showing interest made me realise dh was wrong.

I'd been thinking about it for a year or more, knew I needed to do it, that it would be for the best, but it was such a huge step.

Two things happened that made me determined (one was a key person in my life whose opinion I value had noticed some of what was happening and basically told me it would be OK if I walked away, making me realise people around me wouldn't judge; the other was particuarly bad behaviour by DH on a special occasion that made me realise he would always put himself ahead of the DCs).

Then the third and final thing - I became aware that DH had developed a new addiction when his existing addiction was already damaging him, me, us. In that second I made my decision. Told him there and then. Saw a solicitor a few days later and started proceedings (I'd already spoken to them months earlier so knew what to expect).

For me it helped to 'feel' my way in to it. Saw a solicitor to see how things might pan out. Sat on that information, took their advice about what information I might need. I felt better having just taken that step. It meant I knew what I was going to do when the day came. It also meant I had no qualms that I'd rushed in to the decision. And when it came to it, the process didn't feel as scary as I'd imagined it for months before.

Sounds like his ideal marriage would have been to Tony Hadley 😁 (or whoever it was)!!!

If it had been Tony Hadley at least I'd have fancied him lol

also it's taken me a while but now when i'm in a photo i look happy (tbh i look ecstatic in every photo (there aren't many)) and i can actually look at the photos of me.

when i was in that hideous place with that hideous being i couldn't smile but i didn't realise it at the time. my mouth was tightly shut. due to the control (which i didn't even realise at the time) and the sadness. now my gob is wide open and i could catch flies/pigeons/etc.

has anyone else had this?

Not so much my smile but I remember seeing a photo of me at a wedding, I looked terrible, wore clothes like my mum, badly fitting as I bought second hand and I looked ill almost. Then a few months after I left my ex I went to another wedding, bought a new outfit, nothing like I'd have worn with my ex (too expensive and too 'sexy') and my colour was back, I looked my age and healthy in the photo

Sort of... when I was 3 months out of the relationship with my ex, I bumped into some old neighbours in the supermarket. I was just in chucked on clothes and no makeup, but they told me I was looking "radient" and so happy. They didn't know I had split up with my ex.

My moment wasn't as horrendous as others here. My period was late and there was a week or so when I might have been pregnant (wasn't, thank god). But I was worried sick about it, despite being in a 6yr relationship and knowing I wanted children in the future. I realised I couldn't bear having kids with him: he was very rigid and always right and I realised how much of myself I'd lost over the years. His reaction to the scare also helped me to go, he literally said "well it doesn't really matter either way does it" and wouldn't talk about it again.

so interesting re: the photos and how other people see people after a hideous trauma like a hideous relationship.

so glad you've seen the real you and that your friends have seen a radiant you too. that's the evidence. has really smacked me round the head like a brick seeing photos of me looking happy and zero fucks given etc etc.

I feel like this too, lots of things have happened over the last 2-5 years and I’m just not happy anymore. I feel torn at wanting to keep my family together and wanting to be on my own. I know staying together for our DS is wrong but I haven’t got the courage to speak up as of yet.

I know I should’ve ended it properly when he was messing around with someone for the third time but I stayed and now I’m unhappy again.
sometimes I wonder if it’s me and I’m just unhappy and I need therapy or something but then I’m happier away from him so that probably says a lot.

When he snarled at me that 'you brought all this on yourself.' Him sleeping with his secretary, clearing his stuff out of the house when I was at work and leaving me a note to say he was leaving, back and forthing between me and her, persuading me to sell the house and buy one elsewhere for a fresh start and then pulling out of that purchase leaving me homeless....I looked at him and thought, 'You're an arsehole. Why did I never see it before and why on earth have I been fighting to keep you?'

When I no longer found him physically attractive & the thought of him touching me repulsed me. I’d be interested to hear what men would say actually

so interesting re: the photos and how other people see people after a hideous trauma like a hideous relationship

I went to live at DM's until I could find a place. Decided sod it, I deserve some retail therapy (vy unlike me) and came back, showed DM and DGM what I'd bought. Both commented on how much happier I looked and how much more interested in life.

Suggest you start another thread if interested in that.

That was my husband
everything was a burden
every day trip rushed
I may as well of been a single mum
except when he was out and everybody’s mate

good riddance to bad rubbish
my straw was lockdown
it became so obvious he couldn’t bear to be in the house with his family.

was it Simon le Bon?

Lockdown seems to have been a turning point for so many relationships

I think this thread should go in classics.

He stole money from me and the kids. He was lying about lots of things but I found out he was sharing images of me without consent and had been for years....this was the kicker for me leaving.

Nobody so glamorous lol it was Gary Numan.

When neither of us could bear to be in the same room together & then when he raped me. It still took me a fortnight before I got my head into the stage where I left with ds, I didn't report the rape to the police for another month, I kick myself every day for not reporting it straight away, he might not have got away with it if I had.

oh gosh I can empathise with all of these things. So glad you are happy now though