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Original poster

Tell me about your happy FWB arrangements

33 replies

IsntItIronicDontchaThink · 20/06/2022 20:55

In an uncharacteristically bold move, and after loads of really disappointing experiences with OLD, I posted on Fab seeking a FWB.

After a lot of sifting through dross and moving some to offsite messaging I've started meeting up with a few to see if we connect.

Now that it's getting close to reality, I want to start thinking about what needs to be in place for a FWB thing to be genuinely positive.

Tell me your inspiring stories about how it works for you, please?

(And I know it's resulted in marriages for some but that's genuinely not what I want)

OP posts:
Sclover0604 · 20/06/2022 23:14

I had one for a few years who was actually unhappily married but was staying in the relationship for his own personal reasons. I never wanted a full on relationship as I was still putting myself back together after my marriage broke down so it worked well for me. We were both very clear over what we had to offer ie sex, but the “friend” part was important to us both as well, although we never crossed the line in developing feelings.
it ended amicably when I was ready to start dating and he was ready to leave his relationship - we agreed at that point we needed to cut all contact so we could both move on.

Hiddenvoice · 20/06/2022 23:20

I had a fwb with a distant friend. We hadn’t seen each other for years but when we met up as part of a group, we just clicked. Both of us were not looking for a relationship and both agreed it was just for fun. We started off just texting before meeting up just the two of us, as friends and then progressed to a sexual relationship. It was fun, lighthearted and we knew we could rely on each other. We would talk just like friends but overtime we began to develop feelings for each other. We decided to end it as it wasn’t a good time for either of us. We still meet up as friends as part of a group. There’s still a spark there between us but we easily returned to being just friends. I know for others this maybe wouldn’t have been so easy.
I guess it will be different for you as you won’t have an established friendship to begin with but thag might be easier when you go to move on from them.

User1406 · 21/06/2022 12:10

Surely what you're looking at is "no strings attached" rather than "friends with benefits" since you're not actually friends with the person.

It can work if you draw boundaries. No constant messaging, no checking in/up all the time, no obsessing, otherwise it turns into a relationship really.

Also, you mention you are looking for FWB because online dating was a bit of a fail. Do you think that there's a chance you could fall for whoever you end up being FWB with? Sounds like you want a partner but are settling for a FWB. That's a recipe for disaster.

thelastshadowpuppet · 21/06/2022 12:44

Well my FWB and I have fallen in love with each other and it's going great.

Sorry, not helpful!

Twizbe · 21/06/2022 12:48

I had one at uni that worked well.

We respected each other and could hang out as friends in a group and alone.

We went on one date and realised that we wouldn't work as a couple but were still attracted to each other

It ended amicably when we both met people we wanted a relationship with.

ZekeZeke · 21/06/2022 12:48

Sclover0604 · 20/06/2022 23:14

I had one for a few years who was actually unhappily married but was staying in the relationship for his own personal reasons. I never wanted a full on relationship as I was still putting myself back together after my marriage broke down so it worked well for me. We were both very clear over what we had to offer ie sex, but the “friend” part was important to us both as well, although we never crossed the line in developing feelings.
it ended amicably when I was ready to start dating and he was ready to leave his relationship - we agreed at that point we needed to cut all contact so we could both move on.

That's an affair, not a FWB

Truepostromance · 21/06/2022 12:52

You both have to see each other as actual human beings.

You also both have to know you could do better than the other person, that is, you are absolutely clear you would NEVER want an actual relationship with that person, even if you both in a place to have a relationship. And you need, in your head, to be able to clearly articulate why you would never want a relationship with that person.

Neu · 21/06/2022 15:29

For me it's always been respect, continued context outside of just arranging to meet up. I have to find them attractive and interesting as we interact when we meet not just wham bam...!

It's worked out well for me every time I've done it and all are still friends!

Kitten2 · 21/06/2022 16:44

It didn't work for me. I got feelings and it was all pretty painful. Still is.

Looking back at where it went wrong... probably too much messaging, fantasising, wanting him. Being too available to him. Feeling slightly rejected at times. The connection was too strong and it became painful to be apart (for me) and we didn't express emotions so keeping it all in was a mind fuck too.
The sex was incredible, best of my life.
Didn't make it worth it.

If I ever did it again I'd keep it infrequent, casual and not someone i fancied too much.

Lavendersparkles22 · 21/06/2022 17:16

I currently have 2, both met on Fab. I'm distancing myself from the first one as he's trying to get into boyfriend territory with texts every day and wondering what I'm up to amongst other things. I'm 100% not looking for a relationship as I'm too busy, and it's very very liberating. My body confidence has shot through the roof, and I genuinely have a laugh with both guys in and out of bed. I need the connection as friends before I sleep with them, as I just can't turn myself on and off that men seem to be able to do.

Just stay safe, have a trusted non fab friend who knows where you are.

iklboo · 21/06/2022 17:26

I'm married to mine. 18 years this October.

iklboo · 21/06/2022 17:27

Sorry - posted too soon. I do know a couple who are happy just to hook up every now & again for no strings fun, go out together sometimes. They've known each other about 8 years now.

Ilosthim · 21/06/2022 17:34

I find it hard. I have to really like someone to enjoy great sex with him but when i really like someone, i end up developing feelings!!! Catch 22 and I've been hurt a lot. Be careful, eyes wide open!

oldageprancer · 21/06/2022 17:37

God you did well to sort through the dross on Fab! Must have taken forever!

sammylady37 · 21/06/2022 19:19

Truepostromance · 21/06/2022 12:52

You both have to see each other as actual human beings.

You also both have to know you could do better than the other person, that is, you are absolutely clear you would NEVER want an actual relationship with that person, even if you both in a place to have a relationship. And you need, in your head, to be able to clearly articulate why you would never want a relationship with that person.

I don’t necessarily agree with this. I have an FWB at the moment, and if I wanted a relationship, he would be a great candidate. But I don’t want a relationship. It’s not about being able to do better than him, it’s about not wanting the committed relationship in the first place.

I think for FWBs to work, there needs to be honesty and respect. Anyone who starts to develop feelings should own up straightaway and the other party should end it… doing anything else will lead to upset for the one who has feelings.

Some may not agree with this, but I also think having more than one FWB helps, as it means you don’t have to see any of them too frequently. I have 5 on the go at the moment! 2 are long-standing (as in 3-4 years), one approx a year, and two much more recent. variety is the spice of life!

sammylady37 · 21/06/2022 19:21

Meant to say, while I totally agree about no constant messaging, no ‘good morning’ texts etc, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to text in between meet ups.. if I see a tweet or article one of my gentleman friends might be interested in, I’ll send it to him and vice versa. I don’t think it has to be too clinical in terms of only contacting when you want a hook up.

Original poster
IsntItIronicDontchaThink · 22/06/2022 22:31

These are all such helpful observations, thanks.
@User1406 No, I definitely do not want a partner. But I don't want a succession of NSA sex only hookups, IMO the 'friend' thing is where a mental connection plays a role - should make the sex better and maybe the pre- and post-coital convo at least a little entertaining.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/06/2022 07:09

Im in one
he’s got a shed load of personal baggage and so have I
neither of us could manage a more traditional boyfriend girlfriend set up
we meet weekly or so for , sex !

there is a fondness there definitely
we probably text a bit too much , which blurs boundaries a bit

but it’s working for me so far
neither are shagging others

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/06/2022 07:10

And yeah the friends bit is both critical bit also blurs boundaries !

mrspick · 21/07/2022 19:04

I am thinking about getting into a FWB scenario and this is a great thread but what is OLD and FAB?

Fabswingers · 21/07/2022 19:12

For women the golden rule is to have atleast 2/3 fwb. I know it sounds disgusting (to some people maybe) but it’s the only way to really protect yourself from feelings and it doesn’t matter if they cancel because you have others is your going out somehwere and want company. You don’t have to be sleeping with them all, all of the time, but don’t just have one because even when your confident you won’t catch feelings, it’s easy to do!!

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 21/07/2022 21:03

sammylady37 · 21/06/2022 19:21

Meant to say, while I totally agree about no constant messaging, no ‘good morning’ texts etc, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to text in between meet ups.. if I see a tweet or article one of my gentleman friends might be interested in, I’ll send it to him and vice versa. I don’t think it has to be too clinical in terms of only contacting when you want a hook up.

Well yes as you would do that with any friend, wouldn't you?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/07/2022 21:18

mrspick · 21/07/2022 19:04

I am thinking about getting into a FWB scenario and this is a great thread but what is OLD and FAB?

Online dating
fabswingers.com - swinger site. Don't click if nudity offends!

sammylady37 · 21/07/2022 21:22

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 21/07/2022 21:03

Well yes as you would do that with any friend, wouldn't you?

Show quote history

Well I would, and do, but a lot of people think that to prevent feelings of misunderstandings developing with a FWB, it needs to be very strictly contact to arrange a hook up only, and nothing in between meet ups.

OldFan · 21/07/2022 21:58

I had a very bad experience with an 'F' WB.

Don't let them be rude/insulting to you, or push you into things you don't want to do. End it if you feel coerced or used/disrespected in any way.