Please help us get our friend out safely

[MrsPicklesonSmythe]

A very dear friend is in an extremely controlling and abusive marriage. They have been together for 15 years, have two dds (approaching teens) and jointly own their home.

She is constantly monitored, tracked and we believe he may be using keystroke trackers on her phone as well as the location trackers she knows about and email hacking. The controlling behaviour is extreme and I would not rule out other surveillance. The dds are not being abused but she is concerned that the split would be damaging to them.

She has reached a point where she is ready to leave but he has threatened to run up extensive debts, trash the house and ruin her financially if she does. We know he's done similar before so its not an empty threat.

We don't know if he's hurt her physically but believe he would do anything to stop her leaving so we are aware that this is a dangerous time.

Her family will be supportive and our group of friends will be too. She's too embarrassed to talk other than to a couple of us right now.

Please could anyone give us practical advice on how we can get her out of this safely? We are giving non judgmental, emotional support from a distance but we need a to help her with a real plan.

Has she been in touch with Womens Aid?

From experience - and as frustrating and soul destroying as it is - you can't do a lot unless she is willing and able to take action herself. You can support her and listen to her, but she needs to be the one who makes the break and seeks professional support. You can't do this for her no matter how much you want to.

I say this as the sister of a woman in an awful relationship. I have had to watch her being controlled and manipulated. She is miserable, but won't leave him. I can't do it for her.

And yes - you can help her plan and offer a place for her to escape to. That's the sort of practical help she will need.

Has she said she is ready to leave?

Yes she's ready to leave she has a time frame of just over a month as they have a holiday planned in a few weeks she'll go after they get back.

She's said she'll contact womens aid today but we are worried about her calls and other activity being monitored

Could you get her a burner phone he doesn’t know about?

sending strength to your friend!

Can you get a basic non-smartphone (one that just texts and calls) for her and a cheap sim (assuming he tracks her spending too)? They can't be tracked or monitored. Women's Aid recommend doing that.

We thought about getting her another phone but we thought this would be more dangerous if he found it

I agree with getting her a burner phone, although only if he's not got surveillance up inside the house

Can you report to the police, or at least ask advice?

This is scary. I'm glad she's ready to go. Does she work or have a reason to be out of the house? She may need to plan during times she is somewhere he can't track her.

She's been wfh since covid and can only speak to us on dog walks there are very limited reasons she can leave the house and he video calls constantly when she does. Eg if she comes to my house she has to do a complete 360 of the room to confirm who's there

Perhaps one of you could keep the phone for her for now? She can transfer over all her contacts ready for when she leaves and use it for calls now when she is out of the house.

She can call the police and he will get arrested as it's a criminal offence now. They can check her phone as proof. If she leaves she can call the police and give herself some room to think and get herself sorted.

We all live around an hour away otherwise we'd definitely keep it for her.
Would it be crazy to hide it in a waterproof box somewhere she can access on her dog walks?

Agreed. As it is this extreme, this may be the only safe way for her to leave.

I think a buried waterproof box with a cheap phone. She can access on her dog walks. Nothing on it to connect to her - if it's found for example, no one can find her via it.

Jeezo. So worrying. Thank god she has good friends. I'll post a list of things that could be helpful later.
But for now.

A grab bag at one of your houses. With photocopies of important documents. Clothes & pyjamas for her & the girls. Money, if she can squirrel some away from housekeeping or whatever. £10 here and there.

Sending love

Can you contact womens aid on her behalf?? The less she does, the less danger she is in.

Explain the situation, get all the information you can and go from there

It sounds like she needs professional support in leaving. If he does have a tracker on her phone and cameras in the house she needs to be very careful.

A cheap and basic pay as you go phone, hidden somewhere outside could be a good idea but how would she charge it?

Can you arrange to meet her for coffee or join her on a dog walk so she can use your phone to phone for help?

Alternatively, can she just leave with the DDs and figure things out when she's safe? Does she have access to money?

When she was ready to leave, a friend of mine told her ex that she was going shopping with her DC. She bought a Costa at a local drive thru, popped to a cheap clothes shop for some basic clothes, left her phone in a bin in the shopping centre and then drove to her parents. Once there she called women's aid and the police. They helped support her move to somewhere safe. Would something like that be an option for your friend?

Report the fucker to the police.

for your friend and good luck!

Just wanted to say it's lovely to see she has support. I really hope she gets away safely. I have found the police now take this sort of thing extremely seriously having recently supported a neighbour through something similar. Good luck

Can she smuggle her essentials out to your gradually on dog walks? She needs to contact womens aid (use your phone) and get the name of a suitable solicitor too

A second SIM would be much easier to hide and she could just pop it in to call Womens Aid…

Other thoughts: you meet her on her dog walk and she slowly smuggles important documents to you- birth certificates, passports, drivers licence, bank details etc.

If he ever leaves the house, one of you pops round and slowly takes stuff for grab bags- a few pairs of underwear and changes of clothes for each of them etc. Or if you have enough money, maybe as a group you could buy them a couple of sets of cheap t shirts and trackies and pants each from primark or somewhere and have them in bags ready?

Ultimately the biggest thing is a safe space to bolt to. And when that day comes, if she leaves when he’s out for a couple of hours or whatever, a couple of you go round and fill your cars with as much stuff as possible. But I’d be guided by Womens Aid on that, and tbh it sounds severe enough that I would involve the police too.

My advice is to call women's aid and get their help as to how to best get her in contact with them. There are local branches she can visit for refuge and people who will take her phone if it's being tracked, and walk it on the route her husband expects her to take whilst she is getting assistance. She can also go to the police's domestic abuse support team.

Best of luck, you sound really wonderful.

If he's going to create havoc whenever she goes, and it will never be a good time to leave him, let's face it, why not just go and grab her and the DCs right now? Screw the holiday, frankly!
If he kicks off, fine, have him arrested. Or maybe do that anyway?
Wishing you best of luck on your mission.

This is such a dangerous time, especially with such a high degree of control. She can't risk using her own devices. Does her dog walk take her anywhere near public phones she could use?