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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I see now that I’m the last priority for my husband.

32 replies

alphasox · 20/06/2022 09:14

Last week I injured my back badly. Saturday it was so painful I had to crawl out of bed to the loo. Said to OH that he needed to take the day off for the kids (10 and 3). He refused and went to work, apparently it was impossible to move his appointments.

His dad is in hospital at the mo and he has re-arranged all his appointments this week so he can be with his mum. His mum is not elderly, drives, is coping fine.

my back is still painful but improving. but I’m left working, doing school runs and looking after the kids alone.

If I pull him up on this he’s going to say IABU as his dad is in hospital isn’t he? So what do I do? What do I say?

it’s just really making me sad as it’s not unusual.
he always puts his business, his parents, his friends and every one else above me and the kids. Everyone says how amazing he
is at helping our, how he would do anything for anyone apparently.

just not me 😢

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 20/06/2022 09:17

How long are you prepared to put up with this for?

Shoxfordian · 20/06/2022 09:19

He’s shown you that you’re not important to him

How long are you going to put up with it?

Weatherwax13 · 20/06/2022 09:19

I'd be getting shot of him. Don't put up with being put last.
You don't need such a terrible husband: you'd be better off without.
And don't bother about other people's opinion.
Yours is the only view that matters.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/06/2022 09:20

Don't stay with such a selfish man for the supposed sake of the kids either.

Be tired of being the last one who matters to him here.

Pinkbonbon · 20/06/2022 09:35

He basically said 'no fuck you' you when you really needed him. So I'd be saying 'no, fuck YOU' to him and leaving him tbh.

He's a phoney and an arsehole. Life is too short.

tukker · 20/06/2022 09:39

My exh was exactly the same!

Dozycuntlaters · 20/06/2022 10:42

You ARE the last priority for him. The question is.....what are you going to do about it?

Pollydonia · 20/06/2022 11:13

Have you told him, not in the heat of the moment or an argument but a proper grown up conversation?
If so, what did he say ?

ZestyMaximus · 20/06/2022 11:19

I'm so sorry, but you're right. You are not a priority to him. You, however, CAN make you a priority for YOU. You can do this by leaving him and looking after yourself (and your children of course). Much easier when you are no longer having to prioritise HIM in your life.

mrsm43s · 20/06/2022 11:46

I really think it depends how unwell his dad is, and why he's in hospital.

On the whole, I would expect an adult with a sore back to be able to cope (especially with a 10 year old around who could help with reaching or lifting etc), and I would prioritise supporting my parents if one of them was seriously ill in hospital. But obviously if his dad has an ingrowing toenail, or something similarly minor then he's got his priorities wrong.

Maybe I'm biased because we sadly lost my MIL last week. But I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting my DH to prioritise being with me over visiting his mum/supporting his dad (who isn't elderly and can drive!) for something like a bad back. I literally encouraged him to spend all of his time with them, because they needed his support, and I willingly took on more of the load at home.

Pippa12 · 20/06/2022 11:54

I agree with @mrsm43s entirely.

mamas12 · 20/06/2022 11:58

Well you need to prioritise you from now on then
arrange someone to give lifts to dc to and from school
basic housework
order food in
look after yourself
and do what you need and want to do for you and your life

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/06/2022 11:58

Do nothing for him, do nothing to facilitate his life!

totallyoutnumbered · 20/06/2022 12:02

My EXH was the same. It broke my heart but I knew I deserved better and left. My DP would do absolutely anything for me but it took me so long to accept this as I'd normalised been bottom of the list. I hope you know that you deserve so much more x

courtrai · 20/06/2022 12:02

My ExH was exactly the same; one memorable moment was when he left me at home with 2 small children and I had pneumonia. He was/is a hairdresser and his appointments were more important than my health/our children

Similar thinking was applied to childbirth/parents evening/family time

Needless to say I divorced him. Best decision of my adult life. Get rid

GreenManalishi · 20/06/2022 12:10

I think it depends on the situation with his dad at the moment to an extent, but if this is just another in a long line of examples I wouldn't bother pulling him up on it. People are doing what they want to do, and showing you with their actions all the time how important you are to them.

Instead of the focus being on him and what he doesn't do and how he makes you feel, focus on what you want and what steps you need to take to get it. If you can't rely on him to be there for you, stop, and make other arrangements. This could be developing relationships with your friends and getting support from them and your family instead of him, or ending the relationship.

I do know that asking someone to give more of a shit about you is not the way.

BornIn78 · 20/06/2022 12:10

I think some PP’s have missed the point - I’m sure your injured back and his refusal to help in any way is just one of a long list of examples you could give.

I used to have one of these types, everyone thought he was wonderful, “he’d do anything for anyone” kind of guys. Except for me. It was definitely an ego/white knight thing with him.

You’ll never come first because it’s all about his public image and the adoration he gets for being so wonderful.

Ohthatsexciting · 20/06/2022 12:13

Impossible to say

depends on his job

if people were relying on him seriously then very difficult to cancel at the very last minute

Anniefrenchfry · 20/06/2022 12:13

I can see both sides to this. If he’s already rearranged everything once for his father to do it again can be an utter nightmare. On the flip side if this is an unusual request from you he should have sucked it up, howver if it’s one in a long line, I can see why he might say no.

Anniefrenchfry · 20/06/2022 12:14

BornIn78 · 20/06/2022 12:10

I think some PP’s have missed the point - I’m sure your injured back and his refusal to help in any way is just one of a long list of examples you could give.

I used to have one of these types, everyone thought he was wonderful, “he’d do anything for anyone” kind of guys. Except for me. It was definitely an ego/white knight thing with him.

You’ll never come first because it’s all about his public image and the adoration he gets for being so wonderful.

Do you know the op then?

KnitOnePearlOneDropOne · 20/06/2022 12:14

I really think it depends how unwell his dad is, and why he's in hospital.

Completely agree.

Ohthatsexciting · 20/06/2022 12:20

KnitOnePearlOneDropOne · 20/06/2022 12:14

I really think it depends how unwell his dad is, and why he's in hospital.

Completely agree.

And also his job!

ChimpMcGarvey · 20/06/2022 12:22

it’s not unusual
he always puts his business, his parents, his friends and every one else above me and the kids.

If he’s always done it he won’t change now.

It’s unfortunate for him that your back injury has coincided with his father being in hospital, because it’s really highlighted to you the disparity in how he treats you compared to others.

Now all you need to decide is whether you’ll continue to accept it.

SafferUpNorth · 20/06/2022 12:28

@alphasox I am guessing this is yet another incident in a long list of examples you could give of times he's put everything else ahead of your needs, while not being there for you when you need him. ..

Anniefrenchfry · 20/06/2022 12:31

SafferUpNorth · 20/06/2022 12:28

@alphasox I am guessing this is yet another incident in a long list of examples you could give of times he's put everything else ahead of your needs, while not being there for you when you need him. ..

For there to be a long list of examples there needs to be a long list of requests