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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To Honey Trap or Just Walk Away

39 replies

NoMoreShit · 20/06/2022 05:52

A fiend on OLD has sent me a screenshot of my partner of 3 years on there. He's soon to be my ex partner so if anyone is interested in a socially inept, miserly, 51 year old with erectile dysfunction, dm me & I'll happily give you his details.

And no, it's definitely not an old profile. It's got a 3 day old photo on it. He's created the profile while I've been away having medical treatment. What a Prince eh?

I'm not even going to bother confronting him about it because he'll have somehow justified it to himself as all being my fault. Problem is I catch him out, then call him out for his shitty behaviour & he calls that me being abusive. He lies so much I don't think he knows the truth anymore & his attitude is 'you were never meant to see that message' (when a woman he was fawning over sent me a screenshot of the fawning) 'so it's your fault you're hurt'.

Had enough now. Bollocks to him. Only decision is how I end it. Just walk away or let my friend arrange to meet him then turn up on his 'date'? It'd be nice to catch him red handed & burst his inflated opinion of himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMoreShit · 20/06/2022 05:54

Just to clarify. My friend is on OLD herself, it's not a friend I've met on OLD.

OP posts:
Thisismesadly · 20/06/2022 05:55

Use your time and energy to put things in order to leave.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 20/06/2022 06:01

I wouldn’t bother. Spend your time and energy packing his stuff to leave.

lothermand · 20/06/2022 06:02

Agree with @Thisismesadly I think your anger can be channelled better.

The initial 'euphoria' of catching him out, will be short lived, and just another bullet in his arsenal. I'd just cut him dead, no explanation, nothing, silence is deafening and confusing, that's the only punishment required here.

Good luck OP, it's bloody shit isn't itFlowers

Bhu · 20/06/2022 06:05

It won’t burst his inflated opinion of himself, it’ll just be more of the same shit where you are the ‘abusive’ or ‘crazy’ one.

Just walk away.

girlmom21 · 20/06/2022 06:08

Definitely just walk away. Keep your dignity.

Original poster
NoMoreShit · 20/06/2022 06:09

lothermand · 20/06/2022 06:02

Agree with @Thisismesadly I think your anger can be channelled better.

The initial 'euphoria' of catching him out, will be short lived, and just another bullet in his arsenal. I'd just cut him dead, no explanation, nothing, silence is deafening and confusing, that's the only punishment required here.

Good luck OP, it's bloody shit isn't itFlowers

What a great strategy, thank you! That'll drive him nuts.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMoreShit · 20/06/2022 06:10

Bhu · 20/06/2022 06:05

It won’t burst his inflated opinion of himself, it’ll just be more of the same shit where you are the ‘abusive’ or ‘crazy’ one.

Just walk away.

Very true.

OP posts:
SandyWedges · 20/06/2022 06:12

I can absolutely see why you're tempted but no I'd just walk away.

DaftyLass · 20/06/2022 06:13

I agree, ice him out

Thisismesadly · 20/06/2022 06:15

See the longer you are engaged with this game the less energy you are using on healing and moving on.

TheGirlOnTheDragon · 20/06/2022 06:17

It's not about whether it would drive him nuts OP, it's about it being MUCH better for you.

You have put up with this much too long already. Much too much. It's fantastic you have the strength now to do it so do it and do not look back. He nevers hears from you again, blocked on everything.

That will give you so much strength to make a fresh start away from this abusive bastard, because you will know YOU made the decision and cut him off.

Isaidnoalready · 20/06/2022 06:21

It's tempting isn't it? But what would be the point he will never believe he is in the wrong

Seraphinesupport · 20/06/2022 06:51

thing is , if you catch him and let him know then he will think your only leaving because hes cheating so to speak and his ego wont be hurt but if you walk away and just act like you cant be bothered for losers anymore and just not into him, he will be hurt that his big man ego has just been dumped.

Just dump and move on, no explanation just a really simple " I Just don't like you" :D

DFOD · 20/06/2022 07:05

His behaviour is vile and doesn’t deserve your finite headspace and emotional energy. This character has already depleted and eroded you enough.

As others have said use that energy to power you on to a better place not engaging with him further.

He doesn’t deserve you.

Put him in the rear view mirror and focus on the road ahead.

Only thing you need to reflect on is why did you need such a red line to walk - there must have been countless incidents of bad behaviour before (even just how he reacts to feedback) that were unacceptable to anyone. Use this as an opportunity to reflect and learn what better boundaries are.

What is his relationship history? I suspect there were lots of clues there.

MsJinks · 20/06/2022 07:08

I’ve been told they were only on a dating site to see if I was stalking them, and they knew it was me - a million excuses they can give you to leave them in the ‘right’ and you feeling in the wrong. Super tempting- I obviously get that -but it won’t work like you think, and honestly do put your focus and energy elsewhere - you’ll feel better faster - best of luck getting shut!

Original poster
NoMoreShit · 20/06/2022 07:11

DFOD · 20/06/2022 07:05

His behaviour is vile and doesn’t deserve your finite headspace and emotional energy. This character has already depleted and eroded you enough.

As others have said use that energy to power you on to a better place not engaging with him further.

He doesn’t deserve you.

Put him in the rear view mirror and focus on the road ahead.

Only thing you need to reflect on is why did you need such a red line to walk - there must have been countless incidents of bad behaviour before (even just how he reacts to feedback) that were unacceptable to anyone. Use this as an opportunity to reflect and learn what better boundaries are.

What is his relationship history? I suspect there were lots of clues there.

His relationship history is full of 'broken' women who move on when they regain their self worth..... just like me, time to move on. He's going to be a very lonely old man.

OP posts:
ThisWormHasTurned · 20/06/2022 07:48

The only way to “win” with him will be to get him out of your life. I would just say you want to split, it’s not working for you. Don’t even get into ins and outs. Are you living together? What’s your situation? Hope you can get away from him quickly.

DragonflyNights · 20/06/2022 08:12

If he always turns it back on you then you can bet even if your friend did honey trap him he’s doing say something like “I knew it was you and friend the whole time, I just wanted to see if you were paranoid / crazy / abusive enough to go through with it’ or words to that effect. He might also enjoy knowing you went to so much trouble to catch him out. Therefore the total silence idea is the best - it’s true that people like how you describe him hate that!

RoyKentsChestHair · 20/06/2022 08:17

MsJinks · 20/06/2022 07:08

I’ve been told they were only on a dating site to see if I was stalking them, and they knew it was me - a million excuses they can give you to leave them in the ‘right’ and you feeling in the wrong. Super tempting- I obviously get that -but it won’t work like you think, and honestly do put your focus and energy elsewhere - you’ll feel better faster - best of luck getting shut!

Yeah he’ll make some excuse about checking up on YOU and that you’ve proved you’re crazy or something.

Just dump him, tell him it’s the ED or something Grin

Original poster
NoMoreShit · 20/06/2022 11:53

Thanks everyone, I'm really grateful for the advice. I'm thinking more clearly now the initial shock & anger has passed. Silently moving on & not looking back is the way to go.

OP posts:
5128gap · 20/06/2022 12:24

I knew a woman who did a similar thing. Her cheating partner tells the story to anyone who'll listen, with himself cast in the role of hilarious lovable cad. 'I've had a few near misses, but the only time I got caught out...' etc.
Don't give him material.

thelastshadowpuppet · 20/06/2022 13:10

Years ago I turned up on a date with my now ex husband.

Twat.

Basilbrushgotfat · 20/06/2022 13:12

I'm so sorry op Flowers

wellhelloitsme · 20/06/2022 14:13

Drop the rope, don't sink to his level.

"This relationship isn't working for me any more. My mind is made up and a clean break is best so I'm going to block you as there's nothing else to discuss. All the best."

Then follow through.

If you have stuff at his and it's in any way replaceable, leave it there for him to sort out. If you don't need it back (eg it's not a family heirloom, it's not something necessary for work etc) then it's a price worth paying to have the dickhead out of your life for good.

If he has stuff at yours, box it up and send it to his address either at work or home. Done. People will say you shouldn't and you should just chuck it, which I understand, but gives him the opportunity to have an 'excuse' to chase you up and contact you.

Otherwise you'll go there to exchange stuff or vice versa, you'll end up talking and by the end of the conversation you'll both come away thinking he ended it with you and you'll feel shit again.

This way you're reclaiming control and making a conscious choice to move on.

Good luck OP Flowers