How to handle MIL request!

[IfYouOnlyKnew]

DH is very LC with his DM. She is probably an alcoholic, was very abusive to him and his DF (now divorced) when he was young, physically and emotionally. She will be nice for a while then starts sending him abuse by email, message, calling him all sorts and telling him how awful he is. She hasn’t seen our DC for 3, getting on for 4 years. They are now 6 and 4. He only messages her about the kids, how they are, how they are doing at school etc, basic info. She isn’t interested in this. Doesn’t respond to these messages then talks about herself. She favours one child over the other and is rude to me. She constantly messages him and gets angry when he doesn’t respond within a couple of minutes. He only speaks to her via whatsapp, refuses to speak on the phone and she is blocked everywhere else. She gets very intense and expects long phone calls, constant messaging, regular visits and he stopped all that 3 and half years ago.

She hasn’t asked for nearly 4 years but today she has asked to see the DC at some point. He wants to say no because he doesn’t want anymore to do with her than the little he already does but he feels he should as she is his mum. It’s always his decision if he wants to see her or not but I know he doesn’t want to really. Do I discourage it? I don’t want the children around her really but is it my place to decide that for him? He is struggling with saying no and explaining why. She won’t accept no, she thinks she has never done anything wrong to him so this will lead to more verbal abuse.

Any tips? Should we see her with the kids? If he says no, how to explain it? She won’t accept ‘no’, it will have to have some kind of explanation, his step dad will then get involved wanting to know why. What have you done before in the same situation?

Hell no. She's been nasty to you and DH - her DS - she'll be nasty to your DC. Your DC will gain nothing positive from knowing her. I don't understand this 'oh, she's my/his DM ... many vile people have kids and grandchildren. Doesn't mean they supine part of their lives. Stick up for your DC and refuse to see her.

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I'd let her come round for a couple of hours for tea and cake. She might have a strained relationship with her son but she hasn't actually done anything wrong with her grandkids has she? Apart from not see them (but now she does want to).

And it doesn't matter if there's verbal abuse: block her. Are you honestly saying that you'd rather expose your DC to this toxicity than have her be angry?

I’d be making it very clear I didn’t want her around my children. I don’t really know why he’s entertaining the idea at all… well I do I suppose, obligation, guilt, ‘you only get one mum’ that crap. No, I think I’d be making a stand here and protecting my children. She’s never cared before, and she’s an abusive toxic alcoholic.

My "D"M was a total bitch and does have limited contact with the kids although she doesn't sound as bad.

In disagree with letting her come to you. We only ever visit my M in her home and the first snide comment we all leave. No drama, I just say "get your things DC, it's time to leave".

I would not invite her round but would suggest a meet up at a neutral venue where the visit could be short. Ie suggest they come and see DC at the park or soft play
That way she has to make some effort and the visit can be cut short.

Fuck no don't expose your kids to an aggressive alcoholic.

He doesn't need to give an explanation or excuse - what's the point? He'll just be giving her ammunition to throw at him in her next abusive email.

Stepdad can get told to mind his own bloody business.

You and your dh are a family with your children. Your job now is to protect those children.

Stand firm.

And if you think getting the Stepdad involved is a possibility, ask your DH to think this through before replying and read up on Flying Monkeys before he does reply.

I'd never heard of Flying Monkeys until I read about them on here last year.

It's one of my M's favourite tactics although she doesn't try it with me as she'd know I'd just laugh and tell them exactly what's been going on. She's a bigger fit it with my DSis though, who thankfully is getting more wise to M's tactics.

Thank you everyone. I agree with bits of everything you have all said. I’m swinging between the no way is coming anywhere near my kids and if he wants to see her we should. She has never done anything in front of the children previously other than ignore me but she does favour one and I don’t think that’s fair on them, they would notice now.

I definitely agree on the venue being neutral and not having her at our house, I will definitely say that to DH as a minimum. Really he just wants her to leave us alone so maybe I need encourage him to tell her that!

Can't you just say something vague like oh yeah that would be nice one day? Then not instigate it.

I think it's a bit weird your DH keeps her updates about how the children are but then would refuse contact at this stage. Perhaps a few hours at a park together as a compromise. But I wouldn't be messaging her details of the children's lives- she doesn't ask or need to know.

I think you need to put your foot firmly down, and protect your children from this woman.

It actually doesn't matter what reason your DH gives, does it? She will deny any wrongdoing on her part anyway.

If you were to do this maybe your husband should meet her first alone, in a neutral venue, to get the lie of the land before arranging a short meeting (hour or two) with the children somewhere neutral if you are both happy to. Do not do this in your home.

She does ask about the kids. Her messages will start with how are the children because she knows he will message back to that. So he tells her then she ignores it and starts talking about other things. I don’t know why he messages her about them, she doesn’t really care. He hasn’t responded yet to her, he is trying to think how to word no without it blowing up too much.

Don't allow abusive people or alcoholics around your kids. That's pretty much parenting 101 if you want your children to grow up emotionally healthy.

My ex had similar with his father. He denied any wrongdoing and every attempt at explanation became him twisting things and getting nastier. You need to be really blunt with people like that and give them no opportunity to twist what you say. For us it was "I don't allow people who call me 'useless prick' around my kids" "I don't allow people to meet my kids who called their mother a 'bitch'" etc. Just repeat that but insert something she has said or done which is undeniably wrong behaviour.

The contact isn't going to be welcome or beneficial by the sounds of it, in my experience the crucial thing is laying down crystal clear boundaries, the irony was the clearer and more absolute these are ( you need to leave by midday, if your out of it you're not coming in) - the more the lines are actually respected.

In your circumstances I would support DH to say "no". No explanation needed. If he wants to give one then I recommend honesty -"we've found your behaviour in the past difficult and don't want our children to see that" if asked for an example you could point out her ignoring you.

Tbh though I wouldn't engage in a discussion.

Maybe ask your DH how he thinks he would feel if he didn't have to deal with his mum at all.

For many years I had a difficult relationship with my dad, he went NC with me after my mum died (they were long divorced and he was insisting on bringing his new girlfriend - younger than me - to meet my mum while she was on her deathbed, I refused to give him the address). 3 years on and I wish I'd done it sooner. There's a family gathering of that side next month - I'm not going and won't take the kids, one of which he doesn't know about - why would I risk exposing them to the emotional crap that I had to deal with?

I would love to have a dad who I had a great father-daughter relationship with. I've come to realise that it's never going to be possible to have that with my dad. In a way it's sad, it's also incredibly freeing because I no longer feel the need to try.

Your husband is intimidated by her.

No chance she should be around your children.

Ask him if he would like you to be the bad one that says No.

Then say No.

I’d make it easy for him by saying “no”. He could obviously do it anyway but I’d let it be my fault.

Really he just wants her to leave us alone so maybe I need encourage him to tell her that!

So instead of no, just deflect a little and say something like, this is not good time right now so will be in touch later.

An outright no will get a reaction, a passive no is easier to handle. You owe her no explanation.

I am eternally grateful to my mum who cut off her alcoholic parents to protect us. We never saw their abusive behaviour, but I know my cousins did. One of them was really affected by it and it's had life long ramifications.

My advice would be not to let her into their lives for their own protection.

No. You and your husbands role is to protect your kids not appease an abusive bully.

It doesn't even sound like she is making an effort to warrant either of you even considering this if she is just going to ignore you and favour one child. Or get abusive if she hears the word no.

Perhaps just ignore the request and change the subject in the same way she ignores updates she receives about the kids if you don't feel comfortable saying no.

I would however be inclined to say no, and then when she starts point out that her reaction is precisely why contact is limited and her latest outburst further reinforces why you don't want your kids expensed to her.

*exposed not expensed.

Surely she has realised contact has been reduced?

What benefit is there for your children? I totally see how complex it is for him but you need to think of your DCs needs first and that is very much your place to say no from that perspective