How to handle MIL request!

[IfYouOnlyKnew]

DH is very LC with his DM. She is probably an alcoholic, was very abusive to him and his DF (now divorced) when he was young, physically and emotionally. She will be nice for a while then starts sending him abuse by email, message, calling him all sorts and telling him how awful he is. She hasn’t seen our DC for 3, getting on for 4 years. They are now 6 and 4. He only messages her about the kids, how they are, how they are doing at school etc, basic info. She isn’t interested in this. Doesn’t respond to these messages then talks about herself. She favours one child over the other and is rude to me. She constantly messages him and gets angry when he doesn’t respond within a couple of minutes. He only speaks to her via whatsapp, refuses to speak on the phone and she is blocked everywhere else. She gets very intense and expects long phone calls, constant messaging, regular visits and he stopped all that 3 and half years ago.

She hasn’t asked for nearly 4 years but today she has asked to see the DC at some point. He wants to say no because he doesn’t want anymore to do with her than the little he already does but he feels he should as she is his mum. It’s always his decision if he wants to see her or not but I know he doesn’t want to really. Do I discourage it? I don’t want the children around her really but is it my place to decide that for him? He is struggling with saying no and explaining why. She won’t accept no, she thinks she has never done anything wrong to him so this will lead to more verbal abuse.

Any tips? Should we see her with the kids? If he says no, how to explain it? She won’t accept ‘no’, it will have to have some kind of explanation, his step dad will then get involved wanting to know why. What have you done before in the same situation?

Say no. She was not a good parent to your husband when he was growing up and she has not changed in all those years since. Protect your children here from such a malign toxic influence. If a parent or relative is too difficult or otherwise too batshit for YOU to deal with, it’s the same deal for your kids too. You also would not tolerate this from a friend.

What can she really do here other than scream and shout if you say no?. Nothing.

Block all their ways of they being able to contact any of you. Your DHs stepfather here is both her flying monkey and willing enabler. He cannot be at all relied upon either.

Have an honest conversation with him about what he'd want in an ideal world, then help him make it happen.

She's using the kids as an 'in' because that's what he responds to.

If he doesn't want to hear from her ever again, help him block her.
If he wants civilised annual meetings in the park, where you can leave as soon as it's uncomfortable, then facilitate that.

My dad’s mum had been abusive to him when he was younger. He then lived with his dad and kept his mum extremely distant. When me and my sister came along, mum supported dad in helping him to be able to meet with his mum for our sakes. We met as a family maybe a couple of times a year, for perhaps a couple of hours. Sometimes we would spend a couple of days with her alongside our family.

I didn’t question this as a child, or wonder why we saw her a lot less than other grandparents. As I got older my mum explained a little more, and a little more again as I was older still, but it was only after she died that dad told us more about his childhood.

I have always been hugely grateful to my parents for allowing me and my sister to have a relationship with my grandma in this way. It was a somewhat cautious relationship, I think, but real nonetheless. We were never in any danger or anything. As an adult I know what it took for my dad to be able to do this, and I think my mum helped him a lot - and I think it helped him come to terms with it (in that he didn’t have to completely shut his previous life away in a box and was able to reach at least an uneasy truce). I massively appreciated knowing all my grandparents. But it was at distance, and a small relationship. But still worth it for me.

But, knowing more about it as I do now, I know it was so hard for my dad, and that depending on the grandparent, this may not be the best solution. My sister and I knew that she loved us. But our loyalties would always be to our dad. I’m glad we didn’t have to choose.

She doesn't want to see the kids. You are aware she is using them as an 'in' to get to your DH, why is this time any different?

She will ignore the kids to get to him. I'd stay away. I can understand remaining low contact with an abusive parent if they have a healthy relationship with the children but she doesn't. There's no benefit for anyone in the relationship so end it.

The way I'd look at it is that after one visit they may then want more, regular meetings. Easier to say no from the offset than to allow one and then get tied in to seeing her regularly. If it blows up then he needs to consider full NC rather than LC.

He should read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. There is a section in there about alcoholic parents. You could read Toxic in-laws by the same author.

Your husband finds it difficult to say no to his mother because he has been bullied by her his whole life. He is mired in fear, obligation and guilt as a result and it may be useful to him to find a BACP therapist. Reading the Out of the Fog website could be helpful to him.

Indeed she does not want to see your children at all. She wants to use them as an in to get back at and otherwise punish the two of you as their parents.

I would want the children kept away from her.
Your husband needs to join the Stately Homes threads on here.

That would be a no from me.

No one who speaks poorly of me, my DH or even the kids gets to visit or basically pick up where they never left off (I say it like that because you mentioned that your DH didn't exactly have the easiest of upbringings with his mother on the scene).

Nope - it stays to texts and she doesn't get to see them. The fact that your DH keeps messaging her means that he is still feeling beholden to her. He shouldn't feel that he has to keep her appraised of your children, how they are doing or of anything to do with anyone except him, if he feels like messaging her. The kids are off limits.

What? If she'd punched him in the face would you be inviting her round to play happy families, or discouraging any contact with the violent person, never mind to see the dc?

OP it is hard. It really is. He's got 100% valid reasons to be LC. He's in the throes of FOG about the kids not having a relationship with their grandma. But again, if she'd hit him (rather than 'just' emotional abuse 🤔🤔) you wouldn't be hesitating at all.

Don't subject your kids to a narcissistic alcoholic... beak the cycle now like your DH is trying to do.

She's trying to guilt you into it.

Stand firm.

When your kids are older and less vulnerable, they can make their own choices about whether to have contact or not.

'break' not 'beak'!

Thank you for all your advice! He ignored the first set of messages. She then sent another wanting to know ‘what have I done wrong now?’ He was furious at this as she never accepts she did anything wrong when he was a child. He has so far ignored that message though too.

I asked him what he wanted to do and explained that I wouldn’t have her at the house it would have to be a neutral meeting but to think seriously about it as we would be inviting an abuser into the DC’s lives. I didn’t want to dictate no as I really feel this needs to come from him and be his decision. He said he doesn’t want to see her, doesn’t want her around the kids and doesn’t have time or room for her in his life. He won’t tell her this yet for fear of the fall out so is just ignoring her. But it’s a no, we won’t be seeing her.

Your husband can’t cope with his abusive mother and he has had years of it to find a coping strategy as an adult but your children are innocents who need to be protected from toxic people.

@Jamjaris - why did you feel the need to post on a thread last updated by the OP back in June 2022? Did you not see when the post was last updated???

From what you say she doesn't appear to be in recovery or sorry for her previous behaviour. If you do let her meet your children bear in mind they will remember her for years to come and you could be opening a huge can of worms. Sorry if i sound unkind but i would say No until she is sober for a while and shows some genuine remorse.