Have we been dropped for younger friends?

Lanareyrey · 2022-06-19T08:31:33+00:00

In our mid 40's and have been very close friends with a couple who are in their early to mid 50's for over 15 years, my husband has been extremely loyal to this friend over the years due to a working situation. I have noticed a shift in my friends behaviour over the last few months, more so on the wife's part who has become a close friend of mine. They have befriended another one of my husband's work colleagues and his new girlfriend who are in their mid 30's/childless. I don't particularly get on with this work colleagues girlfriend, as she has been somewhat rude to me on the very few occasions I have met her, and honestly I just can't be arsed making an effort and engaging in their toxic relationship drama, plus we have nothing in common. I do however like my husband's work colleague a lot, despite his toxic relationship drama and we were all quite friendly before he met his current girlfriend. I was honest and told my friend I wasn't particularly keen on socialising with this other couple for the above reasons and husband isn't particularly keen on socialising much with other work colleagues at all. I have barely heard from my friend the last 6 months, other than when it's been me inviting them to dinner at ours a couple of times, in which all seemed ok. In the last week I have heard innocently from her husband, that said girlfriend and my friend have become best friends and they all spend a lot of time together. We do not get invited even as a large group. We still have fairly young children and no babysitters, so it's hard to get out sometimes. Friend couple have grown up children now, so I guess we are at different life stages and they are keen to have younger and more fun friends. I feel silly for even posting this, but it just makes me feel weird. I don't even want to socialise with all of them, but it does feel like we have been tossed aside a little bit and I feel like I'm to blame. Does anyone have any tips on how to navigate through this? Am I just being a silly jealous cow? Of course I know that people are allowed to be friends with who they want, just hurts a bit. Husband says to just forget it and move on and try not to think about it.

layladomino · 19/06/2022 10:12

I think perhaps it would have turned out differently if you hadn't said what you said. They like this couple and would probably have been very happy if you could all have been friends, but you made it clear you didn't want to socialise with the younger couple (well, the woman at least) leaving them no choice but to build a relationship with them separately.

As you say, you can't stop other people being friends. They clearly get along. Hopefully you can still retain a friendship with the original couple. But friendships ebb and flow. Sometimes they have their time in the sun and then fade away. It can be sad when it happens.

Would you be open to getting to know the younger woman a bit better? It could just be that you got off to a bad start. Your friends like her, so maybe she's not all that bad?

Original poster

Lanareyrey · 19/06/2022 10:19

Thanks for replying and yes I think you’re right.

I have been open to socialising with other couple, and have done on a couple of previous birthday occasions within a large group and all was ok.

I have tried to be friendly and make an effort towards the girlfriend still to this day, but I don’t get anything back from her. She however is a completely different person towards my good friend, so it just makes it very difficult all round. Happy to socialise in large groups just not so much a small group or one on one.

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Original poster

Lanareyrey · 19/06/2022 10:24

I should add younger friends are very conceited, self absorbed and only talk about themselves, which is ok to a point, but gets tiresome after a while.

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BornIn78 · 19/06/2022 10:32

You told your friend that you don’t want to socialise with the other couple. So she’s taken you at your word.

She shouldn’t have been put in the position where she has had to choose which couple to invite to things, but you put her in that position, and this is the result.

I think you just have to accept it and let it go.

Original poster

Lanareyrey · 19/06/2022 10:36

BornIn78 · 19/06/2022 10:32

You told your friend that you don’t want to socialise with the other couple. So she’s taken you at your word.

She shouldn’t have been put in the position where she has had to choose which couple to invite to things, but you put her in that position, and this is the result.

I think you just have to accept it and let it go.

I never once asked her to choose.

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pictish · 19/06/2022 10:42

By raising it, you created a division. I’m not saying you even did anything wrong…but I sense you may have played into new friend’s hands.

So you found new friend rude. Can I ask…is that because she was subtly dismissive of you but charming and friendly to others? Or was she more overt?

Arenanewbie · 19/06/2022 10:43

I don’t think your words are the main reason for this situation. Your friend saw in your words what she wanted to see and what’s suited her.
You haven’t put any details about your past socialising. How personal it was? I wonder if they went out with you because you were the only option. Sorry.

BornIn78 · 19/06/2022 10:43

You didn’t say the words “it’s them or us” but you effectively told her that if her social life included that couple, then it couldn’t also include you at the same events.

Anniefrenchfry · 19/06/2022 10:48

You are contradicting yourself. In your op you wrote that you told your friend you found the woman rude and were not keen to socialise with them. You then follow up saying you’re open to socialising with them. And then you write they are conceited and self absorbed.

yes you’ve been dumped, the friends have judged your words and decided it’s you not them. Likely they can’t be arsed with the drama and judgement of it. On top of this if the two women are very close, it’s clear she doesn’t agree your opinion of the younger woman.

so I’m sorry but yes, you’re out.

Original poster

Lanareyrey · 19/06/2022 10:52

Anniefrenchfry · 19/06/2022 10:48

You are contradicting yourself. In your op you wrote that you told your friend you found the woman rude and were not keen to socialise with them. You then follow up saying you’re open to socialising with them. And then you write they are conceited and self absorbed.

yes you’ve been dumped, the friends have judged your words and decided it’s you not them. Likely they can’t be arsed with the drama and judgement of it. On top of this if the two women are very close, it’s clear she doesn’t agree your opinion of the younger woman.

so I’m sorry but yes, you’re out.

Thank you.

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Original poster

Lanareyrey · 19/06/2022 10:52

pictish · 19/06/2022 10:42

By raising it, you created a division. I’m not saying you even did anything wrong…but I sense you may have played into new friend’s hands.

So you found new friend rude. Can I ask…is that because she was subtly dismissive of you but charming and friendly to others? Or was she more overt?

She was very dismissive of me but very friendly to my friends (friends are wealthy).

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TullyApplebottom · 19/06/2022 10:57

Gosh some people are nasty on this thread. Why?
op I guess you felt you could be honest with your friend and it’s backfired a bit. I would keep the door open for the friendship to resume, but try and accept it may not go back to what it was.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/06/2022 11:01

It's not really a question of fault - your friend made another friend who you don't get on with, and so you see less of her. I would keep inviting your friend and her husband and maintain the friendship (because things change - your children will get older, and the younger woman may have a child and make a bunch of same age mum friends). I would also focus on making other friends not related to your husband's job but to your own interests.

And yes, it is always best not to badmouth your friends' other friends (I'm not sure how you expected your friend to react to that? Pick you and cut off the other friend?). But if you really didn't want to socialise with the new woman then it would have come to the same thing anyway.

Original poster

Lanareyrey · 19/06/2022 11:03

TullyApplebottom · 19/06/2022 10:57

Gosh some people are nasty on this thread. Why?
op I guess you felt you could be honest with your friend and it’s backfired a bit. I would keep the door open for the friendship to resume, but try and accept it may not go back to what it was.

You’re telling me. Thank you for your kind words. I definitely felt like I could be honest to my friend and that it was justified (there is more of a backstory to this but could be outing). However, I did expect at large events, it would be unavoidable to see her, so thought things might get better and they never did.

I feel like I should never have brought it up and just shut my mouth.

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Original poster

Lanareyrey · 19/06/2022 11:04

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/06/2022 11:01

It's not really a question of fault - your friend made another friend who you don't get on with, and so you see less of her. I would keep inviting your friend and her husband and maintain the friendship (because things change - your children will get older, and the younger woman may have a child and make a bunch of same age mum friends). I would also focus on making other friends not related to your husband's job but to your own interests.

And yes, it is always best not to badmouth your friends' other friends (I'm not sure how you expected your friend to react to that? Pick you and cut off the other friend?). But if you really didn't want to socialise with the new woman then it would have come to the same thing anyway.

Good advice. They weren’t friends then however when I told her.

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Ticksallboxes · 19/06/2022 11:08

Anniefrenchfry · 19/06/2022 10:48

You are contradicting yourself. In your op you wrote that you told your friend you found the woman rude and were not keen to socialise with them. You then follow up saying you’re open to socialising with them. And then you write they are conceited and self absorbed.

yes you’ve been dumped, the friends have judged your words and decided it’s you not them. Likely they can’t be arsed with the drama and judgement of it. On top of this if the two women are very close, it’s clear she doesn’t agree your opinion of the younger woman.

so I’m sorry but yes, you’re out.

Erm. Wow.

Ticksallboxes · 19/06/2022 11:09

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/06/2022 11:01

It's not really a question of fault - your friend made another friend who you don't get on with, and so you see less of her. I would keep inviting your friend and her husband and maintain the friendship (because things change - your children will get older, and the younger woman may have a child and make a bunch of same age mum friends). I would also focus on making other friends not related to your husband's job but to your own interests.

And yes, it is always best not to badmouth your friends' other friends (I'm not sure how you expected your friend to react to that? Pick you and cut off the other friend?). But if you really didn't want to socialise with the new woman then it would have come to the same thing anyway.

I agree with this.

JacquelineCarlyle · 19/06/2022 11:15

It may not be what you said but rather the different life stages in that both of the other couples don't have young children so are free to socialise without worry.

If you value the friendship, then keep the door open and keep inviting them to dinner at yours or whatever you usually do together as things may change and will hopefully get better.

Anniefrenchfry · 19/06/2022 11:22

I’m now sure why am erm wow, the op wants to understand what’s went wrong. Her posts are contradictory, she says she told the woman she thought the younger woman rude, and wasn’t keen to socialise with them, she then says she is and always has been open to socialising with them, she says she really likes the man, but then includes him in her statement that they are both conceited, tiresome and self absorbed. She uses very harsh words calling their relationship toxic.

if these two women have hit it off as is being put forward then clearly the older woman doesn’t agree with the ops asssessment, she doesn’t feel they are conceited , tiresome , toxic, dismissive and rude, and has likely heard the younger woman’s side of the story.

they have not fallen out with the op, just let the friendship drift and stopped making an effort following it. We can only surmise that’s because she does not agree with the op and feels she is the issue, otherwise she’d not become like best friends with the other woman nor would she have let the friendship with the op drift.

I understand why the op is upset. She has attempted to ostracise this younger woman, why else tell the mutual friend/acquaintance and it’s back fired and she herself has been ostracised due to it.

sometimes it’s best not to rush to judge and many people take exception at what they perceive to be bullying behaviour Ie let’s not socialise with the new girlfriend

Original poster

Lanareyrey · 19/06/2022 11:29

JacquelineCarlyle · 19/06/2022 11:15

It may not be what you said but rather the different life stages in that both of the other couples don't have young children so are free to socialise without worry.

If you value the friendship, then keep the door open and keep inviting them to dinner at yours or whatever you usually do together as things may change and will hopefully get better.

Sound advice, thank you.

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butterflied · 19/06/2022 11:30

People are advised on here to let friendships drift when they don't work for them anymore. That's what happened. You didn't make your friends choose in so many words, but I would have taken it to be implicit in her case. So she let friendship with you drift because she doesn't want drama. That's my take.

Original poster

Lanareyrey · 19/06/2022 11:30

Anniefrenchfry · 19/06/2022 11:22

I’m now sure why am erm wow, the op wants to understand what’s went wrong. Her posts are contradictory, she says she told the woman she thought the younger woman rude, and wasn’t keen to socialise with them, she then says she is and always has been open to socialising with them, she says she really likes the man, but then includes him in her statement that they are both conceited, tiresome and self absorbed. She uses very harsh words calling their relationship toxic.

if these two women have hit it off as is being put forward then clearly the older woman doesn’t agree with the ops asssessment, she doesn’t feel they are conceited , tiresome , toxic, dismissive and rude, and has likely heard the younger woman’s side of the story.

they have not fallen out with the op, just let the friendship drift and stopped making an effort following it. We can only surmise that’s because she does not agree with the op and feels she is the issue, otherwise she’d not become like best friends with the other woman nor would she have let the friendship with the op drift.

I understand why the op is upset. She has attempted to ostracise this younger woman, why else tell the mutual friend/acquaintance and it’s back fired and she herself has been ostracised due to it.

sometimes it’s best not to rush to judge and many people take exception at what they perceive to be bullying behaviour Ie let’s not socialise with the new girlfriend

Ok… what an extremely judgemental analysis of the situation.

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Original poster

Lanareyrey · 19/06/2022 11:32

butterflied · 19/06/2022 11:30

People are advised on here to let friendships drift when they don't work for them anymore. That's what happened. You didn't make your friends choose in so many words, but I would have taken it to be implicit in her case. So she let friendship with you drift because she doesn't want drama. That's my take.

So just let a 15 plus year friendship go, for a maybe 18 month friendship with new couple. Thought she might think more of me than what you are saying.

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Anniefrenchfry · 19/06/2022 11:33

Lanareyrey · 19/06/2022 11:30

Ok… what an extremely judgemental analysis of the situation.

Show quote history

Ok, I get you don’t like it but the fact remains the two women are best friends and rhe older woman has let her friendship with you drift. If you do not agree my thoughts, which is primarily quoting you back to you, then why do you think it is?

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/06/2022 11:36

OP your feelings are natural. You feel sidelined and that this other woman has been chosen over you and in a way that’s true.

However it sounds a bit intense and I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a ruckus and the sudden intimacy falls apart before too long.

Play the long game, wait and see what happens, disengage in your mind and try to focus on other friends/potential friends.