Have we been dropped for younger friends?

[Lanareyrey]

In our mid 40's and have been very close friends with a couple who are in their early to mid 50's for over 15 years, my husband has been extremely loyal to this friend over the years due to a working situation.

I have noticed a shift in my friends behaviour over the last few months, more so on the wife's part who has become a close friend of mine. They have befriended another one of my husband's work colleagues and his new girlfriend who are in their mid 30's/childless.

I don't particularly get on with this work colleagues girlfriend, as she has been somewhat rude to me on the very few occasions I have met her, and honestly I just can't be arsed making an effort and engaging in their toxic relationship drama, plus we have nothing in common. I do however like my husband's work colleague a lot, despite his toxic relationship drama and we were all quite friendly before he met his current girlfriend.

I was honest and told my friend I wasn't particularly keen on socialising with this other couple for the above reasons and husband isn't particularly keen on socialising much with other work colleagues at all.

I have barely heard from my friend the last 6 months, other than when it's been me inviting them to dinner at ours a couple of times, in which all seemed ok.

In the last week I have heard innocently from her husband, that said girlfriend and my friend have become best friends and they all spend a lot of time together. We do not get invited even as a large group.

We still have fairly young children and no babysitters, so it's hard to get out sometimes. Friend couple have grown up children now, so I guess we are at different life stages and they are keen to have younger and more fun friends.

I feel silly for even posting this, but it just makes me feel weird. I don't even want to socialise with all of them, but it does feel like we have been tossed aside a little bit and I feel like I'm to blame.

Does anyone have any tips on how to navigate through this? Am I just being a silly jealous cow? Of course I know that people are allowed to be friends with who they want, just hurts a bit. Husband says to just forget it and move on and try not to think about it.

The intensity is definitely a bit odd and that’s what’s making me feel weird. They weren’t friends until the last few months.

Sorry I should say they weren’t close friends until the last few months, for fear of contradicting myself. Have maybe know the girlfriend for a total of 18 months.

I agree with @Anniefrenchfry - as hard as it may be to realise, your original friend likes her more and places her above you. For now.

However the attraction of the shiny new young friend with no ties or children to consider may not last, so you have to decide if you want to keep inviting them to keep a friendship going for now, or give up.

She was very dismissive of me but very friendly to my friends (friends are wealthy).
I think it’s the core of the issue. This young woman thought that you’re not worth an effort so wasn’t particularly nice towards you but she’s made a huge effort towards your friends and it flattered them, they liked to have fun more carefree friendship which you couldn’t offer to some extent because of DC.Also I wonder if you know too much about your friends’ problems so they want to be with someone who doesn’t and look better.
Obviously it’s better for you to extend your friendship circle as some POs suggested (if it’s possible) and just invite the other couple from time to time if you want to but I wouldn’t expect your relationship to be the same.

Friendships cool, temporarily or permanently, often when one has small children and the other doesn’t. They can go back to what they were as life stages converge again.

Ignore those who bring up ‘bad mouthing’ in this situation, which suggests you’re telling your friend untrue things about this younger woman. It is your reality otherwise you wouldn’t have said anything. Women in general are people pleasers and not always great at centering their own needs, so be proud and comfortable with your actions.

I’ve experienced similar with a friend who befriended a gossip who was not malicious, but friend insisted on meeting with this woman present and I felt I couldn’t divulge anything personal at all. I said that I’d only meet her on her own. It cooled the friendship and I now don’t see my former friend much because she chose gossip woman. I don’t regret it because it highlighted a fundamental difference in our values around privacy. It also freed up time for new friendships with people who had a more similar outlook to me.

@Arenanewbie I think you are 100% correct in what you just said.

@ElephantsFart Thank you for understanding where I am coming from. Honestly I’m perimenopausal and my tolerance is at an all time low. I have been a people pleaser all my life, and because I had a solid friendship with my friend, I felt I could confide in her and just be clear, I didn’t want to get involved and what I am also not willing to put up with.

I’m sorry this happened to you. People are strange 😢

Honestly, don’t be too disheartened. These things happen and I’m now several years on and enjoy healthier, deeper friendships. As I reached perimenopause, the people pleasing aspect of me fell away to an extent, so there could be a hormone component to how you’re feeling. All in all it is no bad thing because you’re looking after your well-being. Take care.

It sounds like you maybe relied too much on this one couple for your social life. It's sad when good friends drift away but it's healthy to have a few different groups to socialise with so you don;t feel the loss too keenly.

Are there people locally with childrenof a similar age who you could get to know? Are there babysitting circles you could join (ours became so friendly we had to keep adding new sitters so we could all go out together and socialise) or family get togethers?

Let those two couples work through their friendship. If the woman is as self-absorbed as you say, they are likely to get bored of her dramas after a while. If you still like the couple, keep inviting them for dinner or lunch every couple of months to keep the friendship alive but put more energy into cultivating new friendships with people at a similar stage to you.

@Lanareyrey It was talking from bitter experience, 😥I’m always you in these sort of scenarios….