Is my husband trying to control me?

[keepbelieving]

My husband and I haven't been speaking since last Tuesday, I tried to talk to him when he came home on Friday evening. He ignored me completely and went upstairs so I followed him up and quietly said we need to talk to which he said I could talk if I wanted to but he had nothing to say. I was so distraught and frustrated because the whole thing started because he had ignored me on Tuesday night when I needed to talk to him (a previous thread). Anyway no speaking until Saturday we tried to talk it was more hostile and accusing than anything else and I tried my best but we ended up arguing and he left the house without speaking to me. So hear we are on Tuesday morning and I must admit I really miss him because usually we are so close so I tried to talk toh him this morning I said we need to stop this because it isn't good and neither of us is enjoying it. He was dosing at the time and I was getting ready for work but I've been disfunctional at work and so down that I just want it all to end and for us to at least try and make an effort. Do you know what he said to me "I was murdering sleep from his eyes" and started telling me that he went to bed late (he's not working today until 5.30pm). He hardly spoke to me and his attitude was not that of someone who is meeting you half way. why couldn't he have said shown me that he was interested in us making up. I was so angry and felt so humilated it was as though he was saying leave me alone now i want to sleep. How can your marriage be less important than your sleep???? I left the house angry and slammed the door. Is he trying to control me, break me down knowing that I'm hurting.

he has not spoken to you for a week?!??

what on earth did you row about that was so huge?

what is he hoping to achieve?

controlling, maybe... selfish and childish, definitely

Sounds like we have the same partners!!

I still don't understand the silent treatment - think it is a man thing. Try not to get wound up over it. (I know, easier said than done) Do your own thing and just try to stay calm so that when he does finally talk you can still have a rational conversation with him and you show him for the child he is being.

He sounds horrible. Hard to give an opinion though with no background info. Sounds like you're both at rock bottom. You have to decide if your marriage is worth saving, but anyone that can carry on being mean for that long when you have tried to sort it out must have problems.
Murdering sleep from his eyes!!! What a muppet, who talks like that?!

I wish I could go away for a few days but have to work.

You are right lulumama he is being all of the above. The row was pathetic - we had just gone to bed and i discovered my period had started and naturally as were are trying to start a family I was upset. Went into the bedroom and tried to get to turn round so I could get a cuddle and just let him know what had happened and you cannot believe how hostile and hurtful he was and his excuse HE WAS TIRED!. Can you believe it, naturally I was hurt and could face talking to him and you know what he went and slept downstairs in the sofa the following night as if I HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG. Sometimes I wonder why he's still with me is it because he's too cheap to go and rent somewhere and will have to pay bills?

Chocoholic - how do you manage? Your comment is really helpful but it just makes me so mad to think that I went to him AGAIN!!

is he upset too about your period,

is it the stress of trying to start a family.
i hope it can be resolved soon.

agree with TMMJ

if the upset of not being pregnant is pushing you apart and you are not able to communicate, then it does not bode well.,. there are things you can do to help this.

if he does not cope well with lack of sleep, he is going to get a big shock when , fingers crossed,you do have a baby, that needs to feed every couple of hours , day and night.....

he needs to grow up, first and foremost

You are obviously feeling low and having a hard time, but to an extent I think your partner is suffering too and maybe wants some space to sort out his own thoughts. For one thing, men can find it very distressing when their partners don't get pregnant after trying - it can make a man feel a failure: his manhood isn't performing properly, etc. Additonally, if he is very tired and short of sleep that makes people pretty bad-tempered.
You do come across as a bit clingy and needy, which some people find hard to deal with, and it sounds like you've got into this situation where the more you ask for attention and comforting, the more harassed he feels. Can you try to get the sympathy you need elsewhere and take the pressure off him a little, as he may then find it easier to respond. (MN is good for ranting and getting sympathy, of course).

Keepbelieving, we spent years of me battling against the silent treatment and me responding by saying meaner & meaner things til he responded. Then the disagreement turned into being about what I had said wrong.

I've managed to curb my temper now and don't respond but we are still really struggling. Me being calm just means that we can see our issues a little more clearly.

ok, sorry to say but having dc's just puts MORE strain on a relationship, not less. and if he's like this now, i think it will be worse with kids. think very carefully about your general relationship and whether you really do want to go there. now is your chance to call it a day and find someone more able to give you what you need.

Madamez what you say is very intersting and has hit home. However, I expect my man to be there to support me emotionally and to be honest I find myself feeling in need of this usually about once a month when my period starts. It doesn't take much and I believe that he should know me by now. I have no sympathy with him being tired. He stayed up until 4 am watching television; came to bed and started snoring loudly and woke me up. I'm the one at work and he's at home asleep on the sofa. I have always been therefore him unconditioanlly and apart from this episode(s) we get along great; lots of laughter and talking about anything and everything. He has said before that it is important for him to be with that kind of woman and it so happens that my nature is very fun loving; playful easygoing. But every now and again a woman needs to be made to feel like she's a woman and that her man is there for here. I know that maybe the baby thing is getting to him too but surely this is why we need to lean on each other and not retreat to our corners like a couple of boxers. Needy and clingy? No. Like my man to be there for me and me for him. Yes. Maybe he does need his space, maybe we both do but please remember we have not spoken since last Tuesday, today makes 8 days. He has done his thing and I mine no speaking, laughing, sleeping in the same bed NOTHING. How much more space can a person need? Enough is enough. If we have problems, we need to see if they can be resolved, if they can't then we need to split up but bearing in mind we have only been married for just over two years I think that's s shame.

Probably best to see if you can work things out before starting a family. If you find that these issues cannot be resolved, at least there are no children involved. Good luck.

Def try to get away from him for a few days. Leave him to sort himself out re. sleep (my dh does this, sits on the computer until the early hours, but he would not get far with me if he subsequently complained about tiredness) and see if he can bring himself to talk to you then.

I think maybe men can sometimes take it personally if their wife is TTC and hasn't. Perhaps he feels guilty/angry with himself and is upset. Might he be worrying that his sperm aren't good?

I'm sure they are but blokes worry about stuff like this or that they will be seen as less of a man?

No excuse for being a nob though.

Hi there, a man's view here.

Madamez spoke total sense, I must say, as she always does.

Please bear in mind how he is feeling about the fact that another month has gone by without you falling pregnant. This can throw up a lot (and I mean a lot) of stuff for him too. Unfortunately this is possibly one of those horrid situations where you both need love and support and neither of you can give it to each other.

Plus tiredness is an absolute killer and it does sound like his sleeping is completely out of kilter at the moment. Don't be angry with him for coming to bed late, it may all be part of the same issue.

So in answer to your question, no he is not being controlling. That is a cliché which I think it is all to easy to revert to. Anyway, we are all controlling in different ways, to greater or lesser degrees (we all like to influence the environment we are in). I would say that if he is being controlling at all, it is on himself, keeping in all his feelings, hence the radio silence.

BUT... even though he is not being controlling, he is being rude and his silence is certainly not helping the situation. You certainly need to be able to talk to each other and he is clearly blocking this off. Silence like this is passive aggressive behaviour so you need to know what he is angry about. His role in you not getting pregnant? Your role? Your relationship? Something else completely random?

Now is not the time to get out of the house, I certainly do not think you should be checking into hotels. However, as has been hinted at elsewhere, the best thing you could do now is get some emotional support from other people (or from here). We cannot always give our partners what we want and at the moment, for whatever reason, your DH is unable to give you what you need. You may just have to accept that.

The best way to look after him and this situation is to look after yourself first. If he senses you are strong and not being dependant, he will come out of his shell. Don't play into his game by constantly trying to get him to talk. By telling him you need him to talk, you are again feeding into his fears about not giving you what you need (as with him not getting you pregnant).

None of this will be resolved while there is tiredness in the air and while the disappointment of your period is still vivid. Cliché but you need to let the dust settle. Only then can you look at and resolve whatever deeper issues were present.

And no, this is not a reason not to have kids with him. We are all human and relationships are fucking hard work. Sometimes we just have horrible weeks and the analysis need go no further than that.

I hope you both find a way of resolving this.

I agree with posting at last. V helpful to get a man's point of view.

I think you do need to step back from him a bit, whilst still letting him know you're there for him when he needs you.

I think he is working Kama, but is on shifts (hence prob the reason he can't sleep)

does he work evenings? you say in one post that he is starting work at 5.30 pm. My husband works nights and he needs to wind down for ages before he goes to bed. I am totally a morning person and it can be really difficult to communicate when you operate different time zones. Could you find a time when you are both in the same frame of mind/awakeness?

I tend to agree with tmmj -- if he gets that irritable and unwilling to compromise when he is short of sleep, and if he's unable to cope with short bursts of your not being fun loving, playful and easygoing, then this may not be the best time to be starting a family.

Because when you are pregnant and for the first six months at least of your baby's life you will be a hormonal mess. And when the baby arrives you will be getting less sleep than you ecver thought possible. It puts a strain on any relationship, but if those areas are already flashpoints for you under normal conditions then you really need to get them sorted out now, before you get pregnant.

First off, Kama he works days but has taken two days off although today he has agreed to go into work and do some overtime starting at 5.30pm and finishing at 8pm. I don't think leaving the house is the answer either as it will still be there when I get back and I won't be feeling any better whilst I'm away.

I do pride myself on being a good communicator and believe that listening to others when they want to talk and at the same time being able to say how I feel is health in all relationships and I encourage it in those around me.

Thanks so much postingatlast. Your post has helped enormously. I don't feel angry any more and I think you're right, whilst I keep trying to talk to him I'm becoming less and less powerful and his weilds more and more power. Passive aggressive. That's interesting. I did ask him what's wrong because the way he was behaving seemed totally out of context with the situation and his reaction was so unjustified so yes, I believe there is something more to it but he won't say and maybe I will just have to accept that maybe for reasons of male pride, he can't. But you know the thing that annoys me is why is it me that seemingly has to make all the compromises and be all understanding and stuff urggggggh!!!!. Yes he is being rude and there's no excuse for that.

Pleased to have helped, keepbelieving.

One important point - i think there is a big difference between empowering yourself and taking more control of the situation, as discussed earlier, and you making all the compromises and being understanding. I think you are being a bit hard on yourself when you say that you are the one having to be understanding. You seem like a very understanding person with lots of empathy, that's just the way you are. You are not giving anything away by being like that with your DH. And you are not compromising by not being angry - you are just looking after your own needs better. Think of it as empowering yourself rather than trying to disarm him by showing compassion and a desire to compromise.

hmmmmmm, just re-read that and am not sure it reads as it should!