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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I love him more than he loves me, don’t I :(

37 replies

gingham019 · 18/06/2022 09:25

I think I might be losing my relationship. My boyfriend is acting increasingly distant but I don’t know if I’m over reacting, because he was incredibly loving and communicative at first. He was definitely most into me and made so much effort.

Now I feel like I’m making all the effort, and he doesn’t do all the cute things he used to do. Which I know is normal to a degree.

Last night told me so much. It used to be that when he went out with friends, he’d keep me updated or shoot me the odd text saying he missed me or loved me. It was nice.

Last night we both went out individually with friends, and I thought I’m not going to be the one to make all the effort.
Surprise, I didn’t hear from him in 5 hours. Which may not sound much but is unheard of for us.
I’ve always just asked for the bare minimum of keeping me updated and he just seems to never listen. All he did was text me when he got home. He never even asked if I was safe or how my night was.
I just think back to when he used to send funny texts about something that might have happened, or a picture of his evening, or at least a fucking question about how my night was.

For me this has spoken volumes because if I don’t do anything, then nothing happens. I dont know if I’m over reacting.

I’ve spoken to him so many times about this and he feels like nothing is wrong, says he’s happy and there’s nothing to worry about.
But things just seem so different now and well… stale.

Am I being precious?

OP posts:

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 18/06/2022 09:27

Have you already posted about this? The advice isn’t going to change.

Original poster

gingham019 · 18/06/2022 09:27

No I haven’t posted before

OP posts:

spanishsummers · 18/06/2022 09:29

Yes

VirginiaQ · 18/06/2022 09:31

Why do you need to be kept 'updated'? About what? Surely you were out with your friends enjoying yourself. I don't understand why either of you need to be keeping each other 'updated' at all.

Sounds needy and claustrophobic to me.

DontLookBackInAnger1 · 18/06/2022 09:32

The honeymoon phase is over. That's normal.

Is this your first serious relationship?

It sounds a bit intense to me. To be honest.

ChairPose9to5 · 18/06/2022 09:32

You don't live with him I hope.

I think it was a good idea to match his energy. Pull back a bit.

I think sometimes an anxious attachment style can make the normal settling in to a relationship feel like a rejection. Thais Gibson and Briana McWilliams have some good videos about attachment styles and their effect on relationships.

But if he's not as certain as he was, then that's going to hurt anybody, secure or insecure in the attachment style.

Original poster

gingham019 · 18/06/2022 09:33

I don’t live with him no.
I guess it’s because it’s how it used to be. If he was never much of a texter, fair enough, but he was always always the one initiating.
Lastnight hurt because I realised a) he’s completely changed and b) if I don’t initiate, then there’s literally nothing and I’m doing all the work :(

OP posts:

11Hawkins · 18/06/2022 09:35

You didn't hear from him for 5 hours? I think you're being over the top. It was 5 hours... not 5 days.

LadyLolaRuben · 18/06/2022 09:35

No you're not being precious. Theres been an energy shift. Sounds like you need to have a chat about how he sees the future. Not easy, best of luck

Memaww · 18/06/2022 09:35

So you went out with your friends all night and didn't text him.

And you're mad at him for going out with his mates and not texting you either? 😂

Are you 16?

Why do you need to text each other if you're out with friends?

He must feel suffocated!

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2022 09:36

You seem to need a lot of validation, I can't relate, but that's fine. You are who you are. Bottom line, it doesn't appear that this relationship is working for you, so don't invest any more time into something that's not making you happy. Perhaps you need to take some time as a single person and figure out what it is you really need and why.

Original poster

gingham019 · 18/06/2022 09:37

It’s not so much about having to text me all the time, it’s about his energy shift. He used to do all of these things and now he doesn’t.
If this was just his personality I wouldn’t mind, but if anything, he used to be the one texting and initiating the most!!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2022 09:39

gingham019 · 18/06/2022 09:37

I would take that as my cue to end it.

Perpop · 18/06/2022 09:39

People are so harsh! If you feel that way, that’s ok! Talk to him again and let him know you’re feeling a little insecure in the relationship and that last nights different communication style confirmed your worries further. If he cares, he will reassure you and won’t be a dick about it.

It might be that you are indeed overthinking, but it’s ok for women to ask for what they want or need. Go with your gut.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2022 09:40

To add...

Did you really the the intensity of the newness of your relationship was going to last? That's just not realistic.

BlueSuffragette · 18/06/2022 09:41

Why does he need to keep in touch with you when he's out with friends and you are out with yours? Live in the moment and enjoy their company. He's text you when he got home to let you know he's OK, say good night etc. I think you need to accept this is more normal as relationships go. The constant texting at the beginning slows down. Do you trust him? If so just chill. If not then you've got bigger problems than not keeping in constant touch through texting. Take care x

MCG2022 · 18/06/2022 09:42

I don't think you're being precious at all. I think you're just picking up on a change in his behaviour.

I definitely think you should have a chat with him and be honest about how you're feeling. See what his reaction is like but don't let yourself get dragged along if you think it's going in the wrong direction.

SpidersAreShitheads · 18/06/2022 09:42

I get that it's sometimes nice to get a quick text to show they're thinking about you but if someone feels secure in a relationship, these things tend to drift off a bit if I'm being honest.

The fact that he didn't text you for 5 hours - I would say you maybe need to let that go. It's normal after the honeymoon phase has passed. You were both out, no need to contact each other.

He texted you when he was home. Lovely. I'd probably expect that. But he didn't check if you were back safely? Hmm. That would piss me off a bit. I'd do that with a friend, let alone a partner.

You don't need to tell us the answer - but are you a very needy and clingy type? Are you feeling just an exciting new relationship settling down? Do you crave the intenseness of a new relationship? Because that tends not to last.... Or do you genuinely and honestly think that things are getting a little stale, or that he's losing interest? Only you can answer these questions - but you need to be truthful with yourself.

I would match his energy though, and see what transpires. And if you're not happy with where that leaves you, you have your answer.

Original poster

gingham019 · 18/06/2022 09:45

It’s hard because I am generally quite an anxious person but I’ve also never felt like this before, I do feel like he’s losing interest and his words don’t match his actions.

And yeah, he always asks if I got home safe. I texted saying “assuming you made it to X” (his last destination) and he replied saying “yeah, sorry, didn’t think you made it” what does this even mean? Dunno if it’s a typo but just ask me then?

OP posts:

Kione · 18/06/2022 09:51

I get where you are coming from OP. It was very similar for me. I also said, if we didn't text as much at the start it wouldn't feel so bad.

Mine is also increasingly ignoring me when he is out but full on when he doesn't have any other plans. I am going cold as it is not working for me.

TanginaBarrons · 18/06/2022 10:06

I really don't know what to say. I adore my husband of 14 years and the feeling is mutual. We texted intensely at the beginning of our relationship and it drifted off. We love each other deeply and committedly but in the sense of a mutual partnership - we have a great sexual relationship and fancy each other. But our text messages are perfunctory at best (bar the occasional loving/sexy one). This all seems completely normal (unless there are other issues?). It all sounds a bit childish- are you both very young?

GreatCrash · 18/06/2022 10:16

It's normal for the initial intensity to die down a bit, so I think you should stop comparing things to how they used to be - that's not a helpful comparison.

Instead, compare it to how you want it to be. How important is this to you in a relationship? Assuming it doesn't mean that anything is wrong with the relationship, and this is just him relaxing back into his normal approach, do you need more than this?

In other words, I don't think your boyfriend's attitude necessarily means he doesn't love you any more. But it does mean that this is how he expects to behave in a longer term relationship. So it's up to you whether this still works for you.

Brightstar29 · 18/06/2022 10:36

I’ve learnt to always trust my gut in these situations. As OP it’s not about needing to text all the time, it’s about the change and energy shift.

To those implying the OP is “needy” I don’t think that’s fair and why do we always let men get away with sweeping us off our feet and then pulling back? Of course that’s going to mess with our emotions particularly if we have an anxious attachment style (which it is ok to have). I get that things don’t always stay the same as the honeymoon period but normally it’s not a sudden shift from one person, you settle into the relationship together.

I would highly recommend reading the book “attached” by Dr Amir Levine which talks about attachment in relationships, avoidants and anxious attachments tend to attract each other but really us anxious attachers need to be with someone with a secure attachment who can soothe their attachment style. I speak from experience of being in a long term relationship with someone where everything was great at first and then there was a big shift from him and I didn’t have my needs met for about 2 years out of a 3 year relationship.

ChairPose9to5 · 18/06/2022 10:40

So true, I'm very attuned to an energy shift. I remember once noticing that a bf didn't put an x at the end of his text and I told my friend, we're going out thursday so he can dump me. I was right. That's not to say that I did not have an anxious attachment style. I did. Hiding it was torture. I've learnt to care a lot less over the years. I think because I now understand that single is my default. And that I'm truly happiest when I'm not waiting to be dumped.. This realisation made me go in to the most recent relationship (now over!) a lot differently.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 18/06/2022 10:43

How long have you been together?
YANBU to be upset about the change in tone.

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