Bf’s views on cheating…

[HoneyBoo2401]

Please see below….sorry I’m new here and couldn’t figure out how to post 🤦‍♀️

It sounds as though he is telling you he is probably going to cheat (if he isn't already) and then gaslighting you for being worried.

I think some men say things like this to test the water and normalise it.

Can I ask, is he recently divorced or just out of a relationship when you met? Just reminds me of a similar situation a friend had where a man shared a lot before they even met all about his separation and "mean ex wife". Turned out he'd cheated on her wirh a sex worker and still blamed her 🙄. Not saying this is what your bf did! Just reminds me of how this relationship started. The worst part was my friend bought the whole.story about how it was his exw fault he cheated. It put me off her for life.

This one's not a keeper - throw him back x

I can't say that 'I can't promise I won't cheat' would cut it for me. I'd be glad that he was stupid/honest enough to vocalise this though, to prevent me wasting any more time.

Nah, i can promise i wont cheat on my husband because if i even got the thought that i wanted too i would end it before i did.

Plus firstly if its a one night stand then why would someone risk losing a long relationship for a 1 night of sex with someone else, if its an affair then you allowed yourself to get that close to another person and that in itself is wrong. as soon as feelings come up the person should cut ties with that person to save theyre relationship

I've had almost exactly the same conversation several times in the past.

My response? 'Fine, but if you cheat in any way, that means that you've destroyed my trust in you and you're out. No exceptions, no excuses.'

Currently going through the 'Did you buy this or did I? Never mind, you can have it' discussions at the moment (yet again). Sad, but my dignity and self-respect are important to me.

That's him telling you he's probably going to fuck someone else at some point.

Seraphinesupport, people always say they'd end it if they felt like cheating but they don't. They need a safety net. And they think you're stupid and either won't notice or won't mind - even after a decade (my current situation).

So much about what he said is selfish and entitled but dressed up as 'considerate' or 'honest', the idea that he'd just leave rather than explain he's cheated isn't about protecting his partners 'self esteem' it's about protecting his own arse. Cheating puts sexual health at risk at the very least and to deny a partner that honesty is just gross! I'd throw him back too...

Sorry OP, I can't be bothered to read your post, but the very idea of the possibility of cheating would be a hard boundary for me.

He is testing you to see how much shit you'll be prepared to take.

Can you seriously envisage a happy ending with this prince amongst eligible men?

I mean you're either a loyal and committed person or you're not. This one's not.

I don’t necessarily agree with the other posts here. I’ve said similar in the past, not to my BF but to a friend who couldn’t believe that her H had cheated on her as he “wasn’t the type” and I ruminated that we never really know another person inside out and that I wouldn’t trust anyone else 100% - and maybe not even myself.

Perhaps everyone is ‘the type’ given the (im)perfect storm of opportunity, cognitive dissonance and a fragile ego , and that maybe anyone could cheat in the right/wrong circumstances? It’s just that some of us never put ourselves in that position.

She said she wished she’d never found out and a lot of people say the same, so his follow up isn’t that outrageous either to be fair.

What do you need explained? He thinks that cheating is ok however being caught cheating, trying to catch someone cheating or telling somebody that you cheated is not ok

What is confusing about that? The mans telling you he will cheat but that won't be as bad as you ending a relationship because he cheated.

Tbf I think the part about not telling someone you've cheated and just ending the relationship is fine. If you've fucked up, have the decency to walk away without breaking their heart any more than necessary. Of course that changes if they have suspicions that you have cheated. Because obviously gaslighting isn't OK.

I also think it's true that no one knows what 15 years from now will bring. No one truly knows what scenarios could pop up that could cause us to act contrary to how we always thought we would. We're all human. Subject to intense emotions and circumstances and making mistakes.

The problem for me is...why is he saying this to you? Its not the sort of thing you should say to someone you are dating because its bound to make them worry that you are cheating or would consider it. I think it would put anyone on edge if a partner said it to them.

The second part regarding cheating and then keeping it a secret but ending the relationship isn't too bad. I believe in full transparency but if you're going to do the right thing and end it, then it's not a huge deal if you don't tell them why, especially if it's someone who will be absolutely crippled by it.

However, a huge red flag is him saying that he can't promise you he will never cheat. Is he for real??? Of course no one knows what will happen in the future. But if you're in a committed relationship, why would you even think that you might cheat in the future?

I'd break it off if I were you because let's face it, he's cast doubt in your mind now and there is no getting rid of that. He's setting you up for the future for if he ever did cheat, he can say "I told you so". Do your future self a favour and call it a day with this one.

I wouldn't trust him after that, he doesn't know what's around the corner, meaning if the opportunity is there then he'll take it and if he does he'll plan on keeping it a secret. Best ditch him before you get married.

Bin him. He’s not worth the fucking hassle.

All seems odd very odd. Maybe he was in a relationship.and cheated? his way of saying if you do then just say you didn't and walk away plus the 5/10/15yr thing seems like a opt out for him.

He hasn't introduced you to people after two years and 'normally steps up when you ask him to'? What does the second bit mean? He doesn't sound worth any hassle let alone the possible soul crushing experience of being cheated on.

This is what worries me. I think any woman would be hearing that 😕

I’ve met his children but not his mum and the rest of his immediate family. He says that’s not important to him.🤷🏻‍♀️He says he’s not ‘good in relationships’ so I have to tell him what I want. I’ve felt like I’ve chased him most of the relationship tbh. Lost count of the amount of times I’ve cried over him not doing simple things you’d expect in a relationship. He says he’s ‘not normal’ and I deserve better, sometimes he does step up and I feel happy but it’s up and down

FGS woman. Raise your bar.

This dude has told and shown you he’s a shit boyfriend straight up in a dozen different ways.

Without judgement, why are you still clinging on to a relationship that is below your own standards?

Sorry I can’t figure out how to reply to you all personally 🤦‍♀️But thank you for your responses. Aside from those comments he made, I haven’t been introduced to his mum and immediate family, which hurts a little after 2 years. He says these things aren’t important to him 🤷🏻‍♀️Even though he knows it is to me. He struggles to share his life with me and still he has ‘his weekends’ where we don’t share them together. He says that’s not a reflection of me just ‘he has responsibilities’ meaning his kids, but they have met me and like me, so not duet why he always says that. He says he could never marry because he doesn’t believe people can stand up there and promise things they can’t predict 😏….aside from all this I’ve had 3 years of dating rubbish men and believe it or not he’s the best out of them. I don’t want to stay alone as I’m not getting any younger ( 40 ) but the thought of starting from the beginning terrifies me 😔…..but I’ll stay strong, I see a therapist every now and then so I’ll figure it out. Thanks again everyone 💕

Promises never to cheat, like promises to love you for ever, are only ever a reflection of how the person feels in the moment. It's a long life and people and circumstances change. So while nice to hear, they've no real meaning, other than as an indication that the person believes themselves committed at the time of speaking.
Its possible your BF is mature and self aware enough to know this, and honest enough not to want to say something he believes may not be true. Its equally possible he is indicating a lack of commitment.
The comment needs to be taken in the context of the rest of his behaviour and personality.