Page 2 | Bf’s views on cheating…

HoneyBoo2401 · 2022-06-18T06:58:10+00:00

Please see below….sorry I’m new here and couldn’t figure out how to post 🤦♀️

Original poster

HoneyBoo2401 · 19/06/2022 07:00

CheekyHobson · 19/06/2022 06:45

This dude has told and shown you he’s a shit boyfriend straight up in a dozen different ways.

Without judgement, why are you still clinging on to a relationship that is below your own standards?

Cause tbh I’ve dated so many shit guys I guess I don’t believe in a happy ending anymore. It would be going from one crap relationship to the next. I know that’s a very pessimistic view of it all and I should be more positive, but trust me, I’ve dated liars and cheaters and never get anywhere with men. I’m 40 now and just think I’ll probably give up and just stay on my own. I am actively working on myself. I have a therapist, I’m doing DBT, I believe in becoming a better person and read a lot of self help books, I meditate, I go to the gym, I work, I take care of myself, I have friends, my life is put together, so I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I just want someone to share it all with.

OP posts:

ohmygloshes · 19/06/2022 07:00

He's giving you nothing, he's told you he'll cheat. Get rid, enjoy your time alone and make room for a proper relationship. Don't settle for this, you are completely wasting your time.

Original poster

HoneyBoo2401 · 19/06/2022 07:03

FlowerArranger · 18/06/2022 09:11

Sorry OP, I can't be bothered to read your post, but the very idea of the possibility of cheating would be a hard boundary for me.

He is testing you to see how much shit you'll be prepared to take.

Can you seriously envisage a happy ending with this prince amongst eligible men?

After dating for over three years ‘eligible men’ are not the kind of guys out there. But I know staying in a rubbish relationship for that reason is not worth it either x

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Original poster

HoneyBoo2401 · 19/06/2022 07:05

Staynow · 18/06/2022 09:13

I mean you're either a loyal and committed person or you're not. This one's not.

He struggles with commitment too I’m the sense of progressing the relationship.

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PinkButtercups · 19/06/2022 07:07

Leave.

He's openly admitted to you he's okay with cheating. He is just seeing how far he can push you.

He doesn't sound very committed. Don't waste your time.

Original poster

HoneyBoo2401 · 19/06/2022 07:10

Pinkbonbon · 18/06/2022 13:33

Tbf I think the part about not telling someone you've cheated and just ending the relationship is fine. If you've fucked up, have the decency to walk away without breaking their heart any more than necessary. Of course that changes if they have suspicions that you have cheated. Because obviously gaslighting isn't OK.

I also think it's true that no one knows what 15 years from now will bring. No one truly knows what scenarios could pop up that could cause us to act contrary to how we always thought we would. We're all human. Subject to intense emotions and circumstances and making mistakes.

The problem for me is...why is he saying this to you? Its not the sort of thing you should say to someone you are dating because its bound to make them worry that you are cheating or would consider it. I think it would put anyone on edge if a partner said it to them.

I know, this is my way of thinking too. I’m done ways I get what he’s saying. HOWEVER it’s a very bad thing to say to your partner as it doesn’t create any kind of trust and will always leave me feeling worried he was going to cheat. This was on top of me saying he was already making me hurt and insecure from other things he was doing in the relationship…..so I almost feel like either he doesn’t care about my feelings or is trying to make me insecure on purpose as some manipulation tactic 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Original poster

HoneyBoo2401 · 19/06/2022 07:19

5128gap · 19/06/2022 07:00

Promises never to cheat, like promises to love you for ever, are only ever a reflection of how the person feels in the moment. It's a long life and people and circumstances change. So while nice to hear, they've no real meaning, other than as an indication that the person believes themselves committed at the time of speaking.
Its possible your BF is mature and self aware enough to know this, and honest enough not to want to say something he believes may not be true. Its equally possible he is indicating a lack of commitment.
The comment needs to be taken in the context of the rest of his behaviour and personality.

Thank you for this…..he said the exact same thing…he said he wouldn’t cheat as it’s not in his character, but he was just being realistic about the situation in the fact that no one knows. I get it in some respects, but it is hard to hear that from your partner and creates insecurity

OP posts:

5128gap · 19/06/2022 07:37

HoneyBoo2401 · 19/06/2022 07:19

Thank you for this…..he said the exact same thing…he said he wouldn’t cheat as it’s not in his character, but he was just being realistic about the situation in the fact that no one knows. I get it in some respects, but it is hard to hear that from your partner and creates insecurity

Show quote history

There is an argument to say that people with the wisdom to understand that you can't predict every future life circumstance, every situation you'll be in and every emotion you're likely to feel, may in fact be the 'safer' option. Those who go through life naively believing they will never be tempted beyond their will of iron, and the primary relationship will always meet their needs, are often the very ones who blunder into situations where 'friendships' start to feel like more, become emotional affairs, become affairs...
Until you reach the end of your life, what you will or won't do is only ever your best guess. Awareness of this is more sensible thsn blind belief in your own infallibility.

Pinkbonbon · 19/06/2022 08:24

OK so your update changed things op because we now know why he said those things. He is manipulative and wants you to feel insecure. That's why he does all that other shit too btw, like not introducing you to his family. It's BECAUSE he knows it's important to you. Think about that for a moment.

As for him being the best of a bad lot...look, a shit sandwich that is 30% shit is just as bad as one that is 50% shit. It'll still make you ill!

As for not being alone at 40...40 is probably not even half your life! Why couldn't you have a new man at 45, 60, 70 ect...? And periods single. You obviously can't have kids with this dickhead and he doesn't even want to get married. And he's obviously not going to stick around with you forever, that much is clear. So why don't you just broom him?

Instead of fearing being single, you maybe need to try it. Because if the alternative is dating shit man/men forever...that's not life! That's a jailcell! Get him gone and spend some time single, learning how to spot nasty manipulative atseholes like him so that in future you'll find yourself with GOOD men. Because they do exist. And even if they don't, never eat a shit sandwich!

Let go of this daft idea of settling down. Fovus instead on living an emotionally healthy life where you love yourself. And where any partner, is just to add joy to your life, not detract joy from it.

I mean - Do you really want to spend the next 50 years with this cunt?

Original poster

HoneyBoo2401 · 19/06/2022 10:09

5128gap · 19/06/2022 07:37

There is an argument to say that people with the wisdom to understand that you can't predict every future life circumstance, every situation you'll be in and every emotion you're likely to feel, may in fact be the 'safer' option. Those who go through life naively believing they will never be tempted beyond their will of iron, and the primary relationship will always meet their needs, are often the very ones who blunder into situations where 'friendships' start to feel like more, become emotional affairs, become affairs...
Until you reach the end of your life, what you will or won't do is only ever your best guess. Awareness of this is more sensible thsn blind belief in your own infallibility.

Show quote history

I totally understand what you are saying. The funny thing is I never even questioned his loyalty in that way and always trusted him. Him saying this comment now makes me question him though and feel insecure. Not sure why he would want to make me feel that way when I’ve already told him I’m insecure ( due to other things he’s done in the relationship )

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CheekyHobson · 19/06/2022 10:21

While I don’t think it’s possible to 100 percent promise you’ll love someone forever or that you will never fall in love with someone else, promising you won’t cheat on your partner seems like something that’s within anyone’s control. That’s a choice that comes down to being able to show basic respect, for the other person but just as importantly for yourself and your own integrity.

If someone could not promise me they wouldn’t cheat, I would have serious questions about the strength of their sense of self.

5128gap · 19/06/2022 10:21

I think the context is important. There's a difference in him saying that in a conversation about loyalty and commitment and just coming out with it. While I don't think his view makes him any more or less likely to cheat than someone who professes to be certain they won't; I think you're right to question his motives in deciding to share this apropos of nothing. Especially as you say, when he knows you struggle with security.
Its possible its less him cheating you need to be concerned about, and more his seeming need to have you in a state of uncertainty (aka you putting in huge effort to prevent him straying)

5128gap · 19/06/2022 10:27

CheekyHobson · 19/06/2022 10:21

While I don’t think it’s possible to 100 percent promise you’ll love someone forever or that you will never fall in love with someone else, promising you won’t cheat on your partner seems like something that’s within anyone’s control. That’s a choice that comes down to being able to show basic respect, for the other person but just as importantly for yourself and your own integrity.

If someone could not promise me they wouldn’t cheat, I would have serious questions about the strength of their sense of self.

Vanishingly few people would fail to promise you they wouldn't cheat. Huge numbers of them turn out to be wrong. People cheat or they don't, dependent on a complex melting pot of personality, feelings and circumstances. What they tell you about their intentions is unfortunately not a reliable predictor of future behaviour, so is largely meaningless.

MMmomDD · 19/06/2022 11:23

@HoneyBoo2401

I think your BF is a little on a spectrum. The way you describe him - he seems quite literal and a little different from what we consider the usual expectation (‘norm’) for social interactions/ relationships. And I think he knows it - he probably heard other partners remarking on him being different.

What he said is all true - no one can really promise anything. And no one knows what will be in 5/10/15 years. And marriage promises are meant at the moment; this is why so many marriages fail.
But most people won’t say any of that because we are conditioned to not be this literal. And we all want to believe and hope for a fairytale.

All that said - I am sure a relationship with someone like him isn’t easy. You sort of need to accept his personality as it is - what he can give you and what he can’t.
(And, btw - I don’t think him wanting to spend some weekends on his own / with his kids is wrong in any way. Even if the kids know and like you - they should to have their own time with their dad, if that is what they all want.)

For what it’s worth - given your description of him - I don’t think he said any of this because he wanted to cheat. And I don’t think he is any likelier to actually cheat than anyone else. If anything - given how literal he is - if it were to happen - he will do what he says - will just leave, rather than lie and hide it.

madasawethen · 19/06/2022 12:07

Time to dump this one off.
He's a twat that makes you cry.

Every additional day you stay with him, that's one less day you could be finding a truly decent guy.

Original poster

HoneyBoo2401 · 19/06/2022 21:04

MMmomDD · 19/06/2022 11:23

@HoneyBoo2401

I think your BF is a little on a spectrum. The way you describe him - he seems quite literal and a little different from what we consider the usual expectation (‘norm’) for social interactions/ relationships. And I think he knows it - he probably heard other partners remarking on him being different.

What he said is all true - no one can really promise anything. And no one knows what will be in 5/10/15 years. And marriage promises are meant at the moment; this is why so many marriages fail.
But most people won’t say any of that because we are conditioned to not be this literal. And we all want to believe and hope for a fairytale.

All that said - I am sure a relationship with someone like him isn’t easy. You sort of need to accept his personality as it is - what he can give you and what he can’t.
(And, btw - I don’t think him wanting to spend some weekends on his own / with his kids is wrong in any way. Even if the kids know and like you - they should to have their own time with their dad, if that is what they all want.)

For what it’s worth - given your description of him - I don’t think he said any of this because he wanted to cheat. And I don’t think he is any likelier to actually cheat than anyone else. If anything - given how literal he is - if it were to happen - he will do what he says - will just leave, rather than lie and hide it.

Oh my goodness. Thank you for your comment. Literally everything you said was pretty much spot on! He’s always accepted he’s not easy to be with and says he wishes he was ‘normal’ and things were easier on me. He does try but says he struggles to do ‘normal’ things….I never quite understood what he meant by that. He is very literal, i am very emotional which is why i think our communication is difficult. We express love differently and sometimes the way he expresses it is hard on me as it’s not always with hearts and rainbows. I know I have to accept the love he gives in his way.
His ex struggled with the same issues with him, and eventually ended things. Mainly due to him not being able to progress the relationship. He says he’s not scared of committing, he just doesn’t understand how to.🤷🏻‍♀️
I do love him, but it’s not an easy relationship….

OP posts:

madasawethen · 19/06/2022 23:44

Is he employed?
How does he do with his boss and coworkers?
What is he like around his family?

Itstimetoquit · 20/06/2022 00:37

Run.....fast

MissTrip82 · 20/06/2022 02:53

I find it very immature when people say they're not the kind to cheat. Presumably most people who have cheated thought that of themselves at one point. People who think it's 'not in their nature' have no impetus to take protective steps - to shut down conversations heading in the wrong direction, to dial back friendships that are becoming emotional affairs - because they think when it really comes down to it they won't act on it.

Realistic people actually adjust their behaviour at one of the many many decision points before they cheat. Because they know that nobody is immune, and that positive choices and actions to avoid things deteriorating to that point are important.