I'm over sensitive - is this over sensitive?

[HSperson]

I'm in therapy at the moment for many things but one thing I've realised is I am a highly sensitive person. It's an actual thing - nit a personality disorder as such but there are many people like me out there. It all makes perfect sense.

Since finding this out, I've been very emotional. I haven't been able to stop the tears. I let all this out to my husband earlier. And while he did lay with me and hug me for a while, he got up and told me he needed to go collect something non urgent from Argos and left me still sobbing.

Am I over reacting here? I am not the type of person that would say 'can you stay with me instead?' as I just have no self esteem and haven't since a child. I was rarely comforted when I was upset as a kid so I don't expect it to happen now.

You can all tell me I'm overreacting- that's fine. I need to know. I'm just absolutely going through the mill at the moment and I'm the one that needs support for once and I don't really know what I should be doing expecting from people in terms of someone actually being there for me for a change

How long had he been comforting you? It sounds like he was trying to be there for you but maybe the crying was getting to him and he needed a break.

About 10 minutes I'd say. In all honesty, he wanted sex initially but I said no as I just wasn't in the mood and got emotional from that. That's how the crying started.

U sure you're not just confusing being normal with a shit partner with being highly sensitive?

Not saying we have enough to go on to say he's shit but be aware that people winning abused or perhaps, with chronic low self esteem that may be the result of historical abuse or neglect, are often encouraged to feel (by abuser) or do feel as a result of their past, as if having normal ŕeactions to people being shitty to them is actually them 'overreacting' or being 'oversensitive'.

If something bothers you, you have every right to feel bothered. Theyre you're feelings and you hqve every right to them.

• people who've been abused

Not winning

In order to be 'over-sensitive' there has to be a 'correct' level of sensitive, a level we 'ought' to be. But there isn't. There's no external way of evaluating your sensitivity for 'rightness' or 'wrongness'.

Your sensitivity is part of what makes you you. It's not wrong. It's not 'too much'. It's something that you have to take care of, and take responsibility for. One of the main ways of doing that is to not put yourself in situations that hurt you.

The other main thing is to realise that becoming an adult means not that your child self goes away or grows up, but that you stop needing parents so much, because you look after your own child-self. She's still in there. She still has never been heard, listened to, comforted. But now, it's your job to do that. You can do it by finding supportive people, and you can do it by supporting yourself.

Do you have supportive people? Are you supporting yourself? Posting on here is good start, but not to find out what you should be expecting. People who love you will do their damnedest to give you what you need. People who love you won't leave you crying alone. You should be expecting 'What do you need?'

Posting here to tell us you need support is better. Asking for support in any way is better. Ask your friends for support, ask your family, ask whoever you think might support you; ask yourself. How do you offer yourself support when you feel bad? What lovely, kind, sweet things do you do for yourself?

My ex used to say I was too sensitive. Since he became my ex I've realised that he was cruel and I'm normal.

Sorry, have I misunderstood, you cried for 10 minutes as a response to not being in the mood for sex?

You're not over sensitive, you're your level 9f sensitive.

Tbh, if my boyfriend wanted sex and I didn't, the absolute last thing I'd do is cry. Was your emotional response appropriate to him initiating sex? Was he nasty? Is that why you cried? Although I can't imagine why you'd want him to comfort you if it was.

Never in my life has someone laid down with me while I cry and I've never done it either except with my children when they were very small.

Do you cry often? Because that would probably become quite wearing, I'd imagine.

That's how I read it too.

It sounds like when he realised you weren't going to calm down and have sex with him, he used bogging off to Argos as an excuse to get away.

What exactly were you crying about?

Highly sensitive people are a thing. They feel emotions more intensively than other people. A bit like people with Borderline Personality disorder- though they can't regulate their emotions and have further issues too.
Of course you can seek comfort from your partner but the bottom line is that it is your responsibility to educate yourself and work on strategies to help yourself. It is not anyone else's responsibility to make you better or make you happy.

It's not like BPD, @VastQuantities

Bad comparison.

No sorry I'll be clearer. I have therapy each week and my last session (a couple of days ago) left me very emotional. I've gone from what I thought to be a normal childhood was actually abusive. I'm dealing with that and realising what an impact it's had on my adult life. I'm also dealing realising my dad actually doesn't love and never has love me.

My therapist has said that I am what is known as a highly sensitive person as has recommended some books for me to read.

Me and my husband have had issues, we had briefly separated, he's in therapy too and are both trying to work on ourselves as individuals.

I'm also doing a mindfulness course which was this morning. I left that feeling very emotional too.

I had already had it in mind that I needed to speak to H with how I was feeling, my eyes have been full of tears all day. H has no idea about this at all. I would do cried at anything he said to me I think. It wasn't to do with sex but that was obviously the last thing I wanted.

Before I left him, I was feeling very unloved by him. Things are improving massively but I guess I just expected more from him.

Equally though I go above and beyond to help everyone and anyone so I never know if I expect too much from others a I go way OTT

I agree. It's not a personality disorder by any means though it is a known type of personality also.

It's making a lot of sense as to why I'm like this, pieces are fitting together, I'm just finding it very emotional. Probably letting things out I've held inside for years

The only thing I’d caution is labelling yourself as highly sensitive and then living up to thr label is not healthy. Partly it reads like you’ve been told this is what you are so now you feel free to let loose.

you are crying an awful lot. Which is a sign of being deeply unhappy but on the flip side it’s very hard to live with someone in this constant state. I think comforting uou for ten mins is enough to be honest. If my husband was doing the same I’d probably give ten mins and leave.

it’s ok to be where you are emotionally but it’s important to understand the impact on anyone living with you.

Yeah I understand that completely. I've spent our entire relationship helping H deal with his issues. Everything was about him and nothing about me which in turn led to me leaving.

Like I said, things have improved massively and he is making a considerable effort to change. He was desperate to reconcile and I suppose I just expected more, I thought he would live up to his promises - to be the one who felt loved for once. We don't live together right now so it's maybe just ringing alarm bells for me .

Everything @Begoniasforever said ^

and this
Never in my life has someone laid down with me while I cry and I've never done it either except with my children when they were very small.
Do you cry often? Because that would probably become quite wearing, I'd imagine.

Oh I just want to add - I absolutely don't want to be this label as 'highly sensitive person'. Absolutely not, it's good to know as I've already said, things are starting to click into place for me. That's the part I'm finding emotional. But this morning in my mindfulness course, she told me to think positively about it as it's a good place to be - to realise. It's the way to start practicing thinking of things differently

I never cry in front of people as I learnt as a kid, my parents never did anything even if I did so i actually find it really uncomfortable.

I've tried to hide it the last few days but I just haven't been able to this afternoon

@Begoniasforever

I think comforting uou for ten mins is enough to be honest. If my husband was doing the same I’d probably give ten mins and leave

Would you stand up and say 'Right, I'm off to Argos now!' whilst he was still crying, though? I can see why someone might not want to sit and watch their partner cry, but 10 minutes isn't very long, and there are sensitive ways of doing it.

Umm that’s sounds abusive or not normal - you want to talk and am upset and he wants sex 😠

@Dominuse he didn't know I was emotional when he asked for sex

Can you talk to him about why he left you to cry and how he was feeling at the time and how it made you feel?

My therapist has said that I am what is known as a highly sensitive person

Not all professionals would believe in that. It helped me when I realized/was told I have Borderline traits. EMDR therapy is great for trauma and whatever you want to call it, you also have trauma. I'd recommend EMDR for everyone who's experiencing things that are effects of trauma.

I don't like the juxtaposition of sex and you being upset. It sounds like he wasn't recognizing what page you were on and is overly into sex.

I had a boyfriend that used to try and get sex out of me frequently, at a time in my life when I was very down. I'd be about to have sex with him and thinking 'I'm in hell and no one can see.' We wanted/needed different things from a relationship. He would also storm out of the house when I wasn't well and I would've appreciated support. That I wasn't a happy joyful sex toy at all times, annoyed him.

There was another guy I cried on. I think by crying I was wanting the relationship to have a level of depth that it didn't have (plus prbably was a bit pissed lol.) He proceeded to shag me.