I'm over sensitive - is this over sensitive?

[HSperson]

I'm in therapy at the moment for many things but one thing I've realised is I am a highly sensitive person. It's an actual thing - nit a personality disorder as such but there are many people like me out there. It all makes perfect sense.

Since finding this out, I've been very emotional. I haven't been able to stop the tears. I let all this out to my husband earlier. And while he did lay with me and hug me for a while, he got up and told me he needed to go collect something non urgent from Argos and left me still sobbing.

Am I over reacting here? I am not the type of person that would say 'can you stay with me instead?' as I just have no self esteem and haven't since a child. I was rarely comforted when I was upset as a kid so I don't expect it to happen now.

You can all tell me I'm overreacting- that's fine. I need to know. I'm just absolutely going through the mill at the moment and I'm the one that needs support for once and I don't really know what I should be doing expecting from people in terms of someone actually being there for me for a change

You don't know if you would be a 'highly sensitive person' if all the things that have happened to you, all the trauma, hadn't happened. Either way, therapy should make you more emotionally resilient. That's what I personally went into it for. If I'd been told I was a 'highly sensitive person' I don't think it would've helped me. Instead I processed trauma and became less 'highly sensitive' in the sense of being better able to deal with stressful situations etc (which in my case is a very good thing IMHO.)

I think it's quite crap that he would leave to Argos when you're crying. However I'm also a very direct person and don't allow things like that to fester.... I would say to my DH "Do you really need to go now? I'm feeling upset and need support. If you leave right now I'm going to feel really hurt." And if he still chose to leave that would be all I needed to know about his priorities.... (However if he was feeling overwhelmed by your feelings and needed a break, I would also expect him to be able to communicate that "I don't want to hurt you and I want to be here for you but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and need a break. Can we agree I go to Argos for a small break and come back and you can tell me more about how you're feeling?").

I would definitely suggest having an open and honest discussion about how him leaving has hurt you. You have a right to your feelings and only resentment can come from minimising them. He should also have a chance to express his side of the situation because it may be different from what you imagine.

To be honest, you sound like awfully hard work and your therapist isn't helping by encouraging you in your self-obsessive, self-indulgent mindset. You were fine with your childhood and now suddenly it's 'abusive'? How convenient.

In the kindest possible way, please learn to live like the rest of us - control your emotions, act like an adult and stop thinking you're something special. If that sounds difficult (and it's not easy), do what everyone else does - fake it until you make it.

What a vile post.

I think the 'highly sensitive person' label can be helpful for some people. It helps you recognise that you are more likely to be uncomfortable about things other people take in their stride. It gives you permission to recognise your discomfort and address it.

But! It does not give you permission to expect other people to dance around you!

Something you may not have been told, is that having an erratic, abusive parent leads you to be hyper vigilant. You are very aware of the mood of people around you (like a highly sensitive person), as a protective mechanism.

You are likely to be an appeaser, to mask your own discomfort and concentrate on keeping people around you happy so they are less likely to lash out at you. All this makes you appear 'highly sensitive'- perhaps empathic.

Thing is, people hear that and immediately think 'self absorbed, self indulgent narcissist'- as some of the comments above display.

Such a shame, as it's the very opposite.

Keep up the therapy, OP, and be gentle with yourself. You need to be looking after you, not worrying about him. You may be better on your own for a while.

Agreed @Saracenia

A hell of a lot of people don't realise they had a damaging childhood until they're well out of it.

Crying and wanting support from your partner isn't self indulgent or hard work.

Advising someone upset to try to be more like other people is cruel.

Horrible post.

Take no notice, OP. As you can see from the other comments, this is far from a universal view.

It's blunt but not 'vile'. People experience emotions. All people. But regular prolonged crying isn't something adults should be doing. The OP does need to learn to manage her own emotions as do all of us.

Take no notice, OP. As you can see from the other comments, this is far from a universal view.

Other people have said very similar just in less direct terms.

I am learning to manage my emotions! That's the whole point! It is absolutely acceptable to go through periods of sadness which is what I am doing at the moment. It's ok to cry. It's called healing.

Of course it's fine to cry. For me though, watching someone cry and trying to comfort them when there is nothing constructive to do to help, makes me twitchy. Tell me what I need to actually do and I'll do it. If I am just required to shut up and stroke your hair, I'm not the person for that job and 10 minutes would be all I could manage.

Yes, and the opposite. Not here to bunfight, just encouraging OP not to take notice of unsympathetic posts when she's feeling vulnerable. Basic human decency.

Very much this.

I do think that, unless it's in response to something specific which one can be supported through (eg bereavement, job loss, just a really shitty day at work), crying due to use 'feeling a bit emotional' is actually draining to experience second hand.

It's reasonable to expect support through an actual crisis but crying due to feeling emotional or processing thoughts is really something best done in private. Largely because it, ultimately, achieves nothing.

crying due to use 'feeling a bit emotional' is actually draining to experience second hand

Again though, that's your experience. I don't feel like that with my partner, and never have with previous partners. Nor have they with me.

crying due to feeling emotional or processing thoughts is really something best done in private. Largely because it, ultimately, achieves nothing

Crying has many functions. Some people feel they get a lot from it, n terms of release and relief. Reassuring your partner when they're upset is a powerful bonding experience for some. If it leaves you cold, that's fine, but it's not fair to make OP feel like her experience is an empty waste of time, when there are many other ways to receive the same experience.

If you’ve lived a life time suppressing emotions and feeling numb, when they start to emerge and you FEEL them it can be scary, overwhelming and all consuming. The see-saw has tipped the opposite way. In time it will return to equilibrium. You are doing the right thing expressing those emotions and letting them out. Men are notoriously bad at being emotionally supportive. And as you can see from this thread there are a few women who have not experience emotional pain and torment like you are going through. Emotional pain is felt in the same part of the brain as physical pain…we wouldn’t tell someone with a broken leg to “suck it up” and get on with things like a “normal” person.
I hope you can find some support locally.

There are a lot of support groups out there, there’s one called “adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families”…

www.adultchildrenofalcoholics.co.uk

You may find more understanding and compassion from people who have been through similar experiences to yourself. When you come out the other side you will be able to spot people who have done their own self-work and are self aware versus ignorant people who have never experienced trauma and don’t understand it one iota. Good luck xx

That's so helpful, thank you very much xx

I have read the book by Elaine Aron “The Highly Sensitive Person” and I believe it makes perfect sense. It explains that in about 20% of the population their brain processes the external environment more acutely than the other 80%. Therefore this greater stimulation has an effect on the emotions. It’s possibly an evolutionary development in the same way that left handedness is. It makes sense for a small section of the group to hold back from a new situation, in case there is a danger the rest of the group don’t see.

I think there may be some overlap with some aspects of introversion, and possibly people who feel they are neuro diverse, though it is separate to autism and ADHD.

Its why ND people feel relief when they get a diagnosis. It helps them make sense of the world and why they always felt like the square peg in a round hole. It’s the same for HSP’s.

id say to the OP, just go with it, read the book and other articles online. See if it really resonates and if so share it with those closest to you. Realise that it’s not always easy for non HSPs to understand, and may take some time.

Dont worry about the crying. If this is all new to you then you do need to reappraise the past and re-evaluate your emotional response to it. You will learn how to express what you need from your husband, and he will also learn what he can do to help.

yes, there will be times when being an HSP is difficult and the people around you have no idea and dont/won’t/can’t understand.

But knowledge is power and you now have a tool to help you. In a way it’s a little bit like being left handed in a right handed world. Only you will notice all the little ways and times life is just that bit more difficult. Evolution decided I needed to be left handed, and that’s good enough for me.

Whilst you're right, the OP (or anyone else) can't expect people to lie with her for prolonged periods while she is crying. The crying is normal. Expecting someone to be there with you every step of the way is unsustainable. He did give her emotional support but no one can be there for another person at all times. Life goes on and other things need to get done.

@GreyCarpet

Your posts are heartless and cold. OP is going through a hard time. Crying is normal, as is expecting support from your spouse. 10 minutes isn't a prolonged period, and 'I'm off to Argos' isn't an appropriate response to OP's emotional state. If it was, she wouldn't have posted here.

Thank you for the supportive posts. @GreyCarpet reminds me very much of my father, it could of been my father writing that below reply so I'm well aware how cold people can be at times.