DH and woman playing Whatsapp Tennis

[Notatennisfan]

Hand hold needed if anyone is awake.

For a while I have had some suspicions about my DH and a woman we know. So, I had a look at their activity on WhatsApp saw that DH was online for a few minutes, then as soon as he went offline she was immediately online for a few minutes. As soon as she went offline, he was then immediately online. Immediately, not even a delay of a few seconds. Like passing the ball in a game of tennis. This has happened a few times a day when he is at work.

Don’t judge me but it was freaking me out so much, tonight I managed to access his phone and couldn’t see any messages between the two of them. Then I searched their groups in common and found a group chat with just the two of them hidden in his archive folder. There were some recent messages but nothing dodgy but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t deleted them. But the whole thing feels suspicious. Especially the hiding in the archive folder as that means the messages don’t pop up on his phone.

I’m not sure what I’m asking for. Maybe reassurance that it is just a coincidence?

How it did it all pan out, Sofa? Are you still together?

@KangFang We are, it's a very long story and my husband has moved heaven and earth for us to get there, but I'd say we are very happy and life is good now.

But I'd recognise this instantly if it started again. It is a gut feeling that you just can't shake. There's a light that goes off in their eyes. It's one of the most painful experiences of my life. I really feel for anyone going through it.

Cheating is immoral too and in my opinion emotional abuse.

She can easily unlink his device once she has the proof she needs.

I’ve read several threads from men who have done a similar thing @simonlebone and in fact the responses are pretty similar whether it’s a male or female who has got to this point (unless there’s aggravating factors such as any controlling elements).

Seriously Miss Starry. My take is that your advice is ridiculous. The op suspects or has a hunch that her partner is having an affair based on what her gut, her instinct? If you're at the stage of illegally trying to login to your partner's accounts then your relationship is done already in my view. I think a lot of you poster's like stirring the pot. Op, be a grown up and talk to your partner.

What exactly are you on about @simonlebone ? I haven’t given the OP any advice at all, nor commented on the rights or wrongs?!

So you sound slightly deranged and ridiculous with assertions of “people like me” 😅

Miss Starry my apologies, the comment was meant for illnevertell. Genuine mistake and absolutely no need to call me deranged.

@simonlebone

do you think that ‘asking him outright’ will make him tell the truth..?

there are hundreds of threads on here where people confront their cheating partners with irrefutable proof of cheating, and they still lie

its absolutely delusional to think that OP can say ‘hey, I’ve noticed a weird pattern of whatsapp use between you and her. What’s going on?’ And that he will tell her the truth

so what are you hoping will be achieved by showing all the cards to a possible/probable cheat? He confesses all, or he denies it all and covers tracks better..?

SW1amp

do you think that ‘asking him outright’ will make him tell the truth.

Yes/no/perhaps.

there are hundreds of threads on here where people confront their cheating partners with irrefutable proof of cheating, and they still lie

its absolutely delusional to think that OP can say ‘hey, I’ve noticed a weird pattern of whatsapp use between you and her. What’s going on?’ And that he will tell her the truth.

Isn't it just as delusional to be glued to watching patterns of online activity on WhatsApp? ". It's obsessive and can't do much for anxiety. If the OP has a suspicion and believes something might be going on then there's no reason to believe she should not be confident in having a conversation about it with him (unless she's worried about aggression). Perhaps if she asks him directly instead of snooping he might admit to cheating or deny. The OP knows her husband so she will more than likely have an inkling or know if he's hiding something, or not.

so what are you hoping will be achieved by showing all the cards to a possible/probable cheat? He confesses all, or he denies it all and covers tracks better..?

People have different ways of dealing with situations or worries. Accessing someone's personal messages is controlling and abusive behaviour. Regardless of your motives. Proof obtained this way is a violation of her partner's right to online privacy even if it turns out he's cheating and/or if her thoughts about their WhatsApp online activity turns out to be true.

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I would be suspicious too OP in these circumstances.

Sounds like your DH has done things the right way, after the affair.
A very good outcome.

Can you see them on any other medium? Such as messenger.

I archive messages sometimes

This would definitely make me suspicious but it isn't necessarily a slam dunk in terms of evidence.

I archive all conversations that aren't current or that I wouldn't feel the need to be on top of all the time. I usually have five or less active chats on the front page. That in itself isn't a red flag to me but people do behave differently with this kind of thing. I do also have one or two group chats with just one other person because (for example) it was originally only three people in it and one left. I kept the group chat because it might have info in it I still wanted. If they are actively using this chat group, that's stranger but not conclusive imo.

I think your only option here is to keep watching. You don't have enough to confront without him denying it as you have nothing really to go back at him with. It's also an issue how you came about the information so he will probably (quite rightly) be pissed off about how you invaded his privacy. I'm not saying I don't understand why you did it, but it's still not okay and will lose you the moral high ground since your evidence is flimsy.

FWIW though, my radar would be going off if this was my DP.

@Notatennisfan I archive some of my chats. My notifications come down at the top of my phone and the amount of time I’ve accidentally clicked immediately on a message and been unable to reply (work)
ive nothing to hide, just allows me to reply when ready

@Notatennisfan hope everything is OK. It doesn't sound good though.
I would be worried too.

Thanks for all the replies. I had another look at their messages and they feel a bit flirty, but that just might be my view on it. Her saying “Hi you!” And asking for advice on what she should wear for a date with someone. If I speak to him about it, he’s going to hide it more, isn’t he?

Does he often give other women advice on what to wear ?

He’s just warming up. He knows what he’s doing

She's asking someone elses DH what she should wear? Oh dear.

Yes he'll deny, hide and find another way.

Oh dear, doesn't look good. Sounds like she's teasing him a bit by mentioning other dates and asking his advice to keep him invested. What are his replies like?

Omg!!!! I would
Not tolerate that.
She is fishing here. Trying to get his attention or at least make him think about her. It's teenage behaviour.

There is no need for her to ask his opinion about these things beyond making herself open to his 'suggestions'. 🚩

OMG...how did she find out about him and the friend?

What sort of style guru are you married to, op? Time to admit what's happening - to yourself - and confront him/them.

Looks as though he is trying to hide the messages by archiving them.

I agree with what other posters have said though, and would bide my time for now and hope to get more concrete evidence in place before confronting him over it.