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Original poster

DH and woman playing Whatsapp Tennis

75 replies

Notatennisfan · 17/06/2022 04:25

Hand hold needed if anyone is awake.

For a while I have had some suspicions about my DH and a woman we know. So, I had a look at their activity on WhatsApp saw that DH was online for a few minutes, then as soon as he went offline she was immediately online for a few minutes. As soon as she went offline, he was then immediately online. Immediately, not even a delay of a few seconds. Like passing the ball in a game of tennis. This has happened a few times a day when he is at work.

Don’t judge me but it was freaking me out so much, tonight I managed to access his phone and couldn’t see any messages between the two of them. Then I searched their groups in common and found a group chat with just the two of them hidden in his archive folder. There were some recent messages but nothing dodgy but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t deleted them. But the whole thing feels suspicious. Especially the hiding in the archive folder as that means the messages don’t pop up on his phone.

I’m not sure what I’m asking for. Maybe reassurance that it is just a coincidence?

OP posts:
Didimum · 17/06/2022 13:34

I'd keep an eye on the whatssapp tennis for a few weeks.

justamushypea · 17/06/2022 13:46

Yes, keep your powder dry and observe for a while.
Don't let him know you are watching and if something is going on one of them will trip up.
I hope you are wrong though. It's a horrible feeling.

gogogadgetgo · 17/06/2022 13:55

Just wanted to say I put recent chats in archive because then I'm not disturbed by new messages pinging up on my phone/watch.

(Class chat can get quite tedious when a mufti day/trip is coming up!)

You can have it so new messages in archive don't move it automatically out of archive. So I can see there's a new message but it stays out of the way.

But for someone like this I guess you have to ask why he's archived it. Is it also to stop notifications pinging up. And why.

Sorry you're going through this.

Herejustforthisone · 17/06/2022 14:16

@MolliciousIntent you’re always so unkind to posters.

OP, if you have suspicions, they’ll be based on more than you’ve written here, probably. Look for proof.

RedMischief · 17/06/2022 14:17

I knew someone who communicated with his OW via a less-common messaging app than WhatsApp. They had an innocently-named group chat but it was just the two of them in it. They deleted most messages as they went along, the app was hidden in another folder, the group was archived, notifications were off and they were almost never online at the same time having an active conversation, but it was very much like tennis on occasion. I hope there is a more innocent explanation here, OP.

Cath57 · 17/06/2022 15:09

What else made you suspicious, OP?

simonlebone · 17/06/2022 15:58

I don't understand Surely it would make sense for them to be both online at the same time of chatting? I'm obviously missing something. I'm with the previous poster that said 'what else made you suspicious?'. Why would you check this, even? Is the woman' you have suspicions about on your contact list too?

Witchofthedales · 17/06/2022 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Rude and uncalled for.

SW1amp · 17/06/2022 18:46

Check some settings of the group they are in…

is disappearing messages turned on?
do photos save to camera roll?

if yes to disappearing messages and no to camera, it’s been deliberately set up to be dodgy

You can try also going into settings and network usage, and resetting it to zero, then checking back in a few days to see if there are more calls and MB of data than tallies with the visible (ie
not deleted) messages

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 17/06/2022 18:49

What has made you suspicious?

I agree with previous poster and keep an eye on the ‘WhatsApp Tennis’ and if it continues then you know it is the two of them messaging each other.

The archiving of the messages is a bit strange however I do archive chats in WhatsApp if I don’t regularly message that person but also with recent WhatsApp updates it does mean you don’t get notifications so it’s rather convenient for a cheating partner.

Didimum · 17/06/2022 18:54

I kind of disagree with the ‘wouldn’t they both be online at the same’ time angle. Like, yes - that’s sometimes the case, but not always. I very frequently exit WhatsApp between messages. It’s not always clear how long the other person will take to reply/type and I often have better things to do than watch and wait for a reply. If the a WhatsApp tennis it’s happening consistently and often, then to be honest it’s way too much of a coincidence.

I am 100% a supporter of trusting your gut.

girlmom21 · 17/06/2022 18:55

OP if there's not even a couple of seconds between them going on and offline you wouldn't switch between conversations fast enough to see it and if they were immediately responding to each other they probably wouldn't ever show last seen they'd just look like they're permanently online

SW1amp · 17/06/2022 18:56

And if he has an iPhone, turn on frequent locations…

Oopsiedaisyy · 17/06/2022 20:31

You'd have to be silly to have an affair via WhatsApp, lots of other messaging options

Original poster
Notatennisfan · 17/06/2022 23:05

justamushypea · 17/06/2022 13:46

Yes, keep your powder dry and observe for a while.
Don't let him know you are watching and if something is going on one of them will trip up.
I hope you are wrong though. It's a horrible feeling.

It really is a horrible feeling. I’m embarrassed to say I’ve been observing this for about a month already. I’m not sure what else to look out for. His behaviour seems a bit off, I can’t really explain how. He kept mentioning her name in conversation then suddenly stopped a month ago. We’ve seen her a few times and their interactions seem different than before.

OP posts:
Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 17/06/2022 23:07

A month? And have then been online simultaneously then?
In my experience a change in behaviour is a big indicator that there has been a shift in their relationship so no wonder you’re on edge.

is there anyway he has time to see her without you knowing?

Original poster
Notatennisfan · 17/06/2022 23:18

girlmom21 · 17/06/2022 18:55

OP if there's not even a couple of seconds between them going on and offline you wouldn't switch between conversations fast enough to see it and if they were immediately responding to each other they probably wouldn't ever show last seen they'd just look like they're permanently online

You can open whatsapp on the web so I can see it on my phone and on my laptop. He is online for a few minutes, then goes offline. She immediately goes online for a few minutes then goes offline. He immediately goes online and so on. Sometimes a few times, but sometimes up to 30 minutes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notatennisfan · 17/06/2022 23:22

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 17/06/2022 23:07

A month? And have then been online simultaneously then?
In my experience a change in behaviour is a big indicator that there has been a shift in their relationship so no wonder you’re on edge.

is there anyway he has time to see her without you knowing?

There are many times they could meet up if they wanted to. Thank you for making me feel I’m not losing my mind.

OP posts:
Oodie29 · 17/06/2022 23:40

In my experience the transition from constant talking about her to no longer mentioning her indicates a change or development in their relationship. Likely it has moved on from mutual admiration to some kind of inappropriate contact, physical or otherwise. Probably physical though.

WhatsApp tennis is also familiar for me, I lost many hours trying to make sense of it all, stalking their statuses online. When they're at work especially they can't sit on their phones for hours straight, it has to be more covert. And if they don't have phone notifications set up, they have to proactively check to see if a response has come in.

I didn't get the truth until I heard him on the phone to her 2 years into the affair. With OW 2 I luckily got access to his phone and exported their chat. The gaslighting is soul destroying. I'd say go with your gut, please don't also gaslight yourself.

Original poster
Notatennisfan · 18/06/2022 01:14

SW1amp · 17/06/2022 18:46

Check some settings of the group they are in…

is disappearing messages turned on?
do photos save to camera roll?

if yes to disappearing messages and no to camera, it’s been deliberately set up to be dodgy

You can try also going into settings and network usage, and resetting it to zero, then checking back in a few days to see if there are more calls and MB of data than tallies with the visible (ie
not deleted) messages

Thanks for these suggestions. The messages aren’t set to disappearing but I can see if the pictures save to the camera roll.

OP posts:
illnevertell · 18/06/2022 01:23

Notatennisfan · 17/06/2022 23:18

You can open whatsapp on the web so I can see it on my phone and on my laptop. He is online for a few minutes, then goes offline. She immediately goes online for a few minutes then goes offline. He immediately goes online and so on. Sometimes a few times, but sometimes up to 30 minutes.

Show quote history

Link his WhatsApp to WhatsApp on your laptop or phone. There are YouTube tutorials on how to do it.

Make sure to turn off 'Other notifications' in his WhatsApp app settings.

I know some people don't agree with snooping but I'd want to know the truth.

simonlebone · 18/06/2022 01:51

My understanding is that it's illegal to access someone's digital information with out their permission. Not to mention immoral. I can't imagine the furore mumsnetters would cause if it was a husband or partner posting the same thing. You have a hunch poster, ask him outright. Access his information without permission is abusive regardless of your suspicions.

KangFang · 18/06/2022 02:03

Oh, so he had mentionitis.
And then that stopped.

All of what you have said would mean, yeah, I would be worried about this.

Sofacouchboredom · 18/06/2022 07:06

Yep, this definitely happened with my husband and his AP.

It was how I knew they were still in touch when he denied it.

I already knew that they were involved though at this point. When I didn't know these were the signs

-he was distracted and uninterested in family life.
-he was snappy with me in a way he had never been before.
-he had mentionitis and then suddenly didn't
-his phone was often turned away from me , he stopped charging it out in the open
-I developed pain in my chest, sounds weird but I now know it was anxiety
-I just knew, intuition, MN seems to think this is funny until you've been through it. He'd had loads of female friends before I never batted an eyelid, but this was different.

If any of these and the WhatsApp rings true then I'd say you need to delve deeper.

BackToTheTop · 18/06/2022 07:45

This exact thing happened to me with a man I was in a relationship with, and his ex gf (I knew her). He never admitted to anything or talking to her, but when he was with me it didn't happen, when he was at home or work it did. He said it must be a glitch with WhatsApp - yeah right! We finished after a while as it just ate away any trust I had, he never admitted it, but they did go on holiday together less than 6 months after we broke up