Has anyone fixed a totally broken marriage?

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Been together for 30+ years, adult dc. This thread would be ten pages long if I tried to explain what's wrong and why, there's so much to unpick.

In brief....sex life ruined by his porn use/ED when we were younger has led to a petering out of intimacy over last ten years. I think the porn caused the ED , and we got into this situation where if I showed any interest in sex it would put pressure on him to perform and lead to ED, so I stopped showing interest (I was trying to convince myself I didn't want sex, in order not to feel rejected)

I started focusing on his bad points so I wouldn't want sex with him, and after a while all I could focus on was the bad points. I've got to the point where I miss sex/intimacy, yet I don't feel like it with him (and he has zero interest anyway)

We are living this life where we have common interests, and we don't argue, get along reasonably well, yet I'm so lonely. There is NO intimacy at all. We don't sleep in the same bed, there's no physical touch, last time we had sex was a couple of months ago.

We also have other things going on in our lives causing a lot of stress which doesn't help matters. I just feel like there's so little left to cling on to, and I don't know if we can be fixed (or if I want us to be) I don't think he's bothered about intimacy or sex anymore, he would be content to live as friends.

Sorry to ramble. I just don't know what I want anymore.

I can’t really offer much advice or comfort, except to say that I’m in a pretty similar situation. I don’t want sex with DH, however, I just don’t find him attractive and don’t like him enough to do it to make him feel good. Feel I’ve missed the boat in terms of finding someone else and can’t really afford to leave him. Trying to work on rebuilding my feelings for him. First I have to like him, I guess - at least you have things in common and don’t argue - we don’t and we do. Sorry, it’s hard 💐

The thing is, I don't think I want to find anyone else either- I fantasise about living alone. I think the loneliness comes from living with someone I think I should be close to/intimate with, and I'm not.

He's not a bad person but everything he does seems to annoy the hell out of me, I don't think he's changed so it's just my feelings that have.

I also fantasise about living alone - and it’s going to come true!

We are separating after 34 years. I’ve been unhappy and have totally fallen out of love for the last five years. In hindsight I think my attitudes have changed since the menopause. I’m just no longer willing to put up with his entitlement.

I think you are right, it’s more lonely to live with someone you have nothing to share with, than live on your own.

I know I won’t be lonely, I’m going to become a “cat lady”.

In hindsight I think my attitudes have changed since the menopause. I’m just no longer willing to put up with his entitlement.

I think this has played a part for sure. I really wish we were happy though! I want to love him, and fancy him, and have a great sex life with him. It's just not happening and I don't know if it's worth trying, or how to start 🤷🏼‍♀️

NC for this. I have been married over 30 years too. For the last 8 years or so I have been thinking a lot about how much happier I would be on my own.
I love my husband but lost interest in sex a long time ago and just don’t feel like that about him now. He has retired and we spend all our time together. We get on well in general, but I feel very lonely a lot of the time because I need more than him. I don’t have any friends who live locally, and lack the will to do things on my own at this stage of life.
I find his habits drive me crazy now and I feel trapped, bored and unstimulated much of the time. I just can’t imagine leaving him though. He would be devastated and I just couldn’t start all over again. It’s so hard to know what to do. I feel I’ve lost myself really. I’ve invested so much of myself in this relationship, it’s too late to leave.

I am in a very similar situation, and would love to know.
Peri menopause doesn’t help the situation either.

Don’t fall into the sunk costs fallacy, you could have a very different life alone. My DH and I are splitting after 30 years for all the reasons you’ve noted. Honestly I want more for myself than feeling lonely in a relationship where we stay together out of habit. It’s hard thinking of starting again at this point and we have D.C. to consider but it’s much harder thinking “this is it” for me. I could easily still be here in another 30 years - how much life won’t I live if I do that?

We’ve had good times, I love him like a brother but our marriage is over, I don’t consider it a failure by any means to call it a day.

20+ years, now divorced and a million times happier on my own. For years I put up with having the life sucked out of me, it was draining

I do think menopause brings clarity.

OP I hope you find your answer.

These have been quietly optimistic posts. Nice to read. If sex and intimacy are important to you and he isn’t willing to work on that, or you can’t find any inclination yourself, then you might be happier apart.

He's not a bad person though. Admitted it was his porn use (IMO) that led to the breakdown of our intimate/physical relationship, but day to day he's not difficult to live with.

I think if he was awful it would be a much easier decision.

Marriage counselling? Seems a possibility it could help, doesn't sound like your living a fulfilling life.

Marriage counselling or accept and get a dog or lover- or leave and get a dog or lover.

Definitely getting a dog, not so sure about a lover. Can't see anyone wanting an overweight old bag like me tbh.

I would have said almost exactly the same about my marriage a few weeks ago but stbxh dropped the bombshell he's in love with someone else and is leaving me having had an emotional affair.

I think he was surprised by how I reacted as I've never felt as powerful as when he told me. We get on very well and would likely have bumbled along forever but intimacy has always been an issue and I did used to daydream about being alone.

For both their sakes I hope sex with her is more successful than with me!

We both had our part to play in the issue. I spent years instigating sex and trying to spice things up for us both but eventually got fed up doing all the work and told him if he wanted sex he's have to woo me. He was never fussed enough to make that happen. Peri hasn't helped at all. I do wish we'd had counselling but TBH, I'm not sure any discussions would ever have been as honest and open as they needed to be to have sorted things out.

If things don't go well with the ow I wouldn't rule out trying again because there's a chance now we'd be able to be raw enough with each other to actually make a difference. In the meantime, I feel more loved now than I have in a long time and am quite excited at the opportunity to be alone.

Yes, could have written your post right down to the porn issue.

I'm peri-menopausal and wondered if this was the cause of my view of my husband but time is moving on and no change in point of view. It's as if things that were okay before are not now and the porn was the final straw. I seemed to have developed a negative view of men in general which is a bit worrying.

I am also lonely but trying to concentrate on my own life as I have relatively young dc and feel pincered into my current life so trying to keep busy I guess.

I'm watching your thread with interest. The peri-menopause/menopause certainly seems to be a turning point for many.

This sounds salvageable. It also sounds like one or both of you are depressed, you more so. Would you agree? The menopause is notorious for inducing depression.

Have you tried addressing the sex issue? Counselling? Moving back in to a bedroom together? A massage course for you both? Cut his hair?

You're so right, lack of physical contact can create a lot of emotional distance. If you want things to improve, I think you're going to have to do some more talking.

I am in a similar situation, having been married over 30 years and finding everything about my husband irritating and feeling intolerant of him. I have no interest in sex, he is physically attractive, but his behaviour is a turn off
Others have mentioned the menopause being a factor, do you think it makes us reflect about life changes and what we want from the rest of it?
Despite feeling this way toward him, I don't want my marriage to be a failure and worry about the impact of leaving him on our adult children, yet I have no inclination to put any effort in! I do empathise OP!

This sounds SO much like my situation (ED was physical/medication in his case, not porn) - drifted apart, no physical or emotional intimacy, no communication, feeling lonely, but fine day to day and no arguments. We’d probably have drifted on like that, not completely miserable but not happy; but a few months ago I discovered he was having an affair, which had started because he was desperate to feel an emotional connection with someone. He ended it straight away when I confronted him, and wanted to try to fix the marriage, and that’s where we are now.

The depth of emotional devastation and desperation this has caused and the rawness of the wounds have stripped everything away and resulted in us actually communicating and being honest with each other for the first time in a long long long time. I’m not sure whether I can ultimately get past the affair or not, but the authentic, if painful, communication we are now having makes me realise how bad things were before.

I actually think we both needed this magnitude of shock to realise how things were though - I suspect without this neither of us would have been prepared to or capable of digging deep enough, even if we’d tried marriage counselling.

So in short, I’m cautiously optimistic that we can fix this completely broken marriage, but it required the complete and devastating demolition of what had gone before first to get us to a place where we were both open to it.

OP this has been long dead by the sounds of it. There's no point regretting not leaving sooner, or trying to "flog a dead horse". You don't love him anymore, he does not love you, you are together from habit and convenience and it's making you (and probably him, too!) miserable. Life is too short to live like this. I think it's incredibly unlikely it will improve at this point. Maybe if you'd had marriage counselling 10 years back and he'd faced up to the ED but it sounds like all intimacy is long, long gone. So move on and look to the future and let yourself be happy. The process won't be easy but the sooner you start it the sooner you'll have a happy life again.

Ultimately you cannot just stay with someone because it feels safe and you're scared of starting again. Well, I mean of course you can! But it would be very unwise IMO.

Could you talk to him, tell him exactly what you wrote in your OP, and maybe he's wishing to repair your relationship also. If not, at least you know where you stand and hopefully you can move on.

To all of you on this thread who are wasting your life in unhappy relationships: all relationships, good and bad, will end. One of you will die. One of you will end up alone. So why not embrace that reality and be alone now, instead of lonely until the end of the relationship, or your life? Most women are happier alone, with the support of good female friends, truth be told.

Maybe if you'd had marriage counselling 10 years back and he'd faced up to the ED but it sounds like all intimacy is long, long gone.

Yes to this - we have never been good at communicating and just tried to paper over the cracks for such a long time.

It's also been such a rough couple of years with the pandemic and other family issues that it's hard to work out what is making us unhappy (he is plodding on but I know he's not happy either). The thing is the other issues are ongoing so to throw a marriage break up into the mix...I don't know. It just feels too much.

I feel like if we had a strong marriage the other issues would be so much easier to deal with.

Yes exactly. It's been a pretty awful couple of years for most people. But you were lonely before that. This just compounded it and has forced you to address it.

I think it may be one of those thinks that is terrifying and devastating at the time but two or three years later you are glad about, because it has kicked you out of this limbo. And now you can be free and happy.

Also the marriage being in the state it is - feeling unsupported and uncared for and having no physical intimacy pretty much - it probably making the other issues harder to cope with. I know that's probably hard to see now. But really, this is an extra burden and stress and constant anxiety on you. There doesn't seem to be a way to fix it (as far as I can see) so if you leave you'll have a hard time for a bit, yes, but then feel so much better!