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Original poster

I think I love him more than he loves me?

46 replies

Earpieced · 16/06/2022 11:28

I have been with my DP for 2.5 years. We both have children at home so live separately.

I had been single a long time and DP was newly divorced from marriage that broke down when his wife said she didn’t love him anymore. He hasn’t given me any indication that he still loves his ex and they are friendly for the sake of the kids but nothing worrying. He is quite a pragmatic person although he said he was blindsided by it at the time he can see the signs now things were going wrong on both sides and neither of them addressed it with each other so it just slowly deteriorated.

What does worry me is that I think he is a little closed off emotionally. He doesn’t seem to want to talk about it (and I would never make him feel uncomfortable by asking) but I think their sex life was an issue, when I met him he had no confidence in that area at all. He hates his body, which I tell him I love. Like he had never slept naked! I am an expressive affectionate person and I’ve seen him really change sexually and so much more confident and relaxed. He even enjoys sleeping naked now. Despite this he really struggles to ‘finish’ during sex although I could never complain myself (he’s generous) I feel bad for him that he’s still holding back. I want to help him but he won’t let me help him ‘finish’ as he’s still a little hung up and self conscious sometimes.

He says I love you to me but not often spontaneously, usually in response to me saying it. During sex is really the only time he will be very overly expressive about loving me - sometimes it’s quite overwhelming, it’s lovely but I wish he would say it less during sex and more during normal day to day!

We do talk about the future sometimes. He’s not very romantic anymore 😂 and when I discuss going somewhere romantic (like a city break) he usually has already been with his ex as they travelled a lot. As we don’t live together it can feel a bit like we have two separate lives that intertwine a couple of times a week. I suppose this is normal.

Sometimes I just feel like in every day life I love him more than he loves me and he mainly loves me during sex (or if he is drunk, which is rare). Is this a guy thing? I feel like he’s guarded until he’s feeling vulnerable?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 16/06/2022 12:22

What stops you talking to him about it? It doesn't really matter if it's a 'guy' thing unless you're looking for a way to excuse him. It's a 'him' thing, and you're the one in a relationship with him, so you need to ask him.

GreyCarpet · 16/06/2022 13:13

He doesn’t seem to want to talk about it (and I would never make him feel uncomfortable by asking) but I think their sex life was an issue

Why on earth do you think he ought to discuss his previous sex life with you?

I'm all for supporting people but I find that some people have a need to 'deep dive' into other people's lives and see it as their place to put things right or rescue them from themselves.

Be yourself. Either this will enable him to trust you and he will open up over time. Or you are just one more woman in a crap relationship with an emotionally unavailable, sexually deficient man who will spend years making excuses for him.

And, no, it's not a 'man thing'. It's a red flag.

Original poster
Earpieced · 16/06/2022 13:55

Thank you. I don’t want to ask about his previous sex life and I don’t expect him to explain I can tell there are some issues there from bits he’s said off his own bat that’s all. I don’t really want to know any specifics I think it might be helpful for him to open up about how he is feeling outside of the bedroom, not during sex. He hasn’t had many partners and I don’t think he finds it an easy subject to talk about

is the red flag the emotional intimacy part?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 16/06/2022 14:10

Red flags aren't his behaviours, they're your feelings. So, yes, there are universal behaviours that cause the 'red flag' feeling in everyone (ie any kind of abuse), but then there's a bunch of stuff that will be a red flag just for you, and a bunch of stuff that will be a red flag just for me.

A friend of mine asked her partner not to stroke her forearm. It reminded her of what her childhood abuser used to do prior to abuse. Her partner said 'I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm just being affectionate', and carried on. So she left him. Not respecting her 'Don't stroke my arm' request was a red flag for her.

You are feeling like he is closed off, you want him to open up, you think it would be good for him, you want him to be more romantic, you want his ex to be further back in his mind... essentially, OP, you're not happy. That's the red flag.

Original poster
Earpieced · 16/06/2022 15:34

Oh ok I see. Having reviewed this synopsis what I would like is for him to not really only tell me how he feels about me during sex. He was really romantic towards me but is less so now than before. So it’s a change I noticed, not something new I am expecting.

I’m not unhappy but I am wondering about things. When planning a trip or somewhere to go, he has been to a lot of places with his ex I have never been and he is keen to go to different, much further away places which he can’t afford to do. I recently went without him to one of these closer places for this reason. I have no issues being independent but it’s a shame we aren’t travelling and experiencing places together.

I mentioned his ex because he said he was hurt by what happened and maybe a bit guarded, it’s been over 3 years since they split and he chose to enter into a relationship with me. I think he might still be emotionally guarded and although I respect and understand it, I can’t help but wonder if it’s going to be an issue that never improves.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2022 15:39

Emotionally, I don't think he's the one for you. He's never going to give you what you want/need from him.

Watchkeys · 16/06/2022 16:01

Doesn't it feel horrible when you suggest a romantic trip to Florence, and he says 'Nah, Kim and I went there.'

I mean, what's the relevance, today, of what he did with his ex? The whole point of a new relationship is that it throws new light onto things; why doesn't he want to see Florence with you?

Tractorcrisis · 16/06/2022 16:08

I’m probably a bit like your DP. I want my own space - and can’t stand anything too romantic. I’d feel suffocated by all that. But it’s not your ‘fault’, and neither is it his. So it’s either that your are incompatible - or you compromise.

Original poster
Earpieced · 16/06/2022 16:10

Watchkeys · 16/06/2022 16:01

Doesn't it feel horrible when you suggest a romantic trip to Florence, and he says 'Nah, Kim and I went there.'

I mean, what's the relevance, today, of what he did with his ex? The whole point of a new relationship is that it throws new light onto things; why doesn't he want to see Florence with you?

Yeah it’s kind of this.

instead he’s saying he would like to go somewhere Far East which is completely unrealistic on everyone’s budgets.

Saying that I haven’t managed to ever get him to book a holiday with me at all. We have gone away to hotels for one night in the U.K. I also want to go into cities in the U.K. sometimes but end up going with friends as he’s got strange time arrangements with his children and can never come.

OP posts:
Original poster
Earpieced · 16/06/2022 16:12

When I met him he would run me candlelit baths and do really nice sweet little things for me. Now he just asks to have my bath water second.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 16/06/2022 16:14

So, things aren't quite right sexually, things aren't quite right romantically, things aren't quite right practically, and things aren't quite right emotionally.

Is that about right?

HollowTalk · 16/06/2022 16:18

Watchkeys · 16/06/2022 16:14

So, things aren't quite right sexually, things aren't quite right romantically, things aren't quite right practically, and things aren't quite right emotionally.

Is that about right?

Spot-on analysis.

AllAloneInThisHouse · 16/06/2022 16:18

OT, but I laughed at never have slept naked!
Are we all supposed to have done that?

Original poster
Earpieced · 16/06/2022 16:20

I don’t know it’s making me feel like I am the issue? that I have unrealistic expectations?

-I thought he was romantic as he did nice things, but he doesn’t anymore.

-I thought he wanted to travel as he’s always always talking about it, but I am doing it without him? We live 1 hour from an amazing city full of wonderful things to do but we end up circling the same 10 mile radius where we live and watching TV. He’s happy for me to travel, maybe he’s done with travel for now, just wasn’t the impression he has given me. I thought it was lockdown restriction but it’s not. My birthday is in the summer and he made a point of booking time off. I have come up with lots of suggestions and even offered to pay. We still have no plans

OP posts:
Original poster
Earpieced · 16/06/2022 16:21

AllAloneInThisHouse · 16/06/2022 16:18

OT, but I laughed at never have slept naked!
Are we all supposed to have done that?

I meant it in the way that he said he always wanted to do it but never confident enough to do it

OP posts:
microbius · 16/06/2022 16:27

oh OP, I feel for you. I felt as if you described my ex. Only said 'love you' during sex, couldn't go to holidays where he has been with his ex. I was also overly concerned with how he must have been hurt. Reality was it's a kind of person/character that is like that. Stuck up, but focused on himself, insecure and closed but demanding too much work and attention from you as a way of relating. By contrast my current partner adores me, and it wouldn't matter one bit where he has been with his ex because we are having our wonderful life together now. And he has been hurt alright but it's not my job to work very hard to heal him. I hope you are getting the picture, the balance of attention / effort is skewed with your partner. I don't know if they (your and my ex) don't love us enough or that is the maximum they can do, but it was not enough for me so I left

AllAloneInThisHouse · 16/06/2022 16:35

Earpieced · 16/06/2022 16:21

I meant it in the way that he said he always wanted to do it but never confident enough to do it

Show quote history

Oh, okey.
That makes more sense!

HollowTalk · 16/06/2022 16:35

Please don't pay to take him away for your birthday. I don't think this is the man for you really. I don't think he's got past his marriage actually if everything seems to remind him of that.

Floella22 · 16/06/2022 16:41

OP you do love him more than he loves you.
Imo he’s waiting for the right woman and you’re not her.
You’re a stopgap.

Original poster
Earpieced · 16/06/2022 16:41

I will be honest that that is the second time I have felt like this a relationship. I feel like I fall for what the promises are of a life together then once they have secured my feelings for them, nothing actually comes of any of it. Covid restrictions were in place which was understandable but they are not now. I wasted 2 years with my previous ex in the same way, no holidays, no moving in, just eat sleep repeat, sex on a Friday night, watch a movie, eat a takeaway, go back to own lives on a Sunday. I ended it with him for these reasons. It was boring and when I asked about the future, he just wasn’t excited about it with me.

I feel like I am good enough to have sex with and watch movies on a normal boring day but I am not really someone to settle down with a real life. I have never hidden that I want a partner to travel with and also experience normal domestic life. This is what he said he wanted too. I do things with the kids, we could all do things together.

I am an open person who is affectionate but not disrespectfully so…. I do know personal boundaries and I am not touching anyone against their will or forcing myself on them in a clingy way. I don’t expect someone has to hold my hand or be sitting on their lap or doing PDA.

is an option to be with me as much as it is for me to be with them and I don’t want to be sold false promises. I know I have a choice here, I think I am disillusioned and disappointed with what I thought the relationship was going be vs what it actually is, and that feels like a break of trust. You invest time in the good and the bad for what you think are shared goals, turns out he can’t seem to be bothered or just isn’t able to give what he thought he was. I’m not angry just venting, sorry.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 16/06/2022 16:42

I don’t know it’s making me feel like I am the issue? that I have unrealistic expectations

It is your responsibility to make sure you are happy. It is your responsibility to make sure that your needs and wants are satisfied. If that isn't happening, it's not 'unrealistic' to say 'I'm not happy'. There's no rules about what should make you happy. There's no guidelines for what 'realistic expectations' are.

You can't question your preferences. If someone offers you food you don't like, do you wonder if it's just you, and that really you ought to like it? No, because we can't choose what to like and not like. If you're buying a car, and somebody suggests one you don't like, do you buy it anyway, because you think perhaps you should like it? No, because you don't want something in your life that you don't like.

This man is simply not offering you the relationship you'd like. Why are you questioning whether your the issue? You can't choose to enjoy being treated in a way you don't like being treated. Do you really think you ought to be reining in your relationship expectations because he doesn't do things the way you'd like, and does them the way that he'd like, instead? Who put him in charge of you and your desires?

Original poster
Earpieced · 16/06/2022 16:44

Floella22 · 16/06/2022 16:41

OP you do love him more than he loves you.
Imo he’s waiting for the right woman and you’re not her.
You’re a stopgap.

I think I knew this when I posted yes. Thank you. I needed to hear it

OP posts:
Original poster
Earpieced · 16/06/2022 16:45

Watchkeys · 16/06/2022 16:42

I don’t know it’s making me feel like I am the issue? that I have unrealistic expectations

It is your responsibility to make sure you are happy. It is your responsibility to make sure that your needs and wants are satisfied. If that isn't happening, it's not 'unrealistic' to say 'I'm not happy'. There's no rules about what should make you happy. There's no guidelines for what 'realistic expectations' are.

You can't question your preferences. If someone offers you food you don't like, do you wonder if it's just you, and that really you ought to like it? No, because we can't choose what to like and not like. If you're buying a car, and somebody suggests one you don't like, do you buy it anyway, because you think perhaps you should like it? No, because you don't want something in your life that you don't like.

This man is simply not offering you the relationship you'd like. Why are you questioning whether your the issue? You can't choose to enjoy being treated in a way you don't like being treated. Do you really think you ought to be reining in your relationship expectations because he doesn't do things the way you'd like, and does them the way that he'd like, instead? Who put him in charge of you and your desires?

I felt like I am in a waiting room. So the good stuff is coming, on his terms and timeline. But it does not come. If I said all this to him, he would say yes of course, let’s make plans. Then no plans would happen. So I am stringing myself along

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 16/06/2022 16:46

*whether you're the issue?

My least favourite grammar fail.

Watchkeys · 16/06/2022 16:47

I felt like I am in a waiting room

This is the reality of the relationship. So, unless you want to be in a relationship that feels like a waiting room...