Wendied by old friend - help!

[fedup22211]

Years ago, I was close friends with somebody, (A) and had been since I was a child and we were at school, so close, i'd say she was almost like a sister.

Unfortunately, due to her behaviour in our mid twenties (long story, but me being let down constantly, her being incredibly selfish in a few situations, some unforgivable) we fell out. We reconciled briefly, but were never the same, so I let it drift and we now haven't spoken for about 6 years.

I have another really close friend (B), who i'd consider a 'best' friend. Our lives have taken very different directions since we became friends, we both dreamed of getting married and having families, and this happened for her, but sadly not for me. I am early 30s now and single, not by choice. We are still really close, but I think the gap has widened slightly due to our different lives.

In our early 20s, Friend A was feeling lonely so I invited her out on a few occasions with myself and friend B. They got on well and added each other on facebook, occasionally spoke on Whatsapp etc. I was always aware they had more in common, as they were then planning their weddings and I felt left out a lot. Not long after this, was when myself and Friend A fell out. Friend B is aware of the situation and has said before she thinks its a shame.

Over the past 6 or so years, its bothered me slightly that they are still friends on facebook. Although I understand I have no say over this, Friend B knows how much I was hurt by friend A, and I feel like if the tables were turned, I may have deleted Friend A, just to show loyalty.

But that isn't the only thing. I noticed over the years that Friend A sometimes 'likes' and 'comments' on Friend B's posts, and it makes me uncomfortable.
Friend B never lets on that they chat beyond this, but i'm not sure. Trust is an important thing to me, and if I don't trust somebody, I can't be friends with them.

Suddenly both are pregnant and due within a few months of each other and after a period of Friend A not interacting with B on facebook, i'm now seeing the likes and comments again and its bothering me. Friend A never had a lot of friends and I feel like she is latching onto my friend because she is the only other person she knows who is pregnant.

I'm jealous as they have something in common again i'll never have (children the same age) and I just feel really pushed out, disappointed by Friend B, surprised by the total lack of respect of ex friend A. Like I can't be friends with B anymore, as I can't trust that shes not close with A.

I feel like an idiot but i'm so upset by this. I don't have lots of friends myself and feel like i'm having to step away from a close friend because they've been 'stolen' by A. I haven't even ever bought my feelings up with B, because I just feel so silly and I know she would also think its silly, but I feel slightly, betrayed?

Hurting and I don't know what to do. :(

You can't control someone's friendships. I suppose it depends what friend A did to you, but I think it's unfair to expect them not to be friendly.

Move forward with your own life, we all get jealous but your time will come.

Just because you would cut out someone as a demonstration of "loyalty" doesn't mean it's the right/only thing to do.

I think your jealousy is understandable on several levels and it must feel rotten. On the other hand, it's been a long time since they met as it was early 20s and it's very likely they're each other's proper friends now as opposed to 'your' friends with you being the connective tissue, so i don't think it's as clear or as nefarious as wendying. They've had six years since you cut ties with A to build a relationship separate to you. I hear you when you say you'd not have kept the friendship out of loyalty if the roles were reversed, but that's easy to say when you're not in that position. Things must have been less clear-cut for B and some people just don't like to cut friends off anyway. So in regards to this -

I feel like she is latching onto my friend because she is the only other person she knows who is pregnant.

I'd say she's probably not latching onto your friend as B is her friend legitimately, and also it's totally normal to seek out other women who are pregnant when you are so again she's not doing anything wrong. In essence, and this may be partly what hurts, it's not about you. It's their friendship and things they have in common and it's probably best to detach from it and not compare yourself if at all possible. Avoid their social media and seek out people at a similar stage, because otherwise this will become unbearable for you as they have their DC and then definitely won't dial it back.

You can't really say anything and nothing will be gained from doing so. All you can do is focus your own energies elsewhere. Jealousy is very human and very powerful, but also very negative and feeding it will make you feel like crap. You are young and having DC at the same time as these particular friends will soon be of no significance to you. I know it's hard, but turn the hurt into something positive and get past these people to do things that make you happy.

I have two friends I met about ten years ago. They'd known each other since they were tiny but had a bit of a bust-up - I suspect they grew apart and didn't know how to reconcile that with having been so close. Neither of them has made many other friends since. Anyway, I told them I thought it was sad but kept my nose out, and have kept in touch with both of them while trying not to rub their faces in it. Now Friend X and I are both pregnant and Friend Y has thrown a wobbly that we're talking about it on Facebook. How do I deal with this?

I don't see that B is doing anything wrong.

What exactly did A do you that was so bad?

Oh op, they have been friends a long time. And you can’t dictate becayse you fell out with someone that they need to too. You said you reconciled and then let it drift, it wasn’t the same, it wasn’t due to some big bad thing she did to you at that point.

friend b is right, it’s a shame, but neither are doing anything wrong. This is about the fact you’re jealous and feel excluded. Don’t exclude yourself further and accept that b can have friends other than you, including a.

I’m guessing B doesn’t agree that you were right to cut off A. “It’s a shame” sounds like what I would say if I thought you had overreacted.

I think you’re being a bit silly to think you can only be friends with B if they stop contact with A. And you will be the one who loses out if you carry on thinking this way.

My advice is to accept that A and B are friends, and get on with being friends with B yourself.

I wish i'd never introduced them. Its causing me so much anxiety and negative feelings.

Also, what Friend A did to me, I'm not going to reveal as it would be outing. But it was an embarrassment to me and totally unsupportive at a time I was going through some real shit with an ex.

Again understandable if you're mind is spiralling that way, but I really think you have to take your agency out of being at the heart of this situation. This was around 10 years ago and your best friend was bound to meet other friends of yours and the chances are some of them would have made a good connection. Since then, their relationship has been their own. You say yourself they got on well from the off, added each other online and have had lots in common over the years. You can't fixate on your part in them meeting like some huge moment of fate that has created this pain you're going through. It's just feeding the anxiety. The first step to de-escalating it is to accept that they're separate to you, you didn't make it happen nor can you make it unhappen. You're feeling powerless because you've assumed too much power for yourself in creating the situation. You have to get the past in perspective to be able to see the present for what it is. The only power you have is over your own reaction and how you move on.

@Pinkdelight3

I guess for me it just feels disrespectful of me. Particularly of Friend B. She keeps it on the dl that she may be friendly with Friend A, but to me that feels a bit, underhand? Like shes hiding something?

I feel like if she prefers Friend A, just say and I can detach myself, but I do not feel comfortable with the thought of them both gossiping about my (lack of) life compared with what they have. :(

You have no right to dictate who someone can and can't be friends with. You need to get over it before you lose friend B as well.

I also wonder if this might be related to the reason that you're single 'not by choice'?

Don't know what to do? Make more friends, ones you have things in common with. Also, date.

Have a wide circle of friends who you can do different things with. My best friend in the world is not a mother yet I am. This has not once come between us, it's not normal if it comes between friends. It just shows you weren't really friends.

In the age of the internet meeting like-minded people is the easiest thing to do, so go do it.

I think it feels like I'm losing Friend B already, I can't be comfortable knowing of the 'secret' friendship with Friend A. I wouldn't be able to be myself around her anyway.

If Friend B was in this situation, I know she wouldn't like it either. I wonder how many other people would actually be ok with it?

Keeping it on the downlow is surely the opposite - being sensitive to your feelings and not parading their independent friendship in front of you. Honestly, you sound like you're spiralling too much to hear what people here are saying. You feeling it's disrespectful of you is putting yourself at the centre of it again, as is imagining they'd be gossiping about you. What if they're just good friends and it's nothing to do with you? That still hurts for sure, possibly more which is why you're looking for other angles on it, but it's the only way that's going to help you ultimately accept it and focus on more positive things in your life.

Block friend A on Facebook so you can’t see her posts. It’s not healthy for you to be worrying about them. Can you imagine friend B’s reaction if you mentioned this to her? She’d probably think it was very bizarre you were bothered by it. So block and then think about ways to fill your life so that this tiny thing doesn’t take up so much space in your head.

Honestly OP you are shooting yourself in the foot here and you’re going to end up lonelier as a result.

As I said, you need to get over it and accept that A and B are friends. This doesn’t mean B is choosing A over you. It means she wants to be friends with both of you. If you make her choose though, you will probably lose as you would be being unreasonable.

I doubt very much that they are discussing your life. They will have other things to talk about. I also don’t think it’s a secret friendship - B isn’t trying to hide it, she just doesn’t mention it.

It does seem like you need to find some other friends as well - ones you aren’t so clearly envious of.

I wish you all the best OP as you sound very unhappy.

You are overthinking this. A and B may become close friends or they may not but neither is doing anything wrong. You are giving this so much space in your head and they probably barely think about it.

We all do stupid things in our 20s and whatever A did to you you moved past and forgave her before so I think you should just let it go and not worry about it or even reach out to her to become friends again. Maybe use the new baby as a way in, take a little present around and be friends with both of them. With a new baby they certainly won't be thinking about gossiping about you.

She can be friends with whoever she likes, you sound quite possessive.

Maybe focus on your own life than what your friends are doing - you may just achieve more.

OP I can understand why you are jealous but you really have to stop. People are allowed to have friends, even other best friends, and peoples situations change. If B is having a secret friendship with A its probably because of your extreme overreaction which would be considered controlling abuse if you were B's partner rather than friend.

By the sounds of things A embarrassed you (although you don't say how) and was unsupportive during a breakup, that is not a big enough reason for B not to be friends with her (unless she was shagging your ex and caused the breakup). You really have to get a grip of your jealousy and let them enjoy their friendship, they are in the same boat. By the sounds of things B has not cut you out, her only crime is to have a friendship with someone you don't like. Stop it.

Interacting on Facebook doesn't necessarily mean they are friends or speak offline, it sounds like you are placing a lot of emphasis on social media which is not a representation of real life at all.

Is there anyone else in your life you can talk to about this? Maybe even referring yourself to a counselor so you can work through what happened with friend A as it is impacting you so much still? Worrying they are talking about you behind your back is not healthy. It is catastrophising and paranoid. And also very unlikely - they will be talking about their own lives not yours!

Sorry OP, I am really feeling for you. But at the same time I am thinking you are not the same person you were when you met friend A and friend B.

you have all grown, changed and life has evolved for you all.

distance yourself and let them be.

Op their friendship isn’t a secret. There is no need for it to be a secret and she openly likes her posts. She just doesn’t talk about a in front of you. Which is fair and sensitive.

and whatever happened the first fall out you did reconcile with her. But the friendship had run its course.

you are really building this into something in your head and you need to take a step back as you will loose b, you are creating fantasies in your head where it’s secret and they gossip about you. I’m sure they don’t, there is nothing to indicate this and b is your friend, plus they have other things in common, i am sure, and I mean this gently you are not so interesting that it’s all about you.

However if you really think b is the type to gossip and be cruel about uou then end the friendship

but that’s not the case is it, it’s just huge jealousy making you irrational.

Friend B hadn’t done anything wrong and trying to control who your friends socialise with is unhealthy. See friend B if you both enjoy spending time with each other and forget about friend A. It’s good you’ve noticed that your controlling attitude is a problem. We all have unhelpful traits that come to the surface when we’re stressed or sad, the only solution is to look at what’s stressing you out or upsetting you on a bigger scale than this friendship dynamic.

Op, I think you need to accept these women habe been friends for the best part of a decade, including planning their wedding together. No one is wendying you, or latching on, it’s a long term adult friendship. B has handled it well as she knows your feelings towards a so doesn’t discuss it. Likely she is the same with a and doesn’t discuss you. You are no longer in your early twenties. You are not the link between these two. That time has passed. Long passed.

you don’t get to say “you can’t be her friend if you’re mine” that’s teenage behaviour and highly immature. People can have multiple friends and friends that don’t over lap.

You are on the edge of losing this friendship. With someone who has simply been your friend. Sitting imagining their friendship is a secret, that she needs to tell you everything, that she gossips about your life behind your back. These are horrible thoughts about someone who has done nothing but be kind to you.

I think seeking counselling would be beneficial. You come across as deeply unhappy, with elements of obsessiveness, resentment, paranoia and jealousy over what you perceive them to have and share.

any isolation that’s about to occur will be solely at your own hand, and that isolation will hurt you the most. 😔