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Original poster

Wendied by old friend - help!

51 replies

fedup22211 · 16/06/2022 10:50

Years ago, I was close friends with somebody, (A) and had been since I was a child and we were at school, so close, i'd say she was almost like a sister.

Unfortunately, due to her behaviour in our mid twenties (long story, but me being let down constantly, her being incredibly selfish in a few situations, some unforgivable) we fell out. We reconciled briefly, but were never the same, so I let it drift and we now haven't spoken for about 6 years.

I have another really close friend (B), who i'd consider a 'best' friend. Our lives have taken very different directions since we became friends, we both dreamed of getting married and having families, and this happened for her, but sadly not for me. I am early 30s now and single, not by choice. We are still really close, but I think the gap has widened slightly due to our different lives.

In our early 20s, Friend A was feeling lonely so I invited her out on a few occasions with myself and friend B. They got on well and added each other on facebook, occasionally spoke on Whatsapp etc. I was always aware they had more in common, as they were then planning their weddings and I felt left out a lot. Not long after this, was when myself and Friend A fell out. Friend B is aware of the situation and has said before she thinks its a shame.

Over the past 6 or so years, its bothered me slightly that they are still friends on facebook. Although I understand I have no say over this, Friend B knows how much I was hurt by friend A, and I feel like if the tables were turned, I may have deleted Friend A, just to show loyalty.

But that isn't the only thing. I noticed over the years that Friend A sometimes 'likes' and 'comments' on Friend B's posts, and it makes me uncomfortable.
Friend B never lets on that they chat beyond this, but i'm not sure. Trust is an important thing to me, and if I don't trust somebody, I can't be friends with them.

Suddenly both are pregnant and due within a few months of each other and after a period of Friend A not interacting with B on facebook, i'm now seeing the likes and comments again and its bothering me. Friend A never had a lot of friends and I feel like she is latching onto my friend because she is the only other person she knows who is pregnant.

I'm jealous as they have something in common again i'll never have (children the same age) and I just feel really pushed out, disappointed by Friend B, surprised by the total lack of respect of ex friend A. Like I can't be friends with B anymore, as I can't trust that shes not close with A.

I feel like an idiot but i'm so upset by this. I don't have lots of friends myself and feel like i'm having to step away from a close friend because they've been 'stolen' by A. I haven't even ever bought my feelings up with B, because I just feel so silly and I know she would also think its silly, but I feel slightly, betrayed?

Hurting and I don't know what to do. :(

OP posts:

Didimum · 16/06/2022 13:14

Sorry, OP, I'm going to a little harsh here because I think you need to hear it. You sound very (and yes, MN's favourite word) controlling. Friend B's friendships are her friendships – they have NOTHING to do with you. I have been in a position recently where a friend was trying to stop another from seeing another friend just because of 'what they'd done' (so like your situation but I'm just on the sidelines) and honestly it is the most disgusting, entitled behaviour. Friend B is probably underhand about it because your reaction sucks – stop making her feel guilty and let her live her life unencumbered by your judgement and entitlement. It's not a good look.

GrumpyTerrier · 16/06/2022 13:24

I totally understand why you feel bad OP. But the fact is that A & B are now friends in their own right and have been for a while. They aren't doing anything wrong by continuing to be friends--- and you aren't doing anything wrong by feeling hurt by it all. Just give it all a bit of a break, don't look at Bs facebook, stay away from situations which make you feel bad. After some time you will be able to clearly decide if you want to continue your friendship with B or not.

Nowomenaroundeh · 16/06/2022 14:11

I'm Friend B in a similar situation and I think your attitude stinks. People are not your possessions.

Grow up and leave them to it.

gamerchick · 16/06/2022 14:15

You do sound possessive OP. It's highly unlikely they talk about you at all.

You need to let it go and make some extra friends, you can't rely on or control one person like that. They like each other, let it go man

Arewethebadguys · 16/06/2022 14:34

Didimum · 16/06/2022 13:14

Yep.

layladomino · 16/06/2022 14:39

It isn't up to you whether they are friends or not. You grumble that they may be in touch on the quiet, but I don't blame them, as you've made it clear you don't want them to be friends. So they are continuing their friendship but doing it sensitively so as not to upset you. By being so judgemental about their friendship you have run it underground and in to being secretive.

There is no limit on how many friends you can have. Your friends don't have to like each other. You can 'disapprove' of a friend's friend, but you can't tell them who to be friends with, and it's not fair to hold it against them.

Dacquoise · 16/06/2022 14:54

I think the best thing you can do here is to detach from this situation as you can't control it, they may become closer (or not) but realistically you are at a different life stage to both of them and the friendship may fizzle as a result. Ruminating about it isn't very productive or kind on yourself

Your feelings are understandable but perhaps this is a cue for a bit of a shake up in your own life. Same as a romantic breakup, you can either dwell on it with the associated negative feelings or get out there and find some exciting new relationships and hobbies. Perhaps put a list of goals together and work through it.

PizzaPatel · 16/06/2022 15:08

You need to let them get on with it. I think if I was friend B and I knew how you felt I’d be so disturbed I’d have to walk away. All this talk of feeling betrayed etc is very misplaced and is a really unhealthy way to view a friend having another friend that you don’t like.

KatherineJaneway · 16/06/2022 16:14

I think you sound quite down about your own situation in life and I think this is colouring your view of the friendship between A and B.

I have a similar situation and while I occasionally have twinges of annoyance, I remind myself that my friend can be friends with anyone she likes. Just because my A's behaviour was unacceptable to me, clearly she has not acted the same towards my B.

My advice is work on your own situation, maybe join Meetup and meet likeminded people for activities or hobbies you enjoy.

KatherineJaneway · 16/06/2022 16:15

Sorry my last message got confusing, clearly A has not acted badly towards B!

ElenaSt · 16/06/2022 16:19

It's all a bit school playground expecting b not to talk to a because a was mean to you.

Find new friends.

butterflied · 16/06/2022 16:22

Detach and maybe mute them on Facebook. This is taking up way too much space in your head by the sound of it. You can't control what other people do - only how you react to it.

FuchsAndMöhr · 16/06/2022 16:25

Are you sure you’re early 30’s?

This is typical primary school behaviour 🤷🏼‍♀️

Changechangychange · 16/06/2022 16:32

This isn’t Wendying. Wendying is when you introduce a new person to your friends and the new person then turns your old friends against you.

This is just two mutual friends hitting it off, and then refusing to cut ties with each other just because you fell out with one of them.

None of them are pushing you out, you ditched one of them.

EnterACloud · 16/06/2022 16:44

I feel sorry for you OP because you sound miserable and you're contemplating making yourself even more miserable by "dumping" B, who sounds nice, for the crime of possibly being in touch with someone you're not keen on any more.

I guess for me it just feels disrespectful of me. Particularly of Friend B. She keeps it on the dl that she may be friendly with Friend A, but to me that feels a bit, underhand? Like shes hiding something?

She probably is doing it on purpose. I'm sure if she was telling you "oh I went to the cinema with A last night" you'd be furious for a whole different set of reasons and find that "disrespectful" too. A note of caution - people who demand "respect" of their friends/family usually a) do little to deserve respect b) mean it as a synonym of "do what I say"

I feel like if she prefers Friend A, just say and I can detach myself, but I do not feel comfortable with the thought of them both gossiping about my (lack of) life compared with what they have. :(

Why does B have to "prefer" A over you, isn't it quite probably she likes you more, or even likes you both the same? I have friends now that were introduced to me by mutual friends a decade ago and honestly sometimes I can barely remember how I met them, wouldn't necessarily have a clue whether the original friendship was still going etc.

I doubt they're talking about you. Why would they?

Honestly you sound depressed, possessive and a bit paranoid, not a happy woman at all. Are you going through a real low patch at the moment?

(If what A did was especially heinous e.g. ran your mother over in a road rage incident, I think a lot of responses on here would change - but given that you yourself forgave her, I'm guessing that's not the case.)

Can I ask, why are you angrier with A now than you were when you "forgave" her?

FourNaanJeremy · 16/06/2022 16:57

You don’t own Friend B OP. She can be friends with who she likes and there’s no reason she can’t still be friends with you.

VonTrippTrapp · 16/06/2022 17:03

This has happened to me so much and I honestly didn't think anything of it!

I think it must be something else going on for you. I don't think you've been 'wendied' really

MzHz · 16/06/2022 17:20

fedup22211 · 16/06/2022 11:29

I wish i'd never introduced them. Its causing me so much anxiety and negative feelings.

That’s not healthy, you have no right to that anxiety because nobody is doing anything “wrong”

you’re feeling left out, but you aren’t in the same space as them. I dare say that they have other relationships that have drifted away from them

you’re young, I know you don’t think so, but you really are

just let all this negativity go, wish them well in your mind and relax…

your turn will come

have faith!

Staynow · 16/06/2022 17:31

I think you need to find new people that you have more in common with. If you had more friends then maybe you wouldn't be so upset when some of the others move on. It is sad of course but it's a reminder for you to keep moving forward too.

Spitescreen · 16/06/2022 18:29

Changechangychange · 16/06/2022 16:32

This isn’t Wendying. Wendying is when you introduce a new person to your friends and the new person then turns your old friends against you.

This is just two mutual friends hitting it off, and then refusing to cut ties with each other just because you fell out with one of them.

None of them are pushing you out, you ditched one of them.

This exactly. You introduced two people who became friends independently of you. You have complicated feelings about that, but you don’t get to veto other people’s relationships. Figure out what is really making you dwell on this.

5128gap · 16/06/2022 20:22

I think you might be better distancing from B. Not that shes done anything, but for your own peace of mind. Clearly she and A like each other and want to be friends, and there nothing you can do about it. Grown ups can't tell their friends not to be friends with other people and to not leave them out of things, however unfair they think it is. It's just not done. So, you either have to try to control your feelings and put a smile on your face as B chats about things you can't join in with, with someone you don't like, or keep B on the periphery of your life and develop friendships where you have more in common. (Or make friends with A?)

Bednobsbroomsticks · 17/06/2022 08:05

Sounds like deleting your sm for a while might do you some good lovely x

romdowa · 17/06/2022 08:24

You need to forget about what the two of them are doing and focus on yourself. You are early 30s , plenty time to go after the things you want. Marraige , kids , a house or a job. Put your energy into yourself instead of all this juvenile social media drama

SummerPuddings · 17/06/2022 09:39

You are very immature.

Pinkbonbon · 17/06/2022 10:28

If friend A was some way a threat to you still, eg: if she had a habit of flirting with men she knew you liked, then I would understand your discomfort with B being friends with her. If you were afraid they were discussing you in a way that A might use against you still, then I'd understand you feeling that b is disloyal.

But A is someone you've totally cut from your life and doesn't seem like she is a threat anymore. So I think you are being unfair to have a problem with B talking with her. It sounds like you're still stuck I the past and that bitterness is only hurting you.

As for the 'not by choice' stuff... you sound awful bothered by being single. You're only in your 30s, it's not a big deal. You'd be wise to speak to someone if this jealousy of ppl with kids ect...is becoming all consuming. Because at 30 you should be enjoying your life not ruminating on what you don't have yet.

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